Day 453

August 31, 2014

Day 453

 

The last few hours of August, for which I am grateful.  August is probably my 12th most favorite month.

 

Although, I do have to be fair.  This August has not been so rough.  I have been plagued by hayfever my entire life.  It usually starts the second week of Aug, Sept. tends to be rough, and by Oct. it's slowly improving.  The first frost ends it all.  So every year, I pray for an early frost!  It's just plain misery most days.  My eyes continually feel like they have sand in them, I awaken every morning with my eyelashes glued shut, I wake up gasping for breath in the wee hours of the morning and have to pop an antihistamine.  Sometimes I am so drugged up I know I should not be driving.  I have a continually sore neck because I have to sleep with my head propped up all night long in order to breathe.  Some days I have absolutely horrible allergy attacks where nothing I take seems to touch the allergies.  I sneeze and sneeze and sneeze and the older I get, the less confident my bladder is, so my sneezing causes other issues.  I'm wet from head to foot - or at least, the bottom of my torso.

 

But this year, I am not experiencing it.  Yet, anyway.  Maybe Sept will be miserable; I don't know.  I can tell it's allergy season.  I have had to take a few zyrtec, but normally zyrtec will not touch my allergies this time of year.  I did have one day this month where I had to go for the chlortrimeton, which is usually my go-to drug during the season.  Since I don't have it built up in my system that one time I had to take it really knocked me out.    I'm not sure what is happening.  For the past couple of years, the boys and I have been going to that chiropractor in Jefferson who claims to "heal" allergies.  I take those kind of claims with a grain of salt, but I figured if he only  helped, it would be an improvement.  We did go see him Aug. 1 and after doing one treatment, he said there was nothing more he could do for us - we were cured - until and if other allergies crop up in the future.  I internally rolled my eyeballs at that piece of information, but his declaration will save me some money since our insurance won't cover these visits, so I'll roll with it.  But now that I've had this amazing August...I don't know.  Maybe this guy does know what he's talking about.  More than likely, it's probably some fluke thing.  But I will take it, anyway! 

 

It's been a really, really wet past few weeks, too, so maybe that's had something to do with the ragweed growth.  Once it dries out, I may find my symptoms increasing.

 

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I told the kids the other day that we needed to, "hit the road."  I knew Sam was being deliberately funny, but he seriously replied, "That sounds bloody!"  I rather imagine it could be.

 

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I just feel so blah lately.  I'm not  sure what it is, if it's any one particular thing or just a combination of different factors.  Will left, I have had tremendous, tremendous behavior difficulties with Lizzie the past few weeks, I've had this Medicaid deal hanging over my head (which is, thankfully,resolved now). I'm gaining weight, but the ways I know to lose it all sound singularly unappealing.  I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do with the rest of my life now.  I keep kicking around ideas in my head and don't find myself too enthusiastic or peaceful about any of them. But the worries about my eventual financial future continue to mount in my mind.  Oh, and Paul is still dead.  Is this what depression feels like?  I don't know.  Maybe this, too, will pass.  I think I have spent most of my life anticipating things and right now, for the first time, I can't think of a single thing to look forward to.  I'm not so sure that looking forward to the day these kids are finally grown and leave me alone counts, either...

 

The future just seems so bleak right now.  I know in June I reported that I was starting to see "shoots of hope" sprouting up in the parched and barren land that is my life.  However, I think a drought came and they withered.  I'm just not seeing anything right now.

 

There has to be something more cheerful to write about, right?

 

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I did get my story submitted to the Good Housekeeping contest this week.  That felt good.  I haven't written anything since Paul died other than this blog and a few devo pieces for Jewels.  I knew what I wanted to write about for the contest but I put it off and put it off.  I do that, normally.  I dread the start of writing anything.  I don't really know why because I like writing.  Once I get going I can do it, but man, staring at that blank page in my Word program is still so intimidating!  But I got the story done, had a friend edit it for me, and emailed it in.  I don't think I will win and that's not even my motivation for entering.  I just wanted to do it to do it.  Paul's death took away a lot from me, but I hated the thought it might have taken my writing, too.

 

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I saw Will briefly Friday night.  He got off work and drove straight down.  He shoveled some enchilada casserole in his mouth and loaded up his brothers in his car and took them to the first Pleasantville game.  That was nice of him.  Before he pulled out of the driveway he handed me his hamper and asked me to wash up his clothes while he was at the game.  Then, he came home later, watched some high football Friday night round-up show with David, and took off after 11 to make his midnight curfew at Faith.  Before he left he took the entire pan of enchilada casserole. I'm feeling a bit used.

 

It occurred to me this week that one of the reasons I am probably taking Will's departure so hard is that, of all the boys, he is most like Paul in personality.  As long as he was home, it was as though I still had a bit of Paul here.  But now I don't.  But, Sam reminds me an awful lot of Will at the same age, so maybe as he grows up I'll get some of that back.  I've already determined that even if Will eventually moves out of state, I'm going to ship Sam off to him on a regular basis, just so Will can continue to have that kind of influence in his little brother's life.  Will has always been particularly attached to Sam, so I don't think he'll have a problem with my plans.

 

Will said it was kind of funny, after the game, Sam asked if he could run the length of the football field, from one goalpost to the other.  He wasn't even wearing tennies, but Will told him to go for it, thinking he'd make it partway down the field before collapsing.  Will told me Sam never stopped once, just ran like the wind, all the way down the field!

 

When Ben got home I asked him how the game went.

 

"Oh, it was a tough game, " he replied, shaking his head.

 

"Oh?" I asked, "What was the score?"  Thinking it would be some nailbiting numbers, I had to laugh when Ben told me it was 21-0!

 

"But it was a tough game!" he repeated as he went down to bed.  I was recounting this conversation a few minutes later to Will and David and David rolled his eyes.  He told me Ben had to tell that to everyone at the game and of course, everyone had to talk to Ben while there.  He seems to be pretty popular at school and related events.  It made me laugh, anyway!

 

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Maybe Ben is the reason  that one of my top two favorite movies of all time is Forrest Gump.  That of course, is the 1994 movie starring Tom Hanks about the mentally slow Forrest Gump who, while maintaining his complete innocence about the world around him, manages to have this amazing life.  In a lot of ways, Forrest reminds me of Ben.

 

David and I watched the movie together last night.  The boys gave it to me for my birthday 5 months ago but I have not taken the time to sit down and watch it.  I just always have too  much to do to commit 2 hours or more to sitting and doing nothing!  But David has been wanting to watch it, so we did.  I had only ever seen it in pieces when it was aired on tv.  Evidently they did quite a bit of editing for the tv version.  :(

 

But, I still love it.  What a story!  I didn't realize until starting the movie last night that it is based on a novel.  Now I really, really want to read the book!  I've had the theme song running through my head all day.

 

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I said something a little while ago to David about a hymn I want sung at my funeral.  It's The Solid Rock, which is my favorite hymn.  Well, next to It is Well with my Soul.  That's always been my favorite and was the reason I picked it for Paul's funeral.  I still love it, but I have a very hard time singing it now because of the memories associated with it.  So anyway, I told David I want this other hymn at my funeral and he says,

 

"Great - now you're going to wreck another of my favorite songs  for me!'  Sorry, Kid!...

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A bad storm is rolling in.  I have an uneasy feeling about this one and had better get off the computer.  I'll be back in a few days and will, hopefully, still have a standing house.  Maybe I'll have a happier attitude about life, too.