At the same time, I feel guilty. I don't have it that bad. I'm upset because my nearly 40 year old body doesn't work as well as it did 20 years ago? That seems kind of silly. I'm on a stroke survivor Internet list. Compared to some of the people on there, I have nothing to complain about. Some are bedridden. Some are crippled for life. Strokes are devastating as evidenced in these survivors' stories. And knowing that helps me understand why recovery has still been so difficult from my small one. But I feel like I shouldn't complain at all. Other than these episodes, I'm in good health. My children are healthy. We have a roof over our heads and aren't terribly worried about finding food for our next meal. There's a lady in our church who was widowed 6 months ago. Two weeks ago she found out she has an aggressive form of cancer. A gal I know on my rupture list found out less than a month ago that her 8 year old has a malignant brain tumor and will be dead within the year. He was her oldest by default since her oldest child died in infancy. What am I complaining about? So when people ask me how I am doing, all this runs through my mind and I struggle with how much to say. I grew up with a grandma who had a new litany of body complaints every time I saw her. I was concerned but not so concerned that I wanted to know everything! I remember thinking, even as a child, that I didn't want to be like that as an adult. I know people want to pray for me and I am so appreciative of that, but neither do I want to bore them with my self-centered recitation of my complaints, especially when I have so many other good things in my life. So, it's a struggle.
And it's discouraging. But Romans 8:28 popped into my head this morning as I was wheeling the cart through Wal-mart, mulling on these things, as well as noticing that the price of apple juice has gone up again. I firmly believe the promise of that verse, that ALL things do work for good, even and maybe especially, the things that seem so bad on the outside. It would help if I knew for what good! Then I might endure my suffering a little more cheerfully! But I guess that's part of faith - believing that God will do what He says He will when we can't see how or why that could possibly happen. And it's the whole eternal perspective thing, too, that I have written about before - recognizing that this earthly life is temporary and as such, so are our trials.
I can't type anymore. My dead hand is protesting mightily. But I'm looking forward to Heaven where there will be no deer (I hope), and I can type as long as I want without the limitations of my body!