Saturday, October 4, 2014

Day 486


Oct. 4, 2014

Day 486



Busy day today...but groceries are taken care of for another month.  I am limping now, though, as a result of my shopping day.  I had so many groceries tonight at Walmart that the clerk suggested we ought to get a second cart after checking out.  Sam was my company today and he was agreeable to pushing one out to the van.  He did, but as we exited the store he ran the cart right over my left heel.  I'd like to say I've never been in so much pain in my entire life, but that's not quite true.  Almost, though.  It isn't really my heel anymore that's hurting as much as it is the joint at the  top of my foot, where it connects to the leg.  I wonder if it got jammed by that sudden assault.


It's been a busy week.  Well, they all are, I guess.  But this one has been especially busy.  Actually, this entire month looks kind of insane.  I don't know what it is about fall time that ramps up the schedule.  Maybe it's just the rush before we settle down into our burrows for winter.


Last night some friends and I were making 14 pizzas for Deb's son's rehearsal dinner tonight.  I was more than happy to help, but, wow, that took a long time!  I carted them home because I have the most fridge/freezer space and when I got home I had sticky crust dough and sauce on the back of my seats (stow n go seating) in my mini van.  I was so tired already and I had to clean that up, haul the pizzas inside, and get myself to bed.  And then I got a text at 12:30 in the morning!  The beeping of my phone woke me an hour later.


It's been kind of a rough week with Ellie, behavior-wise, which wears on me both physically and mentally.  As far as I know, she is a perfectly normal preschooler, cognitively.  But she is worse than I remember Ben being at this age.  And he was terrifying!


One day Lizzie pointed out to me slash marks all over the wooden furniture in their bedroom.  It looked like someone had taken a knife, went around the room, nicking furniture rather systematically.  Sure enough, one of Will's knives (a huge one) was out, blade extended.  I called Will about it later and he was shocked.  He didn't know he had left that thing where it was accessible - not that the kids are allowed in his bedroom, anyway.  It had been carefully placed back on his bedside table, but I was pretty confident Will would not leave the blade out like that, which was an indication to me that someone small had been handling it.  I was about shaking when I realized what had happened.  Ellie could have been killed or horribly injured.  I eventually did get her to confess and she was in terrible trouble as a result of her behavior, but how do I keep this from happening again?


I've had two "scissor" incidents with her this week, as well.  She isn't allowed to have scissors at all, as a result of previous scissor incidents.  But she found some somewhere and hacked the mane and tail off one of Lizzie's My Little Ponies.  Tonight Lizzie went to bed and discovered, underneath her pillow, the cut hair from her big hairstyling doll.  It was almost creepy.  She picked up her pillow to fluff it for the night, and laying underneath the pillow was all the hair from her doll!  And this is two crimes, actually.  Ellie is not allowed to climb to the top bunk because of her lack of proper fear.  I can't tell you the number of times she has been punished for that very thing.


I am at about my wit's end.  I've decided she can't take naps upstairs anymore.  Short of tying her to the bed, I can't get  her to stay in it.  And when she gets out, she does terrible things to other people's things.  I'm just not sure how I'm going to keep her alive and uninjured.  She's a menace to herself.


And she's not the only one.  The same day that we had the knife incident, David informed me that he caught Sam and Lizzie riding their bikes down the backyard slide.  Argh...So, we had a long talk about neck and spinal cord injuries and what life would be like as a quadriplegic.


Paul was so much better at this type of stuff.


There was one side-splitting moment in the midst of all this, though.  The other day when Lizzie discovered her poor, shorn pony, she was, naturally, very upset with Ellie.  She ranted and raved for a bit and then dramatically intoned, "You have brought shame to our family!"  Oh, man, I about died on the spot!  I kept it in, though, and continued to glare at Ellie, but I was biting the insides of my cheek!




I'm just worn out.  I'm honestly not dealing with the depression that I was a month or so ago, anymore, but I am so weary.  I was thinking today that the past 3 years and now this one, have been really grueling years for me for a number of different reasons..  This started before Paul's death.  I'm tired of fighting and trying to hold my head up.  I'm just plain tired, really!


The school thing is still on my mind.  Out of the absolute blue, Lizzie said to me this week, "I want to go to school!"  I know I questioned her as to why, but I can't remember what she said now.  But I do remember wondering - is this a sign?  I have not said a single word to her or around her about my thoughts.


My thinking up to this point has really been only considering sending Lizzie next year.  Even though he's older, Sam is still kind of my "baby" and I'm not ready to let him go yet.  But we were walking through the mall today and I casually asked him what he thought about the idea of maybe someday going to school.  Sam clasped his hands together and exclaimed, "Oh, I've always wanted to go to school!"  He has?  But I remember when David was about his age he began saying how much he wanted to go to school, too.  After we began to question him, we soon figured out that all he was really interested in was riding a school bus!


So Sam and I talked quite a bit today about some of the negative things that could happen in a school setting.  Finally, I told him that perhaps next spring we could visit the local school and sit in on the 2nd grade classroom for a few hours and he liked that idea.


I don't know anything right now, though.  I keep thinking of the verse in Galations 6 that encourages us to "not become weary in well-doing..."  Is that all this is?  Am I supposed to keep pressing onward through these tough days in order to not ruin my children and give them the best possible education and upbringing?


Or, do I need a break?  Maybe I don't need to look at school as a permanent thing.  Maybe a year is all I need to regain some sense of balance in my life.  I don't know yet.  But there's still plenty of time to pray and seek God's will in this area.  I'm counting on Him providing it!




I just turned the heat on for the first time.  Paul would be calling me a weenie, I think.  He liked to see frost on his toes before cranking on the heat for the first time of the season!


I just ran Ben and David over to church so they can go up to Faithfest.  Will is going to be working with Ben all day and then he'll bring the boys home and take Ben down to Knoxville for me for a Special Olympics fundraiser.


The Littles and I have the wedding this afternoon.  This will be my second wedding in less than 4 months, also my second since Paul died.  I'll be ok.  I think.  The hardest thing will be keeping the Littles corralled during the event and especially the reception, which will be in our church fellowship room which is a small, cramped space.




I narrowly diverted disaster earlier this week, although I'm still pretty grossed out.  I had bought some crescent rolls and one of the tubes popped open on the counter.  So I had to bake them.  I rolled them up and did that.  I was eating one and, fortunately, bit down kind of softly.  I quickly realized that there was something foreign in my roll.  I spit out my food and discovered...a tooth.  Thankfully, it was not my tooth, though.  Lizzie has been losing teeth right and left lately and she had laid one on the kitchen counter that somehow got mixed into the raw crescent roll dough.  Gross, gross, gross...but it could have been worse.  I could have bit down hard and shattered one of my own fragile teeth.



There was one morning this week when I experienced something unique.  I got up and as I was running water for my shower I realized, to my surprise, that for the first time in 480some days, I didn't feel sad.  I probed my psyche like one's tongue will search out an empty spot in the mouth and nope - I was good!  It was so different to feel that.  Now, later, the sadness did return to its normal spot in my  heart and I actually felt better when it did.  But that temporary reprieve was so different and gave me hope for a time in my future when I'll feel that on a more regular basis.


It's coming.







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