Thursday, March 18, 2010

Thirty-Nine and (barely) Holding

It's my birthday today - and I'm feeling incredibly depressed. I shouldn't be. It's definitely NOT related to my birthday - I always look forward to those. But I've been in a blue haze for the last week or so. I need to snap out of it, I think. Paul made breakfast for me, which was nice. And he made cupcakes - using a mix I had intended for something else. So, now I have to make a run to the store. But the thought was nice.

Paul hasn't had hardly any hours at all for last week and this week. Although, he did just leave a few minutes ago to do a call in nearby Carlisle. I'm sure that will be it for today. It's that time of year, but oh, how tight it gets! I have a feeling that is the root of my depression.

Well, and then we got news this week that our insurance rates are almost doubling. We've been paying about $300 a month for the two of us - it's going over $500 and that's even with Paul's employers chipping in more towards that cost. So, we're looking around now for something else. We got info from our life insurance carrier yesterday and their health policies are also through Blue Cross - the only plan with affordable premiums in the neighborhood of what we've been paying have $7000 deductibles! My fear, though, is that if we do find another insurance company, they won't take me because of my stroke history. We tried to buy life insurance for me and couldn't find anyone willing to cover me because of that. As it is, we're paying a higher premium for Paul's because of his epilepsy. So, the bottom line is that if one of us is going to die young, it needs to be him!

Plus, it appears as though Nancy Pelosi and her hoard of Demons are going to be successful in ramming through the health care bill. I am VERY concerned about that. But I can't do anything about it. I am ready and willing to go to Heaven, but I very much object to the idea of going there early because of new health care laws. Maybe that's what is making me feel blue, too. I have to remember that God is in control. I know He can take care of us. But I know that He doesn't necessarily alleviate all suffering, either. Just yesterday I caught the tail end of a message on Christian radio and it was about the suffering of the early Christians. They had it bad. But God didn't fix things for them. He let them suffer. And then they died (usually tortured to death) and it was all over. So, it looks like what I'm immaturely saying here is that I don't mind dying - I just don't want to suffer first!

I got my Mirena put in yesterday morning. That was not exactly a pain-free procedure. But it wasn't as bad as the biopsy I had done last fall. I hope we did the right thing. I had time to read the brochure that came with the IUD before Dr. Morgan came in. I was a little concerned when I read "We don't know exactly how the Mirena works..." They invented it, but they don't know how it works? They were talking about pregnancy prevention there, which I don't really care about at this point. And then I did get a little more bothered when I read that a small percentage of women will come down with a life-threatening infection within the first few days after insertion. So far, so good, here. I asked about that and Dr. Morgan said that only has happened to her twice in all the years she's been using the Mirena on patients. And one of those was a woman with a previously undiagnosed STD. You're not supposed to use this thing if you have one of those. So, we'll see.

Ben informed me the other day that "God gives second chances" and he thought it was terribly unfair that I did not, as well. Nice try, Buddy... I remember David trying to pull that one on me a few years back.

I had cause again this week to be thankful for Paul. A gal I know told me about her husband's porn addiction and how it's slowly destroying their marriage. That breaks my heart, even though I don't know this lady very well. That particular addiction places such a stranglehold on men's (usually, although I do know of some women that struggle with it, too) minds. It's very hard to escape that trap. I fear that for my boys. Being realistic, I can assume that with 4 sons, I will encounter pornography at some point - one of them will fall into that trap. I hate the thought of that and I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I'm not sure how we'll handle that. I guess God will give us wisdom when the time comes. But, anyway, I'm just thankful that's not a battle in our own marriage. Paul had a brief fling with it at age 15 when he discovered it under a brother's bed. But at that young age, he recognized the danger, and made himself accountable to an Awana leader (who later was revealed to be gay). And he's gone to a number of lengths in the decades since to guard his eyes. It's a secure feeling for me to know that.

I had a friend Sunday who made the offhand comment to me that I seem to "thrive" on being busy. That caught me up short and so I've been reflecting all week if that, indeed, is true. Do I? Normally, I complain about it because I really do hate running around all over. But is there a secret part of me that needs to be that super-busy? I'm still thinking...

We had a city council meeting the other night, an extra one, to approve the city budget. We haven't figured out why, but somehow, property taxes were not filed last year. That means our general budget is really, really low. So, all the city council members and members are voluntarily (not really, but what are you going to do?) slashing their pay to $5 a meeting. And we can't vote ourselves a raise until just prior to the next election - in late 2011! So basically, we're all donating our time now. Sigh...

Something caught me by surprise a couple of weeks ago. My friend Julie that died has a Facebook page. Obviously, she's not doing anything with it, but it's still out there. Somebody else I knew wrote a short little message to her. My first thought was, "That is SO weird!" But the longer I thought about it, the more I decided it wasn't weird after all. It's actually kind of sweet. I suppose it's like leaving flowers at or visiting someone's grave. The action does nothing at all for the deceased, but it's comforting for the one that does it. This morning her husband posted a new album of just pictures of Julie - it made me tear up. It's all, still, just so sad. I remember during all our school years together, we always had birthdays one right after the other. But this year, Julie won't have one.

Well, that thought is really good for shaking me out of this funk! Onto happy things...

Sara is coming down tomorrow with the girls. I think she's bringing a cake, too. She usually does. And Saturday we're going to Waterloo to see Andy one last time before he moves (ok, that's sad). And it's finally spring! (although we're supposed to get snow this weekend - again, sad). And my friend Melissa and I have a shopping day planned in two weeks so she can find a good outfit for the Prom Alternative that she's chaperoning. And then if all works out, we're going to go to our other friend, Jennifer's, and watch New Moon, which comes out on video this weekend. That's happy! And Eclipse comes out in just 3 months!! That's very happy news! Um, what else... Paul and Will began digging out the new basement yesterday. I can't wait for that to be finished! Now that we're so close (sort of close) to having that project done, my house just seems even more cramped and crowded. He got the trim work up in the boys' room this week, which is nice. Now I just need to find time to paint up there.

I don't have to cook tonight - which is awesome news!

I took a handful of St. John's Wort this morning and I am going to try really hard to focus on the positives of life. There are many, even if they do seem shadowed by the negatives. Nobody enjoys having a sour faced Sally around, so I'm going to to do what I can to "turn that frown upside down" - what a corny, irritating phrase. But you know what I mean. I do have a lot to be thankful for, not the least of which is that I'm around to celebrate turning 39.

Happy Birthday to Me!

No comments:

Post a Comment