A sunny Saturday - and I feel like I'm suffocating because I have so much to do. I wonder if the day will ever come that I don't feel like I'm continually drowning under the weight of my to-do list.
I mentioned in my last blog post that I am behind on checking and recording Will's work. So I put in a good hour last night of working on that. I was horrified to realize that he's not doing well at all in Language. I haven't got all his scores together yet, but I'm not sure if he's even going to pass it for 9th grade. What do I do then? Do we re-do it next year? But if I do that, then he'll be a year short of Language when he graduates. I could order another book and we could work on it this summer, which might be the wisest thing. A lot of what he did this year was stuff that I don't view as terribly important needed life skills - sentence diagramming, identifying sentence parts, etc. But, I would assume that he needs to know this stuff because the next book would build upon what he was to learn this year. Or should I just find another program all together? I just don't know.
I bear some of the blame for this. I have been too busy to really stay on top of his schoolwork, as far as checking it goes and making sure he understood what he was to be learning. It's becoming evident to me that Will needs to be actually taught this stuff rather than just reading the lessons himself and doing the work. But that takes time. So I don't know what to do right now. I guess I need to finish checking and recording everything and get a composite score for the year. If he can squeak through with a C then I might not worry so much, but I think that's being overly optimistic. Maybe I should just stick all the kids in school - they might do better there than being under the tutelage of a mother who has too much to do to educate them properly.
We visited with Pastor this morning. I ended up admitting to him that I think I've entered a new period of grieving with Ben. That makes me feel weak and I kind of wish I would have kept that to myself. All he can do is remind me of God's sovereignty and I understand that. I mean, truly, I don't understand, but I can accept God's final will in everything, even when I don't understand. But this feels like it did when Ben was around Sam's age and I was really hurting over the realization that he had all these issues. I suspect it's because Ben's body is changing. His thin arms are getting sinewy, he's shot up in height, and this week I noticed that he's sprouting underarm hair. But yet, I'm having to wipe his mouth after he eats, roll on his deodorant, tuck his shirt into his pants and button them - things that are so anti-typical to this stage of life. It's another reminder that his development is abnormal - he's abnormal.
And I know, and I cling to verses like Rom. 8:28 and 1Cor 10:13. I know that this was not all an accident, that God has a divine plan in motion and that this is all for our good. But, I can't see clearly and so, it just hurts at times. I wish I didn't feel so much. And I feel guilty for feeling this way because I know there are parents dealing with much more than I am. I think I'm just a mess. In our small group Wed. night there was an older woman that is new to our church. We were talking about the tragedy of the Ricketts family in Cedar Falls (their 22 month old strangled to death on a cord - he lived for 10 days on life support, though). That just breaks my heart. But anyway, this woman commented that well, if that little boy had lived, he would have been seriously brain damaged. I'm sure she didn't mean anything unkind, but my mouth flew open to say, "And what's wrong with that?" But I closed it again. So, on one hand, I can accept the beauty of the mentally and physically challenged and ascribe value to their lives. But it's easier to do that in theory than when you're living with it. I'm sure that Ricketts family would have been happy to have brain damaged child if it meant they could keep their precious toddler instead of having to bury him. And, truthfully, I can remember having the same thought when Ben was in the NICU - I didn't care how many needs he might have, I just wanted him to come home with me. So God did and what do I do? I feel sad for the rest of Ben's days that he isn't perfect! Like I said, I'm a mess!
So anyway - just some dark thoughts. Actually, Ben has been a different boy since he has started school. He hasn't given me a single problem. Granted, it's only been 2 weeks, but it's been a very enjoyable 2 weeks! I'm kind of dreading the end of school because I don't want things to go back with him the way they were when he wasn't in school.
And while we were chatting with Pastor, he got a phone call from Matt. Little Rebekah is now 7 or 8 weeks old and still hospitalized. The hope has been that she might come home within the next week or two. But last night she quit breathing several times so it's hard to say what will happen now. I just ache for that little girl and for Matt and Jenny, as I've mentioned a number of times since her birth in April. So I suppose that is contributing to my overall melancholy. I guess this where one learns trust - whether you're praying your little girl can come home from the hospital, or whether you're brushing hair and putting deodorant on your 13 year old. It's trusting that God won't let you fall when you can't see your hand in front of your face.
Happier thoughts for my next post, I promise!
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