August 19, 2014
Day 441
I am so, SO tired today. I took Will
shopping for all the college stuff he's going to need that I couldn't get on
my own this summer while he was gone. Ben insisted on tagging along, which was
fine. It took a lot longer than I had
anticipated, though. I'm worn out.
We were riding around in Will's car all day and after about an hour, the AC
decided to conk out. That was terrible! I do not do well in heat at all. Will isn't bothered by it a bit. I suggested that maybe we ought to have it
looked at and he looked at me, horrified.
Why would he want to spend money on his air conditioning? Maybe he doesn't think he needs it, but if he
gets a girlfriend this year, she probably would not be appreciative of sweaty
armpits and wind-blown hair after riding around with him. Maybe he'll only date when it's cold
out.
I've known for the last month or so I need to have my van aligned. I bought four brand new tires last fall and I
had to replace two of them last month.
But it's not so easy for me to take my van in for work. I can't sit around and wait all day long but
everyone I know lives so far away from me, it would be asking an awful lot of
people to accompany me to the mechanics, back home, and then come get me again
to take me to go get my repaired van. If
I didn't have any choice, I guess I'd have to ask, but that's going to be a
very last resort. So, anyway, Will came
home the other night and commented that my front tires aren't looking too great
now. Oh, it just makes me so mad - they
were brand new last November. How can
they be bald already? Things suddenly
clicked in my little brain that I really ought to have the alignment done
during these few days that he's home so he could be the one to take me to the
mechanic's.
So this morning we dropped my van off in Indianola. There's a shop there I really like. They've always seemed to be so honest in the
few dealings I've had with them. I told
them I needed the alignment, the oil changed, and I'd like them to check out
the guts to make sure nothing's in imminent danger of going bad. Since Paul died I just have this terrible
fear of something happening to my van and being stranded. I bought AAA coverage, but I'd still be
without a vehicle after getting it towed somewhere. What do people DO without a husband to rescue
them?
Around 1 I got a call from the mechanic.
My tie rods are bad which may or may not be causing my alignment issue,
my water pump is leaking (I had no clue), the front tires had to be
replaced (their words). I sighed and
told them to do it all. It's going to
cost me over $700 which makes me sick. I
know if Paul were alive it wouldn't cost nearly so much. I remember him talking about replacing those
very parts in other vehicles we've had.
But I don't have much choice at the moment, do I?
I tried to convince myself that I should just be thankful that I have the
money to do the work. And I am. But money concerns are at the top of my list
these days.
I woke up Sun. morning literally panicking over my finances. I do that from time to time. I almost wonder if it's a Satanic thing. Ben turns 18 in a couple of months which
means he'll be ineligible for Survivor's benefits anymore. I don't think I have a tremendous lot to
worry about since he'll then qualify for Disability. I believe that amount will be equal to or
even greater than what comes in for Survivors.
But I don't know how long it will take for things to get switched over.
I may be short a few months while we wait for everything to kick in. I need to get down to Ottumwa and visit the
Social Security office. The girls needs
cards with their new names and I'd like to find out what's what with Ben. But then in 3 years I will lose David's
portion when he turns 18. How am I going
to survive without that money? It's not
like my financial responsibilities to the child end when they turn 18, even
though the money stops then.
I just find myself so topsy turvy in my mind. I feel like I need to be making some
decisions and plans for my future, but at the same time I don't want to. I have no peace or assurance about taking any
particular direction whether it's staying put for the time being, going back to
college, or putting the Littles in school and getting a full time job once
David graduates. These days I am praying
for peace and guidance, but so far I'm experiencing confusion and distress.
Maybe there's a little part of me that's mad, too. I don't want to have to make these
kind of decisions. This wasn't how it
was supposed to be. I was supposed to be
a full-time homeschooling mom forever while Paul supported us. That was
our plan! While I managed our daily
finances, everything still ultimately rested with him and I find myself kind of
angry at times that I don't have him to bear that final responsibility anymore. There are moments that I am even resentful
that Paul got to escape all this and I got stuck with ALL of it. He never has to worry about another thing in
his life while my worry and responsibility load more than doubled with his
departure.
Maybe I should quit typing now. It
doesn't sound like I'm in the best frame of mind to be publicly sharing just
what's on mine.
The good thing is that when these times of worry and stress arise, I do
find it easier as time goes on to quickly remind myself of the nature of
God. For whatever reason, He wants me
alone and bearing this load right now. I
have to remind myself that if I feel like I am bearing it alone than that is my
fault. So what is the nature of
God? These came from a study we did in
Sunday School a few years ago. I've been
going through it again with Marcia for the last year. It's a study written by Dr. Jim Berg,
entitled, Taking Time to Quiet Your Soul. It's not written specifically for those
experiencing grief, but boy, have I found it helpful in the midst of my
grieving season.
God is good, always! That means...
A. He will always meet my genuine needs - always! -
Philippians 4:13, Matthew 6:31-33
B. He will always forgive my sin - always! 1 John 1:9,
Psalm 51, Isaiah 66:2b
C. He is always up to something good in my life -
always! Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:26-34
D. He will always love me personally - always! Romans
8:35-39, Jeremiah 31:3, John 17:23
E. He will always give me the grace I need - always! 2
Corinthians 9:8, 1 Corinthians 15:10 , 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
God is always great - always! That means...
A. He is always in control of all things - always!
Psalm 103:19, Isaiah 14:27, Isaiah 46:9-10
B. He is always present with me - always! Psalm
139:7-12, Isaiah 41:10, Jeremiah 23:24
C. He is always the same - always! Malachi 3:6a,
Hebrews 1:10-12
D. He is always trustworthy - always! 2Timothy 2:13 , Psalm 36:5, Numbers 23:19 , Deuteronomy 7:9, Deuteronomy 31:8
E. He is always wise in what He does - always! Romans
11:33, Colossians 2:3, Revelation 15:3-4
I feel like I should write
these out on a card and just carry it around with me. That way I can whip it out when I get to
feeling overwhelmed.
******************************************
As mentioned, Will is
home. Already, he's fixed my kitchen
light, a bathroom towel bar, and the weedeater!
When he got home Friday night the first thing he wanted to do was eat. As he was shoveling forkfuls of my crazy
chicken casserole (chicken, spiral noodles, spices, soup, bacon, and cheese) in
he exclaimed, "This is SO good!"
I was surprised to hear him say that because one of the high points
about camp has been the wonderful food they serve. I told him I thought he'd be missing camp
food, having to come home. Will said it
was great - at first. But he was eating
the same thing over and over and over at camp and soon got tired of it. I had never thought about that before. They serve the same meals for all the youth
camps and the five family camps all follow the same menu too. I guess that would get old after awhile -
kind of like the Israelite's manna in the desert.
Later, we were sitting in my
room catching up and I was filling him on things. I said something about the possibility of me
dying. Will looked me straight in the
eye and said with great conviction, "You can't die now. It would completely ruin my life if you
died."
Awww! He's not an overly sentimental or expressive young man and
it felt like we were finally having a moment there. Then reality dawned. Will is the named guardian of his brothers if
something happens to me. My death would
greatly interfere with his college plans.
I said as much and Will nodded. I
protested, "I thought you were saying that my death would ruin your
life!"
Will shrugged and commented,
"I've adjusted to living without Dad.
I can live without you, too."
Thanks.
He's not completely cold
hearted. Yesterday he was unpacking all
his stuff from camp. I was pretty
surprised when he tossed a camp t shirt on my desk. He'd thought of me and bought me a pink IRBC
shirt all on his own! He even got the
size right. I may keep him after all.
***************************************
I had a couple of emails from the school counselor at
Pleasantville today. It tickled me. He had some questions about homeschooling
because there is now another family in the district interested in dual-enrolling
their homeschooled teenager like we did with Will. Apparently they had some questions on how to
do it and the counselor wasn't sure how to answer them. Evidently, Will must have broken some ground
when he played football and took classes at the high school. I remember one of his teachers telling me
that Will had "made a difference" at the school and "forever
changed the way we view homeschooling."
I was pleased to hear the praise at the time, but a little baffled,
too. Surely, in all the years
homeschooling has been happening Will is not the first homeschooler to pass
through their doors! It is a small
district, though, so maybe...I think there is still just a lot of ignorance
with those involved solely in traditional schooling. I've never sensed any hostility like we did
when I took Ben out of public school over in Western Iowa , though. One
of the questions for me today was if Will had an actual high school diploma! Of course, I've been steeped in all this
stuff for the past decade, so the answers are obvious to me. But I suppose they wouldn't be for those not
used to it.
*********************
The other night I couldn't fall asleep right away. I've been going to bed a little bit earlier
because I got convicted about a tv show I was staying up late to watch every
night. The show really isn't
God-honoring in any way and it just bothered me more and more. Plus, I knew sleep is something I could
definitely use more of. So anyway, I was
in bed earlier, but couldn't shut my mind off yet. I remembered how about a year ago I had a similar night so I had mentally gone over Paul's body in my
mind, seeing if I could remember how each and every part of his body felt to my
touch. I did it again the other night,
curious if time has dulled any of the memory of my senses.
It hasn't. As soon as I would think
about some particular spot - the back of his knee, his big toe, the upper right
side of his back - no matter how
insignificant of a spot, I could immediately "feel" it again in my
mind. All those thousands of times I had
touched him completely embedded into my memory bank.
How long will that last I
wonder? If 14 months has not dulled my
memory, will 14 years? Will it take
marrying again and learning another man's body for my senses to forget how Paul
felt?
And here again I find myself torn between the past and future. I don't want to forget how Paul felt. But at the same time, the thought of never
moving forward, of never loving again, of never being held by someone else also
seems equally unbearable.
This is why my focus needs to be on right now, right here. All the worrying, planning, and hoping about
the future is not going to meet my present needs. My present need is to really learn the
list I copied into this post earlier!
It's recognizing that God will take care of the future, but right now, I
have things to experience and learn in
the present.
Right now, there's a lot in my present that isn't fun or enjoyable. There's a lot of hard work, pain, loneliness, and just plain, difficult days. But whether I see it or not, this present is
fashioning my future. It's molding me,
whether I want to be molded or not. I think the Apostle Paul referred to it
once as the "refiner's fire."
The future will take care of itself.
I have confidence that God will give me the wisdom to know what steps to
take and when to take them. He's lead me
this far already - I know He's not going to abandon me mid-journey. I've only got one shot to do this present
right, though. I don't want to mess it
up.
****************************
And in my immediate present? I have
haircuts and baths to give, a kitchen to clean, and small people to get to
bed. David is insisting that we must
have a "family game night" and I am so tired that all I can think
about is going to bed. Sometimes my present
seems to last for a very, very long
time...
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