Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Day 154


November 6, 2013


Day 154


I am so tired tonight.  But then – it IS 10:30 pm!  But it’s not just that.  Today is the 6th.  It’s been five months.  Five months sounds like a dreadfully long time.  For some things it can be – five months of a pregnancy is a long time, five months of being sick is a long time, five months of planning anything is a long time.  Five months of grieving is a very long time.  At the same time, I am still in disbelief that it’s been five months.  I know it has been.  The seasons have changed.  A lot has happened in those months.  But for me, inside,   it’s still June. Time hasn’t moved at all.  A friend came up to me at church tonight (I actually made it – between the colds we’ve been passing around and my own emotional and physical lethargy, I feel like I have missed church more than I have attended lately) and said simply, “It’s the 6th” and hugged me.  That means a lot when other people are looking at the calendar and thinking of you.


And next month will be six months – half a year.  It will also be Christmastime.  And, oh, how I am dreading that season.  There is at least one local radio station already playing Christmas music.  I switch the station every time I accidentally hit that pre-set in the van.  I don’t want Christmas this year.  At the same time, though, I find myself harboring little glimmers of hope that maybe Christmas this year might turn out to be special after all, that perhaps God will use this time of year to especially minister to our shredded hearts.  He’s done that already, though.  So I don’t know why He would do something extra at Christmastime.  Seriously, if after Ben’s birthday this month, I could just sleep until January 5th (the day after Paul’s birthday) I’d be so grateful.


I’ve got a list of things written down to cover in this post.  The majority of them are about  Will this time.  Not sure why – it just worked out that way.


But first, Miss Ellie…she is a little obsessed with zombies these days.  The boys have been watching some zombie movies with her that Will got for his birthday.  I’m pretty sure this falls under the “bad parent” category but right now I’m so worn out that I just don’t care enough to be worried about it.  Will and David will ask her, “Ellie – what does a zombie say?”  And then Ellie makes a growling/crunching noise and then lists her head to the side, with her tongue sticking out.  It is hilarious!  I’ll have to remember just how hilarious it is when she’s waking up in the middle of the night with nightmares…


The other day she picked up a fallen kool-aid packet off the kitchen floor and told me, “Orange, Mama, orange!”  And it was!  I thought to myself, “Who is this brilliant child?”  I haven’t even attempted to teach her colors yet (see previous  note on my worn-out state).  Surely, I am raising another little genius…and then later that day she found another kool-aid packet – why the kool-aid keeps ending up on the floor is anybody’s guess.  She held it up to me and exclaimed, “Orange!”  Except, it was…purple.


Will ended up having quite the party last Sat.  I didn’t even really realize it was a party, per se.  He just told me he wanted to have some friends over, gave me a list of snacks to make, and worked like crazy on the basement so he’d have a place to entertain his friends.  But a lot of teenagers and college students showed up at my house that night!  It was fun.  We got some pizzas and the kids had a big bonfire.  They invited me to play this game with them (I think they just needed all the bodies they could get – they weren’t clamoring for interaction with a middle aged mom).  I don’t know what it’s called but it’s basically the game “Telephone” on paper using words and drawings.  I laughed so hard that my ribs hurt and I had tears streaming down my face (and for once they weren’t because I was sad!).  I cannot remember the last time I laughed like that.  I’m sure it was long before we got the girls.  Oh, how fun!  I went to bed around 11:30 and more people were showing up about then.  I guess I had house guests until about 1 or so, I was told.


It was the night we switch our clocks, so I dutifully set mine back before turning out the lights.  Paul always took care of that for me.  In fact, my kitchen clock is still an hour fast and I keep thinking I really should take care of that, but then I don’t want to because I know Paul would have done it and it’s just one more reminder that he’s not here anymore to take care of things…and me.  Well, anyway, I forgot that my clock is new and is self-setting.  So I actually gained TWO hours of sleep on Sat. night.  I thought I felt awfully refreshed when I awakened at what I thought was 6:30 on Sun. morning.  In fact, the girls came padding down the steps and I sent them back to bed because it was way too early for them to be up.  Only, it wasn’t!  Needless to say, we didn’t make it to Sunday School...


I went to my first Word Weavers group on Monday night.  That experience has really changed my outlook this week.  It’s a Christian writing group that was just started.  I don’t even feel like doing much writing right now.  I haven’t done a lot since the girls arrived.  My blog and my Jewels devos have been about it.  Oh, I guess I wrote that drama piece for the church Christmas program last year.  But I’ve been weighed down emotionally with the girls and now, of course, with losing Paul.  And time has been short.  But in the months since Paul’s death I have found myself attempting to think about what needs to happen in my life now that I don’t have him.  I keep coming back to writing.  What that will ultimately look like, I don’t know.  Perhaps it is something I will only poke a stick at for the rest of my life.  But, I am ridiculously excited by this group.  I told the Lord Monday night after coming home that my writing is His.  Anything I do is for Him, not me.  To that end, He will need to direct my steps in this area, as well.


I also made a new friend at the group.  The leader has been a Facebook friend of mine for quite some time and she told the group my story, about adopting the girls and Paul’s death.  This new friend has walked through the Valley herself and afterwards she came up to me and just held me for the longest time– a stranger.  I felt something inside me begin to melt when she did that.  It still makes me cry to remember it!  This friend and I were comparing notes on death and talked about how people comment on how “strong” we are, but yet how weak we really feel.  I always feel a bit like a fraud when I am told that because I know how weak and inadequate I really am!  But she said, “Others are seeing God’s strength reflected in you.  They don’t realize that they are looking at God.”


I walked away from that meeting feeling a sensation that has been long-buried…





Will has decided he would like to get his electrician’s license.  Apparently, it’s not that huge of a deal.  You have to buy a very expensive book, study it, and then pay a fee and take an open-book test.  But then he’d be licensed and could legally do what he already does.  Paul taught him well.  But even Paul was licensed!  I told Will that if he does end up becoming a pastor he could make up business cards that say, “Electrician/Pastor – I can re-wire your house AND your heart!”  Of course, Mr. Theologically Correct had to point out to me that pastors don’t change people’s hearts – only God does.  My sense of humor is vastly under-appreciated in this house…


Yesterday Will walked into the kitchen around 4:30 in the afternoon.  I had my back turned to him.  His tread is just like Paul’s of course.  The time was about the time that Paul would get home.  My heart gave a ridiculous little leap before my brain reminded it to settle down.  ...sigh…


Yesterday was election day in our little town.  Will got the highest amount of votes in his bid for the city council.  I kind of thought he might get elected because he has a good reputation, but his youth and inexperience might count against him.  And I know I’ve made a few enemies along the way in my work as the city clerk – comes with the territory, I suppose, especially when your job is to get money out of others.  People might refuse to vote for him just because we are related.  So I was  pleasantly surprised by the results.  Another 19 year old young man was also elected; now our mayor has some strong, young guys to do the hard manual labor!


I’ll close with this funny: last Sat. when Nathanael was here for Will’s birthday, he and Janie (his fiancée) pulled me aside and asked if Lizzie could be a flower girl in their wedding next summer.  I was delighted with the idea – she’s going to look SO cute! Lizzie and Nathanael have had this unique relationship since she came to us, which is why he and Janie want her in the wedding.  So then, Nathanael talked to Lizzie and explained what a flower girl is to her.  He then asked, “So would you like to be in my wedding?”  Lizzie shook her head vigorously.  We were all surprised and Nathanael asked, “But why not?”  Lizzie exclaimed, “I’m not ready to get married yet!”












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