Saturday, May 31, 2014
May 31, 2014
It’s so close. Six days and I will have been widowed for one year. The weight of grief, which normally is pretty manageable, is swelling every day. I’m teary-eyed and sad…I wish I wasn’t a “date” person.
But, I will survive. I know that much. I remember the early days when I was positive I could not survive this level of grief. I’ve made it. I’ve been carried for a lot of the journey, but I have survived. It’s kind of a hollow victory, but right now I’ll take all I can get.
I had highlights put in my hair yesterday. I haven’t messed with hair coloring for several years, other than my monthly date with Miss Clairol’s root touch-up kits. Will ever-so-kindly pointed out to me just today that, judging by younger pictures he’s seen of my mom, I’m graying a lot faster than she did – nice of him to notice. I did it for a variety of reasons. I remember when Ben was a year and a half suddenly being seized by the desire to cut my hair very short (it was quite long at the time of his birth). It wasn’t until after I got the haircut that I realized the move was as much symbolic as it was cosmetic. I was picking up the pieces of my life and moving on. I kind of felt that way yesterday when I saw the results of my 2 hours in the stylist’s chair. I don’t know what it’s going to look like, exactly, but I am making forward movements with my life. Hopefully those movements make me a look a few years younger, too!
It’s storming right now as I write this. I probably should get off the computer. But I’m taking advantage of a few minutes of quiet while the girls are in the tub. I’m glad the weather wasn’t like this a week ago tonight. Will had his bachelor party for Nathanael. I would say it was a success. The guys all went out and did some shooting. Then they came back to my house where I fed them. Some embarrassing gifts were given to Nathanael and then Will had games for the guys. When you’re a Christian, you have to be creative with your bachelor parties. The unsaved have it so easy – just go to a strip bar and get drunk! But anyway…Will built a huge bonfire out back. He wouldn’t have gotten very far with that tonight (the rain is coming down in torrents right now – hope it’s not washing away the fresh grass seed Will laid this week). It was a sweet send-off for Nathanael as he embarks on married life. I am thinking I may be the only mom in the history of bachelor parties to ever be invited to one, though.
Nathanael introduced me at the party to his future brother-in-law as his “other” mom. Today, I met his mother-in-law to be at Nathanael’s sister’s graduation party and he did the same thing – totally warms my heart to hear him say that! The wedding is two weeks from today. That will be a long and tiring day.
David had a birthday this week. That was a busy day! We went to Chick-fil-A because that is his favorite restaurant. Then, I needed to run to Target. I ended up finding a dining set for my deck. I’d been looking on Craig’s List and Amazon and Walmart.com, but just wasn’t feeling a peace about anything I found. I found it at Target – all for 1/3 of what I thought I’d be paying. Getting that loaded up pushed me to the edge, time-wise and we barely make it to Learning RX in time! Afterwards, I told David I needed to swing by my friend, Sarah’s house (she’s my stylist), for some “hair” supplies. I thought that was pretty clever of me, considering we were actually going there to pick up a rabbit (hair – hare – get it?) for David. He’s been wanting one for several years now, ever since he got past the trauma of killing his first rabbit years ago. For some reason, Sarah has 9 living in her garage. She hinted that they may be ending up in her freezer before too long. So, Bauer, (named after Jack Bauer from “24”) should probably count himself really, really lucky!
We got home and dashed off to softball. Then, David wanted to go to the Dairy Zone, which is an East side eatery, just a few blocks from the fields. It was dark by then. I was ok, other than needing to keep an eagle eye on Ellie, so she wouldn’t run out onto University Avenue. But then, as we stood at the window to order our ice cream, I happened to notice something in the glass. It was a bullet hole! After seeing that, I was decidedly uneasy about our visit and was very relieved when the last bit of ice cream was slurped down and we could leave!
David ended up blowing out his candles at 10:30 that night. I think that is the latest we’ve ever celebrated a birthday at our house! I didn’t even let the Littles have any cake – just shooed them off to bed with promises of cake for breakfast.
I did get David a new bike for his birthday. He had mentioned that he’d like a decent one so that he could make trips to the cemetery a little easier. How could I not get him one after hearing that?
I’m working on a summary post right now about my first year of widowhood. It’s getting long – longer than I had anticipated when I first decided to write it. I’ve done it piecemeal this last week, but Monday the Littles are going to Mishelle’s and then David, Sam and Lizzie will be at VBS in the evening. So I should have plenty of quiet time to really think and feel as I write. I need to just order another computer for my bedroom so I can do all my writing in peace and quiet. I get too grouchy with the kids when I’m out here in the main rooms, typing away. But anyway, I’m working on that right now. I suppose, in some ways, thinking on that makes this last week of the first year a little bit harder. But it’s something I need to do for me. I’ll slap it up on the blog when I get finished.
A year ago tonight Will’s party was wrapping up. Paul and I were tired! But, oh, what a good day it had been to help our oldest graduate and then to celebrate that accomplishment, surrounded by friends. I remember that we were both so amazed that so many came to the party. We had no idea we mattered to so many people! The next few days were nice days, too, but that party will stand out in our mind as the last family event. I am so thankful God gave that to us.