Day 110
It’s a beautiful fall day – it would be more beautiful if it was a
few degrees cooler, but that will come.
I told the kids we’re going to start wearing our cold-weather
pajamas. They all woke up shivering this
morning in their summertime ones.
Lately, Sam has been crawling into bed with me in the middle of
the night. He says he’s scared, but I
suppose the extra body heat is probably an attraction, too. We moved his toddler bed mattress to the
floor of Ben and David’s room a few weeks ago.
As soon as David’s room gets built and he moves in then Sam will take
over David’s top bunk. Sam hasn’t
complained too much about his new, temporary digs, other than to mention that
it is a little scary down in the basement.
I made the mistake of mentioning that if he gets scared he can come up
to my room. He took that to heart! I suppose there’s no real reason to keep him
out of my bed. I doubt he’ll still be
trying to climb in when he’s 15. In the
meantime, it’s kind of nice to have a warm body beside me, even if it is only
40” long.
I forgot to talk about the toothpaste in my last blog, when I
talked about the adoption day. When we
got into the courtroom a lady who works in there started handing out beanie
babies to all the kids. That was fine. I have a feeling that there is a surplus of
these things all over the world, since back in the ‘90s people were buying them
up knowing they were going to be so valuable some day! In fact, my attorney leaned over to me before
the proceedings started and told me that his mother had a closet full of those
things, bought with that very intent!
But then, this lady handed out toothpaste and toothbrushes to the
kids! I thought this was very odd. Paul would have said, “Oka-a-ay ” in that way he always did when he
thought people were either incredibly stupid or events didn’t make sense to
him. It’s just bizarre. I suppose it’s some sort of public health
initiative, in an attempt to encourage kids to brush their teeth. But still – at an adoption? You would hope that if a child is being
adopted, her new parents are the type who will make sure she has clean teeth
every night before she’s tucked into bed!
Not that that’s always the case at my house…
So anyway, a little weird, but ok.
But it got annoying when en route to the mall after the adoption Miss
Ellie managed to open her tube of toothpaste and smear it all over her car
seat, legs, hands, and dress. Grrr!
Saturday, Will, Ben, and David attended the Hawkeye game. They had an absolute blast! Apparently their seats were really, really
good ones, too. All three came back kind
of red in the face from the sun. I was
so thankful that it was a great game (Hawkeyes beat Western MI 59-3!). They got up pretty early to get there in time
and to give themselves time to explore the sports arena. And then Will stayed up that night 'til about 11:30 watching some football wrap-up on
television. I should not have been
surprised when I hollered up the steps yesterday to let him know that we were
loading up for church to discover that the boy was still sound asleep! He drove himself to church...
Saturday night while the boys were gone I dumped two cans of
spaghettios and meatballs into a pot on the stove and heated it for the
Littles, along with some store-bought garlic bread. The praise was effusive…
“Thank you so much, Mommy, for making this for us!”
“More, please!”
“You are the best mommy, ever, for making this!”
Guess I ought to serve supper out of a can more often!
I did some more reading on a widow blog last night. It was Sunday. I hate going to bed on Sunday nights, so I
stay up late. Actually, much of a Sunday
is a wash-out for me. This particular
widow made a couple of points that really resonated with me. She commented that she was exhausting so much
energy just in trying to find the will to live.
Boy, can I relate! It is hard
work putting one foot in front of the other, when you could cheerfully curl up
in a ball and just die. When there is no
obvious reason to keep going on, when the heart is so tattered, when you are
separated from the one you love most by time, space, and infinity – it’s
hard. Do I have a reason to live? I suppose it can be argued that I have six of
them.
And it did occur to me this weekend that if I had died I would
have missed the joy of the girls’ adoption.
I know I didn’t enjoy that day like I would have if Paul had been with
me. But there was still pleasure and a
deep joy that finally, my dream had come to fruition. I am an adoptive mother! Could other joy await in my future? It’s hard to believe that I will ever enjoy
anything again, but logically, I know I will.
Another realization this author had was that her kids would always
be referred to as the children of ____, but she could no longer say she was her
husband’s wife. True. My six will always be Paul’s children. But I am no longer Paul’s wife. I can refer to myself as Paul’s former wife,
but that sounds like a divorce situation.
I can say I was Paul’s wife, I guess. I still cling to the title of “Mrs,”
though. Right after Paul died I needed
some address labels and I made sure they read, “Mrs. Sarah Heywood.” Now when I hear little kids call me, “Mrs.
Heywood” at church I get a secret little thrill, much like I did when I was a
newlywed. Then, it was new and
exciting. Now, I’m clinging to what was
mine, even if it’s not mine anymore.
But, it’s time to remove my wedding ring. More and more I feel a bit fraudulent wearing
it. I know I have the perfect right to
wear it for as long as I like. Some
widows never, ever remove their rings.
But that isn’t the right choice for me.
Truthfully, I am not married anymore.
It’s time to set my ring aside. I
did get my new mother’s ring and a small memorial ring for Paul ordered last
week. It should be here in the next few
weeks. When it arrives, I will take off
my wedding rings and put them in my jewelry box beside Paul’s two wedding
bands. There are three of them, total,
and I have three Littles. Perhaps they
would like them someday. I wonder how
much of a mess I’ll be when I remove the rings for the final time?
I received a card with no return address last week – just a stamp,
letting me know it had been mailed in Des Moines
God hasn’t forgotten us, either.
Yes, what a blessing to know people still are thinking and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteEven if you feel forgotten, God never forgets,
HUGS,