Sunday, April 29, 2012

Wandering in the Desert

I had a  note on my Facebook wall this morning from a friend who said she was praying the morning and  the Lord brought me to her mind.  That touched me so deeply because I've been kind of discouraged lately.  Having this cold has not helped matters, either.  By the way, it migrated south during the night so now I feel it down in my chest.  So while I'm not quite as "liquid" on top anymore, now I feel like a large rodent is sitting on my chest.  Or a small mammal.

Why am I discouraged?  Oh, lots of reasons...chief among them has to do with our adoption desires.  We're still waiting.  I know it's only been a few months since we became eligible to do this.  But I've been thinking about it/longing for it for years.  Mother's Day will mark the one year point since we both fully committed to taking this journey.  Maybe that's what I am forgetting - it is a journey we're on.  I want to be at the destination already!  Of course, even when we reach our destination (obtaining a child) then another journey of walking alongside this child and helping to heal her hurts will begin.  I need to be patient.  Paul does work on the side for a Christian landlord - has been doing it for 2  years or more now.  I didn't even make the connection that he was the brother-in-law of our realtor (who is now the activities director up at camp) until a few months ago.  But Paul just discovered a few months ago that he and his wife are caring for two foster daughters on top of their own brood of children.  He told Paul it took them 18 months to get the call for the right children. 

The thing is - we got a call this week.  It wasn't for respite care, but it was for our "own" children.  The state had two girls for us, but they were older than what we were hoping for, ages 7 and almost 12.  They were coming from some pretty rough trauma, too.  We were torn.  I told the worker I would call her back.  Paul and I went back and forth.  My brain was telling me "no" but my heart kept thinking, "What if we are the only thing standing between these girls and a hopeless future?"  But yet - I have only ever envisioned parenting younger girls.  Yes, they would eventually turn into bigger girls, which is fine.  But I'd rather start small.  If we took these sisters, then we were giving up our hopes of getting a younger child, unless the sisters ever went back to their birth home.  But the worker told me we would probably have them for at least a year.  But what if God wanted us to take older children?  For the rest of my life I would tell the story of how I thought I needed younger children, but God knew better and how happy I was that we had gone with God's direction and not our own.  The thing that was confusing was that just the night before Paul and I had prayed about this together, asking God to provide a child(ren) for us very soon.  And then the next day we got this call!  We finally agreed to take the children.  When I called back to tell the worker, I found out she had already found another home for them.

I felt equal parts relief and despair that I had just blown it.  If only I had told the worker "yes" as soon as she had called!  But I couldn't make a decision like that without consulting with Paul.  We talked that night and both finally concluded that the best thing had happened.  We're not opposed to going a little older than the age 6 cap that we have in our dossier, but 12 is awfully far beyond that.  And we decided that if we get a call for a sibling duo like that again, at least one of the girls has to be closer to Sam's age or younger.  And, as a friend suggested to me that night, perhaps these girls went to a more experienced foster home or at least one where the parents might have more time to work with them.  That made me feel a little better.  But I'm still disappointed and wonder how much longer we'll have to wait.

There is encouragement along the way, though.  I wrote about some I received in early March in my latest Jewels piece that came out Friday:      I wrote about the gift of a pink pen that Sara gave me for my birthday.  And, the truth is, my sister-in-law, Kirsti, recently did the same thing for me as well.  She sent me a Target gift card and told me it's for the girl when she arrives!  I had already submitted my story before that arrived, or I would have included it, too.  When you're not seeing any results and you really wonder if God lead you into the desert and left you there, little things like this mean an awful lot.

I watched an older movie Friday night and boy, was it convicting to me.  Maybe I was just in the right place to hear it.  Paul went up to camp, overnight, to attend Counselor's Training.  He will be counseling Jr. High boys this year.  So I told the boys that I would pick up a movie on my way home from Jefferson for us to watch.  Will called during the day and suggested I pick up a movie called "Tower Heist" that he had heard about.  It had a number of comedy actors in it so I thought it would be the perfect thing for a stormy night when we were home without Paul.  Well, we got into the movie and got more and more uncomfortable as the moments passed.  We were about 15 min. into it and it was already generously peppered with bad language.  Plus there were some crude references and I don't know - it was bothersome.  The sad thing is I probably would have watched it, but David and Will were getting squirmier and squirmier - with conviction -  with each moment.  I was tempted to leave it up to them, but I mentally smacked myself in the head and reminded myself that I am the parent here.  We paused it and just kind of looked at eachother and then I reminded the boys of Philippians 4:8.  That was it.  The movie was off.  But then I remembered that we have "Facing the Giants" by Sherwood Productions.  I had never seen it before, even though we've had it for years.  So we watched that instead.  The movie centered around the theme of giving your best to God and surrendering everything to Him.  That hit me hard.  I guess I needed to hear that now.

One cheerful thing that happened this past week: Sam mastered riding his bike without training wheels.  He is only FOUR years old!  I don't think Will even climbed on a bike until he was closer to 5 or 6.  He's been zipping around all over the place with his new-found freedom.  I suppose I had better keep a closer eye on him.  He sure didn't stay little for very long.  He's been pestering me this week about giving him a "buzz cut" soon so that's probably going to happen one of these days, as well.  I was hoping he'd forget, but apparently, he hasn't...sigh...

It's Sunday and I'm home today with this cold and with David who is still struggling with his own.  I need to take frequent rests, but the nice thing is that I'll be able to get some stuff on my "to-do" list done.  This next week is going to be super-busy.  I mean, SUPER.  And all I really want to do is hibernate until this cold goes away!  No rest for the wicked, I guess...

1 comment:

  1. Weirdly enough I had a dream about you this morning - very odd.In the dream the placement of the two girls did not work out, and they called you back to see if you would take them. You and I were meeting at this Industrial type place to talk - there in the middle outside with all these guard shacks and metal building was a table for two. We met because you wanted to know what to do. Upon meeting we both began to cry, heavily. I said to you - why are we crying? You said you didn't know. I said its grief over the loss you will not be getting a baby. And you agreed - and I said my tears were over my son who we lost to his own behaviors. And after we cried a long time - we began to smile and plan for your daughters, who in the dream I believe the oldest was 12. You said 90% of your fear was thinking this was "it" as you were only wanting to do this once, not several times. So whatever decision yall made was permanent and done. I laughed and said never say never Sarah, Gods plans (as you've seen) are different than ours. I woke up feeling as if we really had just met and talked things over. Then I began to pray hard for you. So I just wanted you to know. God bless you in all your decisions and I feel strongly, something is upon you. :)