Day 129
My drippy-nosed kids have
shared their germs with me. Ugh – why do
they have to be so generous?!
Paul’s stone is set up
now. Yesterday morning I had gone
upstairs to get clothes for the Littles. When I came down my phone was chiming to let
me know I had a voice mail. I listened
to it and discovered it was from the monument company. I was so excited! I whipped the towel off my head, grabbed my
camera, and threw on my jacket. Lizzie
looked at my hair and exclaimed, “Mom!
You can’t go out of the house looking like that!” I was reminded when, a couple of days after
Paul’s death, the grave diggers called me and asked me to meet them up at the cemetery. The plot I had just bought a day earlier was
not going to work since there was a dirt pile on top of it and I had to approve
a different spot to bury Paul. As I
recall, I had a wet head then, too!
But, oh, it is even more
beautiful than I imagined. They did it
perfectly. All our names are on there,
they’ve got “Heywood” shaded in black so it stands out, our picture on the
stone turned out well – just beautiful!
I love it! I remember all that
angst I experienced in July when I was trying to decide what kind of stone to
get – single or double. I’m so glad I
went with the double. This way we’ll be
memorialized together, forever, no matter what ends up happening in the rest of
my life.
David commented to me that
I used to take care of Dad. Since I can’t
do that now, the next best thing is to take care of his grave. Now that we have the stone, I feel like I can
do that. David put his cross back up
there along with his picture of the two of them at the football game in
April. I spent quite a bit of time
walking around the cemetery yesterday, which is something I really had not done
yet. Some people have actual little
gardens with their stones, complete with garden fencing and all kinds of knick
knacks – even bushes and trees they’ve planted.
I know some cemeteries are quite picky about what one is allowed to use
for decorations. I guess one of the
perks of living in a small town is that nobody really cares what you do. One young man who died had his daughter’s
baby shoe sitting on the edge of his stone (along with a beer can – actually,
several stones featured beer cans as part of their decorations! L ) I think I am going to bring up one of Paul’s
tractors. Even if the worst happened and
it got stolen, he’s got plenty more!
Of course, some graves
have no decorations. But I don’t know
that that is a bad thing. Perhaps it
just means that everyone who used to miss them is now dead themselves. That’s ok, too. Immortality is overrated.
Sam used the word “huge-normous”
this week in talking about something.
Cute!
This morning he and his
brothers went to the men’s breakfast at church.
Sam was surprised when he found out he was going to this. He said, “Oh, I thought you had to have a dad
to go!” …sniff…
I finished up my thank you
notes this last week. It only took 4
months! Now I’m good until somebody else
does something nice for us!
Today Will and I were
talking about the bathroom/bedroom project which will commence sometime after
the first of the year, probably. He was
more understanding of Paul’s plans for this than I was. I didn’t realize Paul had planned for our
room to be so big or so nice. I will be
happy to have this haven – a place of quiet away from the kids. But it makes me sad, too. Paul and I would have enjoyed that room so
much! Our last house had a nice, long bedroom
that I know Paul really liked. In fact,
the very first project on that house was redesigning that room a bit. He was going to do something even grander for
this bedroom. We’ve been sleeping for 9
yrs in a teeny bedroom that’s really too little for a queen bed – and two
dressers - so the change would have been
really welcomed by both of us. I’ll have
it now – sooner than I would have on Paul’s schedule - and I’ll appreciate it, but it just won’t be
with quite the level of pleasure I would have had. Sigh…
But the men are planning
to start ripping up my upstairs in about a month. They’re going to knock out the dividing wall
between the living room and back room and take down that awful panel board that
is still on two walls in the living room.
They’re going to re-do the floor in the back room. I may have it all done by Christmas, which
would be wonderful! Maybe I need to
start looking at carpet samples now!
Last night I took the kids
to a football game, my first of the season.
Actually, it will be the only one of the season. Before it started, Ellie suddenly pointed and
cried out, “Daddy! Daddy!” I looked and
she was pointing at a middle-aged bearded and bald guy with a stomach
pouch. No wonder she thought it was her
dad! That caused a pang, let me tell
you! I wished so much in that moment
that that was Paul. So often he
would meet me at the games, anyway, with his work schedule. It would have been wonderful if that’s what
he was doing last night.
During the game I found
myself still watching for #7 on the field.
No matter that my #7 was sitting on the bleacher in front of me, holding
his squirmy sister! All those years of
watching Will play have firmly etched my brain.
Since I never did learn how football is actually played, I was content
to watch only Will. It was Senior Night,
when the senior players are introduced and walk across the field with their
parents. I was immediately transported
to a year ago. A year ago, though, it
wasn’t 65 degrees like it was last night.
It was cold! Paul and I
were bundled up in our long johns and winter coats and hats and gloves – and still
froze!
But life was good then. A year later, I’m trying to find a new “good.” Not quite there yet…
I think I’ve figured out
plans for my anniversary in 4 months. I
know, I know, I know that I do not want to be home that day, moping
around and remembering what the day should have been. We’re going to go to Minneapolis
Since we’re going to do
this and I’m also planning a summer vacation next year, we’re not going to go
out of town for Paul’s birthday like I had originally planned. We’ll do something special that day – a family-type
day probably involving fried chicken (Paul’s favorite), though.
Of course, all this will
be weather-dependent. Winter-time can
get dicey when it comes to travel. I
have some scary moments of our anniversary trip last year that attests to that! Planning this gives the kids and I something
to look forward to, though. And right
now, having something to anticipate is a really, really good thing.
Having a memorial stone to go to is a comfort that is difficult to describe.
ReplyDeleteSo thankful the sone is finally in! HUGS
I remember one day my middle man thought he saw his dad.
It looked similar: glasses, full beard, was too short though, but he was wearing coveralls like Jim had. It was another heartbreaking moment.
He cried Daddy!! Then cried why you walking away? Daddy!!
Then I had to tell him it wasn't his daddy...............of how the tears flowed.
But we survived, by the grace of God, and he is doing well.
Hugs to you as you walk through these moments.