Nov. 1, 2015
Day 884
Boy, am I grainy
today. We set our clocks back, so you'd
think I would be full of extra energy, but I'm not. I took a nap this afternoon and I slept really
hard and I haven't quite awakened from that yet.
Well, this week went by
pretty quickly and I think this next week will be even faster.
Halloween is finally
over. I feel like the celebration got
kind of stretched out this year between The Pumpkin Party at Valley, Night
Eyes, wearing their costumes to school and having the parade on Thursday, and
then trick or treating on Friday. I was
relieved to be able to finally toss their costumes in the laundry.
Arien came over and went
trick or treating with us on Friday. We
walked around Swan and I was able to introduce her to everyone. I realized that I know practically everyone
in town, which is probably due in part to being the clerk, but also because I
have lived here for 11 years now. It
didn't strike me until that evening, though, what a sense of community
we have here. And I don't even like
everyone who lives here. But almost all
of us know each other. When I told
people that Arien was Will's girlfriend, their eyes lit up and I could tell
they were really happy for him. It's
kind of a neat thing.
We went down to Pville
afterwards to score some more candy and I realized, just in the few houses we
went to, that I'm getting to know quite a few people who live down there,
too. As we were going through the
haunted house, one woman came up to me and told me that her daughter is in
class with Lizzie and "absolutely adores her!" I'm not so sure that's true - at least I've
never heard Lizzie mention her daughter - but it still made me feel included
and part of something.
The "haunted
house" I referenced isn't really a haunted house, per se. The guy who used to have the contract for
Swan's garbage (we switched a number of years ago, though) is really into
decorating his house for the holidays.
He has a large, two-story home on one of the main streets in
Pville. Every single holiday he has all
kinds of blow-up decorations and lights displayed. By accident we discovered last year that his
Halloween display goes way beyond decorating
his front yard. The house has a
wrap around porch. He has so many
Halloween displays that they run all through the porch, through the back yard,
and around the side of the house. They
all light up, moan, and spew red water (blood).
My kids are delighted with it. I
think Sam and Lizzie went through three or four times. Two was enough for me.
There's a part of me that
loves Halloween. And I've never been
squeamish, so blood and skeletons don't bother me, either. But as I stood in the front yard waiting for
the kids, by a "graveyard" scene of toppled tombstones and zombies
clawing their way out of the ground, and as a green eyed, electronic ghost
moaned into the wind, and I was then startled when I looked up and saw a
grisly, bigger-than-life-sized zombie ghost strung up on the flag pole, I kind
of wanted to throw up. I kept thinking
of the verse in Deuteronomy 30 that urges God's people to "choose
life." The thought then occurred to
me that all of human life ultimately ends up in death. Generally it's not as grisly as what was
being portrayed in this guy's get-up in his yard. Most of us die in pretty humane ways and I
assure you, that none of us are trying to crawl out of our graves or haunt
those still living. But that's what
unique about the Gospel. The Gospel
offers life to those that will eventually die. Jesus said in John 10, "I am come that
they might have life..." And
as I waited for my kids I had to wonder, what must God think of this Halloween
scene we were viewing? None of it had
anything to do with life at all.
I was bothered as we walked
around by a body bag scene. Of course,
there was a bloodied, zombie-like head sticking out of the top of it. Three years ago I wouldn't have given it a
second thought. But I saw Paul's body
removed in a body bag out of an ambulance and loaded into the Medical
Examiner's station wagon. So, because of
my personal experience, that particular scene bothered me.
Is any of this wrong,
though? Is celebrating Halloween
wrong? I don't know. I just know it didn't feel right and holy
that night as I stood there. Maybe it's
one of those things I will wrestle with every year for the rest of my life.
**********************************
On a happier note, Lizzie
had her birthday yesterday. I love that
girl so much. It was a good, quiet
day. I got a number of things done around
the house, including scrubbing down my grody bathtub (yay, me!) and then we had
tacos, per her request and then we did her birthday. I realized she did not get one single
toy. At 7, she is already prefers a lot
of older type things. It's not that she
never plays with toys - but it isn't real common, actually. She asked for a "real" eyeliner and
mascara, so I got her those. I also got
her some coveted, sparkly high top tennies she had her eye on, and some roller
skates and a new bike from my parents so I guess those last two things are
kid-like in nature. She was happy.
Lizzie requested a
"graveyard" cake which is something I used to make every few years
around Halloween. I made one the first
year she was here but haven't had the heart to do it since. It's amazing how experiencing death for real
gives a sour taste to anything pertaining to death. But that was
what she wanted and then yesterday, she informed me she wanted to do the
decorating, which was fine. She and Sam
did it together and came up with a pretty eerie scene of an "old,
abandoned, graveyard, Mom!" complete with broken popsicle sticks for
"zombie arms."
******************************
A few weeks ago this
"They Say, You Hear" list popped up on my newsfeed. I actually saved it because it's so right. This one is about grieving. I think I've heard about every single one of
these in one form or the other.
They say: You need to try to move on
You hear: You've been upset for too long
They say: You will have more kids/another best friends/fall in love
again
You hear: Your loved one is replaceable
They say: They're in a better place
You hear: They're better off without you
They say: How are you doing since, you know?
You hear: I'm afraid to say their name because I don't want you to
lose it.
They say:I know how you feel
You hear: I assume all grief is the same
They say: I'll be hugging my loved ones tighter tonight
You hear: I still have my loved ones to hug.
They say: You are never given more than you can handle
You hear: You should have no problem handling this.
They say: They are no longer in pain.
You hear: You are being selfish for wishing they were still here.
They say: God has a plan.
You hear: God did this to you.
They say: Let me know if you need anything.
You hear: You are not going to hear from me for awhile.
They say: They wouldn't want you to be sad.
You hear: You aren't handling this correctly.
They say: This is a part of life.
You hear: This isn't a part of my life, but it's a part of your
life, so you have to deal with it.
They say: Stay strong.
You hear: Your sadness is a weakness.
They say: This, too, shall pass.
You hear: You have a time limit on grieving for your loved one.
They say: At least you had the time you did with your loved one.
You hear: You're being ungrateful.
****************************
One day this week Lizzie
said something about seeing a spider.
Since she was sitting on a kitchen stool eating her cereal at the
counter I immediately launched into, "Little Miss Muffet, sat on her
tuffet, eating her curds and whey..."
From there, an animated discussion arose between Lizzie and Sam. Lizzie acsertained correctly that a
"tuffet" was the item on which Miss Muffet sat, while Sam was
convinced that it was another word for her bottom.
**************************
Another night, Lizzie was
complaining about the supper I served.
Sam commented to her that when he goes hunting with his new BB gun and
brings home a squirrel, "You're going to have to eat that!" Sorry, Kid - I'm pretty sure even I
won't be eating a squirrel.
*************************
I went through the rest of
Paul's clothes this week, which was harder than I thought. We got the quilts a couple of weeks ago, but
they didn't use everything. There were
still a few shirts and suit coats, along with his robe. Will took a few things, but I still had a tub
full of clothes. So, I bucked up one day
and made myself do it. A lot of the
dress shirts I ended up throwing away.
They were too old, threadbare, and had soiled collars. The stuff that was ok, I put in my goodwill
tub. I stuck his robe in the corner of
the laundry room. I'm not sure yet what
I'm going to do with that. I'm not quite
ready to get rid of it. Anyway, it was
emotionally draining to do that. But
it's done now.
*******************************
My friend, Tina, teaches in
a Christian school in S. Korea, where she has both MKs and native children in
her classroom. One day recently she was
showing them a picture of an early-American schoolroom, complete with wooden
desks and slates. The slates, of course,
are what they used before paper became widely available. They're about 9" X 7" or so. Well, her students, in awe, piped up,
"They had ipads then?!" She
said she had a hard time convincing them those were not ipads! I thought that was pretty funny.
***********************************
I am closer to being a
college student again. This week I made
some phone calls and was pretty discouraged by the end of it. The schools I contacted did not offer English
degrees in either on-line form or night classes. I'd be fine to attend some day classes for
the next couple of years, but I am anticipating being employed during the day
by the fall of 2018. I sure wouldn't
want to get in a position where I couldn't work because I had to finish my
degree during the day. Then what would
we do for money? And I just do not like
the idea of being an actual, on-campus student.
I could perhaps do that for a class or two, but that would still end up being
a lot of time away from home. I don't
have enough time now, as it is, to do everything that needs to be done. How on earth would I fit in extra hours for driving to and from school,
going to class, doing homework, and still, single-handedly, running my
household and being a good mom? The thought was really
depressing. I began to think maybe I
would have to choose a different degree.
But I couldn't shake the idea that an English degree would be perfect
for me, especially with my writing, which is what I really want to do.
And then I got a call back
from Buena Vista University. I think God
sent the perfect rep to respond to my inquiry.
She is my age. I ended up explaining
to her my entire situation - widowhood, the kids, how I am just wanting a
Bachelors degree so I can be a sub, which will give me a certain amount of
flexibility with my hours and allow me to still be off when my kids don't have
school. As it turns out, she just got
her sub license last summer. So she knew
all about it! And BV offers an English
degree. In fact, they offer it only
on-line! Their headquarters are in
western Iowa (I remember Paul actually checked them out for me in the early 90s
when I was in school and we were trying to figure out how to get married, but
keep me going to school, too) but they have a satellite office in Newton, which
about a half hour from my house.
I'm kind of excited. If I get started after Christmas, I'd probably
have my degree in about 3 years. This
would be taking one class every 8 weeks, which is how they offer them. So, right now my job is to obtain my transcripts and get my FAFSA
filed.
So...the future
beckons. I don't know what all it would
entail. Of course, nobody knows
that. But I'm taking another step
forward.
Twenty one years ago
tonight I was eagerly anticipating the start of a new stage of life, too:
motherhood. I was past my due date and
anxious to meet this baby boy who took up so much space in my body. I was also anxious to get his feet out of my
rib cage, as I recall. Less than twenty
four hours later he would be in my arms.
And now, while still firmly
in the trenches of motherhood, I am looking over the horizon for another future
that awaits.
I don't know that it will
be as thrilling as first-time motherhood was, but I'm still kind of looking forward to it!
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