(Close to) Midnight Ramblings

Paul is away overnight and because I do not like going to bed without him, I am writing this at 11:00 at night, in an attempt to stave off the time that I do have to go to bed. So, if I get to rambling all over the place or sounding silly - you'll know why.

Paul is at counselor training up at camp today and tomorrow. It's something all first-time counselors have to attend. David was mistaken in its purpose, though. Tonight he worriedly asked me, "If Dad doesn't pass this weekend, will he still get to be my counselor?" He thought this weekend was a test for would-be counselors!

Today I went up to the hospital and spent some time with my friend, Jenny. I didn't get to see Rebekah, though, because she is battling a staph infection and can't have visitors. But I primarily wanted to see Jenny, anyway, so that was all right. It was a good visit and I hope to get up there every 10 days or so. I remember those days. And little Rebekah is doing much better. She is off the ventilator, which is wonderful news! I continue to have this intense desire to be there for Jenny. This is really the first time that I've had a friend go through something similar to what we did. I just hope I'm not too pushy or overbearing in my enthusiasm. Different mothers handle these kind of things in different ways.

Last night I went to see a documentary film out at ChildServe. They were showing 3 different films this week, dealing with different things related to special needs children. Last night was the only night I could make it. I have a new friend, Amy, from the special needs group I attended a week ago. It turned out that we have a mutual friend at my church and I've actually been hearing about Amy for 4 years now through this friend. But neither one of us knew, of course, the other would be at the meeting. So we met, figured out how we knew eachother, and then friended eachother on Facebook. So, all that is to say that she and I met up last night and watched the film together.

The film was very good. It dealt with the siblings of special needs children. While I have had concerns over the years for Will and David in regards to our family dynamics with Ben, I haven't given it a whole lot of thought, since there is nothing I can do to change things. Ben is who he is and a part of our family, just as all the other boys are. Several things stuck out to me as I watched these series of interviews. Siblings of sp. needs kids feel intense pain and anger when they see their sibling hurt, ignored, or rejected. And it's something that cannot be avoided. We don't live in Utopia, and all sp. needs children will experience some form of exclusion at one time or another. The siblings, especially those in their teen and adult years have a level of concern for their sibling's future. They all seem to recognize that Mom and Dad aren't going to be around forever and they're next in line for the care of their sibling. But I didn't sense any resentment from those interviewed about that. It seemed to be a task they were willing to take on. Even my own boys have commented to me at one time or another about how they plan to take care of Ben someday - warms my heart! But I certainly don't want to expect that out of them. We'll have to make alternative arrangements at some point. Another common factor that these siblings seem to share is the desire to not "make waves" in the family. They seem to sense that their parents have an extra work and stress load already and don't want to add to that. I would definitely agree with that. Neither Will nor David has ever given us any problems. I wonder if that will hold true, for Sam, though, since he is so far removed in age from Ben. I hope it is! If I could get through life having Ben be the worst of our family behavioral problems, I would be delighted! And another point of interest I caught was that, by and large, siblings of sp. needs kids tend to go into "compassion" oriented fields in their adult life. That makes complete sense to me. Having a child experience special needs is not something that just happens to the child. It happens to the whole family.

Wed. night at church I noticed that the boy standing beside Ben in our circle time refused to hold his hand. Poor Ben kept trying to grab his hand, which is what we're all supposed to do, but the kid kept yanking it out of the way. I finally told Ben just to hold his hand at his side. I wish now that I had reached around and pinched the back of that kid's neck. There's a muscle back there that if you pinch it just right, causes almost instant non-lasting paralysis. I'm never sure what to do in situations like that, but I feel like maybe I let Ben down. When David heard about this later, he was incensed! I am so thankful I had those 3 boys so close together in age because Ben is so protected, sandwiched in the middle like he is.

I actually had a good time at the boys' softball games Tues. night. Paul was home working on the house and I was dreading the games because of past experiences and knowing I'd be dealing with Sam alone. But it really went well. Ben was a little discouraged that he struck out, but his team did a great job of cheering for him, anyway. And they won. Will's team won, too. And I am not just being a proud mama when I point out that the main reason Will's team won was because Will was on their team! Will had such a lousy season last year that he was dreading this year's a bit. But so far, they are off to a terrific start! (Not that winning is the most important thing or even the main objective - I know, I know...but it sure makes us all happy when it happens!)

On the way home, the boys got into an interesting conversation about the use of certain words. I can't remember what Ben said, but it was something crude and forbidden. David piped up, "You know, Ben, if you ever want to get married someday, you can't be using words like that. No girl will want to marry you!" I think I had my jacket over my mouth at that point, trying not to laugh out loud!

Later in the same trip, David, in all seriousness, asked me, "Mom, when I get older will you tell me what the 'F' word is and what it means?" I choked on my jacket that was already over my mouth! I didn't realize he didn't know about that word; he just knows there is an "F" word. I got to thinking about that later. I learned about that word around age 5 when I learned to read and read it off my uncle's tattooed knuckles! But you know, it's really something that David is almost 11 and still so very innocent. How many other kids as old as he is, could say the same?

David still believes that too much hugging and kissing leads to babies. He has cautioned me several times about that, warning me that I could end up pregnant again because, "I've seen you and Dad hugging and kissing, Mom!" Boy, will he be in for a surprise when Paul takes him on his "13" trip in a couple of years! I think it's a wonderful. Today children are exposed to so much and it cuts their childhood short. David, at least, is having a nice, long one!

Paul told me today that he made an appointment with an orthopedist to have his knee looked at later this month. The pain is steadily increasing and he's having more and more difficulty with it. I am dreading the thought of this, though. We just increased our deductible by one and half times in order to keep our insurance premiums at a more manageable rate. I don't know where the money will come from to pay it off if he has to have surgery. But, he can't continue to live in pain, especially when his job is so physical. And that brings up another point: Now is really not a good time for him to be getting laid up by surgery! Hours are pretty much back to normal with AC checks and we need him to work as many as possible. If he could hold off until August, that would be great because things tend to slow down in that month. Of course, he will need those free-er days to work on the house. It's going to be a rush to get everything done before the snow flies next winter. Maybe he'll just need a cortisone shot. I'm going to pray that's the case, anyway!

Sam is finally saying, verbally, "please" and "thank-you." The other boys were saying them much, much earlier. Sam would not. He would sign them, but no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't get him to express it with his mouth. Will told me I have him to thank for that. He said one day this week while I was gone, he just flat out refused to give Sam his cup until he said what needed to be said. Well, that's why it wouldn't work before - I'm too soft-hearted to do that! But it's so cute now to hear him lisp, "Pwease!" when he wants something! And tonight when I tucked him in bed, he called out, "'night, Mom!" as I started down the stairs. He's never done that before.

All right, the letters here are starting to swim on my monitor. I think my pill has more than kicked in and I shouldn't have a lot of trouble falling asleep tonight. I may have trouble getting up tomorrow, though! And I won't be the only one. Will and David are engaged in some sort of Wii battle out in the living room - at 11:46 at night! I am way, way too lenient!