Saturday, August 23, 2014

Day 445 B

August 23, 2014

Day 445 Part B


What a day.  This morning I had a horrible allergy attack.  The drug I took seems to have helped with that, but I still have a migraine-like sinus headache.  I was able to fit in a 2 hour nap, which helped, but now I am groggy, hurting, and that much farther behind on my to-do list.  That's the way it goes, I guess, at least during allergy season.


I wrote last week about the kids' insurance issue I had been having.  At the time, it sounded like everything was taken care of it and I was so relieved.  Well, it's not taken care of.  I am absolutely sick at heart over this.    I began to get concerned when I did not receive paperwork and medical cards from Hawk-i, even though the last person I had talked to there assured me all was well.  So I called this week.  The man I talked with told me he had no record of my kids at all and they had received no referral from Medicaid.  It has been three months since Medicaid told me the kids were being referred!   I called Medicaid and the number I was given sent me to a telemarketing firm attempting to sell me a cruise.  I didn't make a mistake with the number.  I finally found a different number for Medicaid and every single time I sat through the spiel of which number to call and every single time I was told, "We're sorry, our call volume is especially high.  Please call another time."  And I would be hung up on.  I was in tears.


What am I supposed to do?  I have already cancelled several appointments this summer for David.  If either he or Sam gets hurt and I have to take them in, they will have no insurance.    I really do not feel that I can afford to buy private insurance for the kids.  I could get my attorney on this - and I may have to - but that will cost me money that I, again, really cannot afford.  There would be a certain amount of irony to having to hire an attorney to collect benefits available to lower-income residents, anyway.


I have an address for Medicaid and need to see if I can find one for Hawk-i.  Monday I intend to drive to the offices (which are probably in a not-so-good area of town) and see if I can get through by talking to someone in person.


Pray for me.  This is such a mental buden on me right now and I need resolution quickly.  I feel absolutely sick every time I think about it.



This week Ellie loaded the dishwasher all by herself one day.  I was astounded.  She pulled the stool over to the sink, stood on it, rinsed off the dishes in the sink and very neatly stacked them in the dishwasher.  This is a child who can't seem to remember that walls and furniture are not appropriate coloring surfaces, doesn't always remember to use the toilet instead of her pants, but she can load a dishwasher?  Since then, she's done it several times.  Ben already does all the unloading.  I may be out of job now!


Speaking of the dishwasher, I made my own detergent for it recently.  I did some research on the internet and found a recipe using kosher salt, borax, super washing soda and lemonade koolaid packets.  While cost effective it's not quite as good as Cascade, that I've  always used.  So, what I've been doing is to just switch off every other time I wash a load.  One time I use the homemade variety, the next, Cascade.  It seems to be doing the job.



This week on my Mourning into Dancing board (for widows) the lady who started the group commented that in her 5 years of moderating the group, she has yet to see any relationship started before the 3 year mark ever lead to marriage.  Now granted, 5 years isn't a terribly long time to have been observing, but it is still considerable.  There was a remarriage thread and someone else commented that women typically need more time to process their grief.  It's just the way we are made and a way we differ from men.  That would explain why men generally remarry a lot quicker than women do.  Hearing the moderator's observation about the 3 year mark really helped me.  I almost felt like a burden rolled off my back.  I don't have to be concerned about finding another husband/how to do it/where to do it until Paul has been gone for at least 3 years.  If I mess around before that mark, it sounds like it will be pointless and could lead to further heartbreak for myself and the kids.


So I'm done.  I'm done fussing about it in my mind.  Yes, I would very much like to remarry at some point.  That hasn't changed.  I know that God delights in giving us the desires of our heart and if He thinks another husband is what I need at some point, He will fulfill that desire for me.  If not, I will learn contentment.


But now is not the time.  I am actually accepting that with a certain amount of relief.  I can keep on doing what I'm doing without worrying about finding another man.  I can continue to mourn Paul and raise my children and go about my life without any internal fussing about the possibility of another mate.  And then someday, when the time is right and probably when I least expect it...there he will be.



It was nearly a week ago that I had that near panic attack over my finances and worry about the future.  I've calmed down considerably since then and it even occurred to me mid-week that I know I must homeschool David through high school. I know, I know, I know that public school is not the best option for him.  Four or five years from now, if I've packed him off to college, I don't think I'll be feeling what I'm feeling now with Will.  I'll be imbued with a sense of victory that I got  David so far that he can even go to college.  He needs to be home yet.  That pretty much means I've got 4 years to decide what to do about the future.  While I'd love to think I can stay home until Ellie graduates, right now I'm actually ok with the idea of putting all three of them in public school.  Of course, that may change if the reality is, eventually,  that I have to do that!  At the very least I have four years to invest my time and interest in the kids before trading it for financial survival.   I talked this all out with Marcia yesterday and she reminded me that a whole, whole lot  can happen in four years.  I have no idea what's around the corner.  Of course, that's also what frustrates me.  I want to see everything right now!  She told me that the reason I don't have the answers at the moment is because I don't need them right now.




Yesterday morning the mayor of Pleasantville stopped by my house to get a water sample (he's also our water guy - around here, our towns are so small that our  mayors also have to have "real" jobs!).  He mentioned to me that Pleasantville's part-time deputy city clerk position is about to open up and he thought I'd be perfect for that job.  For a moment I was torn.  Was this an answer to my prayer and angst earlier in the week?  It only took a few seconds for me to shake my head, though.  This was not the answer, as tempted as I might be.  My kids need me.  I'm already so torn and running around half-cocked because of time pressures.  If I were out of the home 4 hours a day that would only increase the stress levels in our house.  Plus, it would mean David would have to babysit that much more.  He already does it more often than he should have to.  There will be other job opportunities when the time is right.



I heard this week that the literal translation of Jerusalem is, "city of peace."  Isn't that interesting? I never knew that.


Last night at scrapbooking I had a great conversation with my friend, Luanne.  We were talking about the whole Ferguson, Missouri thing.  That's an event I have been disgusted by but haven't allowed myself the luxury yet of really sitting down and thinking about.  Like I saw on a FB post today, you throw a molative cocktail at police and then complain about "excessive force"?  Anyway, we talked for quite awhile about race and my concerns about doing the right thing for the girls.  Luanne is such a blunt talker and loves to debate.  But she told me, "Sarah - those girls are not yours by accident.  Don't worry about the race thing.  You just love them, raise them by instinct, and things are going to be fine."


I think I need to unsubscribe from my transracial FB group.  The posts just mess me up.  Of course, they've all been pro-demonstrations in Ferguson and someone even asked last week who was going down to protest.  I'm disgusted.  Yes, I know that racism still exists, but it does not exist to the extent that it did 40 years ago.  I really think Martin Luther King Jr. would be appalled by what is happening.


Today, Lizzie came to me and said, "I wish I wasn't black."  My heart froze.  I have read that sooner or later, most black girls will express this.  It's usually in relation to beauty issues since, like it or not, the blue-eyed, long haired blond beauty does still tend to be our ultimate symbol of what is considered beautiful in this world.   I think that is slowly changing, but we're not quite there yet.


I questioned her and it very quickly came out that Lizzie associates negative behaviors with brown skin.  She told me that it seems like on tv the people getting arrested are black and the women wearing skanky clothing are black and the people not taking care of their kids right  are black.  I was very quick to point out to her that bad choices have nothing to do with the color of one's skin, but with the "color" of their heart (we talk a lot about heart "colors" around here).  Fortunately (?) Paul has a nephew who has spent quite a bit of his young life in the Nebraska penal system and I was able to use him as an example to Lizzie that white people make very, very bad choices, too.   I assured her that there are plenty of brown people who dress appropriately, talk intelligently, and lead very successful and God-honoring lives. 


But Lizzie has never been exposed to anyone like that.  Quite honestly, my contact with those kind of black people has been pretty limited, too.  This is why I really need to find some black mentors for the girls at some point.  In the meantime, I need to make a point to point out famous current and dead black people who made good choices (Condaleeza Rice, Dr. Ben Carson, Harriet Tubman,George Washington Carver, etc.)  Part of me still argues that color shouldn't matter, but it does matter to Lizzie and it's important that she not think that her life and opportunities are limited in any way because of the color of her skin.




I got an invitation last night for a 50th anniversary celebration for a couple in our neighborhood.  The thing is, I know for a fact that the husband spoke to an attorney a few weeks ago about the possibility of obtaining a divorce. It doesn't sound like it's going to happen, but sigh...



When I came home Thursday night from orientation, David was in tears.  He had just watched, "Courageous" for the first time since before Paul died.  Oh, David...I love, love, love the Sherwood films, but I may never be able to watch them again.  So I had to deal with him a little bit.  Then, to my surprise, he whipped out the ipad and began furiously typing.  He takes after his mother more than he realizes...


This is what he wrote.  He said it was ok for me to put it on my blog:


We were made to be courageous"
Those are the lyrics to Casting Crowns song Courageous, I just listen to that song for the first time since my dad died... after I watched the movie Courageous.

At first I didn't know if I could but then I did.
Before I started it, I prayed to the Lord to help me get though the movie, and I did!

But of coarse this movie really made me think about my DAD, in this movie Adam (one of the main characters) his daughter died in a car crash. But that made him
really think of how great of a dad he was and what he could do to be better a dad for his son.

In which this case reminded me how DAD was always striving to be a better dad, every time he made a mistake he would come and apologize to us.
But then it made me think of much of a son I was to him... but that is what the devil is trying to make to think, and I know DAD was very proud of me and he was interested in me to see how I will grow.
I was different from him (in a good way) I had a more tender heart then DAD.

In the movie the chief of the police told everyone that most young people that end up in jail is because the dad left them or just didn't spend much time with them. I am sooooo glad that DAD did spend time with all of us. No matter if it was playing around with us, or teaching us stuff from working on the house.

The Lord called him home, I could be soooo upset, but I'm not, God called him home because he done everything the Lord wanted him to, I think part of what God wanted to teach us about God and he did that. Every time DAD tuck me in when I was little he would say "mommy daddy Jesus loves you", that was one thing DAD mainly taught us, that Jesus loves us.

So in conclusion DAD loved me and I love him. He was always striving to be a better DAD, and I say he succeeded



Be still, my heart...


Then, last night while I was at scrapbooking, David watched "Fireproof."  That is my all-time favorite movie, but I don't know that I will ever be able to watch it again.  Maybe sometime.  I don't know.

David wrote up a little something on that, too, I discovered later.  I don't know if he felt like he had to, as a companion piece to what he had done the night before, or if he just felt especially motivated.


"Love is not a fight but something worth fighting for."
That is a song I herd tonight while I watched fireproof, I haven't watch that movie since DAD died.

Now I'm not married, so it didn't bother me much. But it got me thinking about MOM & DAD.
No MOM and DAD didn't ever had a fight about getting divorce, but they did have a fight (not very often.) And plus they would of never have a fight about a divorce,  they were both saved when they got married.
No matter what happen with MOM & DAD they would know how to fix it.

I am soooo thankful God made them to be my parents! If they weren't my parents I don't know who what kind of a person I would be?

They were meant for each other!

So when my DAD died it was painful for me to see my MOM without a husband.
But since then my MOM has really grown spiritually and emotionally.

She has brought our family closer together. She was the first one who told me everything will be okay after my DAD died.
She is still ( and probably for awhile) facing challenges. But I do know that she is leaning on the Lord.

So in conclusion they were a great couple!
And they loved each other soooo much! And I am thankful for that! 



The part that really "got" me was where he talked about me being the first to assure him after Paul's death that things were going to be ok.  It must have been when I gathered the kids around that morning to tell them Paul had died.  I don't remember  all I said, other than it seemed to be Holy Spirit driven.  Nothing in my life had ever prepared me for that moment.




Last night a friend had a quote posted on her FB wall.  I don't know who said this, but boy, it resonated and I've thought it often today.


Don't mistake God's patience for God's absence


There have been times, especially lately, when it has seemed to be that God is silent when I feel like I need to hear from him.  That's frustrating to me.  But maybe what I'm really witnessing is God patiently working out his perfect plan in my life.

I can wait, knowing that.












































  1. I'm thinking of your David, whom I don't even know except through your blogs. I think it is neat that he wrote his feelings following the movies and then shared them with you! I'm thinking these next few years are not only a time for him to prepare for college but also his time to grow into manhood. His brother Will has been "man of the house" this past year and has been such a great help to you. David also has done so much for you by staying with and caring for his younger siblings many times but I'm thinking that in the next few years he will have opportunities to learn that he can help in ways far beyond babysitting the children! From his writing, he seems to be accepting that he and his Dad were very different in personality, talents, etc. but that there was still a strong bond between them. I have been and will continue to pray for you and ALL your children, but I am going to pray specifically for David as I sense God is working in his life to prepare him for the special plan and purpose that He has for David! Bless you all!

  2. I am praying for you and will pray about the Medicaid/Hawk-i mess.
    These things David wrote - I don't even know what to say. Precious.