Day 873
Friday
I'm tired. It has been a week where I have had nearly no
time to even sit. I've been constantly
running, running, running. I haven't
gotten a lot of sleep and this morning I woke up with a migraine (pretty much
gone, now, though). Next week might be
better.
We've officially started
the "birthday madness" that descends on our house this time of year,
every year. Sam had his 8th birthday
yesterday. He woke me up one minute
before my alarm was set to go off telling me, "I'm so excited!" I brought cupcakes to his class yesterday,
thinking I'd dash in and out. I had
asked his teacher for a good time of day to do this and she told me,
"2:30." So, obedient parent
that I am, I even showed up a few minutes earlier - only to discover the class
was in "Guidance" and would be for another 15 min. By the time we got things wrapped up and back
out to the van, cars were already lined up for the pick-up line that occurs
every afternoon. I was stuck - and none
too happy about that! Ugh, ugh, ugh..
But we had a nice
celebration at home - once I got there.
Arien came over, even, and we had taco soup, per Sam's request. It was a really good night, I thought, if a
noisy one. I suppose that's a given any
time you get all the kids together at once.
This afternoon I had to
pick up Sam from school for his annual eye appointment. Then we went to the pet store and he picked
out his first pet, a hamster. One of his
presents yesterday was a cage. They had
me fill out some form while they scooped Sam's choice into a little box. I didn't really read it much, but basically I
was promising to provide for the animal and not feed it to a cobra or
something. I overheard Sam say to the
employee that he felt bad for the other hamster left all alone in the cage
now. The clerk assured him that some other person will adopt the other hamster really soon, too! It's a little boy hamster, about 3
months old. He looks a lot like the one
I had when I was Sam's age. Sam named
him "Chocolate Chip." I'm not
sure why. He hissed at Sam all the way
home. I did not know hamsters did that.
Sam's no dummy, even if his
knowledge of animal reproduction is a bit hazy.
He commented last night that he thought he should get a girl hamster so
then, "maybe she'll have babies and I'll get more hamsters!"
****************************
Tuesday night we went to
the annual "pumpkin party" held at Valley Church. It was our first year to go. They have this for three straight nights
every Oct. The first night is always for
special needs families. Because of that
I dragged Ben along, but he tells me he's not going again next year. I wonder if that means we'll need to attend
one of the "regular" nights instead?
I hope not. I imagine it would be
even more crowded. There were a number
of special needs adults there that night but they were all obviously more
mentally impaired than Ben is because they were having a great time and Ben was
only enduring the waiting and noise.
The Littles absolutely
loved the evening, though. There was SO
much offered - so much that we couldn't do it all, much to the kids'
disappointment. They had inflatables,
photo booths, the "real" Elsa and Anna (according to the girls) where
you could take photos. They had a
balloon artist, carnival games, science projects, a science show, a caricature
artist, pony rides, face painting, tattoos - and I'm sure more things we never
even saw because we just didn't get there.
It was all completely free. I think
we'll do it again but I may see if I can get someone to go with me next year
because I was exhausted by the evening's end!
The kids had different interests and I couldn't get each of them to the
places they each wanted to go. Maybe I
should bring two someone else's - one for each little kid!
************************************
A couple of weeks ago our
church had their fall festival. It was a
warm day (this has been one of the warmest Octobers I remember) and the kids
were in sandals. Ellie had been jumping
on the inflatables and then wanted to go for a pony ride. I told her she needed to put her shoes back
on first. She innocently asked,
"Why? So the horses don't poop on
my feet?" Yeah...something like
that.
*************************
I had another surprise,
anonymous gift from someone in the church.
It was given to me on a Wednesday night a few weeks ago - a check for a
$100. Very much appreciated. And then two days later my van was returned
to me with a new, metal radiator instead of the plastic, factory installed one
that cracked this summer. I had
previously paid for the new radiator but I wanted to also pay for the
labor. So, when I asked my friend what I
could give him he scratched his head and said, "Oh? Maybe a hundred dollars?"
No coincidences with my
God!
*********************************
I was thinking about the
hymn, "My Faith has Found a Resting Place," recently. It was weird.
I heard it on my mp3 player one day which prompted my thoughts. And then later that same day I heard the song
again, this time a different version. I
must really like that song, to have two
versions on my device! Anyway, I
was mainly thinking about the title.
"Faith" has become a popular
word. Instead of saying, "I am a
Christian," people will say, "Well, my faith was what really
sustained me," or, "I really needed my friends, my family - and my
faith," and so on. There's nothing false
about what they're saying, but it seems less offensive than outright claiming
the name of Christ or even directly referring to God. Maybe I'm too sensitive? It's just something I've caught more and more
frequently when listening to others. And
of course, a person's faith can be pretty individual. It might be in the Savior of the World,
Jesus, - or it might be Mohammad. It might be placed in a personal faith in
Christ - or it might be in a deeply rooted religious tradition one is born
into. It's kind of ambiguous.
And then, of course, people
have faith in all kinds of things with no religious connotations. They are encouraged to have faith in
themselves, to have faith that things will turn out ok, to have faith in the
legal system and in our political leaders and on and on.
But this song - My faith
has found a resting place, not in device nor creed. I trust the ever-loving God, His wounds for
me shall plead...I need no other argument, I need no other plea, it is enough
that Jesus died, and that he died for me.
I wrote that from memory, so
I may not have it exactly right. But
anyway, my faith has found a resting place. There's something secure to place its value
upon. It's like when dollar bills used
to be backed up by precious metals.
Those bills rested in the value of their secure backing. My confidence doesn't need to flit from one
thing to another. There's Someone secure
in which I can place it. It's settled,
which means my heart can be, as well.
Anyway, just some thoughts
as I put some more miles on my van one day.
*****************************
I had to take Ben to Iowa
City on Wed. for his dental check-up. He
did great - no cavities. We saw a
different dentist this time, for some reason.
He was not so confident that Ben's wisdom teeth removal is years off
yet, like the one we saw last spring seemed to indicate. I'm not going to worry about it, though.
While Ben was in there,
another patient came in, a black man with Downs Syndrome. He was so friendly and gregarious and had the
room in stitches. Some non-residents had
come in to observe and this man informed one that he was, "too
skinny." He also insisted on
examining the hair of the other one and told him he saw some gray in
there. He told everyone that he would be
turning 40 this month. Someone asked
him, "Oh - when?" He replied,
"In December." I bet he brings
his mother (she was in the waiting room) a lot of joy. I have not seen a lot of black people with
Downs Syndrome. Maybe that's just
because there are fewer black people in comparison to whites. The percentages might be the same. Sadly, I know that more black babies are
aborted than any other race and over all the races, now, 90% of all babies with
Down Syndrome get aborted, too. But
could there be a genetic component too?
Are white people more likely to produce a baby with Downs? I don't know.
When we were at the Pumpkin
party the other night, the girls were telling me, "Oh, there's someone
like Marissa!" Marissa is Ben's
friend and teammate who experiences DS.
My kids recognize the tell-tale signs now from spending time with
her. All the Littles seem to be
developing real compassion for special needs individuals. Sam has a boy in his class who has some needs
- I'm not sure what they are, but he has a one-on-one and Sam has mentioned to
me how he tries to sit by and play with this boy for the simple fact that he
recognizes he has needs and he wants to be a friend.
Makes me happy.
Saturday
Ellie came home this week
reciting the pledge of allegiance. She
does pretty well, even though she says, "...under God, invisible, wif
liberty..." It's cute. They're teaching them at the preschool. I think that's great. I was actually kind of surprised when Sam and
Lizzie began reciting it after school started.
I didn't know if schools even did that anymore. Actually, it was kind of funny. Lizzie was irritated that I had never taught
her the pledge. I don't know - in
between teaching math facts, reading, grieving, cooking, and endless
laundry...it just kind of slipped my mind.
*****************************
I have no power in part of
my house right now - no tv in the living room, nothing in the main bathroom, no
light in my closet, no hallway light, no tv in my bedroom, and no step
lights. Argh...and Will won't be home
until late tonight. And my only
flashlight is pretty puny. I need to buy
a big flashlight and then padlock it to my wall so the kids don't steal it.
***********************************
A week ago Friday night was
senior recognition night at the football game.
Since Ben helps out with the team, he was recognized, too. That was kind of neat, getting to walk across
the field with him while they read his names, the names of his parents
(including Paul's), his siblings, and his future plans. It made me remember when we did this three
years ago with Will.
When I was talking with the
coach earlier that week via email he made the comment that Ben is "an
awesome kid who comes from an even better family." I don't know why that touched me so
much. Maybe because I don't always feel
like I'm doing a good job with the "family" part.
***************************************
We have the cutest little
chipmunk living somewhere in our yard. I
can't remember ever getting to see one so often and so close. He's always popping up and running around the
yard. None of the kids has been
successful at catching him yet - which is a good thing. He probably wouldn't be so cute, captured.
**********************************
I went up to DMACC this
week and had an appointment with an academic advisor. He was super nice and kept praising me for
taking this "big step" of checking out college. I had this idea that all I would need to do
is take classes for a few years from DMACC and after awhile, I'd have my
degree.
Nothing is ever as easy I
hope it will be.
It turns out that I have
too many credits for DMACC. I guess
three years of college will do that to you.
DMACC is more of a "starter" school for people that want their
bachelors or a place to get an associates degree. But it's not a place to finish a
bachelors. So, I now have in my
possession an armful of college brochures and I have to find the time to go
through them, sit down with their advisors, and figure out what I'm going to
do. Plus, I'm going to have to pay for
it. DMACC would have been free with all
the financial aid I'd be eligible for.
Sigh...
But, there are actually a
few local colleges that specialize in people like me, who have lives but want
to finish up a degree. And the guy at
DMACC assured me that they are all regionally accredited, which is important.
Will also suggested I check
out Liberty University. He reminded me
that a friend of ours just earned her bachelors - completely on-line. She travelled out there this spring for her
graduation and that was her first trip to Virginia. On-line would be really good for me.
I do have a better idea
now, though, of what I could major in.
As I went over some stuff with the advisor it occurred to me that a
generic degree in English might be just the thing. I'm good at it and since it's such a general
area of study, it would translate into more than one line of work
post-graduation.
So I need to get copies of
my transcripts and I need to sit down with these brochures and I need to make
some phone calls and set up appointments.
I need more time in my days.
*************************************
This last school year, Ben
is only actually at school two days a week.
Two of the days he is at COC, working, and another day he works all day
at Hy-Vee. So, for the days he's gone,
he has to bring a lunch. I always make
them. But the other night, he started
making his own lunch. I said, "Oh,
I can do that for you!" but then I had the second thought of realizing
that lunch making is a skill Ben really needs to master on his own. So, I left him alone.
Until I found a pile of
bread on the counter. I asked him what
the deal was and he replied, "Oh, those all have holes in them!"
************************************
The kids got their
"Daddy quilts" a week ago. It
was quite a labor of love from people that don't even know us. My friend and neighbor, Lynne, had taken all
of Paul's clothing that summer he died, promising to get some quilts made up
for us. I got mine a year later. And now the kids have theirs. They're each a twin sized blanket - lots and
lots of work represented in them. And each
has a verse stitched in the center. I
vauguely remember picking out the verses that first summer.
They're primarily made out
of denim, so they're very heavy quilts, too, which means the kids won't need
quite so many blankets on their bed this winter.
**************************************
I took the Littles to Night
Eyes at the zoo for the first time tonight. It's
an annual Halloween tradition here in Des Moines. But I've just never gone until this
year. I think there is a part of me that
is still trying to figure out new traditions for our family by trying different
things.
Night Eyes was so-so, in my
opinion, although the kids seemed to enjoy it.
It was a lot of walking and a lot of standing in lines and a lot of
people. And there really wasn't that much to it, I didn't
think. But as darkness fell and the
ropes of Halloween lights lit up and the tree leaves at the zoo rustled, it was
kind of a neat, spooky feeling. It
occurred to me that something like this would be a fun date. And that made me miss Paul.
I would have liked to have
been there tonight with him, sans children. It would have been kind of romantic to walk
hand-in-hand in the darkness, finding contentment with eachother and mulling over more dreams
for our future. I miss him.
Still.
But not as much as I used
to.
I wonder if some of this
longing was actually prompted by memories, too.
I will never forget Halloween night, 1994. I was a day past my due date with Will and so
that night, Paul and I walked the streets of Council Bluffs, hoping to get my
labor going (it didn't work). I have
such fond memories of that evening, as we dodged excited trick or treaters, our
feet crunching the fallen leaves, holding hands, dreaming about the baby that
would soon make us a family.
I think that memory may be
why I love Halloween so much.
It could be the chocolate,
too.
This year, my kids are
wearing their costumes FOUR times. They
wore them Tuesday night to the Great Pumpkin party out at Valley Church. They wore them tonight. They will wear them Thursday to school. Apparently they have something called a
"Halloween Parade" which is stirring up vague recollections of my 2nd
grade year when I attended public school.
I think we did something like that.
And then Friday night is trick or treating. At least they're getting some mileage out of
them.
I know a number of people
who don't celebrate Halloween and that's fine.
I can definitely see and respect their position on that. There are
aspects of the holiday that make me a little bit spiritually queasy and
sometimes I wonder if I've embraced it a little too much. In fact, just tonight I read an article where
the author talks about a church that sponsored a "Zombie Walk" at
Halloween. The author then went on to
say that she doesn't believe Halloween is Biblical and neither does her church
- of which she's the pastor. So she got
convicted about Halloween but not the whole women-shouldn't-be-pastors
thing? Whatever. When the kids came home with notes telling
parents about next Thursday's parade at school and the fact that they are to
wear their costumes I actually wondered - well, what about the kids whose
families don't do Halloween? But maybe
those families don't believe in public school, either.
*****************************
I had some other things to
write, but I'm going to wrap this up. I
am tired. And it has taken me two days
to write this much.
Tomorrow my article about
Paul's death comes out. I am really
trying to not be prideful, but I'm excited to have others read my words. I imagine some church somewhere where a
hurting widow is sitting, trying to convince herself she's where she needs to
be, but, in reality, wishing she was
anywhere but in church that morning. It
hurts too much, still. But then, she
picks up this little bulletin insert, mostly in an effort to avoid having to
make eye contact with anyone (because she's so tired of seeing the pity
reflected in others' eyes), reads my story, and feels comforted and encouraged
in her widowhood walk from someone a little bit farther down the path.
That's what I really hope
happens.
