Other than the sounds of Baby's babblings, it's quiet in my house. The teenagers are up at FaithFest today, Little Miss is napping, and Sam and his dad went over to the neighbor's to do some work. I'm trying to get everything checked off my to-do list, as well as write a monologue. A year or more ago a friend at church approached me about writing a Christmas monologue for her to perform at this year's Christmas Eve service (that we won't even be attending). I said sure and promptly forgot about it. She reminded me at the beginning of summer and I kept it in the back of my mind. She needs it by October, which is in, oh, one week, so I'm trying really, really hard to be creative today! Actually, I have the story in my mind. Ten days ago I had nothing and then I prayed for a story. One has slowly developed since then. But I write better when I have chunks of time and silence. Unfortunately, both are in very short supply these days.
I think I may have to account for the last 3 weeks in bullet points. It's just been crazy, which is why I haven't been blogging - not enough time. Honestly, it's probably going to be January before I can really slow down again.
So, here's my quick, updating points:
* Life is getting sweeter with Little Miss. I went out of town overnight and both she and Baby were all over me when I came back. I asked Sam if he had a hug for me, but he said, "no" and walked away. Sigh...But I got lots of loving from the girls. The next week Little Miss was an angel and very, very cuddly. This week I saw more of the familiar vinegar in her personality, but that may always be there. It may just be who she is. That's ok. Not everyone is all sweetness and light!
* I went to Ladies Retreat a couple of weekends ago. Our speaker was tremendous. She is president of an organization that rescues women from human trafficking. I honestly had no idea of the scope of the problem until listening to her. Wow, oh, wow. Her Bible teaching was wonderful too. I'm still going through all my notes.
* Will played his first post-concussion game last night. Every time he went down, I was muttering, "Watch the head, watch the head!" He was fine. In fact, all night long, I kept hearing the announcer say, "And helping with the tackle, #7 - Will Heywood!" He said his upper arms are awfully sore today. I can imagine.
* David finished up a watercolor painting this week in his Art class that he gave to me. On the back he wrote, "Thank you for always being their for me." The grammarian inside of me is totally groaning. He also added, "You are a great butterfly!" (his picture has a butterfly in it). I'm really not sure what it means to be a "great butterfly" but I'm going to choose to take that in the vein in which it was offered and assume it means something really good, not, "I think you're a worm with wings." I may frame his picture.
* Sara and family visited last week for an afternoon and evening. They were anxious to meet the girls and I had not seen Baby Allison since her birth. She's 6 months now and a chunk. She's been crawling for a month and is already pulling herself up to stand. I have never heard of a baby doing those things that early before.
* We had our visit with our licensing renewal person this week. I feverishly cleaned and cleaned my house since she told me she'd be doing a walk-through. She never went past my kitchen table after coming in the back door. All that work! Oh, well - it's not like we can't appreciate a clean house, too. She'll be back again next month and I'm sure I will clean like a madwoman again. If I don't, I know she'll definitely want to do the walk-through then!
* Will gets his senior pictures taken next Sat. It was literally the only time we could make work between our schedule and that of the photographer, who is a college student. It sure had better not be raining...
* Sam's 5th birthday is a month from today. He is SO excited. For months now he has been flipping the calendar to October and gazing longingly at day number 22. This week he complained to me that his birthday was still so far away and he didn't think that was quite fair.
* Work on the basement is continuing to progress. One wall is completely finished already.
*No word yet from the court. One night this week I felt strongly as though I should pray about the judge's decision. I almost woke Paul to suggest he do the same, but convinced myself not to because it was probably just my anxieties at play, more than anything. But I prayed for quite some time. I mentioned that to my friend who is waiting for the ok to make the girls' bio brother her forever son and she said that she had had the same feeling Wed. night and had been praying as well. I found that exciting and would not be a bit surprised to learn that that was the night that the judge pondered our case.
*This week I have: 1) attempting to get the city's annual street report submitted (a very arduous and head-banging type of job) 2) night out with Melissa 3) first mammogram since surgery - not looking forward to this since that boob is still tender from last March's surgery 4) Homecoming parade and auction of senior jerseys (I'm hoping someone else will bid for Will's because I sure don't want to spend more than $20 on his jersey, but yet I don't want him to suffer the embarrassment of not having anyone want his jersey. He said one senior's jersey went for more than $400 last year. Yeah - not happening. Besides, embarrassment is a character strengthener, right?) 5) Friday night's homecoming game 6) senior pics
I also need to put together a 1950s outfit for Ben for one of his Spirit days at school. I thought about wrapping a cigarette package in a white t-shirt for him, but I'm guessing that in this day and age of zero tolerance for anything, the school might frown on that. Maybe I can slick his curly hair back into a James Dean do, though, and roll up the cuffs on some jeans. Wonder what guys wore for shoes back then? Hopefully, blue Skechers tennies...
Oh, and one nice thing...allergy season is drawing to a close! It's getting colder and colder these days. One of these nights we're going to have a hard freeze and good-bye sneezing and waking up in the middle of the night to fumble for a little yellow pill so I can breathe and get back to sleep. Actually, this year has probably been the best ever allergy-wise for both Ben and me. That dr. we're seeing is really helping, I think.
I tried to buy the girls slips today since it's going to be chilly tomorrow. I didn't want them freezing under their dresses. I just checked at Walmart but they didn't have any. So I bought them tights instead. I got home and did some internet browsing. When I was a kid I wore slips under every dress I owned. As an adult, I only do it when I'm wearing something sheer or clingy. But I'm thinking they would be helpful for warmth, too. But it was hard to find them! I finally found some on Amazon and ordered them. But it took some searching. I guess maybe little girls don't wear them anymore like they did when I was little.
Ok, back to being creative. I have a deadline!
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Monday, September 3, 2012
Laboring, Injuring, Shopping, and Losing
It's Labor Day and I am...laboring. I've got a to-do list a mile long. Writing on my blog was at the top of my list!
It's fall. I remember last year thinking if I survived fall, it would be a miracle. I was so overwhelmed with all our normal fall activities, plus I had a bucket load of things to do in preparation for starting our PS-MAPP classes that Oct. I'm thinking the same thing about this fall, even though we don't have classes to take. We are needing to go through the renewal process for our license, though, so there will be a certain amount of work that needs to be done for that.
And in the fall is --football season! Will has had two games so far and I have really enjoyed them. He is playing the entire game and he is really good! It was amazing to me at the first game when he trotted out onto the field and I realized that he's one of the "big" guys now! All those other years he had teammates that were a good head or more taller than him and suddenly, Will is the one towering over his teammates. I'm trying not to be sniffly about this being his last season. Next year he'll be onto bigger and better things, but there's just something about that senior year...
Right now, though, Will is out of commission. He ended up getting a concussion in the last play of Friday's game. And we missed it - we are such bad parents! They were losing pretty bad and were down to the last minute of the game. There was no hope. We had 5 kids we needed to get to bed so we went ahead and folded up our chairs and headed back to the van. Unbeknownst to us, Will had just been tackled, stumbled over to the sidelines, and couldn't talk when he coaches asked him if he needed to sit down. We got the phone call just as we pulled into our driveway. I hurried back to the school and Will sat on a chair, glassy-eyed, dazed, and with absolutely no memory of being hit. A couple of his coaches were there and explained to me the concussion policy (5 days of being symptom-free, plus a doctor's written release). The principal came up to me and put his arm on my shoulder - such a nice guy. He strongly encouraged me to take Will to the ER, so I did.
I took him up to Blank because I am not real confident in Knoxville's ER. Will just out of it the whole time. We got into triage and the nurse was checking his vitals. She took his blood pressure. I saw her look at the screen, and then look again. Then she quickly left the room and returned with a wheelchair. She asked me to unhook Will from his cuff, sat him the chair, burst through the ER doors, and hollered, "I need a room, NOW!" I didn't know what was going on as I trailed behind. The next thing I know, a bunch of people are bustling around Will as they lay him down and getting an iv ready. What had happened was that his blood pressure had plummeted and the nurse thought he was about to faint. But then once they got him laying down the blood pressure came back up and they didn't have to put the iv in after all. Whew!
Will definitely got a good concussion. The dr. told me that this time of year, they refer to Friday nights in the ER as "Football Friday Nights" because of all the injured players they treat. We didn't get home until almost 2am. While I had been at the game, I was so tired from my busy day and my allergy pills and had been thinking that I couldn't wait to go to bed! That plan obviously got delayed.
So, Will spent the weekend popping Tylenol, sleeping, and watching football on the tv. He's doing better but he says that it still feels like his brain and body are disconnected. Paul mentioned to his mom last night that Will had gotten a concussion. The next thing we knew his dad called and demanded that we pull Will from football. Paul just ignored him, but laughed and told Will, "Your grandpa says you have to quit football!" Give me a break...
That wasn't our only ER trip this weekend. Early Sat. evening I was in the kitchen and Ben stumbled in from outdoors, dripping blood from his chin, and asking for a band-aid. He had fallen and smashed his chin on the swimming pool pump. I looked at his chin and realized he was going to need more than a band-aid. So, off to the ER we went. This time I did go to Knoxville. I don't know if I should have, but it is closer and Ben wasn't in any danger of dying, so that's what I did. I wasn't even sure if they would stitch him, but the wound did look kind of deep. We were there a long time, too, because they were busy. They're never busy! But I guess a lot of people were out having fun on Labor Day weekend and got hurt. As it turned out, they said they couldn't stitch Ben's chin because he had torn off a triangle section of skin in the middle and there was now nothing to stitch to. If it had not been for that, they said they definitely would have given him a stitch or two. So, two band-aids later, we were on our way home. I could have done that at home! Hopefully, that's the end of our hospital visits for awhile!
Paul started digging out the basement last Wed. It's actually gone very well. Poor guy - he struggled around Will's school schedule last week,only having him help in the mornings. He was really counting on having Will's help over the weekend. But then Will's noggin got knocked and that was the end of that. But he's got it all dug out now, a beam stuck through so the house doesn't collapse, and is about to pour footings. Next week he hopes to be laying blocks. I'm trying to close my eyes to the mess. I have no front porch anymore and half my deck has been dismantled. I HATE remodeling/adding on with a passion. A big passion.
I bought a new vacuum last week. Our thousand dollar lifetime guarantee Tri-star died and we found out the lifetime guarantee wasn't all that much of a guarantee anyway. I never cared for it anyway. It was a canister vacuum and way too heavy. So, upon recommendations from my Facebook friends, I bought a Shark Lift-Away. I love this thing! The suction is amazing, it only weighs 12 lbs, and it cost under $200! The best thing, I think is, and I didn't realize this until after I bought it, is that I can use it in place of a broom. It works just as well on hard surfaces as it does on carpet.
I went jean shopping Sat. I had to take the girls, but they were amazingly well-behaved. Shopping for blue jeans is about as much fun as shopping for bras - blech. I don't like jeans that bunch up at the ankles because they are too long, I don't want to pay $100 for a pair of jeans, I wanted to find something that had interesting pockets to add visual width (I have a very flat butt), and they needed to suck in my tummy, sit near my waist (without giving me a muffin top), and not be skinny jeans! That's not too much to ask, is it? I have lost so much weight since spring that my jeans from last year won't fit anymore. I had a really good Younkers coupon so I went there and I ended up buying there, even though I did check out Kohls and Penneys, too. I found what I wanted right away, which was amazing. But they were a little long. So, after thinking long and hard, I decided to have them tailored (for an additional $40 - ugh). I guess if I have two pairs of jeans that fit well and are everything I wanted then it will be worth it, considering that's all I wear from Oct. through April. I just hope I don't lose any more weight, otherwise I may have to get them tailored around the waist, too!
Speaking of weight loss - I had a dream last night that my scale was broken. I had not actually lost a pound but only thought I had because of the scale. Awful! Those of you that know me know my weight has gone up and down since Sam's birth. It's actually annoying because it requires buying two sizes of clothing because ill-fitting clothing drives me nuts. I suspect my loss this time comes from stopping my migraine medication and just the stress of this summer. I am a bit shocked that I have lost 16 lbs, though, because I am not exercising and I am eating all the same junk I normally do. I don't like how my bones stick out on my chest though - I think I look emaciated. I do like the loss of weight around my middle and in my face though - nothing like having a double chin to ruin a good picture! Now if I could just do something about my upper arms...
I'm off to Ladies Retreat this weekend. It's been 3 years since I last went, so I am really looking forward to this trip. Actually, I'd probably be happy to go sit in a damp, dark cell if it meant there was nobody calling me, "Mom" or asking for something for two whole days...
It's fall. I remember last year thinking if I survived fall, it would be a miracle. I was so overwhelmed with all our normal fall activities, plus I had a bucket load of things to do in preparation for starting our PS-MAPP classes that Oct. I'm thinking the same thing about this fall, even though we don't have classes to take. We are needing to go through the renewal process for our license, though, so there will be a certain amount of work that needs to be done for that.
And in the fall is --football season! Will has had two games so far and I have really enjoyed them. He is playing the entire game and he is really good! It was amazing to me at the first game when he trotted out onto the field and I realized that he's one of the "big" guys now! All those other years he had teammates that were a good head or more taller than him and suddenly, Will is the one towering over his teammates. I'm trying not to be sniffly about this being his last season. Next year he'll be onto bigger and better things, but there's just something about that senior year...
Right now, though, Will is out of commission. He ended up getting a concussion in the last play of Friday's game. And we missed it - we are such bad parents! They were losing pretty bad and were down to the last minute of the game. There was no hope. We had 5 kids we needed to get to bed so we went ahead and folded up our chairs and headed back to the van. Unbeknownst to us, Will had just been tackled, stumbled over to the sidelines, and couldn't talk when he coaches asked him if he needed to sit down. We got the phone call just as we pulled into our driveway. I hurried back to the school and Will sat on a chair, glassy-eyed, dazed, and with absolutely no memory of being hit. A couple of his coaches were there and explained to me the concussion policy (5 days of being symptom-free, plus a doctor's written release). The principal came up to me and put his arm on my shoulder - such a nice guy. He strongly encouraged me to take Will to the ER, so I did.
I took him up to Blank because I am not real confident in Knoxville's ER. Will just out of it the whole time. We got into triage and the nurse was checking his vitals. She took his blood pressure. I saw her look at the screen, and then look again. Then she quickly left the room and returned with a wheelchair. She asked me to unhook Will from his cuff, sat him the chair, burst through the ER doors, and hollered, "I need a room, NOW!" I didn't know what was going on as I trailed behind. The next thing I know, a bunch of people are bustling around Will as they lay him down and getting an iv ready. What had happened was that his blood pressure had plummeted and the nurse thought he was about to faint. But then once they got him laying down the blood pressure came back up and they didn't have to put the iv in after all. Whew!
Will definitely got a good concussion. The dr. told me that this time of year, they refer to Friday nights in the ER as "Football Friday Nights" because of all the injured players they treat. We didn't get home until almost 2am. While I had been at the game, I was so tired from my busy day and my allergy pills and had been thinking that I couldn't wait to go to bed! That plan obviously got delayed.
So, Will spent the weekend popping Tylenol, sleeping, and watching football on the tv. He's doing better but he says that it still feels like his brain and body are disconnected. Paul mentioned to his mom last night that Will had gotten a concussion. The next thing we knew his dad called and demanded that we pull Will from football. Paul just ignored him, but laughed and told Will, "Your grandpa says you have to quit football!" Give me a break...
That wasn't our only ER trip this weekend. Early Sat. evening I was in the kitchen and Ben stumbled in from outdoors, dripping blood from his chin, and asking for a band-aid. He had fallen and smashed his chin on the swimming pool pump. I looked at his chin and realized he was going to need more than a band-aid. So, off to the ER we went. This time I did go to Knoxville. I don't know if I should have, but it is closer and Ben wasn't in any danger of dying, so that's what I did. I wasn't even sure if they would stitch him, but the wound did look kind of deep. We were there a long time, too, because they were busy. They're never busy! But I guess a lot of people were out having fun on Labor Day weekend and got hurt. As it turned out, they said they couldn't stitch Ben's chin because he had torn off a triangle section of skin in the middle and there was now nothing to stitch to. If it had not been for that, they said they definitely would have given him a stitch or two. So, two band-aids later, we were on our way home. I could have done that at home! Hopefully, that's the end of our hospital visits for awhile!
Paul started digging out the basement last Wed. It's actually gone very well. Poor guy - he struggled around Will's school schedule last week,only having him help in the mornings. He was really counting on having Will's help over the weekend. But then Will's noggin got knocked and that was the end of that. But he's got it all dug out now, a beam stuck through so the house doesn't collapse, and is about to pour footings. Next week he hopes to be laying blocks. I'm trying to close my eyes to the mess. I have no front porch anymore and half my deck has been dismantled. I HATE remodeling/adding on with a passion. A big passion.
I bought a new vacuum last week. Our thousand dollar lifetime guarantee Tri-star died and we found out the lifetime guarantee wasn't all that much of a guarantee anyway. I never cared for it anyway. It was a canister vacuum and way too heavy. So, upon recommendations from my Facebook friends, I bought a Shark Lift-Away. I love this thing! The suction is amazing, it only weighs 12 lbs, and it cost under $200! The best thing, I think is, and I didn't realize this until after I bought it, is that I can use it in place of a broom. It works just as well on hard surfaces as it does on carpet.
I went jean shopping Sat. I had to take the girls, but they were amazingly well-behaved. Shopping for blue jeans is about as much fun as shopping for bras - blech. I don't like jeans that bunch up at the ankles because they are too long, I don't want to pay $100 for a pair of jeans, I wanted to find something that had interesting pockets to add visual width (I have a very flat butt), and they needed to suck in my tummy, sit near my waist (without giving me a muffin top), and not be skinny jeans! That's not too much to ask, is it? I have lost so much weight since spring that my jeans from last year won't fit anymore. I had a really good Younkers coupon so I went there and I ended up buying there, even though I did check out Kohls and Penneys, too. I found what I wanted right away, which was amazing. But they were a little long. So, after thinking long and hard, I decided to have them tailored (for an additional $40 - ugh). I guess if I have two pairs of jeans that fit well and are everything I wanted then it will be worth it, considering that's all I wear from Oct. through April. I just hope I don't lose any more weight, otherwise I may have to get them tailored around the waist, too!
Speaking of weight loss - I had a dream last night that my scale was broken. I had not actually lost a pound but only thought I had because of the scale. Awful! Those of you that know me know my weight has gone up and down since Sam's birth. It's actually annoying because it requires buying two sizes of clothing because ill-fitting clothing drives me nuts. I suspect my loss this time comes from stopping my migraine medication and just the stress of this summer. I am a bit shocked that I have lost 16 lbs, though, because I am not exercising and I am eating all the same junk I normally do. I don't like how my bones stick out on my chest though - I think I look emaciated. I do like the loss of weight around my middle and in my face though - nothing like having a double chin to ruin a good picture! Now if I could just do something about my upper arms...
I'm off to Ladies Retreat this weekend. It's been 3 years since I last went, so I am really looking forward to this trip. Actually, I'd probably be happy to go sit in a damp, dark cell if it meant there was nobody calling me, "Mom" or asking for something for two whole days...
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Tulips in the Snow
I made two trips to the school on Monday, attempting to talk with staff about Ben. He's in high school now, which complicates things a bit. It wasn't until I made a third trip on Tuesday that I was finally able to talk with both his new sp. ed teacher and the science teacher. After running around a bit, I settled Ben's science hour and all was well. Well, then I got a call today from his teacher and the alternative science class I had set up for him isn't going to work after all because of scheduling. Grrr - after all that! But I know Ben is delighted to be back in school. He was so excited on Monday and Tuesday just to be IN the building. He was loping through the halls, peering into classroom windows. I bet he hasn't quit smiling all day today!
I got a call Sat. from one of the mothers of one of Will's football teammates. She realized that I was not receiving emails from the coach, so she managed to track down my phone number through the middle school secretary. One of the emails I missed was to let me know parents are responsible this year for providing the new Thursday night team meals. And I was up for this Thursday night! ARgh! It's not going to be too bad, though. There are actually 4 parents assigned each week. If the parents wish, the restaurant at the Pleasantville Country Club will provide the meal for them, as long as the parents serve it. We decided to do that, which means I have to pay an unbudgeted $50, but I know I would have spent that, anyway, had I purchased food for the players. Oh, and I then contacted the coach and asked to put on the email loop!
Hours have thinned out for Paul, so he's been getting more done around here. He added onto the boys' swing set. He made a platform over the sandbox that the slide attaches to. Last night he added a rope swing. It's really cute! He made some shelves for my kitchen walls. They're designed to look like they are actually part of the cupboards. We've ordered one more base cabinet, which will extend my counter space by 24". We figured that to buy genuine granite counter tops, it will cost $1800. So, I think I'm going to go with something that just looks like granite! Today he is over at our neighbor's, though, working on the van. It is making a funny noise - probably a cv joint, he said. But he's going out of town this Friday and Sat to do a job, so I will be here alone and I'm supposed to drive to Eddyville on Friday night for Will's first game. I'm reluctant to do that unless I know that the van is not going to blow up on me en route! I am really anxious to get my Suburban (I have decided that will be our next vehicle - a 9 passenger one, I am hoping). We're saving the money right now and should have enough by the first of the year to pay cash for a used one, I think. But there is part of me that just wants to go buy one NOW and make payments! We'll do that if we get put in a position where we have to (namely, our van bites the big one) but Paul is more reluctant than I am to go into debt even temporarily. He listens to too much Dave Ramsey.
I took the Littles to the zoo last Monday. I would not have done that except that some friends were in town and asked if I had time to meet with them there. I had not been to the Des Moines zoo since I was pregnant, five years ago. It's still a big rip-off, money-wise. But Sam was so excited - it was fun to watch him.
I had a really neat experience Friday. I got to meet our girls' "other" parents. They were in a really good home for 18 months up until this spring. These people dearly love the girls and are going through the same process we are, only with the girls' biological brother. As a result, we will have reason to be in each other's lives for many years to come. They just had a baby, so I took them a meal. The wife and I have had several long phone conversations and we've exchanged some lengthy emails. They are able to fill in a lot of the gaps that I didn't know yet about the girls' history. This relationship has been such a tremendous blessing to me and a real confirmation that yes, we are in God's will, and that yes, these are the children He chose for us! When things are difficult it's easy to doubt God's call.
An acquaintance put a link on her FB page yesterday to a blog about adoption. The blog is written by Jen Hatmaker, who is, according to the site, an author and speaker, as well as an adoptive mom. Here's the link if you want to read the whole thing: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog.htm
The blog is entitled, "The Truth About Adoption: One Year Later." It's a very, very funny post and you don't even have to be interested in adoption at all to get a kick out of it. I found myself nodding as I read. Even though we did not adopt internationally, as the writer did, adoption is adoption and I could definitely relate to what she wrote. By the end of the post, though, I was fighting tears, because the author was speaking to my doubting, weary heart. I'm going to copy her last few paragraphs because it is just so good. I hope that's legal to do on my blog. I would think as long as I'm giving credit, it's ok. I even had to read this out loud to Paul last night (at 11:00 at night) and found myself tearing up all over again. I actually printed out this entire post so I can re-read it as I need it.
You’ve mothered with your hands and words, and God did the heavy lifting, just like He promised. You don’t have to be a miracle worker; that has always been God’s territory. You just have to be the ordinary disciple who says yes.
Is adoption easy? No it is not. Is this simple? Nope. Complicated and long-term. Will bonding be immediate and seamless? Maybe, but probably not. Will you struggle with guilt and fear that first year? Yes, but you shouldn’t. You’ve agreed to partner with God in some difficult, heart-wrenching work, and it’s no kum-by-yah party. Give grace to yourself; God already has.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through, and adoption is one of them. I can hardly think of something closer to God’s character, who is the “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Certainly, we are his difficult children who spaz out and pull away and manipulate and struggle. We distrust His good love and sabotage our blessings, imagining our shame disqualifies us or that God couldn’t possibly be faithful to such orphans.
But He is. We are loved with an everlasting love, and it is enough to overwhelm our own fear and shame and humanity. In adoption, God is enough for us all. He can overcome our children’s grief. He can overshadow our own inadequacies. He can sweep up our families in a beautiful story of redemption and hope and healing. If you are afraid of adoption, trying to stiff-arm the call, God is the courage you don’t have. If you are waiting, suffering with longing for your child, God is the determination you need. If you are in the early days of chaos, God is the peace you and your child hunger for. If your family feels lost, He is the stability everyone is looking for. If you are working hard on healing, digging deep with your child, God is every ounce of the hope and restoration and safety and grace.
Is adoption easy? No it is not. Is this simple? Nope. Complicated and long-term. Will bonding be immediate and seamless? Maybe, but probably not. Will you struggle with guilt and fear that first year? Yes, but you shouldn’t. You’ve agreed to partner with God in some difficult, heart-wrenching work, and it’s no kum-by-yah party. Give grace to yourself; God already has.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting through, and adoption is one of them. I can hardly think of something closer to God’s character, who is the “Father to the fatherless, defender of widows — this is God, whose dwelling is holy.” Certainly, we are his difficult children who spaz out and pull away and manipulate and struggle. We distrust His good love and sabotage our blessings, imagining our shame disqualifies us or that God couldn’t possibly be faithful to such orphans.
But He is. We are loved with an everlasting love, and it is enough to overwhelm our own fear and shame and humanity. In adoption, God is enough for us all. He can overcome our children’s grief. He can overshadow our own inadequacies. He can sweep up our families in a beautiful story of redemption and hope and healing. If you are afraid of adoption, trying to stiff-arm the call, God is the courage you don’t have. If you are waiting, suffering with longing for your child, God is the determination you need. If you are in the early days of chaos, God is the peace you and your child hunger for. If your family feels lost, He is the stability everyone is looking for. If you are working hard on healing, digging deep with your child, God is every ounce of the hope and restoration and safety and grace.
Isn't that beautiful? I so needed to hear those words! I don't think I have ever been through anything quite so gut-wrenching, difficult, painful, and mind-numbing as I have in this adoption journey we set out on last year. I would probably say that I am decades into this experience if I go back to when God first set the call upon my heart. But realistically, as a couple, we haven't been at this that long. And we've had the girls less time than that - 8 weeks. That's all. Feels like a lifetime, almost, though. I'm finding tulips in the snow, though. You know what I'm talking about - at least if you live around here, you do. Every few years or so we'll have a spring warm-up in February or March. The tulip bulbs start to think, "Hey, Spring has come! I'd better get to sprouting!" And they poke their heads up through the soil. After a few days we realize that the tulips have bloomed and it makes us think that maybe winter isn't going to last forever, after all. And then, a couple of weeks later, the temperatures turn cold again and the weatherman advises, "You'd better bring your plants inside!" Only you can't bring the tulips in because they're planted in the ground. It gets cold again and we have an April snow. It won't last long, but the muddy yard gets covered in a beautiful blanket of white. You look out and you see these brilliant red and yellow blooms contrasted against the white snow. It's so unusual, but so pretty. This summer has been one long winter (as contradictory as that sounds!) But just in the last couple of weeks I'm seeing signs of progress that are as surprising and welcome as tulips in the snow. It's going to work out - not fast, and certainly not with ease, but in the end, it's going to be ok.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Better Days Are Coming...in October
I may be better now, but I'm not going to know until October. I went to a regular MD last Friday for antibiotics, which I got. But they made me sick! So I got new ones on Monday. Tuesday, my allergies started kicking in. So I'm going to be stuffy and miserable until October now. Really? I hope not. I really do. I just want to feel better again. The drugs I have to take are probably taking years off my lifespan and they make me so tired which makes me irritable. Sneezing my head off and dealing with a stuffy head and sore throat also makes me irritable, as does not getting enough sleep the night before, thanks to the stuffy head and sore throat.
Paul commented this week that I have been grouchy ever since we got the girls. He went on to clarify that I have not been real pleasant, actually, for the past 2 - 4 years. At first I was offended, but figured that getting grouchy about that would only prove his point. But I'm baffled as to what life event took place that suddenly turned me into a sourpuss. I really want to change. I absolutely do not want to be a grouchy wife and mom. I understand that right now we are going through a real time of testing as we adjust to being the parents of 6. I am having trouble keeping all the plates spinning, that's for sure!. I'm thinking, though, that being a grump has become my fall-back attitude. That is the last thing I want my kids to take from home as they leave - memories of a grouchy mom. So anyway, I need to do some thinking on this. I suspect that the answer may not be so much in eliminating stress as it is in learning how to gracefully handle said stress.
We went to Adventureland yesterday. It was a nice day for it - not too hot, which would have been miserable. We finally got up there and I got the stroller loaded up with everything we would need. We got the girls in their seats, Paul took a picture of all of us. And then it was the classic, "Do you have the tickets? No, I thought you had the tickets!" Argh! We had to unload everything, load the kids back up, and make another 40 min. round trip to fetch the tickets! So, it was about 1 before we actually got into the park, which was fine with me. My allergies were not being kind and I knew the day would be a test of endurance, anyway. Will joined us mid-afternoon, although it was only due to parental coercion. He had football practice in the AM and would have preferred to stay home and sleep. Although, I couldn't help but notice today that he also had practice, but yet, when he found out a bunch of his friends were headed to the state fair, he suddenly had plenty of energy to head that way himself this afternoon!
We did do the water park, too. I knew with 6 kiddos, it would be more of a challenge. I did meet a white mom with an adopted black daughter over in the splash pad area. She approached me when she figured out who my kids were with. We had a nice conversation. Later, I was able to float down the lazy river with Paul and Baby. That was probably the best part of the whole day! A-Land added a wave pool this year and I did want to try that out. It was kind of fun for a little bit. But then, I was on a tube with Baby on my lap, Paul was on another tube and a wave, or another tube rider crashed into me and I completely flipped over, upside down. I banged my head hard on the bottom of the pool and totally scraped up both knees. All I could think about, though, was baby, because she went down with me. Fortunately, she had a life jacket on and was just as happy as could be! I guess it's not a good idea to take little ones into that wave pool. They allowed them, but it's probably best avoided, I'm thinking. My sunglasses got lost in the water and I was very concerned because they are $300 prescription glasses! Fortunately, Paul was able to find them after awhile. I'm still banged up with a big lump on my head. The worst part was that I got my hair all wet and when my hair gets all wet and dries naturally, it looks horrible. I went to both gift stores, looking for some barrettes or a headband but they didn't sell them. I eventually stole a tiny hairband off B's braids and bought a big one from the gift store (that they did sell) and was able to pull my hair back so it didn't look quite so awful. A little bit later I went on a roller coaster and jammed my big toe against a covered bolt on the floor. It broke my nail and began to bleed. And people wonder why I'm so grouchy...
Last weekend was our trip out west. It went fine. It ended up being the same weekend that Paul's great-niece and nephew moved in with his folks - lots happening! I was able to spend some time with the niece, who is 8 years old. She is a really nice child and very mature for her age. When I did B's hair on Saturday night she asked me to do hers the same way. When I did my shopping this week I swung into a couple of a consignment stores and was able to find some church dresses for Elli. She had grown out of what she had and I figured I probably had a better handle on little girls' clothing than Paul's 70 year old mother does! So I bought the dresses, along with matching hair accessories and mailed them to her this week.
Last Wednesday we inadvertently skipped church. Our plan was to eat at Chick-fil-A and then drive over to church. Had we not had to wait in line for 2 hours and 40 minutes, we might have made it. As it was, we were eating our supper at 8:30 pm! It was the Chick-fil-A appreciation day called for by Mike Huckabee and we definitely wanted to stand with other Christians and voice our support for not only traditional, Biblical marriage, but for freedom of speech. It was SO cool to see the lines wrapped around the inside of the mall. You had the knowledge that you weren't standing in line for supper, but for a much greater cause. I just loved being part of the whole experience! A few days later while shopping with Kathy, I stumbled across a Chick-fil-A shirt at Kohls and had to buy it for Ben (because he needed a first-day-of-school shirt).
Probably not coincidentally, the Des Moines Rag - er, Register - ran a story the following Sunday about a man here in central Iowa. It caught my attention because this man is a foster/adoptive parent. He has sacrificed so much for his four children and the story made tears come to my eyes. But yet, the focus of the story was not on the foster care/adoption part of the story. It was on the fact that this man is gay. It bothered me after reading it and I couldn't put my finger on why I was so bothered until a little bit later. It then that I realized that the story had not been about this man's experiences in parenting as much as it was about his lifestyle choice. If the newspaper truly wanted to write an article about foster care and adoption, there are thousands of Iowa families (well, hundreds, at least) who have touching stories to share about their experiences with foster care and adoption. But, no, they chose to write about a gay man and then used the circumstances of his parenting as a reason for the article, when that was not the reason at all. There was a bigger agenda at play. That's why I was bothered!
I got Ben registered for school today and turned in the other boys' CPI forms for homeschooling. Now, if I could just get their schoolwork figured out for next year! I'm starting to panic, since we need to start in two weeks!
Busy week next week, too, which does not bode well for getting schoolwork figured out. Monday morning, I go to the zoo with some friends who are in town, that afternoon I have an appt. for the girls. Tues. evening I have to attend some mtg at school with Ben. That's when he'll be given his laptop and that's when I have to track down the principal again to inform him that I don't want Ben bringing home his laptop - again. Wednesday is our big court day. Thursday I go to the dentist so I can be scolded about my flossing habits. Friday may actually be free at this point. But I'm not holding my breath.
Pray for me, friends, ok? I really need extra strength these days. I'm feeling very sapped, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, at the same time, I know God does not ask us to do things He will not equip us for. That's a very precious promise and one that I am hedging everything on these days!
Paul commented this week that I have been grouchy ever since we got the girls. He went on to clarify that I have not been real pleasant, actually, for the past 2 - 4 years. At first I was offended, but figured that getting grouchy about that would only prove his point. But I'm baffled as to what life event took place that suddenly turned me into a sourpuss. I really want to change. I absolutely do not want to be a grouchy wife and mom. I understand that right now we are going through a real time of testing as we adjust to being the parents of 6. I am having trouble keeping all the plates spinning, that's for sure!. I'm thinking, though, that being a grump has become my fall-back attitude. That is the last thing I want my kids to take from home as they leave - memories of a grouchy mom. So anyway, I need to do some thinking on this. I suspect that the answer may not be so much in eliminating stress as it is in learning how to gracefully handle said stress.
We went to Adventureland yesterday. It was a nice day for it - not too hot, which would have been miserable. We finally got up there and I got the stroller loaded up with everything we would need. We got the girls in their seats, Paul took a picture of all of us. And then it was the classic, "Do you have the tickets? No, I thought you had the tickets!" Argh! We had to unload everything, load the kids back up, and make another 40 min. round trip to fetch the tickets! So, it was about 1 before we actually got into the park, which was fine with me. My allergies were not being kind and I knew the day would be a test of endurance, anyway. Will joined us mid-afternoon, although it was only due to parental coercion. He had football practice in the AM and would have preferred to stay home and sleep. Although, I couldn't help but notice today that he also had practice, but yet, when he found out a bunch of his friends were headed to the state fair, he suddenly had plenty of energy to head that way himself this afternoon!
We did do the water park, too. I knew with 6 kiddos, it would be more of a challenge. I did meet a white mom with an adopted black daughter over in the splash pad area. She approached me when she figured out who my kids were with. We had a nice conversation. Later, I was able to float down the lazy river with Paul and Baby. That was probably the best part of the whole day! A-Land added a wave pool this year and I did want to try that out. It was kind of fun for a little bit. But then, I was on a tube with Baby on my lap, Paul was on another tube and a wave, or another tube rider crashed into me and I completely flipped over, upside down. I banged my head hard on the bottom of the pool and totally scraped up both knees. All I could think about, though, was baby, because she went down with me. Fortunately, she had a life jacket on and was just as happy as could be! I guess it's not a good idea to take little ones into that wave pool. They allowed them, but it's probably best avoided, I'm thinking. My sunglasses got lost in the water and I was very concerned because they are $300 prescription glasses! Fortunately, Paul was able to find them after awhile. I'm still banged up with a big lump on my head. The worst part was that I got my hair all wet and when my hair gets all wet and dries naturally, it looks horrible. I went to both gift stores, looking for some barrettes or a headband but they didn't sell them. I eventually stole a tiny hairband off B's braids and bought a big one from the gift store (that they did sell) and was able to pull my hair back so it didn't look quite so awful. A little bit later I went on a roller coaster and jammed my big toe against a covered bolt on the floor. It broke my nail and began to bleed. And people wonder why I'm so grouchy...
Last weekend was our trip out west. It went fine. It ended up being the same weekend that Paul's great-niece and nephew moved in with his folks - lots happening! I was able to spend some time with the niece, who is 8 years old. She is a really nice child and very mature for her age. When I did B's hair on Saturday night she asked me to do hers the same way. When I did my shopping this week I swung into a couple of a consignment stores and was able to find some church dresses for Elli. She had grown out of what she had and I figured I probably had a better handle on little girls' clothing than Paul's 70 year old mother does! So I bought the dresses, along with matching hair accessories and mailed them to her this week.
Last Wednesday we inadvertently skipped church. Our plan was to eat at Chick-fil-A and then drive over to church. Had we not had to wait in line for 2 hours and 40 minutes, we might have made it. As it was, we were eating our supper at 8:30 pm! It was the Chick-fil-A appreciation day called for by Mike Huckabee and we definitely wanted to stand with other Christians and voice our support for not only traditional, Biblical marriage, but for freedom of speech. It was SO cool to see the lines wrapped around the inside of the mall. You had the knowledge that you weren't standing in line for supper, but for a much greater cause. I just loved being part of the whole experience! A few days later while shopping with Kathy, I stumbled across a Chick-fil-A shirt at Kohls and had to buy it for Ben (because he needed a first-day-of-school shirt).
Probably not coincidentally, the Des Moines Rag - er, Register - ran a story the following Sunday about a man here in central Iowa. It caught my attention because this man is a foster/adoptive parent. He has sacrificed so much for his four children and the story made tears come to my eyes. But yet, the focus of the story was not on the foster care/adoption part of the story. It was on the fact that this man is gay. It bothered me after reading it and I couldn't put my finger on why I was so bothered until a little bit later. It then that I realized that the story had not been about this man's experiences in parenting as much as it was about his lifestyle choice. If the newspaper truly wanted to write an article about foster care and adoption, there are thousands of Iowa families (well, hundreds, at least) who have touching stories to share about their experiences with foster care and adoption. But, no, they chose to write about a gay man and then used the circumstances of his parenting as a reason for the article, when that was not the reason at all. There was a bigger agenda at play. That's why I was bothered!
I got Ben registered for school today and turned in the other boys' CPI forms for homeschooling. Now, if I could just get their schoolwork figured out for next year! I'm starting to panic, since we need to start in two weeks!
Busy week next week, too, which does not bode well for getting schoolwork figured out. Monday morning, I go to the zoo with some friends who are in town, that afternoon I have an appt. for the girls. Tues. evening I have to attend some mtg at school with Ben. That's when he'll be given his laptop and that's when I have to track down the principal again to inform him that I don't want Ben bringing home his laptop - again. Wednesday is our big court day. Thursday I go to the dentist so I can be scolded about my flossing habits. Friday may actually be free at this point. But I'm not holding my breath.
Pray for me, friends, ok? I really need extra strength these days. I'm feeling very sapped, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, at the same time, I know God does not ask us to do things He will not equip us for. That's a very precious promise and one that I am hedging everything on these days!
Monday, July 30, 2012
Lots of Learning
All my boys are back now. Will had Sr. High camp last week and said it was his best week of camp ever. Now he's attending Football Camp, which is actually different from previous years. Rather than literally camping out at the school, he just attends from 5:30 - 8:30 every night this week. Then next week starts actual football practice. His last year...sniff...
I am glad to have all my chicks in the nest again, though. I took Will in for his sports physical this morning. He's 6'1" now and 170 lbs. Paul is 6 foot and weighs 200.
Guess what I've been learning a lot about? It's called Reactive Attachment Disorder. The child with an attachment disorder lives for power - for protection. Because he survived whatever neglect and abuse was meted out before his removal he views everything in life as a battle. It is imperative that he "win" every encounter. He's also all about protecting his heart. If he's been moved around (and by virtue of being a foster child, he has) he has quickly learned that there is no such as thing as permanence. If he builds a barrier between himself and whoever his caregiver is, then it won't be so hurtful when he is moved again. Sometimes, these children can be reached, but sometimes the damage is so great that the new parents spend the rest of their lives trying to heal the hurt within their child and are unsuccessful. I'm reading a recommended book entitled, "Parenting the Hurt Child." I'm learning a lot. You should ask me sometime why I'm reading this. I bet you can guess. We may have taken on a battle we can never win. But I'm going to do my best - which is all God is asking of me.
It sounds like Paul is definitely going to be a big brother again. His dad called last night and said they found out that they can definitely adopt their great-grandkids, who would be Paul's great niece and nephew. Now, technically and legally, they will be his siblings. I've got some mixed feelings about that whole situation. But then I suppose mixed feelings are always going to be part of the bag when you're dealing with an unnatural situation created by sin.
I have been really sick for quite awhile, but am starting to feel better finally. I got what I thought was a cold two weeks ago. It was horrible and I just couldn't get better. I finally went to Urgent Care a week ago (I always forget how incompetent they are at Urg. Care until I go again - imbeciles) thinking I had a sinus infection. After I waited for an hour to be seen they told me I just had a simple cold and there was nothing they could do for me. Grrr....I was gradually getting better, but I had just never had something hang on like this. Last Thurs. we went to Jefferson to see Dr. Miller. Our primary reason for seeing him is for allergy treatment. But I mentioned to him that my immune system seems to be shot lately, which baffles me because I am normally so healthy, thanks to all the Vit D I ingest He did some testing on me and said, "You are really sick!" No kidding. He said I have been sick for months, which doesn't surprise me. I have gotten one thing after another since last Feb. And, he said that he strongly suspected it was an e-coli infection. Eww! But he said he fixed me. And honestly, I am feeling tons better now.
I bought a Kindle today. A year ago at this time I would have laughed at the idea and claimed that nothing could replace the feel of paper in the hands. But, I've been slowly persuaded of the value in recent months. I just bought the basic edition. It's all I wanted. I didn't need all the fancy features of the $200 Fire version. I already had a $25 gift card to Best Buy from a previous promotion a few weeks ago when I bought some virus protection so with tax and everything, I paid under $60 for my kindle. And then I ordered a lighted case for it off Amazon this afternoon for $15. So we'll see how I like it. I think I will like it - a lot!
Here is a link to an article I wrote a few weeks ago for Jewels: http://www.jewelsofencouragement.com/2012/07/no-surgery-needed.html This one surprised me. I wasn't all that excited by it when I wrote it. I wrote it in a hurry because I was already 2 days past my deadline. I didn't really like how it came together. In fact, I didn't even have plans to put a link to it on Facebook because I just didn't care for it. I checked the link at 7:30 the morning it posted just to make sure it posted correctly. To my surprise, I already had 3 comments on it! So, I figured it must be better than I had thought it was! I put the link up on FB and 2 of my friends ended up sharing the link on their page. People seemed to really like this article, for some reason! I wrote about true love and plastic surgery. I figured somewhere along the way I would make someone mad because I didn't even include a line in the article about how I didn't have a problem with plastic surgery, per se, that it was an individual decision, and so on. I thought about putting something like that in but there just was not a good spot for it. But nobody said anything, so I guess I didn't offend!
The girls' case worker is coming over for her first visit this Wednesday, I found out today. I have a feeling that a compulsive urge to clean is about to hit. It had better, anyway, for my sake!
August happens this week. I think August officially means that summer is over, although Ben doesn't go back until the 22nd and I don't plan to start school with the other boys until after then. But I have so much to do between now and then to get ready for everyone's schooling. I'm actually a little concerned about how I'm going to get it all done. It will get done, but I'm just not sure how!
We are headed out west this weekend. Kathy and I are getting together. I have a feeling I am going to appreciate this visit more than any other one I've ever had before! Paul is going to try to get the AC in his mom's van working for her. Next week we are going to Adventureland one day. We have been wanting to get out to Living History Farms in August, too, but I don't know when we can make that work. I know Paul is talking about starting to dig out the basement at the end of the month, too. I'm dreading that - looking forward to more room, but dreading the mess again!
One day at a time...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Joy in the Valley
I'm ba-a-ack! Well, kind of. I used to be so good at blogging but this last month - oh, boy...
We are nearly done with week 3 of having our new additions. I think we're settling in. There have been some definite behavior issues to address, but it's been good because it has forced me to evaluate my own parenting and re-think some things. Overall, I'd say things are great and bonding is happening. I'm tired, but I think that's to be expected. Last week I was definitely feeling drained in all different ways - mentally, physically, emotionally. This week I am doing better and starting to emerge out of the fog, I think. A little bit ago we met (well, I met) with the court-appointed attorney who represents our girls - their guardian ad lit um, I think he's called. He was very helpful to me and helped provide some reassurance I was hoping for. This process is one of a lot of emotional ups and downs because nothing is settled yet. But in the midst of all the uncertainty we have two little girls who need some stability and consistency, regardless of what their foster mama is feeling at the moment. It's definitely one of the tougher things I have ever taken on! God is control and His will will be accomplished, regardless of what the final outcome is.
I did realize this week that I am going to have to change my shopping locales, though. For 8 years I have been using a certain Walmart in Des Moines but Monday, someone who knows our girls approached me. She was perfectly nice, but it kind of freaked me out. I do not want to have encounters like this. So I'm going to have to make some shopping changes. It helped too, that I had this big ordeal that day checking out. I was attempting to purchase some storage tubs and the cashier tried to inform me that she could not sell them to me because they were "not in the system." The whole ordeal probably took about a half hour. I stubbornly insisted that Walmart would sell me the tubs because I had just carted them for an hour and a half throughout the store and I was not leaving without them. In the end, I got what I wanted, but I was more than a little steamed about the whole episode. I'm thinking there are some better Walmarts in the metro area where I could do my shopping!
This week Paul and the older boys are all up at camp. It's been a nice week and it's been a rough week because of that. I enjoy not having to cook and getting to watch movies every night. But it's been hard because I am parenting 3 small children all by myself. The things I normally have the older boys do - taking out the garbage, feeding the dog, taking care of the dishwasher, bringing down laundry, picking up, etc - I have to do myself. And I miss having Paul around. He's just my rock, especially in the churning waters we currently find ourselves wading through. Yesterday, my friend Julie and her little girl came over (we had a 1 yr old, a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old at our house yesterday!). I enjoyed it so much. I think I just have been that deprived of adult conversation! I remember these days when Will, Ben, and David were small. It is one of the toughest seasons of motherhood, I think.
Before they left, David told Sam he would be the "man of the house" this week. Sam took that to heart. Yesterday I went to get the mail and he stopped me and said, "I'm the man of the house and mans get the mail!" Then today he was quite disgusted at his sister who objected to him telling her he was the boss of her. As he told me, "Being a man means being the boss!" Poor kid!
Paul had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago. He got hurt working on a furnace. It was right on his knuckle. He ended up getting the nurse up at camp to take the stitches out for him.
I have lost 10 lbs in just the last couple of months. I realized a couple of weeks ago I was down 6 and then I weighed myself earlier this week and another 4 have gone missing. I had begun to notice that my pants were feeling awfully loose these days. That part of weight loss is annoying. At first I was just baffled because I haven't changed anything - I'm eating the same and I'm not exercising (in fact, I sold my treadmill to make room for a baby crib). But it finally occurred to me that I have been taking a magnesium supplement since the end of April. By doing so, I have been able to quit taking my migraine medication. And one of the side effects of that medications is weight gain. That weight crept on so slowly that I never attributed it to the drug - figured it was just because I was getting older. But when I saw Dr. Miller in Jefferson this April he commented to me that the drug I was on does cause weight gain, although, he admitted, he didn't really think I was being bothered by that. So that would be my guess as to why the pounds have come off. Or else I have cancer and don't know it yet.
My grandma died last week. That's been kind of upsetting to me. It wasn't totally unexpected, but yet, I was surprised. I suppose I would have felt the same even if Grandma had been 110. I'll probably blog about her one of these days. She was a terribly influential person in my life. Now, I have no grandparents at all. I suppose that's not uncommon for being 41 years old. But it's still sad, I think.
The day after Grandma's death, Charlotte called. You may recall from earlier posts that I am close with my neighbors (late 60s), James and Charlotte. In fact, I had just been up to see them a few days earlier. At the time James mentioned that he had been coughing up blood for a few days. He ended up in the hospital the next day and I was able to get up to Mercy last Sat. to visit for awhile. Then, that Friday Charlotte called to let me know that they had just found out James had stage 4 lung cancer. It's not treatable and he doesn't have long. That is also upsetting to me and more than a little sad.
Today I am painting my back door - red. I had forgotten how much I hate working with red paint until I got this thing going. You have to put coat after coat on it before it looks right. My plan this week had been to paint both sides of the door (the other side will be white with blue trim, the kitchen side is white with yellow trim) and to sand and paint Baby's dresser. Yes, well, plans are always nice...Baby may have her dresser by the time she's 12, if I am lucky.
We will get through this time. A year from now, I'm going to be smiling as I look back on how far we have all come. And even though the "getting there" may be a little uncomfortable, it's not without its own joys. I am choosing to embrace life, even in the valley.
We are nearly done with week 3 of having our new additions. I think we're settling in. There have been some definite behavior issues to address, but it's been good because it has forced me to evaluate my own parenting and re-think some things. Overall, I'd say things are great and bonding is happening. I'm tired, but I think that's to be expected. Last week I was definitely feeling drained in all different ways - mentally, physically, emotionally. This week I am doing better and starting to emerge out of the fog, I think. A little bit ago we met (well, I met) with the court-appointed attorney who represents our girls - their guardian ad lit um, I think he's called. He was very helpful to me and helped provide some reassurance I was hoping for. This process is one of a lot of emotional ups and downs because nothing is settled yet. But in the midst of all the uncertainty we have two little girls who need some stability and consistency, regardless of what their foster mama is feeling at the moment. It's definitely one of the tougher things I have ever taken on! God is control and His will will be accomplished, regardless of what the final outcome is.
I did realize this week that I am going to have to change my shopping locales, though. For 8 years I have been using a certain Walmart in Des Moines but Monday, someone who knows our girls approached me. She was perfectly nice, but it kind of freaked me out. I do not want to have encounters like this. So I'm going to have to make some shopping changes. It helped too, that I had this big ordeal that day checking out. I was attempting to purchase some storage tubs and the cashier tried to inform me that she could not sell them to me because they were "not in the system." The whole ordeal probably took about a half hour. I stubbornly insisted that Walmart would sell me the tubs because I had just carted them for an hour and a half throughout the store and I was not leaving without them. In the end, I got what I wanted, but I was more than a little steamed about the whole episode. I'm thinking there are some better Walmarts in the metro area where I could do my shopping!
This week Paul and the older boys are all up at camp. It's been a nice week and it's been a rough week because of that. I enjoy not having to cook and getting to watch movies every night. But it's been hard because I am parenting 3 small children all by myself. The things I normally have the older boys do - taking out the garbage, feeding the dog, taking care of the dishwasher, bringing down laundry, picking up, etc - I have to do myself. And I miss having Paul around. He's just my rock, especially in the churning waters we currently find ourselves wading through. Yesterday, my friend Julie and her little girl came over (we had a 1 yr old, a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old at our house yesterday!). I enjoyed it so much. I think I just have been that deprived of adult conversation! I remember these days when Will, Ben, and David were small. It is one of the toughest seasons of motherhood, I think.
Before they left, David told Sam he would be the "man of the house" this week. Sam took that to heart. Yesterday I went to get the mail and he stopped me and said, "I'm the man of the house and mans get the mail!" Then today he was quite disgusted at his sister who objected to him telling her he was the boss of her. As he told me, "Being a man means being the boss!" Poor kid!
Paul had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago. He got hurt working on a furnace. It was right on his knuckle. He ended up getting the nurse up at camp to take the stitches out for him.
I have lost 10 lbs in just the last couple of months. I realized a couple of weeks ago I was down 6 and then I weighed myself earlier this week and another 4 have gone missing. I had begun to notice that my pants were feeling awfully loose these days. That part of weight loss is annoying. At first I was just baffled because I haven't changed anything - I'm eating the same and I'm not exercising (in fact, I sold my treadmill to make room for a baby crib). But it finally occurred to me that I have been taking a magnesium supplement since the end of April. By doing so, I have been able to quit taking my migraine medication. And one of the side effects of that medications is weight gain. That weight crept on so slowly that I never attributed it to the drug - figured it was just because I was getting older. But when I saw Dr. Miller in Jefferson this April he commented to me that the drug I was on does cause weight gain, although, he admitted, he didn't really think I was being bothered by that. So that would be my guess as to why the pounds have come off. Or else I have cancer and don't know it yet.
My grandma died last week. That's been kind of upsetting to me. It wasn't totally unexpected, but yet, I was surprised. I suppose I would have felt the same even if Grandma had been 110. I'll probably blog about her one of these days. She was a terribly influential person in my life. Now, I have no grandparents at all. I suppose that's not uncommon for being 41 years old. But it's still sad, I think.
The day after Grandma's death, Charlotte called. You may recall from earlier posts that I am close with my neighbors (late 60s), James and Charlotte. In fact, I had just been up to see them a few days earlier. At the time James mentioned that he had been coughing up blood for a few days. He ended up in the hospital the next day and I was able to get up to Mercy last Sat. to visit for awhile. Then, that Friday Charlotte called to let me know that they had just found out James had stage 4 lung cancer. It's not treatable and he doesn't have long. That is also upsetting to me and more than a little sad.
Today I am painting my back door - red. I had forgotten how much I hate working with red paint until I got this thing going. You have to put coat after coat on it before it looks right. My plan this week had been to paint both sides of the door (the other side will be white with blue trim, the kitchen side is white with yellow trim) and to sand and paint Baby's dresser. Yes, well, plans are always nice...Baby may have her dresser by the time she's 12, if I am lucky.
We will get through this time. A year from now, I'm going to be smiling as I look back on how far we have all come. And even though the "getting there" may be a little uncomfortable, it's not without its own joys. I am choosing to embrace life, even in the valley.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
This is a FaithWriter's story I wrote a couple of months ago. It didn't make it into the top 10, so I'm copying it here. Our subject was "weary." I kind of liked this one!
Coming Apart
“You just don’t understand!” With that anguished cry, sixteen year old feet run up the stairs and the resounding bam! of her bedroom door slamming shakes the house. I start to head up the stairs, intent on scolding my daughter (“We do not
slam doors in this house, young lady!”) but instead, I pause, and then
head the opposite direction. I’m just so tired of arguing with Kasey
these days. Truthfully, I do understand because I was sixteen once, - a long time ago. Before I was so tired all the time.
I hear the raised voices before I reach the family room. It’s the twins, fighting with each other again. I’m tempted to ignore the fracas, but then I see Joe straddling his brother, with his fist in the air, holding a video remote controller. Pinned underneath his brother, Luke is about to have a very close encounter with the controller.
“Joe!” I yell. My nine - year old pauses, mid-swing. Thus ensues a session of “He did, well, he said” and ends with me sending one culprit to his room and the other to go feed the dog. I feel a headache coming on.
I enter the kitchen, intent on finding an aspirin – or the whole bottle. I pass by my desk and suddenly remember that the energy company expects to have a check in their hot little hands by tomorrow. Ugh. I mentally try to subtract this week’s groceries, the boys’ field trip money, and the check I had to write to the vet from last week’s balance. Hmm – wonder how much is in savings? If only Bill was working regular hours like he used to. But his employer has taken a hit with the economy, too. Once again, the idea of maybe having to look for some part-time work runs through my head.
I sigh - I’m tired. But it’s more than that, really. It’s this bone-deep weariness that has crept into my soul. Where’s the rest? Where’s the peace? This chaos and upset is not what I dreamed of when I used to envision my future life. Maybe it’s just called “reality.” Whatever it is, though, sometimes I feel like I’m coming apart.
I see that some child has drunk exactly two-thirds of a can of soda and left the remainder on the counter. I pour the rest into a mug and add some ice. Slipping outside, I sit down on the porch swing. Creak…creak…I am reminded that I need to ask Bill to oil that thing.
Closing my eyes, I drink and attempt to enjoy the last little bit of daylight. I know the kids will find me eventually, but for now I enjoy the quiet. I hear the ducks greeting each other down by the pond and the rustle in the grass of – well, I really don’t want to know what’s rustling in the grass! Maybe I just need to take more moments like these throughout the day – to relax, to de-stress.
“Come unto Me, all ye that are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”
The Scripture learned long-ago pops into my mind. Can it be that easy? I know that when I go back in the house I’ll still have a surly teenager, boys that fight better than they get along, a dog intent on destroying every good piece of furniture we own, and bills we can’t pay. But if there’s some rest along the way for my fatigue, then maybe that’s all I need for now. And if that rest can come from Jesus, then so much the better. I think He probably understood heart - weariness as much as anyone during His time on earth.
Crunching over the gravel, Bill’s truck pulls into the driveway. As he gets out, I can tell by the slump of his shoulders that it’s been another rough day. I scoot over and pat the swing beside me. Bill slowly eases his body down. We don’t say anything, but watch as the brilliant sun disappears over the horizon. Bill’s calloused hand slides under mine and we lace fingers.
I feel my heart begin to lighten. Perhaps life isn’t so terrible after all. Sometimes a weary heart just needs the chance to come apart and rest for a little bit, that’s all.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear a mother duck, quacking to her little ones, calling them close for the night.
It’s time to rest.
I hear the raised voices before I reach the family room. It’s the twins, fighting with each other again. I’m tempted to ignore the fracas, but then I see Joe straddling his brother, with his fist in the air, holding a video remote controller. Pinned underneath his brother, Luke is about to have a very close encounter with the controller.
“Joe!” I yell. My nine - year old pauses, mid-swing. Thus ensues a session of “He did, well, he said” and ends with me sending one culprit to his room and the other to go feed the dog. I feel a headache coming on.
I enter the kitchen, intent on finding an aspirin – or the whole bottle. I pass by my desk and suddenly remember that the energy company expects to have a check in their hot little hands by tomorrow. Ugh. I mentally try to subtract this week’s groceries, the boys’ field trip money, and the check I had to write to the vet from last week’s balance. Hmm – wonder how much is in savings? If only Bill was working regular hours like he used to. But his employer has taken a hit with the economy, too. Once again, the idea of maybe having to look for some part-time work runs through my head.
I sigh - I’m tired. But it’s more than that, really. It’s this bone-deep weariness that has crept into my soul. Where’s the rest? Where’s the peace? This chaos and upset is not what I dreamed of when I used to envision my future life. Maybe it’s just called “reality.” Whatever it is, though, sometimes I feel like I’m coming apart.
I see that some child has drunk exactly two-thirds of a can of soda and left the remainder on the counter. I pour the rest into a mug and add some ice. Slipping outside, I sit down on the porch swing. Creak…creak…I am reminded that I need to ask Bill to oil that thing.
Closing my eyes, I drink and attempt to enjoy the last little bit of daylight. I know the kids will find me eventually, but for now I enjoy the quiet. I hear the ducks greeting each other down by the pond and the rustle in the grass of – well, I really don’t want to know what’s rustling in the grass! Maybe I just need to take more moments like these throughout the day – to relax, to de-stress.
“Come unto Me, all ye that are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”
The Scripture learned long-ago pops into my mind. Can it be that easy? I know that when I go back in the house I’ll still have a surly teenager, boys that fight better than they get along, a dog intent on destroying every good piece of furniture we own, and bills we can’t pay. But if there’s some rest along the way for my fatigue, then maybe that’s all I need for now. And if that rest can come from Jesus, then so much the better. I think He probably understood heart - weariness as much as anyone during His time on earth.
Crunching over the gravel, Bill’s truck pulls into the driveway. As he gets out, I can tell by the slump of his shoulders that it’s been another rough day. I scoot over and pat the swing beside me. Bill slowly eases his body down. We don’t say anything, but watch as the brilliant sun disappears over the horizon. Bill’s calloused hand slides under mine and we lace fingers.
I feel my heart begin to lighten. Perhaps life isn’t so terrible after all. Sometimes a weary heart just needs the chance to come apart and rest for a little bit, that’s all.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear a mother duck, quacking to her little ones, calling them close for the night.
It’s time to rest.
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