Day 352

DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW

May 23, 2014

Day 352

Two weeks from today is June 6.  The closer that day gets, the heavier this feeling in my chest becomes.  I don’t like that, but am not sure how to avoid it.  I read two different blog posts this week written by two different widows.  One said to simply not worry about the dates because you tend to dread them.  To my date-oriented mind, that’s just not real practical.  The other author was observing the 3^rd anniversary of her husband’s death and she wrote about how she lights a candle for him and sings, “Happy Heaven Day” now.  I suppose I could do that.  June 6 is a horrible day of remembrance for me, but it has to be the highlight of Paul’s calendar for him – if they even have calendars in Heaven, which I suspect, they do not.

But, glimmers of progress still light my way.  I have been really, really busy all week long.  We got back from vacation Friday afternoon and I hit the ground running the next morning.  I’ve been gone non-stop from my house the entire week.  In fact, I was supposed to be gone today, too, but I finally said, “enough!” and cancelled everything scheduled for today.  I’ve got a bachelor party to get ready for tomorrow and right now, it looks they’ll be eating frozen pizzas and using a dirty bathroom (they won’t, but if the party was today they sure would be!).  So I’ve been in my van a lot this week.  A couple of days ago my mp3 shuffled to Rhema Marvann’s  version of  “No More Night.”

The timeless theme, Earth and Heaven will pass away
It's not a dream, God will make all things new that day
Gone is the curse from which I stumbled and fell
Evil is banished to eternal hell

No more night, no more pain
No more tears, never crying again
And praises to the great, "I AM"
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb

See all around, now the nations bow down to sing
The only sound is the praises to Christ, our King
Slowly the names from the book are read
I know the King, so there's no need to dread

No more night, no more pain
No more tears, never crying again
And praises to the great, "I AM"
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb

See over there, there's a mansion
Oh, that's prepared just for me
Where I will live with my Savior eternally

No more night, no more pain
No more tears, never crying again
And praises to the great, "I AM"
We will live in the light of the risen Lamb

All praises to the great, "I AM"
We're gonna live in the light of the risen Lamb

 

It’s a beautiful, older song that I’ve always loved.  But the other day, as I was driving and listening, I found myself, for what seemed like the first time – and maybe it was – thanking God for taking Paul.  That’s not for my sake.  I’m definitely not to the point yet where I can do that, but I found that I could thank Him for Paul’s sake.  I got chills as I listened just imagining Paul’s delight in Heaven.  I would not take that away from him for anything.

No more night, no more pain, no more tears, never crying again…I can’t wait!

I found out the week before last that Ben was the recipient of a very special award.  His choir at school voted amongst themselves for the “student of the year” and they chose Ben.  I’m just amazed because that child can NOT sing!  But he loves to do it.  Perhaps that’s why they chose him.  They gave him the award the Friday before we left on vacation – totally surprised him.  Then, the next Tues. was the spring concert.  We were gone for that, but they did make a special announcement during the concert about Ben receiving the honor.  We’re going to frame his certificate.

A few weeks ago I received a phone call on a Saturday from one of Ben’s teachers, which surprised me.  But she had just remembered something and wanted to tell me before she forgot (she’s my age – I understand the sentiment!).  She said that Ben had approached her and asked her if she ever dreamed at night.  She told him that it was funny he asked that because she doesn’t normally, but lately she had been having dreams about her dead grandmother.  Ben then replied, “Well, I have a lot of dreams about my dad.”  This was significant because Ben does not like to talk about Paul.  I think it stirs up a lot of emotion inside him and with his autism, he just can’t handle that.  In fact, his teacher told me that they have attempted to try to draw Ben out about this subject, but he always clams up.  I’m pretty sure Ben has a whole lot of emotions about the death of his dad and they are coming out in his dream world.  Maybe it’s God’s way of ministering to him.

Bella has been super affectionate this week.  In fact, the day we got home, she was walking up to me and rubbing her head against my legs, which she never does. Several nights she has slept in my bed – and not just at the foot of it like she does sometimes.  She has plopped her (very big) body right on my chest and burrowed her chin under mine.  I think she missed me!

I thought it was interesting while on our trip, Sam repeatedly talked about how he wondered how Bella was doing without us and how much he looked forward to getting home to her.  This is my child who routinely loses “cat privileges” because he is normally so mean to her!

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This has, obviously, been the saddest year of my life.  But something else sadder than sad has now occurred.  I…deep breath…finally had to succumb and purchase my first Spanx.  My grandma would have called it a “girdle.”  While I know “containment” technology has advanced in the decades since she was my age, it’s still a sad, day day for me.

In the months after Paul’s death, I lost 20 pounds.  I just didn’t have much of an appetite, which is really unfortunate, since people were doing all the cooking for us!  But this winter most of it came back because I wasn’t interested in watching what I ate (like I ever was, anyway) and watched more tv than I normally did in past years.  It came back and settled all into my stomach…sigh…So, since I could no longer suck it in and was having to unbutton my pants every time I sat down, I decided drastic measures were in order (not as drastic as actually cutting out junk food and exercising, though – that’s totally hard core!).  So I hauled myself to Younkers last weekend, begged help from a clerk, and came home with my first piece of flesh-colored, belly-containing elastic.  It’s helping and providing the extra benefit of another layer of clothing, which is nice since I seem to be cold all the time.  Although, that makes me wonder what this summer will be like.  I’m sure not going to wear this thing when it is 90 degrees out.  So, the majority of the time my mid-section will be moderately contained and less jiggly and roll-y.  But on those super-hot Iowa summer days I’m going to have to let it all hang out and that is just going to be really unfortunate and shocking for those that have to look at me.

A sad year, indeed…