Dec. 26, 2015
Day 941
It's over. I
survived another Christmas of widowhood.
And it wasn't
totally terrible, either. I did better
this entire season than the last two.
But Christmas Eve night we went to the service at church, which I was
fine for throughout. And then, as I'm
out in the foyer, wrestling Ellie into her coat, a friend came up to me and
with this sympathetic I-feel-so-sorry-for-you,
wish-I-could-fix-your-heartache look
that I know too well (and appreciate as much as I can see it coming from a mile
away anymore) asked me how I was doing.
I've never been great at faking things and honestly told her, "Ok -
just, ok." This friend isn't
possessed of a huggy type nature, but she wrapped her one arm around me and
whispered, "I'm so sorry." Her
kindness made tears spring to my eyes.
And then just at that moment, another friend, who IS huggy, came over to
me, wrapped her arms around me and said softly, "Hey, Girl - you are loved
so much."
And I knew I had
to get out of there right then or I would lose it. So Ellie and I bolted for the van. About 20 min. later Will and David finally
showed up and David was complaining about how "unsociable" I am.
Maybe someday
he'll understand.
And after that I
was really fine - until we were opening gifts yesterday morning. All of a sudden, this intense grief wave just
slammed into me. I didn't even see it
coming. Emotionally, I was reeling, but
you know, it was Christmas and I couldn't run off wailing to my
room. That would be a real quick way to put a damper on the
holidays. I don't even think the Grinch could top that! So, I just kept on unwrapping presents and
taking pictures of the kids.
By late
afternoon it had passed and I really
felt ok once again.
Which has me
wondering...will I ever be free of the blues at Christmas someday? Time will tell. I wonder, too, if I am doing the right thing
by keeping things from the kids. Maybe
someday I'll hear them complaining that I wasn't "real" enough when
walking through this valley. The mom is
the emotional barometer of the home and I've just wanted to keep their emotions
at a balanced level. If I insisted that they
feel what I do, then they'd be down more than they are up. But they may never fully appreciate this.
A fellow widow
friend posted this in a meme on Facebook last night and I thought it was so
good:
It's hard to rejoice when your heart is hurting and it seems
like the world is celebrating around you.
But the same God Who loved us enough to send His only son understands
you better than anyone else - and He's closer to you now than anyone else can
ever be.
Plans changed
during the day. Mom and Dad went home
early because Mom wasn't feeling the greatest so I was kind of at loose
ends. I ended up watching the Dolly
Parton movie that was on NBC. I was
really surprised at how good that was.
I thought it was going to be something about her rise to fame, but instead it was just a 2 hour movie about a
period of a few months in the life of her family while growing up - themes of
faith, resilience, and trusting God when it hurts. I could probably watch that again. The little actress who played young Dolly was really talented. She reminds me of someone I know in real life but I haven't put my finger yet on just who it is.
*************************************
Oh - Lizzie did
break her foot. I felt so terrible -
seriously terrible, like worst-mom-in-the-world kind of terrible. I had taken her to Urgent Care on a Monday. On Friday of that week I got a phone call
from Urgent Care letting me know they had been trying to get ahold of me all
week long. A radiologist had read the
x-ray and decided a bone was actually fractured. Ugh!
And here, every single day that week I had been forcing her foot into a
shoe even though she complained that it hurt because, after all, it wasn't
broken! She's still in a boot now. She might get out of it next week, but I'm
not sure.
*************************************
I've started
reading, "Little House in the Big Woods," the first Laura Ingalls
Wilder book, to the Littles most every night.
I plan to go back and forth between her books and some Beverly Cleary
ones until we've read everything by these authors. Sam seems to actually be more into the books
than the girls are, which surprised me.
But they still listen. Laura
included a lot of the little songs her Pa used to sing for them and I always
sing them to the kids as I'm reading, making up the tune if I don't know it
already. So I was singing one the other
night when I got to the word, "darky" in the song. I quickly realized the song was a little
ditty about a black man. For the time
period of the story (mid 1870s) it wasn't inappropriate. But for now, it's highly so! Fortunately, none of the kids caught what I
sang and when I came to that word again in the song, I quickly changed it to,
"that man." Oh, wow. Times have changed!
And on a related
note, late last week Lizzie and I both got handwritten apology notes from that
boy who made that racist comment to her.
They came addressed to me in a school envelope, so I don't know if that
was something the principal required the student to do or something he did on
his own (or was told to do by his mother) and then asked the school to mail
them to me. But, I was impressed anyway. One was addressed to Lizzie and the other, to,
"Lizzie's parent's." Lizzie
said he also verbally apologized to her at school.
So, anyway, it
definitely sounds like he is chastened and repentent. That's the best possible outcome out of an
unfortunate situation to start with. I
did write to the district superintendent and told him how pleased I was with
how this was handled by the principal.
He wrote back and thanked me for telling him and said he'd definitely
commend the principal, too. He then went
on to tell me how much he enjoys Ben.
Everyone enjoys Ben!
********************************
A few weeks ago
Lizzie went to a birthday party.
Unfortunately, she didn't have a very good time. She said the birthday girl spent all her time
with her other friends and not her. But
when I picked her up the mom gushed, "Oh, your Lizzie is SO polite!" It was interesting to me because in recent
weeks I've heard that from other adults about Sam and Ellie, too. It makes me think that there must be an awful
lot of impolite little kids in Pleasantville if mine are coming off better in
comparison. I know my kids and I know
how rude they can be. But everyone
else's must be awful!
*****************************
Speaking of bad
behavior...Ellie's latest ploy whenever she gets in trouble is to shriek,
"You don't love me!" Sigh...I
don't remember the boys ever pulling that one on me. Lizzie hasn't either, but that's probably for
other reasons. We were in Hy-Vee one
night recently and I took away her mini shopping cart because she continually
rammed it onto her siblings heels. Oh,
boy, was she angry. She yelled,
"You don't love me!" and ran to the opposite end of the aisle. Then, she refused to stand by me in the
check-out lane and when I tried to put her in the cart, she splayed her legs
open so they wouldn't go in the leg holes.
About a night later she got ahold of my key fob and pushed the panic
button on it. Of course, I was in a
different part of the house so it took me awhile to get to her, find what she
did with the fob, and get my van quiet again.
That same night, she took antibacterial cream and Glade spray and put
them all over the mirror in her bedroom.
I remember reading a story when I was a kid about a little boy that was
kidnapped. He was so terrible that the
kidnappers ended up returning him before they ever got to their destination.
That would be
Ellie.
***************************
A week ago I was
up to my eyeballs in cooking. We had two
out-of-town guests for a couple of nights - Nathanael and Eric came down to
hunt with Will and some other guys from church.
They had a good haul altogether - 8 deer. David shot his very first on Sunday. He was so pleased!
Butchering Day
happened Tuesday. I helped a little, but
not much. However, I did package all the
meat, which was quite a job - several hundred pounds. We ended up buying another freezer because we
just didn't have room in ours. It's a
nice problem to have, minus the $300 for a new freezer part...Will said he may
buy it off me someday when he has his own place.
Tomorrow Will
leaves with Eric, his father, and grandfather for a few days down in southern
Iowa for even more hunting. They're
staying in a hotel. So I suppose it's
just as well I got the additional freezer.
Eric is a superb shot and gives most his meat to us.
********************************
Will finally had
his root canal on Wed. By Sunday his gum
was beginning to puff up and I knew that was infection coming back. He wouldn't let me open it up, though. Wed. morning his face was visibly puffy. So, he had his appointment early that
afternoon. The dentist did lance his gum
which was just full of pus, I guess. Will said that was the worst part.
Then he did the root canal. He
discovered that Will had 5 roots, which is a lot. The dentist said he had not
seen that in 12 years, commenting that when he was in dental school he watched
a dentist do one with 7 roots, which was highly unusual. Most people only have 3. He couldn't see the other two when he drained
the tooth twice before. So, that's why
it kept getting so sore so quickly.
Since the tooth had a temporary seal on it, there was nowhere for the
pus to go except for into his gums.
Yuck!
So now we let that
heal and then he needs an appointment for the crown.
I bet Dr. Fuller
is going to eventually stop taking any calls from our house. Between Will's extra roots and my
"cement-like" teeth (his words) he's not going to want to have
anything to do with our mouths!
******************************
Well, I need to
get going here. I have dinner plans with
a friend who is only in Iowa for another day.
I need to hear all about her love life (she's younger than me). Earlier today David said in all seriousness,
"I think you need to get out of the house." Evidently, I was appearing stressed to
him. I was able to tell him I was
already on it!
I'm actually in a
pretty good mood today. Sadly, I think
that's because Christmas is finally over.
I'm pretty sure that's not the right attitude to have.
This may be my
last post for the year, I don't know.
I'm not exactly regarding the new year with anticipation. I'm kind of nervous about a few things - the uncertainty of my job, starting college
again, Ben's graduation...
But I won't be
alone.
Which is
reassuring, particularly when I really stop to think about the truth of those
words.
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