Monday, September 23, 2013

Day 110


September 23, 2013


Day 110


It’s a beautiful fall day – it would be more beautiful if it was a few degrees cooler, but that will come.  I told the kids we’re going to start wearing our cold-weather pajamas.  They all woke up shivering this morning in their summertime ones.


Lately, Sam has been crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night.  He says he’s scared, but I suppose the extra body heat is probably an attraction, too.  We moved his toddler bed mattress to the floor of Ben and David’s room a few weeks ago.  As soon as David’s room gets built and he moves in then Sam will take over David’s top bunk.  Sam hasn’t complained too much about his new, temporary digs, other than to mention that it is a little scary down in the basement.  I made the mistake of mentioning that if he gets scared he can come up to my room.  He took that to heart!   I suppose there’s no real reason to keep him out of my bed.  I doubt he’ll still be trying to climb in when he’s 15.  In the meantime, it’s kind of nice to have a warm body beside me, even if it is only 40” long.


I forgot to talk about the toothpaste in my last blog, when I talked about the adoption day.  When we got into the courtroom a lady who works in there started handing out beanie babies to all the kids.  That was fine.  I have a feeling that there is a surplus of these things all over the world, since back in the ‘90s people were buying them up knowing they were going to be so valuable some day!  In fact, my attorney leaned over to me before the proceedings started and told me that his mother had a closet full of those things, bought with that very intent!  But then, this lady handed out toothpaste and toothbrushes to the kids!  I thought this was very odd.  Paul would have said, “Oka-a-ay” in that way he always did when he thought people were either incredibly stupid or events didn’t make sense to him.  It’s just bizarre.  I suppose it’s some sort of public health initiative, in an attempt to encourage kids to brush their teeth.  But still – at an adoption?  You would hope that if a child is being adopted, her new parents are the type who will make sure she has clean teeth every night before she’s tucked into bed!  Not that that’s always the case at my house…


So anyway, a little weird, but ok.  But it got annoying when en route to the mall after the adoption Miss Ellie managed to open her tube of toothpaste and smear it all over her car seat, legs, hands, and dress.  Grrr!


Saturday, Will, Ben, and David attended the Hawkeye game.  They had an absolute blast!  Apparently their seats were really, really good ones, too.  All three came back kind of red in the face from the sun.  I was so thankful that it was a great game (Hawkeyes beat Western MI 59-3!).  They got up pretty early to get there in time and to give themselves time to explore the sports arena.  And then Will stayed up that night 'til about 11:30 watching some football wrap-up on television.  I should not have been surprised when I hollered up the steps yesterday to let him know that we were loading up for church to discover that the boy was still sound asleep!  He drove himself to church...


Saturday night while the boys were gone I dumped two cans of spaghettios and meatballs into a pot on the stove and heated it for the Littles, along with some store-bought garlic bread.  The praise was effusive…


“Thank you so much, Mommy, for making this for us!”


“More, please!”


“You are the best mommy, ever, for making this!”


Guess I ought to serve supper out of a can more often!


I did some more reading on a widow blog last night.  It was Sunday.  I hate going to bed on Sunday nights, so I stay up late.  Actually, much of a Sunday is a wash-out for me.  This particular widow made a couple of points that really resonated with me.  She commented that she was exhausting so much energy just in trying to find the will to live. 


Boy, can I relate!  It is hard work putting one foot in front of the other, when you could cheerfully curl up in a ball and just die.  When there is no obvious reason to keep going on, when the heart is so tattered, when you are separated from the one you love most by time, space, and infinity – it’s hard.  Do I have a reason to live?  I suppose it can be argued that I have six of them.


And it did occur to me this weekend that if I had died I would have missed the joy of the girls’ adoption.  I know I didn’t enjoy that day like I would have if Paul had been with me.  But there was still pleasure and a deep joy that finally, my dream had come to fruition.  I am an adoptive mother!  Could other joy await in my future?  It’s hard to believe that I will ever enjoy anything again, but logically, I know I will.


Another realization this author had was that her kids would always be referred to as the children of ____, but she could no longer say she was her husband’s wife.  True.  My six will always be Paul’s children.  But I am no longer Paul’s wife.  I can refer to myself as Paul’s former wife, but that sounds like a divorce situation.  I can say I was Paul’s wife, I guess.  I still cling to the title of “Mrs,” though.  Right after Paul died I needed some address labels and I made sure they read, “Mrs. Sarah Heywood.”  Now when I hear little kids call me, “Mrs. Heywood” at church I get a secret little thrill, much like I did when I was a newlywed.  Then, it was new and exciting.  Now, I’m clinging to what was mine, even if it’s not mine anymore.


But, it’s time to remove my wedding ring.  More and more I feel a bit fraudulent wearing it.  I know I have the perfect right to wear it for as long as I like.  Some widows never, ever remove their rings.  But that isn’t the right choice for me.  Truthfully, I am not married anymore.  It’s time to set my ring aside.  I did get my new mother’s ring and a small memorial ring for Paul ordered last week.  It should be here in the next few weeks.  When it arrives, I will take off my wedding rings and put them in my jewelry box beside Paul’s two wedding bands.  There are three of them, total, and I have three Littles.  Perhaps they would like them someday.  I wonder how much of a mess I’ll be when I remove the rings for the final time?


I received a card with no return address last week – just a stamp, letting me know it had been mailed in Des Moines.  Inside was a $100 (!) gift card to Hy-Vee and a simple message that read, “You are not forgotten.”  I don’t know which I appreciated more, the gift or the message.  I continue to be so incredibly thankful for the servants of God who show me Jesus through their actions. 


God hasn’t forgotten us, either.


1 comment:

  1. Yes, what a blessing to know people still are thinking and praying for you.
    Even if you feel forgotten, God never forgets,