The title is a description of my old life...but these days I ramble on about widowhood, homeschooling, single parenting, adoption, special-needs parenting, & living a life I never planned for or expected - a life that God, thankfully, continues to strengthen & equip me for daily...
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW
September 18, 2013
Tomorrow is the adoption.Today, I have a myriad of emotions running through my heart.I hope they’ve all worked themselves out by
tomorrow morning so I can just be happy and enjoy the experience.I don’t want to do this.I don’t want to adopt the girls without
Paul.I will, though, of course.It’s going to be like this, I suspect, at every happy occasion – every graduation,
every wedding, the births of our grandchildren.These are experiences not meant to be shared by me alone.
I’m tired today.My feet
hurt.I think I’m developing bunions. Although, I’m not 100% sure just what a bunion
actually is! I’ll be curious to see if
my feet quit hurting when winter arrives and I’m not wearing sandals
anymore.Otherwise, I may be getting
friendly with my podiatrist again.I had
a to-do list a mile long today, getting ready for tomorrow.I was just composing my list yesterday and
wondering just how I would get it all done when I got a text from my friend,
Danielle, wondering if I needed any help today getting things ready.God is so good!She and her daughter arrived this morning and
helped me clean.She’s a busy
homeschooling mom, too, but was willing to give to me.She’s also the one that took care of my pool
all summer.I have been blessed.
Even with her help, it still took all day to get my things
done.If I were happier, I think it
would be easier.I am also
just.so.tired.I remember my pre-death
blogs and it seems like I was always commenting on my busy schedule.I am busier now.I don’t have Paul and it seems like I have
even more to do.I guess I do.I’m going to have to figure out a way to slow
things down, but I’m not quite sure yet how to do that.Everything I do seems so vital.I wouldn’t even know how or where I could
cut.I am sensing a need for some grief
counseling for the kids, but how do I fit something else into my schedule?How do I not?
This week has just been crazy – constantly running.I did my bi-monthly shopping on Monday with
Sam.He is simply delightful.I am loving his stage of life right now – so intellectual,
so determined to make sense out of absolutely everything.We found his Halloween costume when we were
out.I refuse to buy anything new and I’m
too lacking in creativity this year to make something.So we had to check out the “assignment”
stores, as he calls them (we also ate lunch at “Harbys” that day).His brothers want to correct his
mis-pronunciations, but I won’t let them!We finally found a cute skeleton costume.It barely fits him, but Sam was insistent
that this was the one.He gleefully told
me how he just knows that none of the neighbors will recognize him!The dressing room didn’t have a mirror.I assume that’s still coming.They just moved to a new, bigger location and
are probably not all finished yet.So it
wasn’t until we got home that Sam was able to try the mask on and see
himself.He was quite perturbed when he
looked in the mirror and discovered that the mask has the skeleton smiling!Apparently he had dreams of being dreadfully
frightful instead on Halloween night.I
have to admit, though, that the costume caused me a pang, since Paul is well on
his way to skeleton-hood himself.I wonder
how long I’ll think like this?The rest
of my life?Death changes everything.
I didn’t get done with my shopping on Monday so Tuesday morning I
had to take David and Sam to the dentist for fillings.Poor kids – I told them it was just a
check-up for their teeth.Then, when the
dentist office called to confirm, they mentioned that the boys would be getting
Actually, I’m kind of perturbed, but in a helpless way.The kids lost their insurance with Paul’s
death and had to go on Medicaid.Well,
thanks to the new health care laws, their dentist is refusing to accept
Medicaid as of Oct. 1.This is the only
dentist I’ve ever found who was able to work with Ben successfully because of
his sensory issues.When he was younger
it was so bad that our only recourse was to take him to the dental school at
Creighton where they would papoose him in order to work on his teeth.I always felt terrible for him but there was
nothing else to be done.So now I have
to find a new dentist in our area who will be willing to take Medicaid.I have a feeling that may not be easy.
After the dental appointment I finished up my shopping.Since it was a rare event that I actually had
David with me I decided we had better go ahead and get him some new tennies.This is the third pair I’ve bought for him in
less than a year.He is growing so
fast.In fact, I had to go to Scheels
because now David is size FOURTEEN shoe.He picked a pair of lime green Nike’s.With the length of those things, you’ll be able to see him approaching
from a mile away!Will also wears a 14
shoe, but he didn’t hit that until he was 17 ½.I am hopeful that he is finished growing since I have not had to buy him
anything – pants, shoes, nothing – since about that time.He seems to have topped out at 6 foot, like
his dad.But I have a distinct feeling
that David will surpass that.Ben’s feet
are not as big as his brothers’, for some reason – he’s only a 12.
Earlier this week I told Lizzie to go put on her purple
sandals.Very seriously she asked me, “What
color are my purple sandals?”Yes, I made
a face palm motion!
I liked my Daily Bread devotional reading today.In fact, this was my very last one.My pastor gave me two special Daily Breads on
grief and I’ve been slowly working my way through them this summer.Now, I guess I’ll need to go back to normal
Christian Living devotionals.Does this
mean I’m supposed to be done with grieving?
This is what it said:
Sorrow can lead us into one of four
lands: the Barren land in which we try to escape from it, the Broken land is
which we sink under it, the Bitter land in which we resent it, or the Better
land in which we bear it and become a blessing to others.
I suppose one probably passes through all these lands during the
grief process, but the key is where one chooses to remain.
Early this morning I had a profound thought and I am still shaking
my head over it.I’m really sleep
deprived right now.I’ve just been so
busy that I am not getting to bed when I need to.But even when I am getting the sleep I need I
am not a morning person. I could
cheerfully sleep in past nine every single morning of my life.It was not uncommon for me to think murderous
thoughts toward Paul nearly every morning of our married life.I’d grudgingly shuffle to the kitchen to fry
him an egg and he’d be out by the woodburner reading his Bible. He’d get done and start chatting away at me
while I tried to sleep standing up.Morning was when he had his best thoughts.Morning was when I longed for death, because,
like the song says, I can sleep then!I
didn’t have my best thoughts then.I
couldn’t even string two thoughts together.
So, this morning my allergies woke me up at .I had to take a chlortrimeton which would make me even more tired but I
knew that was the only thing that would calm my sneezing down.I couldn’t find my tissue box so I had to
plod to the bathroom to get a box out of there.I was so out of it that I was banging into doorways and tripping over my
feet.But as I approached my room,
intent on getting back under the covers just as fast as I could I saw this huge
shadow on the wall.It made me catch my
breath for a moment.Then I realized it
was only a shadow and nothing that could hurt me and continued on to bed.Immediately, though, I thought of Psalm 23,
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for thou art with me
Here I was in my sleep-deprived, drug induced fog, but I had these
thoughts.I can only conclude they came
from the Lord, since morning – particularly early morning, like , is NOT my time for thinking
anything.A shadow can do no harm.It is simply a magnification of something
small, that gives us pause at times.But
once we realize what it is, we know we can pass safely.This verse tells us that death is merely a
shadow. It cannot harm us.
Well, I certainly feel harmed.But am I, really?I will see Paul again.This parting is temporary.The hurt I feel is definitely a valley that
the verse talks about.But I have the
promise that I will walk through the valley because the Lord is with me, and
there’s nothing to fear about death, really.
All this deepness at .I am impressed!
So tomorrow I go adopt my girls.Right now I can’t put into words what this means, other than it’s the
fulfillment of a dream that God implanted in my heart as a child.It’s very humbling to watch God work when you
completely surrender yourself to His dealings.He has given me the the desire of my heart by giving me these
girls.I don’t have the words now, but I
have no doubt that they will come.