Day 82
A Facebook friend of mine is noting today the one year death
of her husband. She took pictures of his
grave with a garland of fresh red roses placed atop the marker. Pretty.
I wonder what we’ll end up doing next June 6? The only idea I have had is a balloon
release. However, the day in question
may be a bit tricky. There is a good
possibility that all 3 of the bigger boys will be up at camp that day and two
of my Littles will have VBS that night.
I have 9 months to figure it out, but maybe we’ll have to celebrate (not
the right word) another day. Or maybe I
could drive up to Camp that day and the 7 of us could at least be together for
a couple of hours while we think about Dad.
I kind of like that idea.
I may have figured out what we’re going to do for Paul’s
birthday, too. I know I want to go out
of town because Paul loved doing that kind of thing. He was such a hard worker and would work,
work, work. And then he would lay down
his shovel, look at me, and say, “I’ve got to have a break! What do you think about blowing this popcorn
stand?” And we’d take off for the
weekend. A few years ago I “kidnapped”
him the day before his birthday and drove him to Moline ,
Illinois John
Deere Museum Moline
The first row of blocks has been laid in the basement
addition! This coming Friday we’ll pour
the floor and then the rest of the blocks can be laid.
One thing I have decided we are going to do on Friday, over
in a corner that won’t be covered by a wall or rugs, is to write the name, “Jehovah-Jireh”
in the wet concrete. That very addition
is a testament to the fact that “God is my provider.” As I told (well, texted) my pastor this
afternoon, as painful as this time in my life has been, I am pretty sure that
for the rest of my life I am going to also be profoundly grateful for these
days. Never has God been so real, so
close, and proved Himself so mightily to me.
Every single need I have, He has provided, above and beyond what I could have imagined or requested.
The other night Will came to me, paper in hand, and showed
me a diagram he had made of the new addition, detailing where walls and pipes
would go. This is exactly what his dad
would do every time he did any type of addition type work on the house. It made me smile.
We’re going to go ahead and get started on Will’s bedroom
upstairs. The carpet has got to come
out. He has such a dust problem in that
tiny room and I know it’s because that carpet probably dates back to the time
wall-to-wall carpeting was first invented!
David is going to take Will’s loft for his new room and Will is going to
build a twin-sized platform for his new mattress. We’ll move Sam’s toddler bed temporarily to
Ben and David’s current room.
Will has also volunteered to build bunk beds for the girls. I was looking on Craig’s List the other night
for some. He saw what I was doing and
quickly volunteered his woodworking skills.
So, we’ll see how that works. I’m
not in any real hurry – just thinking ahead.
It’s all I can do to keep Ellie in her crib these days – not too crazy about
the idea of moving her right now to something that would be even easier for her
to escape from!
I have signed David up for flag football (homeschool). As
the school year drew closer and I was trying to figure out if I needed to fill
out a CPI form or not, I asked David what, if anything, he’d like to do
sports-wise this next year. When Will
was in 8th grade, he began to play football at the school. David had always been kind of wishy-washy on
that idea for himself, which is fine. As much as I loved watching Will play, I worried some, too. He
had expressed an interest in running track, but as this past spring unfolded
into an insanely busy time, I had asked David to delay that by a year. But by the time summer got through, he wasn’t
even too sure he wanted to do that. So I
ran through the list of homeschool sporting options our regional area
offers. He wasn’t too excited by any of
them until I got to flag football. His
eyes lit up and I said I’d take care of it.
It sounds like it’s all pretty informal.
The guy who runs it even told Will that he is welcome to play and he’s
out of high school! I sure hope he doesn’t
go hurting some home schooled kid whose parents put him in the game only
because they were too scared to let him play real football! (Remember, Will is
the kid who gave a counselor a concussion at this past January’s Winter
Melt-down up at camp while playing floor hockey…he gets rather, uh,
competitive).
Last Friday I got dressed, did my hair, hauled the kids to
town, met with a couple of different friends, had a long lunch with one, stopped at a store, and
that evening discovered that I had never put on any make-up! Apparently, I’ve been overestimating the
power of make-up all these years since I managed to go all day long before I
realized my face was naked. On the other
hand, my friends did not gasp in horror, either, so I guess it’s not all bad…
I am so thankful for the books that have come my way since
Paul’s death. My mom ordered a stack of
them for me and I’ve had a few others given to me, as well. I’m a reader.
That is how I learn and it’s been tremendous for me to gain the insights
of others during this time. My current
book points out that the stages of healing from loss is outlined in
Scripture. I never knew that!
Romans 5:3-4
Tribulation brings
about patience, and patience brings about experience, and
experience brings about hope.
1 Peter 5:10
But may[d] the God of all grace, who called us[e] to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after
you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen,
and settle you.
I find this really encouraging to
understand that I am involved in a God-ordained process here. God doesn’t intend for me to suffer this
degree of pain for the rest of my life. He has a plan for restoration!
Matt (my brother) visited this weekend. He had a business trip in WI and was able to
detour back through Iowa on his way home.
What an encouragement his presence was.
The kids were all so excited. He
helped lay blocks, nearly killed himself playing basketball with Will, talked
money with me, called and threatened a sexter who inadvertently sent a nasty
picture to David’s phone (so thankful Matt was here when that happened – what a
horrible world we live in now!). He also
played football with Will, David, Ellie, - and, surprise, me! I’ve never played that game in my life and I’m
not so sure I ever will again. This old
body hurts! But it was kind of fun…
After church I took everyone to my
new favorite restaurant, Jethro’s. The
kids all agreed that their dad would loved that place. Will ordered something called “The Jethro.” I have never seen such a sandwich! It was stacked with so much meat that I doubt
Goliath himself could have gotten it into his mouth. It was something that would make all
vegetarians and vegans cringe in horror, I’m sure. It was a good time.
I have a feeling these good times
are going to creep up on us with more and more regularity. I know the hurt will
never fully subside. For the rest of my
life I will live with the horror of Paul’s death imprinted in my mind and the
sorrow of losing his presence in my life. I have lost my best friend and that will
hurt forever. The kids will miss
their dad until the days that they die.
When they become parents I suspect that hurt will even increase for a
time. But our lives are not going to be
the bleak, barren landscapes that I could only envision just a few weeks ago. Here and there, happiness is going to sneak
in and surprise us. More and more, we’ll
smile and sometimes erupt into fully belly laughs.
We will find that joy has come to
stay.
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