Day 71
Yesterday was a good day – today, not so much. Kathy came down – drove 3 hours to spend time
with me. It was a good day. But it was different because now, I’m
different. The thing is, I don’t think I
will ever be the Sarah I was before June 6th. But I still really enjoyed my time with
her. We’ve been the best of friends
since high school and here we are, 25+ years later, closer than ever. She got out of her van, I hugged her, and
promptly started crying. But the day got
better after that, thankfully. My
friend, Mishelle, came over to the house in the afternoon to give David a break
from watching the Littles. She did
laundry, dishes, beat rugs – oh, my goodness.
And then, she left a little milk jug vase – white and red to match the
kitchen, with red miniature roses to welcome me home. How good God has been to me with the friends
He has given me!
While eating lunch yesterday, Kathy and I ran into one of my
foster care class teachers. She had come
to Paul’s visitation, as well. It was so
nice to see her. She has adopted out of
foster care, too, and assured me that now that my paperwork has been filed, it
won’t be long at all before I get a court date.
That was nice to hear since my attorney seems to think it will take
until Sept. I suppose it really doesn’t
matter, but I’m just really praying for an August date.
Ben has no more curls.
I hope this is a temporary thing!
He’s been strongly suggesting for several months that I cut them off,
but I have demurred, trying to convince him that his curls are the most
distinctive feature he has. I just love
them! Apparently, he just needed a
little inspiration to strengthen his resolve.
Monday, his former aide came to pick him up for a day of fun, and she
had totally chopped her hair into a very short, sleek, and sophisticated style. What a difference! When he got home, Ben got out the clippers,
brought them to me, and said, “I want you to cut my hair really
short!” Ugh. But I did it and he’s happy. People will not recognize him when he goes
back to school on Monday. Well, except
for his towering height. That hasn’t
changed over the summer, except maybe for increasing a bit.
So, I’ve been down in the dumps today. Some of it is Miss Lizzie. Apparently, she was a royal pill yesterday
for the time that David was watching her. She was warned of the potential consequences,
but chose them anyway. So today she has
Obedience Training Day which is a training method I came up with some time ago,
which basically makes for a miserable,
miserable day for her and a not very fun one for me, either. But I don’t have a choice. If she does not learn to submit and obey now,
at age 4, I may as well give her back to the state because she will be out of
control at 14.
I finished up my filing in the basement. I ran across a couple of little, “just
because” cards Paul had given me. He
loved me so much. They made me smile,
but also made me sad at the same time. I
also did some more work in the old office, which is where I’ve been putting his
stuff, and stuff from the funeral. I
have his clothes ready to go and am now sorting out the sympathy cards and
things of his that I want to save. Some
will be in bags for the kids, some will be just for me. I think a lot of it is going to go in my hope
chest. Kind of ironic, now that I think
about it – As a teenager, I saved things
in that chest for my future marriage; now I’m saving memories of that
marriage. The last thing will be to go
through his bedside table. Then
what?
I think I am hoping, with all this organizing, to find a way
to go on. If I can organize my life
enough, maybe that will give me direction in how to do this alone. I still don’t know what that is going to look
like, or even how to begin to live without him.
All summer long, I have been existing, but that’s it. I cannot merely exist for the next 40 years,
can I? I suppose, though, a person could
live that way if they chose to. Maybe
there is a small part of me that is beginning to hope for some sort of future
in this present life.
I have to take my health back under control, too, so I’ve
been giving some thought to that, as well.
I am amazed at how well I have been this summer. I have not eaten right at all, but other than
one slight cold, I have remained perfectly healthy, for which I am
thankful. I think God has been gracious
to me. But I can’t expect my body to
endure this kind of nutritional deficit and remain healthy, indefinitely,
either. I rather imagine I am
underestimating the sheer amount of mental stress my emotions are putting on my
body, too, and that is just a matter of time before it is manifested in
physical weakness and sickness.
This all seems to coincide with the start of the new school
year, which is always a good time for new beginnings. As I mentioned, Ben goes back next
Monday. I just got the books ordered for
the others this week, so I’m thinking it will be Sept. sometime before I start
homeschooling, which is fine. I’m
looking forward to implementing some sort of schedule, some organization into
my days.
This is why I am so thankful for the timing of Paul’s death. It happened right at the beginning of
summer. It didn’t happen a week earlier,
which would have left me with an unfinished kitchen, and a ruined graduation
for Will. It did not happen near
anyone’s birthday or a major holiday. We
had all summer long, which is generally a more relaxed time anyway, to recoil
and recover from the initial shock. I
don’t think there is ever a good time to tragically lose a loved one, but if I
had to choose how to do it, this could not have been more perfect.
Today I started doing a Bible study with my pastor’s
wife. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll have “homework” to do in-between
sessions, which will increase accountability, as well as the benefits of the
study itself. The study is all about
controlling the thoughts that so often wish to control us. It’s about not becoming a slave to my
emotions. It’s needed.
I’m reading another of the widow books my mom ordered for
me. This one is a surprise. It’s written by an English pastor. I’m surprised for a couple of reasons. From what I understand, most of England Europe , in general – is pretty pagan now. The light of Christianity has grown very,
very dim there. But this pastor appears
to be the real thing. The book is
written in a very tender tone to the widow.
I tend to think of the English as being very stoic and proper, but this
book has a heartbeat. It is really
ministering to me right now. I liked the
following that I read today while I ate my lunch. Talking about Ruth and Naomi, the author
says:
Naomi and Ruth came to realize
that when God takes away our earthly joys and securities and plunges us into
grief, it is in order that we might learn to take refuge under his protective
wings and experience his power, his love, his provision, and his sufficiency
for all our needs.
Oh, I like that!
Psalm 91…
Today hasn’t been such a great day. And there are going to be other not-so-good
days, too. It’s the nature of life in
general, amplified when one is grieving.
But I know, I know that better days await.
Hope is slowly and
tentatively beginning to lift its weary head…
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