Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Tough Times

I am typing today with a very drugged up brain, so don't count any misspellings, fragmented sentences or points that lead to nowhere against me! I have come down with a horrible head cold. I have not been sick like this in a couple of years, since before I started taking massive doses of Vit. D. I don't know what happened, but that Vit. D didn't stop this barrage of particular cold germs. My head is so stuffy, my body aches, I'm feverish, my nose won't quit running - argh! So miserable! I just hope I'm better by Friday when we go to the marriage retreat.

Well, as you can see in the above picture, we did finally get some snow. It wasn't the snow I finished up my last blog writing about. That snow turned out to e very short lived. But finally, last Sat, an entire week later, we got a good snow. Unfortunately, a lot of it is already gone. It was really wet and heavy - just made a mess. But there was enough for Paul and the boys to make this giant snowman. That's our neighbor boy in the picture, as well. Ben didn't participate in this. He saw the wisdom in remaining indoors and playing video games!

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've had in a long time - mostly just emotionally. Maybe that's how I ended up getting sick! I do know there is a powerful mind-body connection. Paul is hardly working at all these days, which is extremely stressful. This is the mildest winter we've had in a long, long time - well, since Paul started working a job that is weather-dependent. He's been discouraged, and as keeper of the books - I've been downright panicky. If nothing else, we've decided that we just have to be setting more money aside throughout rest of the year to be carrying us through these times. Paul has been calling people he knows to see if they have any work he can do. I'm proud of him. I know that's not easy. This afternoon he is actually meeting up with a guy he used to do side work for about 5 years. The guy, who has his own handyman service, had used Paul a time or two back in 05 and 06. And then I don't know what happened - he just didn't have work for him, I guess. Well, today Paul was going through the Craig's List wanted ads and this guy was advertising for someone. So he called him and the guy was pleased to hear from him (we think). Paul's meeting up with him this afternoon to fill out some paperwork. So, hopefully, that will lead to something. And then he saw another CL ad looking for someone to put in about 5 hours a week at an apartment complex in W. Des Moines, so who knows - maybe that will pan out.

I've come to realize over the past few days, though, that I have a really, really hard time trusting Paul or God. And that baffles me, because neither one has ever done anything to really let me down. So where does the mistrust come from? Does it mean that I am trusting in my own resources and relying on myself? That, having to depend on others is an anathema to me? Ugh. I suspect God is trying to teach me something here and the learning part may end up being a bit painful. I'm also coming to the uncomfortable realization that I have a real problem with pride. I just wish I were already perfect! And that everybody around me was, too!

I had a routine mammogram - my first - last Wed. The next day they called me back, telling me they had found something "suspicious" and wanted me to come in immediately for another one. I went in Friday morning for an ultrasound of my left breast. The dr. came in and told me that I have a nodule behind my nipple. He said he doesn't think it is cancerous. He went on to say that I can do whatever I want with it - have it reexamined in 3 months, have a biopsy done, or have the whole thing removed. So that has my mind in a bit of upset, too. I have only one relative who ever died of cancer, so I doubt breast cancer is in my future. But you never know. Plenty of women get it without the family history, too.

Then, Sunday morning, my gynecologist called while I was in Sunday School. I missed her call. She left a message saying, "We need to talk." Well, that was a little unnerving, to have her call on a Sunday and to leave that kind of message. She still has not called me back and now it's Tuesday afternoon. I must not be on the verge of having cancer cells exploding all over my body, otherwise she would have called again. The idea of having another surgery really doesn't thrill me.

But, still...I have lost two friends to breast cancer in the past 3 years. Sunday we had a missionary speaker for both services. He and his wife are younger than we are by a couple of years. And the wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer. The wife of another missionary affiliated with our church had a double mastectomy last summer and is going through chemo right now. Do I really want to leave something inside my body that might potentially lead to cancer down the road? Not really. I want to hear what Dr. Morgan says. So, hopefully, she'll call me back today!

So, I've had a lot going on mentally, as you can see. I'll get to the rest of my chattering in future posts. Right now I need to get the boys working on their valentines.

But here's a thought...if I HAD to have a mastectomy at some point, I bet I'd get better boobs. They wouldn't be the saggy, sorry-looking orbs I'm carting around right now. And even if I just have this nodule removed, what do you suppose my chances are of convincing my dr. to do a little nipping and tucking while she's at it?

Yeah, that's kind of what I figured, too...

1 comment:

  1. Oh Sarah-honey just let us know. The spot is probably nothing! but better to be PROACTIVE! Actually, a friend of mine did get perkier breats postcancer treatment-GREAT for you to look for a funny/brighter side:)
    The TRUST issue-I deal with that A LOT with Cannon's mental illness & Asperger's and money issues!!! It makes me realize how very little actively TRUST!! Makes me sad. We are all learning, but oh so HARD... hang in there kiddo!