Wednesday Night

Wednesday Night

 

I remember, a year ago, writing on this Wednesday night.  I'm a date person, but I'm also a day person.  It was the first Wednesday night in June that Paul suffered his final seizure around 11:40 or so on Wednesday night and collapsed on the floor.  I called the paramedics right around midnight and his death was called somewhere between 1 - 2 am.  I will never know for sure whether or not he actually died on June 5 or June 6.  I have my suspicions, but it really doesn't matter in the end.

 

But it's Wednesday again and my mind and heart are drawn back to that Wednesday night when everything changed.  I feel it all over again.  Not as badly as last year or with the numbness and shock of the actual night, but it's still piercing tonight.  I type this and see that at this moment it's 11:04 at night.  We turned out the lights that night right around 11.  Paul kissed me for the last time and uttered his very last words which were, of course, "I love you." 

 

In time, I imagine I will only observe the date, even to just myself.  One of these years, soon, the first Wed. of June will be the 1st and the actual death date will still be nearly a week away.  I can't imagine that being quite as painful as when the 6th is just a few days hence from the Wednesday.

 

But tonight I'm reliving things a bit.  Time helps.  It soothes. 

 

 Tonight, time is not my friend. 

 

I am rocking in pain, remembering and wishing...