Day 147

DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW

October 30, 2013

 

Day 147

 

It’s raining.  I don’t mind rain in the fall, actually – it’s kind of cozy, a foretaste of darker and colder days to come.  I do mind getting poured on running to my van when the skies decide to open up as I am leaving the dentist.  That wasn’t fun! 

 

Fortunately, the dentist visit went fine – no cavities.  In fact, the hygienist said my teeth have never looked better.  That’s odd because my flossing has been more “miss” than “hit” since Paul’s death.  Maybe it’s just another one of God’s graces during this time.  Or, it could be like last spring, when I had a good dental visit and then two weeks later developed agonizing jaw pain (over the weekend, of course!).  I remember that Sunday vacillating between sticking it out until Mon. when I could get into the dentist or going to Urgent Care in case it was an infected ear.  Paul convinced me to wait and he was right – it was my tooth.  A nerve had suddenly gone bad.  I ended up getting the tooth surgically removed right there in the chair.  The dentist wanted to send me to a surgeon but I begged him (well, as much as I could beg with a mouth full of Novocain) to just take care of it instead.  He did, but had to take it out in pieces.  Agony.  I couldn’t talk for a week because my tongue was so mangled after that.  But that night Paul brought home a “Get Well Soon” balloon and that made all the difference – just cheered me up immensely.

 

So hopefully, I won’t be going back to the dentist for six more months, anyway!  They all knew what had happened.  I think half the people in that town are related anyway.  The staff was really sympathetic to me.  I commented to my hygienist that Will had decided to delay college by a year because of Paul’s death and she said, “Oh yes – I had heard that!”  Small town living…

 

Actually, we have really benefitted from that.  I wrote this on Facebook the other day, so I won’t be-labor it, but Sunday, Will’s former football coached showed up at our house.  He handed us a check and a couple of football posters, explaining that the team had felt so bad when Paul died that they had decided to have these posters made up, sold them around Pleasantville, and gave us the proceeds.  I was completely flabbergasted!  It isn’t even like Will is still part of the team – he’s graduated.  And he was homeschooled, to boot, so he wasn’t at the school all the time.  But they cared enough about us to do it anyway.  God is so good to us.

 

The other day I asked Will if he thought I was doing a “good job” with this whole widowhood/single parenting thing.  I just don’t know.  Most days I feel like I am merely existing and I wonder if there is more I should be doing in order to do it “right” (as if there is a checklist for proper grieving!).  Will shrugged and said, “I don’t know – I guess so.”  Yes, well…not so reassuring there!  I guess I’ll have to look for my accolades elsewhere!  I want to do it right, whatever “right” is.

 

Sara and the girls came down Friday.  She even brought stuff for a little “party” to celebrate the girls’ adoption.  And she brought us another care package, stuffed full of goodies.  She has certainly endeared herself to the kids with those things!  Then we went out to Jordan Creek, of course, six kids between us.  I wanted to find a new winter dress.  I didn’t have much luck at first but I finally found one towards the end of evening.  I had a $50 coupon which would actually make it somewhat affordable.  But the coupon wouldn’t work for the dress (I hate Younkers coupons).  But the clerk smiled at me, opened her drawer, and said, “Here - let’s try this one” and scanned a different coupon.  It worked.  I got my discount, thankfully!

 

I met up with Sara later and showed her my purchase.  She dutifully admired it and then asked, “Is the first one you’ve bought since Paul?”  It was.  He always liked me to dress up.  And now he will never see me in this dress.  When I got home I showed it to Will and David.  I should have known better than to try to get their attention during the high school football wrap-up after the news.  Will grunted, “Why do you think you need a new dress?”  David, always more diplomatic, responded, “Um, it’s nice, I guess” and immediately turned his attention back to the tv.  Sigh…I’m just never going to get from them what I got from their dad.

 

Seriously, though, this all is a reminder to me that my emotional needs have to be met in God, now.  I looked to Paul for so much of that and the way that he viewed me was largely how I viewed myself.  It’s a whole new dynamic now, but I need to find my worth and value in God and not rely on my kids to make me feel good about myself.  Because we know that's not going to happen!

 

Today, Will and I are working on the basement.  Last night he and David stayed up until midnight putting up the rest of the panel board.  We decided to cover up the cheap stuff Paul had bought with some nicer board (Will’s idea – he’s going for “man cave” look down there).  It really looks nice.  Now we’re just trying to figure out how to arrange everything down there.  Our neighbor called, needing Will to come put a kitchen drawer together for her, so he’s doing that at the moment and I am typing.  It’s progress and I am grateful.

 

Of course, David is tired from staying up late last night and has been having mini meltdowns all day long about how we make him work all the time and he is so under-appreciated, and how the Littles won’t obey them and he can’t “escape” them (even in his dreams, he says).  Not quite sure what to do about that kid…I reason with him, praise him, but nothing seems to last very long.  Maybe he just needs to turn 15!

 

Better scoot – lots to do, as usual.  Tomorrow Lizzie turns 5 and Sat. Will will be 19.  He’s having some friends over that night for pizza and a bonfire.  That’s part of his motivation for getting the basement done this week.  But he’s excited – Hawkeye football on tv in the afternoon and his friends that night.  It will also be his first birthday without Paul.

 

He is of course, “in a better place!” as the dental hygienist chirped to me today.  I told her, yes, that was true, but I would have preferred that he remained with me, just the same. I suppose my honesty isn't always appreciated.  All right – I’m going to wrap this up before I get too depressed!