Day 460
Fifteen months today...fifteen whole
months...I like numbers that are divisible by 5, but not this one.
And this malaise that I talked about in
my last post - it's still happening. I
don't know if this is depression or a natural stage of grieving, a spiritual
battle, or just the absence of having anything of which to look forward
to. But, ugh - I hate it! I even had a friend ask me seriously this
week, "Are you thinking of suicide, Sarah?"
No, no - I'm not. I doubt there is a widow out there who hasn't
had the thought cross her mind at one time or the other. Death is a natural escape from pain and grief
brings ever-present pain, at least for a season. And there have even been times that I have
thought to myself, particularly after a rough day of parenting that perhaps my
kids would be better off with the guardians I have set in place for them,
rather than with me for a mother. But I
know thoughts like that must come straight from Satan.
I had a gentlemen this week tell me (he
had no idea of what I've been going through lately) that after his daughter
died he got the point where he had to look in a mirror three times a day and
inform Satan verbally that he would "not win today!" I don't know...things like that seem to smack
of Pentacostalism to me. I would really prefer
not to be on speaking terms with the Devil.
Isn't that what God is for, anyway?
But what if this IS oppression? It certainly feels oppressing, no matter what
the source. I am still reading my Bible
and praying. But when I read, it feels
like sawdust and my prayers don't seem to get my past my ceiling some days. Something is wrong, but I don't know what it
is. If it's some hidden sin in my life,
I'd like to take care of it, just to be rid of this burden. But I'm not seeing it right now. If it's just part of grieving, then I know it
will pass in time. But I don't know and it's weighing me down
further and further every day.
All I do know is that I hate it.
I did decide that perhaps I need to be
better "armed" as I face my days, though. I think that's the whole point of Ephesians
6. So today I copied out my favorite
verse from this time of grief and I'm
going to memorize it. I have not
actually memorized anything voluntarily since I was in college. So this may be a challenge. But I'm going to it. And then I'll do another one. And another one.
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All right...so this first week of
September:
My allergies have been at it. Apparently, my reprieve was only that. They're here.
But they are not as severe as they've been in the past. So, I can be thankful for that.
We started school this week. Sort of.
I haven't had a whole lot of time to sit down with the kids yet.
But technically, I am homeschooling a 9th, 1st, and kindergartener now.
Ben's school got him an
"internship" at the grocery store in Pville for a couple of hours an
afternoon, two days a week. He is beyond
delighted. And so am I.
He is already spending a period a day
working in the kitchen and lunch room at the school. He leaves school nearly an hour early on
Wednesdays to go work in the farmer's market.
He's probably doing less actual schoolwork this year than any other
year. But I'm good with that. It's this practical, job-training skill stuff
that I want for him. Two years from now he'll
be out of school and needing some sort of employment and life plan.
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Monday was Labor Day. Will came home in the late afternoon and
grilled out with us and forced his brothers to play football with him. I saw him again Thurs. when he came down to
do respite with Ben and some house things I needed. And I saw him for about 6 min. this morning
when we met at Jordan Creek
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Oh, those rotten kids...David just came
in the house yowling like a cat after a bath.
Last summer we had the fruit cellar pushed in and early this summer Will
planted grass seed. Sam and Lizzie dug
holes all over that thing this afternoon.
I'm not opposed to kids digging.
In fact, I think it's a good, childlike thing to do - but not in the
fresh grass, right next to the house! So
I made them fill in the holes, in the dark.
Lizzie was actually only in her underpants because I had been trying
clothes on her. But I was so mad - not
so much that they had dug holes, but that both denied it when questioned. They've lost their ipad privileges for a
week.
I told them I'd show them next week
where they are allowed to dig.
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Last Sunday was my last week of
teaching Children's Church
"He was white" he said.
It took me a minute to get the story
facts straight in my head - Moses came from Egypt
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Ellie broke the lamp in the girls' room
this week. She breaks everything - seriously. I sent David to vacuum up the glass from the
broken light bulb, but he must have
missed a spot because last Sun. Lizzie came down the steps with blood streaming
all down her leg. She'd been kneeling in
her room and cut her knee open. It was a
deep cut, about 1/2" long, but it
wasn't gaping. Do I take her in or
not? The closest facility is the ER in Knoxville
Lizzie pulled out her first top tooth a
couple of days later. She was SO
excited. That thing bled and bled,
though. Maybe she's just a bleeder. Sam is a little jealous because his top
teeth, while slightly wiggly, are definitely
not ready for release yet. It
just galls him whenever Lizzie beats him to anything! I am hoping Lizzie will loose her other top
tooth before the first, permanent one grows back. I don't think there is anything cuter than a
kid with no top teeth! Maybe that will
happen before she gets her birthday pictures done. I hope so!
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The tv was on this week and it flashed
to an advertisement that features a robed judge sitting behind the bench,
waving her gavel. Ellie observed that
and then excitedly commented, "Hey - we go see that lady!" It took me a minute, but I realized she was
remembering her adoption. How cool is
that? I didn't think she'd be capable of
remembering that day, as young as she was.
I found a cute cupcake recipe on
Pinterest that I'm going to make on the 19th.
Lizzie is very insistent that we must acknowledge the anniversary of
their adoption and I think that's a good idea, too. Cupcakes sound like an excellent way to do
that, I'm thinking!
*****************************************************
Will told me that he is becoming
aggravated by a sign at his job. It
reads, "Womens" for the women's section store of the store. He thinks it should be "Women's"
and I'd have to agree. It's the section
of the store belonging to women, so "women" should be possessive. Right?
I love that I have a child who also gets irritated by these things. The other day I was in a PostNet store, where
they mail stuff and do copies and things like that. They have a rolling screen on the wall
featuring ads from local businesses.
Someone's ad used "it's" when it should have been
"its" and it was all I could do from pointing that out to the store
worker. Of all the things wrong in the
world, I guess I really shouldn't let bad punctuation and grammar get to me,
but I do.
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I discovered this week that bacon can
be baked. I never knew that. All these years of making a mess on the stove
and being repeatedly stung by popping grease have been for naught. I tried it - twice - and it worked
beautifully both times.
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David grew this summer - a lot. Actually, he's pretty much been growing
non-stop for the past year. Ben grew a
lot, too, over the summer, I found, when I tried on his clothes for this fall
and winter. David grew so much, though,
that he can't wear the clothes that Ben outgrew. His long, bony wrists protrude past the ends of those sleeves. So, they both need a ton of clothes this
season. They're in men sizes, of course,
which means the cost of their clothing is a lot more than when they were
little. Fortunately, we have a Plato's
Closet out here, which is a wonderful consignment store geared toward teens and
young adults. In fact, they've outgrown
their current facility and will soon be moving into a new, bigger store. I need to get out there one of these days,
soon, to get what they need.
But I got a coupon from Younkers this
week, good only this weekend, for $50 off a $100 purchase. They seem to send those out fairly regularly,
but I don't know that I've ever used one before. It's not too often I need to buy $100 worth
of something from a department store, I guess.
So this morning I loaded up all 5 kids and drove to town, hoping to
score at least a couple pairs of jeans for David. I was so tickled when I found a display of Ruff
Hewn jeans (mid-price brand Younkers carries) that were normally $48 a pair on
sale for $25. With my coupon I ended up
getting four pairs for $12.50 apiece! I
don't think I would have found them at a consignment store or even Walmart for that
cheap. Of course, considering that David
may have them outgrown by January, it's probably best I don't invest a whole
lot into his bottoms.
He really wants a new suit and I want
to get him one. I think most moms of
teenage boys would be thrilled to have a son that actually wants to
dress up for church! I'm hoping Kohls
will send me a 30% of coupon one of these days soon and then I'll be able to
scoop him up one for not a whole lot of money.
That's how I got both of Will's last winter. He'd better not grow anymore, either.
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Yesterday I did my monthly shopping. It was Lizzie's turn to go and since she also
needed a whole lot of winter clothing (I really need to become friends with
someone who has a daughter slightly older and larger than Lizzie) I took
advantage of her company to take care of those needs, too. We actually had a very nice time
together. I enjoyed it especially
because she's been such a pill lately. I
think I'm starting to learn how to
"stroke" her in order to get better behavior responses out of her,
but I find that irritating, too, that I have to do that in order to get her to
be reasonable and somewhat compliant.
She should just obey because it's the right thing to do! But anyway, yesterday was nice. I think she enjoyed the one-on-one time. She can be a delightful human being when she wants
to be.
We found everything she needed. I think Lizzie appreciated that I let her
choose her own clothing - even when it wasn't what I wanted for her. As long as it doesn't violate my standards
for what I think pleases God most and it
reflects well on our house, then I'm going to try not to be too controlling -
even though I waited 18 years to be able to buy little girl clothing!
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Another week starts tomorrow. It will be a busy one. Monday I've got to spend time up at City Hall
getting ready for Thursday night's meeting - otherwise, I'm not sure when it
will happen. Monday night David and Sam
start flag football. Tuesday is a
Learning RX day and then that evening I am helping serve Simpson students
supper for a thing our church does every so often. Wednesday I'll be in Iowa City
As I am spending a lot of time these
days ruminating over just what it is that is going on in my heart/soul/mind, I
find that I am appreciating a song by Tenth Avenue
North
Worn
I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes
I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
I know I need
To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn even before the day begins
I'm worn I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn so heaven come and flood my eyes
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn
Yeah I'm worn
Dear Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI just love you.