DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW
January 21, 2014
Day 229
Today would have been my Grandpa
Daniels’ birthday. He would have been
93, I think, if he were still alive. But
he died in 2001 – my first grandparent loss.
Now they’re all gone. While sad,
those losses were normal and somewhat expected.
All my grandparents lived long and healthy lives and all their children
(save one who died a couple of days after birth) outlived them, as it is
supposed to be.
Today has been a good day, after a
couple weeks of really rough days. Just
the same, I’ve found myself in tears several times today. Granted, I met with my pastor’s wife today
and having someone sit down with me and ask me how I’m doing tends to bring on
the waterworks. Our Bible study was on
God’s great power and the speaker on the video referenced Joseph. Paul loved that Bible character more than any
other, I think. He often talked about
the life of Joseph and identified with him.
I found myself drawing from that, as well. Right now, I’m in the prison with him, I
think. I want to believe that God has
better things in store for me, but I don’t see how Paul’s death fits into
that. How is crushing me supposed to
make for a good life? But maybe there
won’t be a “good” life until Heaven.
And, perhaps, my vision is a bit short-sighted right now, too. There’s always that possibility!
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Last night was our second Amanda
the Panda meeting. A couple of the women
in my group were quite chatty last night (to the point that nobody else really
got to talk). But they both commented
how they know there is no future
happiness for them. They’ll never love
anyone again and their only role right now is to raise their children –
otherwise, they’d be happy to commit suicide.
I could understand that. I’ve had
the same thoughts. But at the same time,
I wanted to fight against that kind of thinking as I listened to them. I want
to believe that future happiness awaits me.
I want to believe that someday I won’t hurt so badly and that maybe,
even someday, I might be able to love another man the way I loved my first
husband. And now I’m a soppy mess again
just typing these things out.
I do see progress, though. I remember right after Paul died trying to
look down the road of my life and I saw nothing. Everything was barren. I would simply exist, do what I had to do,
but my days of happy living were gone – buried right alongside Paul. But now…now, I see some green shoots starting
to grow in that dry, barren path. They’re
tiny little seedlings of hope. There
aren’t many of them and mostly I see the dry ground still, but every so often,
I am spying a tiny green sprout and the sight of one is enough to keep me
walking.
So, back to the group last night: I
wish I was a quick thinker, but I’m never going to be. Someone says something unbelievable to me and
I just stand there and take it. Later, I
suddenly realize what I should have said, but it’s too late. Of course, I probably save myself a lot of
trouble that way, not being able to shoot off at the mouth in response like I wish I could.
Before it started, I was chatting
with one woman. We were both widowed
suddenly in our forties. I mentioned
that I homeschool and she could not believe it.
“Oh, honey!,” she exclaimed, “You have got to put those kids in school!
If you don’t, you’re going to crack up and be no good to them or
yourselves. Even if it’s only for a
year, you get those kids back in school today!” She wouldn’t let it go and all I could muster
up was a feeble, “Well, I didn’t want to impose too many changes on the kids’
lives at this point…” I’m sure she thought she was being helpful in her
blustery, bossy way, but I felt like I’d been run over by a steamroller. Here’s the thing, though…homeschooling is a
calling for me. That doesn’t mean that I’m
listening to God and others who don’t homeschool are not. But I believe that God called me to homeschool my kids, at least for the time being. If the day comes, like it did with Ben, when
God does not wish me to homeschool any longer, He’ll make it clear. That’s
what I wish I would have said to the woman.
For a few moments there, though, I doubted myself. Am I going to eventually crack and go crazy
if I don’t lessen up on my responsibilities?
I know crazy people are the last ones to recognize their own craziness,
but I think I’m doing ok right
now. I haven’t misplaced any children
yet or run outside naked, despite continuing to homeschool through widowhood.
But speaking of doubting one’s
self: David has always been upset with me because I did not wake him up the
night Paul died. Paul had been dead
about 8 hours before any of the kids, except for Will, knew. I remember thinking about it that night,
wondering briefly is I should wake the older boys. But I decided against it because Paul did not
look normal any longer. His skin was
gray, he had a vent in his mouth, a dent in his forehead and blood smeared over
one side of his face. I did not want the
kids to have that image in their mind (now all my readers do, though!). Also, if I woke them, they would be upset and
sleep deprived the next day, which would make for further upset. Looking back, I really am grateful for the
clear head God gave me that night and in the next few days to make
decisions. Part of me felt very detached
from everything and that was the shock that typically insulates the newly and
abruptly bereaved. But at the same time
I was able to function and make decisions that I still think were good
ones. That’s not because I’m such an
amazing person – God was carrying me.
So, even though David has not been real happy with me, I’ve never really
thought that I should have done things differently. It was just this past Sunday night and he and Will and
I were talking once again about the events of that night and David brought it
up again, that he wished I would have awakened him so he could have seen and
said good-bye to his dad.
But then last night at the group,
one of the members was sharing about her husband’s death. He died and she knew it was very important
that her kids get to see him before rigor mortis set in. If they didn’t get that opportunity it could
cause all sorts of emotional upset and seeing their dad was so vital to proper
grieving. So she made sure they got to
the hospital and they got to see him one last time. I began to second-guess myself in that
moment. Maybe David was right. Maybe I had
made a bad decision that night in not awakening him.
God is good. He’s more than that. He is amazing. We got home last night and I was puttering
around and David came to me. He said, “You
know how I’ve always wished you would have woke me up when Dad died?” Trust me, I know! He then told me about
a boy in his group who had shared how he had watched his little brother die a few
months ago in a horrific accident. Now that memory is forever burned into his
mind. David said to me, “Mom, I think
you made the right decision to let me sleep that night. Thank you for not waking me up. This way, I don’t have any bad memories in my
mind of dad.”
Thank you, Lord.
The other morning I was doing
Lizzie’s hair when she asked, “Mom, are you fat?” Such a pleasant way to start one’s day! I asked her what she thought the answer was
to that. Lizzie replied, “Well, I would
say, ‘yes’!” Trying to remember that she
was a chosen child…
Ever helpful, Sam piped up, “Well,
I’ve noticed that most moms are big in their middles!” I think that was attempt to make me feel
better.
And then, the same day, at lunch,
Lizzie looked at me and said, “Mom,when you were younger…” I sensed a question
coming on, probably about color tvs or cameras that didn’t show pictures on the
back. Instead, I heard, “…you were a lot
prettier!” Feeling the love, let me tell
you…
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Will is thinking now about the
possibility of becoming a PE teacher, with the intent of being able to coach
high school football. He’s been
researching programs at some area colleges.
He’ll still do at least one year at Faith, first, though. I could see that being a good fit for
him. I can see him on the football field
better than I can in the pulpit. Time
will tell.
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Today I had to go to town and buy a
new bathtub, surround (walls for the tub), vanity, sink, cabinet, and
light. I had not planned on buying all
this for the new bathroom. The plan was
to simply move everything out of the old bathroom into the new one. I should have known better. Remodeling is never that simple. I wrote last week about the decision to go
with a smaller sink. But when Will
started ripping into the bathtub he discovered it was all corroded underneath. That hurt
because I loved my extra deep, extra wide tub!
Bathtime is the highlight of my day and it has been nothing short of
bliss the last 3 years to be able to sink into that deep tub, full of bubbles. Sigh…I did have my eye on an extra deep
soaker tub at Menards but, but then we went to the Habitat for Humanity resale
store and found a regular size tub for nearly half the price. I actually sat in it right there in the aisle
and to my surprise, it did feel kind of nice, while small. As long as I never get as fat as Lizzie seems
to think I already am, we should be ok.
This tub does have a nice slant to the back, which will make for easier
reading than what I have had the last few years with my other tub. And, I will get a few more inches in my
closet by going with this tub. But,
still…
I did buy a really, really nice
surround, though, to kind of make it up to myself. It looks like tile (without troublesome
grout) and has lots and lots of shelves.
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Monday morning I fell asleep on the
couch after sending Ben off to school. I
was SO tired still! The next thing I
knew, I felt small hands pulling my afghan up around my neck and tucking it in
around my body. When she isn’t intent on
being contrary, Lizzie can be very sweet and nurturing! It felt good to have somebody taking care of
me. I miss
that.
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The kids
were discussing a Sunday School classmate who broke her wrist this last week at
school. They were super-jealous of her
cool, purple cast. Lizzie declared that
she wished she could break her wrist, too.
Sam sighed dramatically and said, “Well, I wish I could break my spine!” He’s always been one to do
things in a big way…
Ellie
was looking at her “Sleeping Beauty” book the other night in church. She got very excited and pointed to a picture
of the King in there. “Jesus, Mommy,
Jesus!” He did have a robe on and
shoulder length hair, so I can see how she thought that. But I had to tell her, no, it was a different
king!
I was
complaining about being cold again the other day. I don’t remember what David said in response,
but I told him that I had been told that being extra cold is often something
that comes the older you get. David
looked at me with a wicked glint in his eye and said, “So I guess the older you
get, the less hot you become, huh?” Ooh,
let me at him!
Feb '12 - we went to the GARB marriage conference. We made a whole weekend of it. It was so special and we told eachother that we'd definitely do it again before too long. Only, we wouldn't. |
I had a dream Sunday afternoon
while napping. It wasn’t a message from
God this time. It was just simply a
dream, brought on by circumstances and feelings, I’m sure.
I was in a cupcake bakery-laundromat. What a combination! You’d think the heat from the dryers would
melt the cupcake frosting. But I was
choosing cupcakes to buy when I felt a pair of arms encircle me. Surprised, I turned around and it was
Paul! For some odd, unexplained reason,
he was shirtless. Oh, I was so excited! We were all over eachother, right there in
the store, hugging and kissing – I’m quite sure that had the dream been real,
we would have been asked to leave the bakery-laundromat! We were putting on
quite a show. He felt exactly like I
remembered. I have forgotten
nothing. I know every plane and contour
of his body, the feel of his body hair, where he was soft, where he was hard,
how he liked to be touched. And then, in
my dream, we were sitting down. My head
was resting on his shirtless chest and I began to sob. They were wild, grief-stricken cries, the
like of which I have rarely engaged in since his death, simply because I am
afraid that if I start, I might never stop.
My heart was completely broken in the dream because I knew it wasn’t
real. Paul was dead and he wasn’t coming
back to me. And so I cried and cried
into his chest, completely broken in that moment.
I woke up with tears streaming down
my face. Even my dreams are
broken-hearted.
Sarah, I said an extra special prayer for you today. Also, I asked Him to fill the void in your kids' lives that Paul's death has caused. You are on my heart.
ReplyDeleteAnd, nobody can know what God is calling you to do better than you. Don't listen to naysayers regarding homeschool. If that's what you're supposed to do, God will give you what you need to follow through. If you're seeking Him (and it seems to me that you are), He'll reveal to you if/when things need to change.
Love you Sarah!
ReplyDeleteRe the homeschooling...I totally applaud you for doing what the Lord is calling you to do, even though it is really hard. One thing I think some people don't "get" is that -- I really believe this -- public school for a bunch of kids might actually be HARDER, depending on your personality. I don't know you well (though feel like I sort of know you because of your blog) but I know for ME, I don't have much patience for teaching that is counter to my belief system about how best to teach a kid. So...if a teacher was, say, focusing on perfect handwriting and giving my boys a hard time, I would be upset. If a teacher was freaking out because my 6 year old doesn't read really well yet and she "should be", I would be very unhappy. With homeschooling, we can put in our time on OUR terms, we don't need to be tired and exhausted and dealing with 3 hours of homework that some random set of teachers sent our kids home with. Most parents I know who have kids in ps are very busy with overseeing homework, and that isn't trivial (esp for a total morning person like myself.) I think following God's lead is vital -- in this case, it may actually be "easier" in some ways.
ReplyDeleteYour decision to not awaken David and the littles was spot-on-wise. It was nice that he was able to affirm it as such. ����
ReplyDelete