Day 154
I am so tired tonight.
But then – it IS 10:30 pm ! But it’s not just that. Today is the 6th. It’s been five months. Five months sounds like a dreadfully long
time. For some things it can be – five months
of a pregnancy is a long time, five months of being sick is a long time, five
months of planning anything is a long time.
Five months of grieving is a very long time. At the same time, I am still in disbelief that
it’s been five months. I know it has been. The seasons have changed. A lot has happened in those months. But for me, inside, it’s
still June. Time hasn’t moved at all. A
friend came up to me at church tonight (I actually made it – between the colds
we’ve been passing around and my own emotional and physical lethargy, I feel
like I have missed church more than I have attended lately) and said simply, “It’s
the 6th” and hugged me. That
means a lot when other people are looking at the calendar and thinking of you.
And next month will be six months – half a year. It will also be Christmastime. And, oh, how I am dreading that season. There is at least one local radio station
already playing Christmas music. I
switch the station every time I accidentally hit that pre-set in the van. I don’t want Christmas this year. At the same time, though, I find myself
harboring little glimmers of hope that maybe Christmas this year might turn out
to be special after all, that perhaps God will use this time of year to especially
minister to our shredded hearts. He’s
done that already, though. So I don’t
know why He would do something extra at Christmastime. Seriously, if after Ben’s birthday this
month, I could just sleep until January 5th (the day after Paul’s
birthday) I’d be so grateful.
I’ve got a list of things written down to cover in this
post. The majority of them are
about Will this time. Not sure why – it just worked out that way.
But first, Miss Ellie…she is a little obsessed with zombies
these days. The boys have been watching
some zombie movies with her that Will got for his birthday. I’m pretty sure this falls under the “bad
parent” category but right now I’m so worn out that I just don’t care enough to
be worried about it. Will and David will
ask her, “Ellie – what does a zombie say?”
And then Ellie makes a growling/crunching noise and then lists her head
to the side, with her tongue sticking out.
It is hilarious! I’ll have
to remember just how hilarious it is when she’s waking up in the middle of the
night with nightmares…
The other day she picked up a fallen kool-aid packet off the
kitchen floor and told me, “Orange Orange
Will ended up having quite the party last Sat. I didn’t even really realize it was a party,
per se. He just told me he wanted to
have some friends over, gave me a list of snacks to make, and worked like crazy
on the basement so he’d have a place to entertain his friends. But a lot of teenagers and college students
showed up at my house that night! It was
fun. We got some pizzas and the kids had
a big bonfire. They invited me to play
this game with them (I think they just needed all the bodies they could get –
they weren’t clamoring for interaction with a middle aged mom). I don’t know what it’s called but it’s
basically the game “Telephone” on paper using words and drawings. I laughed so hard that my ribs hurt and I had
tears streaming down my face (and for once they weren’t because I was sad!). I cannot remember the last time I laughed
like that. I’m sure it was long before
we got the girls. Oh, how fun! I went to bed around 11:30 and more people were showing up about then. I guess I had house guests until about 1 or
so, I was told.
It was the night we switch our clocks, so I dutifully set
mine back before turning out the lights.
Paul always took care of that for me.
In fact, my kitchen clock is still an hour fast and I keep thinking I
really should take care of that, but then I don’t want to because I know Paul
would have done it and it’s just one more reminder that he’s not here anymore
to take care of things…and me. Well,
anyway, I forgot that my clock is new and is self-setting. So I actually gained TWO hours of sleep on
Sat. night. I thought I felt awfully
refreshed when I awakened at what I thought was 6:30
on Sun. morning. In fact, the girls came
padding down the steps and I sent them back to bed because it was way too early
for them to be up. Only, it wasn’t! Needless to say, we didn’t make it to Sunday
School...
I went to my first Word Weavers group on Monday night. That experience has really changed my outlook
this week. It’s a Christian writing
group that was just started. I don’t
even feel like doing much writing right now.
I haven’t done a lot since the girls arrived. My blog and my Jewels devos have been about
it. Oh, I guess I wrote that drama piece
for the church Christmas program last year.
But I’ve been weighed down emotionally with the girls and now, of
course, with losing Paul. And time has
been short. But in the months since Paul’s
death I have found myself attempting to think about what needs to happen in my
life now that I don’t have him. I keep
coming back to writing. What that will
ultimately look like, I don’t know.
Perhaps it is something I will only poke a stick at for the rest of my
life. But, I am ridiculously excited by
this group. I told the Lord Monday night
after coming home that my writing is His.
Anything I do is for Him, not me.
To that end, He will need to direct my steps in this area, as well.
I also made a new friend at the group. The leader has been a Facebook friend of mine
for quite some time and she told the group my story, about adopting the girls
and Paul’s death. This new friend has
walked through the Valley herself and afterwards she came up to me and just
held me for the longest time– a stranger.
I felt something inside me begin to melt when she did that. It still makes me cry to remember it! This friend and I were comparing notes on
death and talked about how people comment on how “strong” we are, but yet how
weak we really feel. I always feel a bit
like a fraud when I am told that because I know how weak and inadequate
I really am! But she said, “Others are
seeing God’s strength reflected in you.
They don’t realize that they are looking at God.”
I walked away from that meeting feeling a sensation that has
been long-buried…
Hope…
Will has decided he would like to get his electrician’s
license. Apparently, it’s not that huge
of a deal. You have to buy a very
expensive book, study it, and then pay a fee and take an open-book test. But then he’d be licensed and could legally
do what he already does. Paul taught him
well. But even Paul was licensed! I told Will that if he does end up becoming a
pastor he could make up business cards that say, “Electrician/Pastor – I can
re-wire your house AND your heart!” Of
course, Mr. Theologically Correct had to point out to me that pastors don’t
change people’s hearts – only God does. My
sense of humor is vastly under-appreciated in this house…
Yesterday Will walked into the kitchen around 4:30 in the afternoon. I had my back turned to him. His tread is just like Paul’s of course. The time was about the time that Paul would
get home. My heart gave a ridiculous
little leap before my brain reminded it to settle down. ...sigh…
Yesterday was election day in our little town. Will got the highest amount of votes in his
bid for the city council. I kind of
thought he might get elected because he has a good reputation, but his youth
and inexperience might count against him.
And I know I’ve made a few enemies along the way in my work as the city
clerk – comes with the territory, I suppose, especially when your job is to get
money out of others. People might refuse
to vote for him just because we are related.
So I was pleasantly surprised by
the results. Another 19 year old young
man was also elected; now our mayor has some strong, young guys to do the hard
manual labor!
I’ll close with this funny: last Sat. when Nathanael was
here for Will’s birthday, he and Janie (his fiancée) pulled me aside and asked
if Lizzie could be a flower girl in their wedding next summer. I was delighted with the idea – she’s going to
look SO cute! Lizzie and Nathanael have had this unique relationship since she
came to us, which is why he and Janie want her in the wedding. So then, Nathanael talked to Lizzie and
explained what a flower girl is to her.
He then asked, “So would you like to be in my wedding?” Lizzie shook her head vigorously. We were all surprised and Nathanael asked, “But
why not?” Lizzie exclaimed, “I’m not
ready to get married yet!”
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