Out of Step

Tonight was Ben's first chorale concert. It was awful. But he's so pleased with himself, so I can't say anything out loud. That's why I'm here.

I want to complain to someone at the school and when I figure out who I'm mad at, I will. A lot of things weren't right. The kids didn't have adequate supervision. Ben, especially, didn't have adequate supervision. So, he wandered off. Twice. The first time, the curtain went up, the 7/8 choir was in place and there was no Ben. A few moments later he stumbled onto stage, walked clear across the front, bumping other kids, until a kindly classmate helped him find his place.

He stood up there, out of step with the other kids. Every couple of moments he got distracted by different things. Then he'd turn around, back to the audience, watch the kids, and then try to do what they were doing.

I didn't even want to watch. It was so painful. My relief when he stumbled off stage was palpable. Of course, later on, the choir had to go back and I watched him ascend the steps and risers with my heart in my throat, sure that he would fall. Nobody helped him.

Later on, afterwards, Ben was nowhere to be found. Eventually, his choir leader found him munching cookies in the choir room. I told Ben that we were worried about him because we didn't know where he had gone to. He said, "I knew where I was. Besides, this is my school!" I knew what he was trying to say, but he was kind of missing the point.

Anyway, all this explains why when the act after the choir came on I was so thankful it was dark in that gymnasium. Because I sat there with tears rolling down my face, weeping for my out-of-step child. Most moments are good, but this was one of those incredibly painful and incredibly hard moments that wasn't good.

And those pierce my heart like nothing else in the world.