DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW
October 23, 2013
Day 140
It’s another Wednesday,
but I can’t remember how many weeks it has been now. I guess I could go figure it up, but it’s
really not that important. I only keep
track of the days because of my blog.
I’m still freezing at
night. I started wearing my long pj’s,
that I normally only wore on the coldest of winter nights. Of course, it doesn’t help when I discovered
that the thermostat was set at only 62 last night! I told Will he needed to bump that thing up
to at least 65. He shook his head like I
was dumping bucketfuls of money out the window, but I’m not going to freeze,
either.
You know what’s really
cold at night? Having a child wet the
bed beside you…Early yesterday Sam crept into bed with me again like he
normally does. It didn’t take me long to
realize the sheets were damp, but I rolled over and went back to sleep. Sam, himself, woke up a short time later and
told me he was wet. I suggested he go
back to sleep and not worry about it (my maternal instincts shut down when I
do). An hour or so later he woke up
insisting he had to take a shower now.
It was 5 in the morning. I
grunted my assent, knowing he was capable of starting the shower himself. Just a few moments later I heard, loudly,
“Mom! Fix the shower!” Ugh!
Our shower head offers a variety of sprays and the last person to use it
had used what I call the “bullet” setting.
Sam didn’t appreciate that. I
didn’t either, at five in the morning!
Well, Will’s best friend,
Nathanael, is now engaged. Will helped him do the deed last Thurs.
night. It was quite a production,
involving video cameras, hundreds of candles and jars, and a lighted arch. Oh, and my mini-van, driven an hour and a
half away! Little did I know that I
would be surprised, though…I went to scrapbooking Friday night and had a
marvelous time – did not get home until close to 1am. I walked into my kitchen and it was
sparkling! I could not believe it! I got about 4 hours of sleep before I had to
go collect David from church, where the youth group was after an overnight
event. I rolled out of bed and threw on
a sweatshirt and crummy gray sweats – no bra, ran a brush through my hair,
which is never very effective, and prepared to leave. It was then that I realized Will had also
done the dishes. I simply could not
believe it. What did I do to raise such
a wonderful child? I did think it was a
bit odd Will was up at 8:30 when I was leaving. He is
never an early riser. Since my brain was
foggy, I didn’t dwell on it too much, though.
As I drove over to church I was mentally writing a Facebook post on my
surprisingly cleaned kitchen and what a blessed mama I am.
I ended up sitting for 45
minutes at church, waiting for the kids to eat donuts that their youth leader
brought. If I hadn’t looked so horrible,
I would have gone into the church basement and collected David, who,
apparently, was oblivious to the fact that I was waiting and waiting
outside! Finally, my friend, Jason, took
pity on me and collected David for me. I
had been in Jason and Deb’s van, talking with them and missed my phone ringing
twice. Will was wondering where I was, which
was odd. He never cares about my
whereabouts unless I’ve been sent to collect food. Eventually, David and I got home, I walk into
the house, intently mentally organizing my day.
Ellie popped outside and after one look at her scary head remembered
that I needed to add washing the girls’ hair to my list. I walked into the living room – and Nathanael
and his new fiancée are sitting on my loveseat (appropriately)! At first, I didn’t think anything of it,
assuming that Nathanael had come for the video Will had and all his candles
that were now in the back of the truck.
My major concern was how terrible I looked at the moment, along with the
girls who had witch hair and had, obviously, dressed themselves. But I sat down and began chatting with them
and then it slowly dawned on me…the clean house, the fact that I hadn’t seen Nathanael’s
truck…this was planned! They got
me! Oh, those boys!
And one of those boys will
be getting married next June, and the other – mine- will be standing up as his
best man. Time is not my friend anymore.
I started working on my
will this week. Actually, I’m just
waiting to hear back from my attorney about filing it and setting up a special
needs trust for Ben. He can’t actually
inherit much money and keep his waiver that pays for everything (medical,
respite, SCL, etc) so a trust has to be set up instead. I got confirmation from some friends I had
talked to about potential guardianship for the girls, which was a relief. I just need to get everything filed and then I
envision myself creating a “death” envelope.
I’m going to put this in my lockbox and it will have all the information
needed when I die. I don’t want anyone
having to make the decisions I had to when Paul died. Absolutely everything will be spelled out. All they’ll have to do is bury me and start
spending the insurance money! I’m even
going to write my own obituary and update it periodically. I hope that my kids and others understand
this to be an act of love, not an attempt to control from beyond the
grave.
But I have lots of living
to do before my death envelope will ever be needed. Lots of living, lots of loving, lots of
working…this week, though, I could do without the work! I have this tiny little job as city clerk. Normally, it’s not a huge deal. I prepare all the govt. paperwork that goes
with being an incorporated city, do office detail and get ready for meetings,
and I do all the water billing. It’s
never a big deal – until someone doesn’t pay their bill! And this week I had to order a water shut off
for a family with small children, including a two month old. Their oldest boy comes up quite frequently to
play with David; for awhile he was even attending church with us. But, they didn’t pay their bill, even after
being repeatedly warned. So, I get this
sputtering phone call the other night from the home owners, wanting me to turn
it back on. I wavered, knowing their
circumstances. But I quickly began to
sense the homeowners were not upset that they had neglected to pay their bill,
but were upset that I had the audacity to shut them off. I refused and was promptly hung up on. The next day I got another phone call. Oh, I hate this! I’m to blame for others’ poor choices,
apparently. I got hung up on again. Needless to say, the home owners are still
without running water and I – well, I am the bad guy, I guess. I struggle to find the balance between
compassion and doing what needs to be done.
Yesterday was Sam’s 6th
birthday. I was just thinking the other
day how the arrival of autumn always makes me think of babies. I can’t help but smile. I so clearly remember the fall of 1994. What a happy, happy time that was. I have this memory of driving through some
neighborhoods on the west end of Council Bluffs in late afternoon.
I must have been on my way home from work since we lived over in that
area then. The pretty, fallen leaves and
Halloween decorations that year meant one thing – my baby would soon
arrive! Those were happy, anticipatory
days. Of course, Ben was born in the
fall, as well, two years later. He arrived later
in Nov, though, and came early, so I don’t recall being as excited by the
arrival of fall as I was with Will.
And then there was Sam –
our miracle, “fleece” baby. I remember
the day before my scheduled c-section Paul taking me outside to the front yard
and having me pose for pictures with my big belly – all kinds of leaves laying
around and this smile that wouldn’t leave my face! His ended up being a more difficult birth and
that first month was rough, but I would have gone through so much more, just to
have him.
And yesterday we celebrated
him. I never, ever would have dreamed
that he’d be fatherless before he turned 6.
It was a hard day in some ways.
Ellie had her birthday shortly after Paul’s death, but friends came over
to help us through that party, so it didn’t seem so hard. The boys had their last football game and
then we headed to Pizza Hut. We used up
the last of the gift cards Paul’s grandma gave us last Christmas. They had a deal where kids had a free buffet
with the purchase of every adult one – that worked out well for our gang! Their food just did not taste as good as I
remember it normally tasting, though.
Maybe it’s me. Then we went home
and Sam frosted his own cake and opened his gifts. There were plenty – I made sure of it. Of course, I can’t give him what he wants
most. As he was opening each gift I
would tell him who it was from. Twice, I
made the mistake of saying, “This one is from Mom and Dad!” The second time I caught a stricken look on
David’s face and made sure I didn’t make that mistake again. For a number of years now, Paul had been
giving me flowers on each of the kids’ birthdays. I would usually forget he was going to do
that and so would be pleasantly surprised each time the kids reached behind
their backs and handed me a bouquet. I
didn’t forget this time. That hurt.
David took his bike up to
the cemetery the other day. He had a
solar light he wanted to put up there and a couple of Paul’s small
tractors. He came home and mentioned
that it had actually been quite awhile since he had spent any time at the
cemetery. And before I knew it, this
gangly teenager who now towers over me was sobbing in my arms. There is no pain as sharp as the one you
can’t take away from your child.
We have driven through the
cemetery at night twice since, just to admire our light for the grave. I had no idea just how many graves had those
until I did that. It really makes the
cemetery pretty. I think we’re going to
get some more lights, including the LED multi-colored ones. Death is the darkest experience there is, but
the tiny lights pierce the darkness, just as Jesus breaks through the dark days
of our current existence.
But the pain…oh, the
pain. I feel like the painted mimes who
pretend they are in boxes. Their hands
scale the invisible wall in front of their face. They turn, only to discover that a “wall”
exists on every side of their body.
Every where I turn, there is a wall of hurt and pain. I cannot escape. No matter what I do, where I go, it is there. It’s bad enough that I have to live without
Paul forever, but how long will I hurt like this? Pain is such an incredible burden.
I cleaned out the coat
closet today. It was a horrid mess. It’s one that was added after-the-fact,
underneath the steps. So it’s not really
big enough. Paul’s coats were all in
there. I threw away a couple of
them. Will asked to hang onto Paul’s
good winter coat and his camo hoodie is still hanging on a hook. Will has claimed that, as well. Although, today I snuggled into it to run out
to the mailbox. I could almost imagine
that I felt Paul’s arms around me once again.
Hanging on a nail in the closet are Paul’s John Deere stocking hat and
his good winter gloves (these were his grandfather’s gloves – after his death
in ’03, Paul’s grandma gave them to him and he had worn them every Sunday
since). I couldn’t bring myself to do
anything with them, so they’re still hanging.
They’re going to collect dust, but I’m hoping just the sight of them
will make me smile whenever I open the closet.
Someday, I’ll pack them away, but not now.
 |
| Yes, that is Sam, sticking his tongue out...rotten kid! |
Sunday night our church
had an adoption celebration for the girls.
It was perfect. I was initially
approached about the idea of having a “shower” for the girls, but the idea made
me uncomfortable. I just feel like our
church has done so much and given so much to us this year. I am reluctant to “take” any more from these
wonderful people. Besides – the girls
have all they need, possessions-wise. So
we just had a fingerfood fellowship.
Friends made cupcakes and there were balloons and even a few small
gifts. I think my kids thought the best
part was that we got to go first in the food line! J It was a
sweet time of fellowship and way to officially welcome Lizzie and Ellie as
Heywoods at last.
A few days later, Lizzie
was talking about the party. She asked
me, “Does this mean that now Ellie and me are part of the church family?” Oh, I just melted…the truth was, those little
girls became part of that family long before they ever arrived. On a Wed. night, two years ago, Paul stood up
and announced our intentions and hopes of adopting. I wasn’t in the auditorium when he did that
and found out he had done this when people started approaching me later with
questions! From that night, our church
family was praying for us. When the
girls finally did arrive, they were embraced with open arms and hearts. They are definitely part of our
church family!
They’re blessed, as are
their big brothers, and their mama.
.
