The title is a description of my old life...but these days I ramble on about widowhood, homeschooling, single parenting, adoption, special-needs parenting, & living a life I never planned for or expected - a life that God, thankfully, continues to strengthen & equip me for daily...
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW
September 10, 2014
day.I did not get a single thing
accomplished except making some pumpkin bars.Of course, when you spend 4 hours driving and a couple of hours in Iowa City, it kind of shoots the entire
wouldn't be so bad except that two weeks from today I'll be doing it all over
again.And then I have to go back
again.And when Ben has surgery (!) it
will be yet another IA City trip.Ugh.
thought this was a one-time deal.I
couldn't get anyone to do Ben's fillings here, was sent to IA City and I
thought they were going to take care of them and send us home!But no, as it turned out this visit was
merely a consultation in which I had to detail Ben's entire dental
history along with his behaviors from infancy onward regarding dental
line: he now has 4 cavities, two on each side.Since he tolerated having his teeth counted well today they want to try
to fill them normally, with a Novocain and a drill.Ben hasn't had that since we used to papoose
him at Creighton school of dentistry when he was between ages 3 - 8.Our last dentist in Clive did only laser work
which Ben tolerated wonderfully.IA City
wants to do this in two separate visits.But, if he panics and it doesn't work out then we'll probably just do it
wisdom teeth have to come out.I hadn't
even thought about that.Will still has
his and hasn't been bothered by them so I didn't stop to think that Ben is
probably at an age where his are maturing.The dentist said with the shape of Ben's mouth there is "no
way" the teeth are going to come in on their own.I'm thinking that maybe we should do
everything surgically then, anyway, since the teeth are going to have to come
out.But they're telling me that they'd
like to see if Ben can handle dental work while awake because if he can then
maybe they can do the wisdom teeth in a chair with an IV rather than having to
do it at the hospital.Ok...but that
means I'm going to be spending a lot of gas money and time running to Iowa City for all this...sigh...
if it works out, I'd like to postpone the wisdom teeth removal until next
summer so he doesn't have to miss any school.If I could get it scheduled after he goes to camp and before David
starts Driver's Ed (I'll have to load all 5 kids up twice a day to take and
retrieve him for about 2 weeks of classes) that would work best I think.
I may have
to contact Transportation Reimbursement (Medicaid service) in regards to paying
for these trips.These people are a
nightmare to work with, which is why I gave up a few years ago trying to get
them to pay for Ben's medical trips.The
stress wasn't worth it.But with a
minimum of 3 more IA City trips in my near future, I'm going to need some help.
So that is
that for now, anyway.What else?
Oh, I have
a leak.All that rain yesterday.I'm not sure exactly what we got.I guess I should go look in the wheelbarrow
that's been sitting in my front yard for the last week - I'd probably have a
good idea then.But most surrounding
cities are reporting totals of 4-6".My basement stayed perfectly dry, praise the Lord.But we discovered a wet ceiling panel in the
kitchen today.It came through that old
bathroom window upstairs.That window is
actually scheduled to be replaced, along with Will's bedroom window when I have
the siding done next month.I think that
window is so ancient the rain went right through it.I am fearful that there may be an awful lot
of wood rot that will be discovered when they go to replace it (which is going
to translate into a more expensive job).I know when Paul replaced the windows on the opposite side of the
upstairs in the girls' bedroom he ended up rebuilding the entire wall!I am also praying the rain did not get into
the new drywall there in the kitchen that's right beside where the leak has
shown up.Sometimes I hate being a
homeowner.Correction: I hate being a
SINGLE homeowner.It wasn't too bad when
Paul was alive.
missing him today - and not just because of my leaky ceiling.I think a trigger for me is long trips when
the kids are either being exceptionally quiet or I'm alone.Ben had his headphones on the entire time so
it was just the radio and me for 4 hours.It's not the depression or feelings of hopelessness, though.It's just grief.By now, I recognize its sharp edges and am
even comfortable with its presence.It
is no longer paralyzing.I feel it
coming on, kind like a black cloak is descending over me.Its pointy edges burrow into my stomach and
chest and it just sits there for a time and then it quietly leaves - sometimes
after a few hours, sometimes a few days.
lost another tooth this week, this time a canine tooth on the bottom.She's getting a decided jack-o-lantern look
to her smile!She showed me her
remaining top tooth and that's sitting cockeyed now, too.She told me she's been wiggling it really
hard because she heard me say I hoped she'd have both teeth out before she gets
her birthday pictures done next month.Oh, Lizzie...I told her to stop it.I didn't mean she needed to pull out her teeth just to please me!
this week I found her curled up on the floor with her blanket and pillow.I managed to rouse her enough to get her to
climb back into her bed.The next
morning I asked her why she had been on the floor and she said simply,
"Oh, there was a spider in my bed."Well, that might make me sleep on the floor, too...
I was at
Goodwill with her last Friday and while I was standing in line she was browsing
through all the stuff on display near the check-out aisle.There was a rack of granny panties that I
presume some store couldn't sell and donated.I wonder why they always feature a youngish woman on those panty
packages?I don't think anyone under 60
wears those kind of underwear!But
Lizzie, who is not a quiet child, had to pipe up, "Oh, look, Mom!This is the kind of underwear YOU
wear!"And of course, the checkout
lane at Goodwill was exceptionally long when she made her erroneous
I took the Littles to a kid consignment store while David was at Learning
RX.While there, Sam and Lizzie asked to
get their Halloween costumes.It was as
good as time as any, so I was agreeable.Sam chose a camo hunting costume.I made Lizzie narrow her choices down to three to try on.One was a bear with a furry brown head.Lizzie looked at herself in the mirror and
seriously commented, "Well, it's a good thing I'm already brown because I
match!"I couldn't help it - I
laughed!She ended up going with a white
Cleopatra costume, though.It looked
just stunning against her previously mentioned brown skin.Unfortunately for her, she lives in Iowa and there's no way I'm going
to let her traipse all over town bare-armed the last night of October - not
unless I want a sick kid for the next week!So we're going to have to find a white turtleneck to put under that,
along with some long underwear and sweatpants!
There is a
great deal of satisfaction I am finding in knowing that you raised a child and
you raised him well.I had one of those
moments yesterday when Will texted me a picture of one of the pages in a book
he's reading for a class.He wrote,
"should be 'accepted,'right?"He had found an error - "excepted" instead of
"accepted."He makes me
proud.I suspect that what he was
reading was probably old English and they did some funky stuff with the
language back then.But I'm just pleased
as all get out that he knows the difference between the two words and can
I had a
brainstorm this week about the basement desks.Paul had his desk and I had mine, which is actually a painted metal,
drop-leaf antique table from the 50s.After he died I did re-do the files in his desk drawers to make them
easier for me to access and rearranged some of the other drawers.But I haven't actually used his desk for
much, other than storing some scrapbooking supplies on top of it.Last week I found myself frustrated as I
attempted to pay bills amidst all the clutter of crafty things on my
table.But I've always paid bills there
- that's MY space and Paul's desk was his.A couple of days later it suddenly occurred to me that there is no
reason I can't use Paul's desk for my own now.Why not use my table only for scrapbooking and other crafty endeavors
and use Paul's desk for bill paying and organization?It's an obvious solution but it took me this
long to come up with it!I got that all
switched around and oh, it'snice now!
done with my "Widows Wear Stilettos" book.I really have appreciated this book.It's a practical widows manual covering all
kinds of topics regarding this new station in life.One thing the author covers is eventual dating
and remarriage.She even tells you what
to say and what not to say on a first date about your deceased mate.That's good to know.Knowing myself, I'd probably lay out the
whole sorry story of Paul's death on my first date and scare off the poor guy.One thing she brought up that I thought was
interesting was that a lot of men don't want to date widows.That surprised me because I would think that
a man would appreciate a widow (obviously faithful - stood by her man until the
end) over a divorcee.But the author
said that men, by and large, prefer the divorced because they don't feel then
like they have to compete with a dead man.Plus, a divorced woman probably has some animosity toward her former
husband, so he's definitely going to look good in comparison.But a widow - too much "baggage"
was the word the author used.
that's depressing to those of us hoping to find love again someday!But, I have to remind myself that all this is
said leaving God out of the equation.The right man won't be scared off.
not now.I'm just thinking ahead.
I've got.I want to take a bath and
crawl into bed.I've got my electric
blanket back on my bed and I think I will appreciate that tonight.Fall arrived quickly this year.I'm not complaining! I love the cooler temps
and putting away of summer.Fall is comforting.
I hope my
section of Heaven is in an eternal autumn state - leaves crunching on the
ground, pumpkins decorating the front porch of my mansion, a fire crackling
inside the front door...