August 7, 2015
Day 794
I am fighting a migraine today - 3 fiornal so far and
it's only somewhat beat into submission.
I woke up with this one around 6am.
And of course, the kids are their most argumentative, slow-to-obey, and
loud today...maybe it only seems that way because my head is so sensitive.
I've had a lot of headaches in recent months. I see my
neurologist on the 24th. I know
he's going to want to put me on a daily medication, but I do not want to do
that - mainly because the ones I've tried before have adverse side reactions,
like weight gain.
It suddenly occurred to me within the last week or so
that maybe my headaches are related to my eyes.
I started having trouble with my sight the same summer Paul died, which
baffled me since only 3 months earlier I'd had a new prescription filled. I assumed it was a physical manifestation of
grief. But they've never gotten better
and lately I've noticed that in addition to early morning blurriness (only with reading,
thankfully) I am now having it at night, too.
So, I am going to a different eye doctor on the 17th and I'm sure he'll
tell me that I need stronger bi-focals, which means I'll have to buy new glasses
and sunglasses. Since my prescription is
already so strong for that left eye affected by the stroke, it will expensive
to get the glasses. But - I can't go on
like this, either.
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I'm waiting for a phone call from David right now telling
me I can pick him up at church. He's
been gone for 2 weeks, which is the longest we've ever been apart in his 16
years. He leaves again Monday for
Detroit, but at least I'll have him for a couple of days!
*******************************
I had a phone call last night from Ellie's
preschool. She will start on Sept. 8. No
word yet on whether or not I qualify for a scholarship. I don't care if I do or not - she's going,
regardless! Actually, her behavior has
not been quite so terrible the last couple of weeks. But, Lizzie's has deteriorated. I guess if one is up, the other is down -
??
I had hoped for Ellie to be able to attend mornings so
she could nap in the afternoon, but the school asked if there was any way I
could do afternoons instead and I reluctantly said ok. They have
two daycares bringing in their kids in the morning (talk about
job-shifting!) and are up to 30 kids for
their morning program. As far as I knew,
they only have two employees, but maybe they'll hire more now. I'd rather not have Ellie in such a big class
anyway. It's easy to get
overlooked. Although, I have a feeling
Ellie could be in a group of a 100 and still manage to grab the attention of
all around.
We were in Walmart the other day and Ben was pushing one
cart with Ellie in it. I was up ahead
with another cart and Lizzie ran up to me, absolutely mortified. She said they had passed by an obviously
Muslim employee and Ellie loudly asked her, "Why are you a Muslim?" Argh...
When we were at the zoo a couple of weeks ago we made a
bathroom trip after eating in one of the restaurants. A mom
was taking her son into the bathroom with her and Ellie got this funny look on
her face and then said to the mother, "You know he's a boy,
right?"
Lizzie got a postcard this week from her teacher for this
year at school. She was pretty
excited. Now I know who she has - wonder
whose room Sam has been assignd to?
We were shopping for lunch bags this week. I didn't see a single metal lunch box. I guess those have fallen out of favor. All the stores have are insulated bags, as
well as some that are more square shaped.
And you have to buy the thermoses separately. I haven't shopped for lunch boxes since Will and Ben were
kindergarteners, I don't think. I assume
they had them, anyway. Or did they eat
hot lunch every day? I don't
remember. Anyway, the kids approached
this decision with great care. Well, it
was all over the second Lizzie saw a Frozen bag. She wouldn't consider anything else. But Sam looked and looked and even insisted
on going to a couple of different stores.
He was leaning towards a camo printed bag and then said, making me
smile, "I know this sounds crazy because I'm such a hunter, but I think
I'm going to go with this yellow bag instead!" In the end, he actually opted for a Batman
bag, complete with a little cape.
***************************
A real tragedy occurred yesterday in New Sharon, which
isn't terribly far from us. I mean, it's
far enough that I don't go there regularly, but I remember when we were house hunting,
we even considered looking at a house there.
Three brothers, ages 16, 13, and 10 were killed when their car was hit by a
truck. Losing one child would be
terrible enough - but three? Oh, my
goodness. I don't know anything about
the family, but I wonder if these were their only children. Not that that really matters - having other
kids isn't going to make up for the loss of another. That is going to be a difficult funeral. And what about the driver? It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong,
from what I've heard so far. He's 41 but
for the rest of the life he will have to live with the terrible knowledge that
he was involved in this accident that took the lives of these brothers.
PS: Tonight a GoFundMe ad for this family popped up on my
newsfeed. I wasn't even bothered by it,
so great the scope of this tragedy.
Based on a picture that was posted, it looks like the boys had a couple
of sisters. Already, $29,000 has been
raised through the site for the family, which is good. That will cover the funerals and head
stones. Although, I would hope they'd
get a discount on the funeral services since they'll do the funeral
together. And I know there are some
casket companies that offer children's coffins for heavily discounted prices or
even for free. But in a horrific time
of unexpected grief, who would go
searching on-line for deals?
**************************
I was listening to the news today and they were doing a
bit on the California wildfires. They
interviewed a woman who had escaped her home with only her dogs. She commented tearfully, "This has been
so hard on my chihuahuas!" Doing a
bit of a face palm right now...
A couple of weeks ago we had a terrific storm. Maybe I wrote about it already. We had had one storm already that
morning. Around 4 it began to storm
again and it didn't quit for the next 4-5 hours. Torrential rains.
It just wouldn't quit.
I remember debating because I really needed to get out and feed David's
rabbit as well as go up to City Hall and do the water. But when I weighed those responsibilities
against the potential of being electrocuted, I decided to stay indoors! Around 10 that night I spied some water on
the basement floor, which concerned me.
I called Will at camp and we eventually determined that the sump pump
just needed to be jiggled (and replaced soon).
Once I did that, it drained and further inspection revealed that no
water was seeping in anywhere down there.
It helps that I live on a hill and have a new basement. Plus, I think Paul did a really good job of
sealing it up. I remember he put layer
after layer of tar on the outside of the bricks which I assume is for wetness
protection.
I heard later that we got over 8" of water that
night. Some people in our church had
some really significant basement flooding.
I heard stories of it coming through the walls itself and bubbling up
through the floor. I'm so thankful I was
spared that kind of mess! The
Checkerboard restaurant in Pville, which was always where Paul and I went, and
where the kids and I went this summer to commemorate his death was so affected
that they were closed for awhile and lost a number of the antiques they had in
their basement store. The school's
baseball team was preparing to go to the state meet and had to practice
elsewhere because the field was too flooded.
*****************************
Every week I get a poorly written paper from
Pleasantville. They always have a little
paragraph highlighting old paper news from 25 and 50 years ago. This week they had a story that happened 50
years ago this same week. A couple in
Swan (in town or out on the highway, I don't know) had a water heater that
wasn't working. So they both went down
into their basement and lit a match to see what was going on - and blew up
their house. They were seriously burned
and taken to a "Collins Hospital" which I have never heard of. I wonder if they recovered? I'm curious, too, if it was a house here in
town. I've heard numerous stories of
houses that used to be here but burned
down at one time or another. I
suppose that used to be more common when people relied more on wood heat and
especially in pre-electricity days. Still, regarding this news story I read - I'm
sure they had flashlights back in 1965.
Although, maybe their house was like mine, where they actually own
roughly 13 flashlights but only 2 can be found when the need arises and those
two always have dead batteries and of course, the battery box has 0 of the needed replacement batteries. Maybe that's why they lit a match instead.
************************
I finished watching that movie this week that I mentioned
in my last post. It kind of fizzled out
the more it went on. But for awhile
there it was making me so sad to watch it.
I finally realized why it was.
The female lead - the ex-wife - was getting all this attention from her
ex-husband, who has decided he is, once-again, in love with her and they
rekindle their romance for a short time - which was not a good idea since the
ex-husband has moved on and remarried.
He had traded in his first wife for a younger, firmer model and he's
struck with the stupidity of that decision and finally appreciating the beauty
of his ex-wife even though, physically, she can't compare to his current
wife.
I don't think it was just the looks thing, either. He and his ex had a history and when you have
a long history with someone you love them more and they are more attractive to
you because your lives have been so interwoven for so long. I was beginning to discover that after only
20 years of marriage. What would it have
been like after 30 or 40?
I'll never know.
That's what makes me sad.
It occurred to me the other day that I have had the last
name of, "Heywood" longer now than I ever did my maiden name.
After Paul had
been dead for about a year I found myself ready to seek out some on-line widows
groups. I joined three and unjoined one
this week. I haven't been overly active
in any of them, other than to offer the occasional word of comfort or
encouragement to someone not as far along this path as I am. I have a couple of new, Christian friends that were
widowed around the same time as me and we chat pretty regulary on FB, so that
has probably been my biggest source of personal encouragement, rather than these
groups. Sometimes in these groups a new
widow(er) joins and they are in the early stages of grief, completely
overwhelmed by loss and emotion. They
pour it out into posts and a lot of the times I don't even say anything in
response. I suppose it cuts a little too
close to what I've been through and I also know that not a whole lot can be
said in the early days that's going to make a long-term difference. I know this is a time when they need to hear from people like me, but there are days I just can't give it.
Anyway, one thing I have been bothered by since joining
these groups is the number of widows that seem anxious to jump into the dating
game. I mean, I totally understand that
on one hand. Widowhood is lonely and
scary. It's not fun to be a single in a
world of couples. I have a lot of little
kids who are anxious to hang all over me
at times but it's not the same as the
loving touch of a man. I understand, completely, that marriage is
familiar and when we've had what's most familiar to us ripped away, we're
anxious to regain at least some semblance of that again.
I get it.
A few months ago I read, "Confessions of a Mediocre
Widow" by Catherine Tidd and absolutely loved the book. I now follow her blog and and on
Facebook. But even she relates in her
book how she ran off to the Caribbean with another guy just 4 months after her husband was killed in a
motorcycle accident. Ugh. I can't do it. Not that I've had suitors banging on my door
in any way (other than that one pesky neighbor, who, unfortunately, is up to
his old tricks again, as of this week) wanting to transport me to an island paradise. I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm middle aged
and come loaded with small children might be a bit of a turn-off.
Sometimes I do think ahead to the day when the time is
right. I'd like to think God would just
drop someone on my doorstep (but NOT the neighbor) or at least have him be a
mutual friend of someone trustworthy or something like that. Which could happen. But, the truth is, the vast majority of
dating situations anymore begin on-line.
I'm not against meeting people that way, but what happens when you
decide to meet for the first time? How
do you know that the person you've just connected with doesn't kidnap women and
torture them in his garage? I think I
would be such a nervous wreck that I'd accidentally mace my date or at least come off looking
like a complete ninny because of obvious nervousness.
Thinking ahead, I guess the common sense thing to do is
to google somebody before you actually meet them. Then, drive yourself the first few times and
meet in a public place. I'm not even so
sure I'd be against hiring someone to do a background check on them before I
got too involved.
Maybe the problem is that I think too much? Especially when this isn't even a real
concern at the moment?
I've been bothered in one group when these lonely widows
brag about doing "sleepovers" with their new men and of course,
they're nervous and looking for validation that what they are about to do is
ok. I've just frowned and continued to
scroll down my page. But then this week
one member of the secular group got the "cute" idea to declare
Wednesdays as "Wicked Wednesdays" and soon everyone was posting dirty
memes. I didn't have to view too many of
those to decide that it was time for me to beat a hasty retreat out of this
group altogether. While I was at it I quit unfollowing
Paul's uncle because he, too, has been broadcasting his dirty mind quite
publicly lately. I don't have to look at
that stuff. I shouldn't be looking at
that stuff.
I read a great little book this spring when Will was
writing a paper on the Christian and hardships.
Actually, what happened was he brought home a small stack of books he
had checked out of Faith's library and said, "Here - you might want to
read these before starting my paper."
Uh, huh. I did read one, though, entitled, "When a Father Dies" by a
Gladys Somebody or other. This little
gem was written 50 years ago and I loved, loved, loved that she addressed the
subject of the widow and sex. I have an
entire shelf of new widow books and do you know not ONE of them brings up this
all-important subject? And we live in the modern age when anyone and everyone
chatters about it! Anyway, her basic
premise was that sex is NOT a requirement to living a full life and that yes,
these desires aren't going to magically die with our husbands. But God's grace is sufficient to carry us
through the loss of that part of the relationship as well. If we profess Christianity, then we have to
accept what the Bible says on this subject,
which is, sex is for marriage. If
you're not married, then you don't get to have it. Widows aren't married. This is going in my book, by the way. I hope I don't embarrass everyone I know by
writing it. But it's important.
This all brings me back, in a very convoluted way, to my
original point of loneliness and how we deal with it. I have more sympathy for the unsaved. They don't know any better. But I've observed several Christian (men) in
recent years, widowed, who sure didn't let the grass even grow in over their
wives' graves before prancing down the aisle again. I don't know that what they did was wrong,
but I do question it. Perhaps one of the
biggest lessons of widowhood is realizing that
We are not in control.
We couldn't control the deaths of our spouses, but yet
the temptation seems to be to control what happens next. Being alone is too difficult so we attempt to
try to control that by jumping into the arms of the first person who will have
us. And maybe what God wants us to learn
is to find our satisfaction, strength, companionship, and contentment in Him
alone. Maybe losing our spouse is only
the first stage of this entire new lesson He wants to teach us - that of
complete dependence and trust in God.
And part of that dependence and trust is waiting on God's timing before
seeking a new romantic relationship.
I'm not even sure where I was really going with this now
- just some thoughts I guess.
*******************************
David is home and full of stories. I think he grew taller
while he was gone and I am sure I heard tones of newfound maturity in his
words. And most of all, I am struck by
how much this boy is like me in his outlook and perspective on so many
things. David even allowed that "got a little
homesick" towards the end of this week.
I don't know why that makes me feel good, but it does. And when I picked him up today he let me hug
him for a long time, which is unusual, although not unexpected (I've had other
teenage boys before him). Eight more
days and they will all be home for good!
For a couple of years, anyway.
I'll soak it up while I can!
.
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