Day 9

I was possessed again today by an urge to work on Unwilling Widow Diary.  I'm not sure how long I will keep this up, but it seems to be filling a need for now.  So, I share.

June 15, 2013

 

Day 9

 

This morning our pastor and another man from church, John,  came out and did a walk-through of the house in order to gain a better understanding of what work remains to be done and so they can estimate a final cost for me.  We went through, room by room.  I told them what Paul had in mind, but offered some of my own ideas as well that I thought might save on time and work.  John turned to me and said, “Sarah, I want to honor Paul’s memory by doing this how the way HE wanted it done.”  I was touched by that.  Both and he and Pastor commented several times on the quality of Paul’s workmanship.  They want to get a crew together and knock this stuff out.  I know Paul was thinking it would be several years before he would get everything done (the final phase of the basement, the living room, and the bathroom/bedroom project) but maybe it is going to be done sooner than that?  I don’t know.  I’m just so amazed it is going to get finished at all.  Immediately upon Paul’s death Will began brainstorming as to how we could finish things up without having to do all the work Paul had intended.

 

I am chilled today – it’s coming from inside me, I can tell.  A fatigue has settled into my bones as well, although it doesn’t cause me to sleep any better.  I am still dependent on the Advil PMs to fall asleep at all.

 

I changed our sheets yesterday.  Painful.  I carefully folded them up and put them in a large ziplock bag.  I will never use them again.  But as I crawled into bed I was reminded of how appreciative Paul always was when I did get around to putting fresh sheets on the bed.  He’d stretch out his legs and wiggle his toes over the clean sheets.  I wonder if someone changes his sheets in Heaven?  Maybe there’s no sleep there – I don’t know.

 

I found out yesterday that a dear friend has been dx with breast cancer.  It’s really serious and her prognosis does not look good right now.  She has two young teenagers and a 5 month old baby.  The hits keep coming. 

 

A number of people – primarily, those that are not in close fellowship with the Lord – have commented to me that they just don’t know “why” this happened.  I’ve been thinking about that.  Of course, I don’t know the why, either.  But right now, I can say that that is ok.  I don’t have to know why.  I mean, this is God we’re talking about.  I am reminded of Job where God points out that He was there when the earth was being formed and orchestrated all the events of Creation.  Who are WE to question God?  That said, though, I am still filled with a number of concerns, even if I don’t have to have an answer to God’s thinking.  I was talking to Him the other night and complaining/wailing about just how on earth was I supposed to do this – raising the kids, continuing to homeschool, the house, the finances, vehicles, the lonliness, the lack of companionship, holidays, my empty bed,  etc.  I immediately sensed the voice of God.  You know, there have been just a few times – less than a handful – where I can say I honestly heard the voice of God.  This was one of them.  It was quiet, but it was sure.  The voice said,

“Trust Me.”

 

That was all – “Trust Me.”  I have no choice but to obey.  But it will be one of the harder things I’ve ever done.  At the same time, though, it has to be easier than trying to figure out things on my own.

 

I’m reading a book on grief right now that was given to me a Christmastime.  A friend of a friend wrote it, which is how I ended up with a copy.  I had just asked God for a book that I didn’t have to buy and less than an hour later I discovered this small white book stashed on the bookshelf out in the old office.  I’m finding it helpful.  I would like to find a book specifically written to widows, though.  There must be something.  It occurred to me this morning that Elisabeth Elliot was widowed young.  I’ve always enjoyed her ministry.  I wonder if she wrote something during that time of her life that I could use right now.

 

I’ve gotten up to the cemetery every day this week.  I sit up there, chatting away to Paul.  I feel a bit like a crazy lady, but it helps.  I’ve even stuffed a plastic stool in the van that I can sit on while there.  I wonder how long it will take for Paul’s grave to fill in and not look so fresh.  I found another recent grave up there and the marker said the occupant died in late January.  So I guess it takes awhile for the earth to recover from being disturbed like that.  I need to find a monument company.  I know what I want for Paul’s tombstone – simple, but something more than just his name and dates.  He would not want me to spend much money, I know that.  It will have to wait, anyway, until after the insurance money arrives.

 

I received a letter from the organ donor people today.  They listed out all the body parts of Paul they were able to salvage.  It’s a lot – his corneas, a lot of skin, veins, heart valves.  I’m pleased that parts of him are going to help others.  Of course, I’d be more pleased if he were still the one using them!

 

Marcia (our pastor’s wife) gave us a cd of  12 of Paul’s special music numbers recorded over the last few years.  She gave me quite a few copies with the assurance she can make even more.  David put them onto my mp3 player.  Paul was such a “minister” and it was rare for him to ever get up and just sing.  He had to “introduce” his music.  So not only do we hear him sing, but he speaks on this cd as well.  I find it enormously comforting.  I fear forgetting the sound of his voice and now I don’t ever have to worry about that.

 

I am amazed that I have managed to type so much today.  I am literally short of breath as I do this from a crushing weight in my chest.  I would think that would prohibit me from much creativity.  Maybe typing is healing.

 

I am struggling with regrets the past few days.  Memories of my shortfalls in our marriage are creeping in.  There are so many things I wish I would have done, or not done, or done differently.  There were times I could have been more loving, more self-sacrificing and wasn’t.  Why was I so stubborn about certain things?  Why was it so important that I have my own way?  I wonder if it is the Enemy bringing these things to mind.  Or maybe it’s just a natural occurrence when losing someone.  I don’t know.  I don’t like it.  I think I just need to focus on the positive things.  And there were a lot of positive things.

 

Yesterday I wandered around the cemetery a bit and read an inscription that said, “He loved and was loved.”  That describes my Paul, perfectly.

 

I miss my friend.

 

 

 

 

 

Diary of an Unwilling Widow

I am honestly not sure what to do about my blog these days.  I have daughters now so my world is not only about raising future men.  And, as of June 6th, I am no longer married (how it hurts to say that) because my husband has died.  But people know where to find me here so I am reluctant to start a new blog.  I rather imagine many of my posts to come will deal with grief and if I were to start a new blog, specifically dedicated to that subject,  that might be a turn-off to my readers.  Who wants to seek out a site solely about sadness?

I started journaling today.  It occurred to me last night that someday I might be interested in reading my thoughts from these early days.  Or perhaps, I will have the future opportunity to minister to others walking a similar path.  I say that and I immediately think, "Please, God, no !"  I would not wish this kind of pain on my worst enemy.

I was interrupted while typing this by yet another neighbor bringing us food.  God loves me.

I am copying most of my journaling today for this post:

June 14, 2013

 

I have been widowed for 8 days now.  My heart is broken, splintered, and shattered.  Oddly enough, I am also numb.  I miss my husband so much!  We had never been apart for more than 6 days in our entire 20 years of marriage.  And now, we’re apart until Jesus calls me home.  The pain is all consuming, radiating outward from my heart.  I have to remind myself to breathe.  As I was making lunch for myself, I thought, “Huh – I haven’t cried yet today!”  And then I began to weep because of that.

 

I am surrounded by those that love me.  The meals and housekeeping help keep coming.  My doorbell and phone ring constantly.  Just this morning Ben’s old sp. Ed teacher showed up at our back door.  He had been out of town and had just heard the news.  He wants to take the boys fishing sometime soon.

 

I hurt, oh I hurt.

 

After Paul died, one of my first prayers to the Lord was for wisdom.  I know that this is a time when foolish decisions are easily made in a number of areas.  I am tempted to avoid the pain by distractions – reading, television, housework.  But there is a part of me that instinctually recognizes that if I do those things, I am only avoiding and prolonging the inevitable.  I MUST go through this valley.  I am unwilling, but I have no choice.

 

People keep telling me how “strong” I am.  I am not strong.  I am as weak as every other person who has walked in my shoes.  I just haven’t quit yet, that’s all.  Jesus has to be my strength because I feel as helpless as a day old kitten. But yet, I MUST survive.  All Monday and Tuesday I looked longingly at Paul's casket, wishing with all my might I could just crawl inside it with him and be locked away forever.  I bent over his prone body and wet his suit with my tears because we were now separated. I love him - oh, how I love that man.

 

Ok, now I am really crying.  As I was typing, the doorbell rang (good thing Ellie is not home today as she is terrified of the doorbell).  It was the UPS man, making deliveries.  I was puzzled because I had not recently ordered anything.  My friend Sara had ordered a book for the kids that I can create for them, called, “Tell Me About Daddy” and a frame where we can put Paul’s picture.  It has a poem about death and Heaven on it.  And my friend Tina in Korea sent me an Amazon gift card. We have been flooded with gifts like this - humbling.  As I posted on Facebook last night, God is showing us how much He cares through others right now.  It still hurts, though – I’d do anything to still have Paul and not have all these gifts that are coming our way.  But yet, I am still grateful.

 

I must, I MUST believe the promise of Romans 8:28 – “For we know that all things work together for good (even widowhood at age 42) to those that love God and are called according to His purpose.”

 

 

When There are No Words

Psalm 46

 

God is our refuge and strength,
A very present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear,
Even though the earth be removed,
And though the mountains be carried into the midst of the sea;
³ Though its waters roar and be troubled,
Though the mountains shake with its swelling. Selah

⁴ There is a river whose streams shall make glad the city of God,
The holy place of the tabernacle of the Most High.
⁵ God is in the midst of her, she shall not be moved;
God shall help her, just at the break of dawn.
⁶ The nations raged, the kingdoms were moved;
He uttered His voice, the earth melted.

⁷ The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

⁸ Come, behold the works of the Lord,
Who has made desolations in the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;
He breaks the bow and cuts the spear in two;
He burns the chariot in the fire.

¹⁰ Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!

¹¹ The Lord of hosts is with us;
The God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah

 

Psalm 91:1-6

 

He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High
Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
² I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress;
My God, in Him I will trust.”

³ Surely He shall deliver you from the snare of the fowler^[a]
And from the perilous pestilence.
⁴ He shall cover you with His feathers,
And under His wings you shall take refuge;
His truth shall be your shield and buckler.
⁵ You shall not be afraid of the terror by night,
Nor of the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ Nor of the pestilence that walks in darkness,
Nor of the destruction that lays waste at noonday.

 

Psalm 146:9a

The Lord watches over the strangers;
He relieves the fatherless and widow;

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord,
And He shall sustain you;
He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

 

Psalm 34:17-18

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
¹⁸ The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

 

WHEN THERE ARE NO WORDS,

HIS WORD WILL ALWAYS

BE ENOUGH

 



Graduation, Germs, Grossness, and Gentility

I have to start herding the girls towards bed in approximately 6 minutes, so I may not get this all done tonight.  But, seeing how it's the last thing on my to-do list for today, I'd sure like to try to get it done.

I went to three graduation open houses today.  The last was for one of Ben's Sp. Olympics teammates.  That was a sweet one.  She gave Ben a big hug when we walked into the driveway.  They had all kinds of desserts - cake, ice-cream and toppings, brownies, and -- a chocolate fountain with strawberries, pretzels, and marshmallows for dipping.  The kids were duly impressed, let me tell you!  They also fed a full pork meal, too.  I loved looking at her pictures.  Babies with Downs Syndrome are the cutest babies ever, I think!

At one of the other open houses, the graduate wore a shirt that proclaimed, "I'm sexy and I know it."  Classy.  I asked Will if he knew this kid's post-graduation plans and he replied, "partying, smoking, and getting tattooed."  Gotcha...

At the first party, they served us chicken cordon bleu!  It makes my planned hot dogs seem mighty cheap by comparison...

David is turning 14 next week.  That just kind of dawned on me a few days ago - not his birthday, but his age.  That's driving age!  So I've been letting him back the car out when the Littles need the driveway for bike riding.  When Will was 14, he was more than ready to get his permit.  He waltzed in there and aced the test on his first try.  Of course, he's the same boy who was giving me driving instructions from the back seat when he was six.  I don't think David is ready for a permit yet.  He's a nervous driver, which makes me nervous.  Just backing the van out around the house - a distance of maybe 6 feet, takes a good 10 min. and lots of stops and starts.  He's still not even sure which one is the brake pedal yet.  I may let Paul take over the driving instruction!

He and Ben have an egress window in their basement bedroom.  They have a window well now that's about 6' deep.  A man from church designed and built the entire thing for us, including the ladder that's down in there in case of fire.  It's really nice.  Well, a frog has taken up residence in the well and David is completely freaked out.  He hates frogs.  I mean, he hates frogs - always has.  He and Sam spent the majority of last Friday devising a trap made out of a box, a stick, and string that was designed to entrap the hapless reptile.  It didn't work, and the frog is still croaking outside David's window.  It's so bad the poor kid is having nightmares about frogs now!  I'm trying really hard not to laugh...

My mouth is doing lots better now.  I haven't had to take a pain pill since Monday.  I got my stitches out Tues. and the dentist said things are looking like they're supposed to.  I hope that's the last dental work I have to have for a long time!  I ended up catching Ellie's cold at the end of last week.  Only, it was a very odd cold.  Her's was a typical runny nose type cold.  But mine just gave me this nasty congestion that I had to blow out for about a week, but I never felt achy or sick and my nose didn't run.  I wonder if that has anything to do with the sinus surgery I had. But last Friday I woke up with complete laryngitis.  I have never lost my voice in my life (just ask my kids!) - it was so inconvenient!  I had to take Bella in for her surgery that day and had to whisper to the receptionist.  I received an important call from Ben's teacher and had to whisper on the phone to her - even more inconvenient!

Will is completely done with school now.  That means he's a little bit more available for help around the house, which is nice.  Wed. he had to have all his teachers sign off on his work.  His psych teacher who had him for 2 or 3 semesters sincerely told Will that the school is not the same since Will started.  He said that Will has changed the school for the better.  Wow!  Now, maybe he says that to all his students, I don't know, but it's still a nice thing to say!

This was our week for Craig's List finds.  We found 4 bar stools for the kitchen that match our cupboards perfectly for only $60.  And then I found a brand new love seat for $100.  Will wants to take my old, saggy one for his dorm room at Faith. 

Sam's MRI was Wed.  It went well.  They completely knocked him out and I was able to work on editing Will's final research paper while they did that.  Portable computers are a wonderful thing!  I got the results back the next day and his brain is perfectly fine.  So, we just wait on the Bell's Palsy to go away, I guess.  I've had several people comment, including Paul, that they think it has subsided a bit.  I don't know.  I don't really see it, myself, but he's with me all the time, so it's hard to say.

When we picked up Bella a week ago they told us to not use kitty litter for her for  two weeks because we had just had her declawed and it would be too rough on her healing paws.  So, we dutifully ripped up newspaper and filled her litter box with that.  I thought it was strange that the newspaper seemed to be staying awfully dry this week but was too busy and scatterbrained to think much about it.  Well, I got caught up on the laundry this week and discovered that she had been using my laundry pile as her litter box all week long!  Disgusting doesn't even begin to cover it!  I had to smell every single thing in that pile, pick up poop, re-wash the clothes in baking soda and vinegar.  She urinated on the carpet, which made the entire basement stink.  Ugh, ugh, ugh - THIS is why animals belong outside!  It was just odd, too, because she was so easy to litter train and has always been really good about using her box.  So I went out and bought the $10 box of scented litter, a scent thingy for her box, too, a pet odor removal disk for the basement, shampooed the carpet, and bought some Arm and Hammer pet odor vacuum stuff.  It's actually smelling pretty blissful now down there, so I think I got it taken care of.  Cat urine is just a nasty, nasty smell. 

Well, it's nasty when it's places it's not supposed to be.  It actually brings back fond memories because I think of when we would take our cat to her yearly visit.  Dr. Spay's office (yes, that was really his name!) always had this particular smell.  Of course, as a kid, I didn't realize that it was cat urine I was smelling.  I just thought that was a smell unique to veterinarians' offices!  This place I took Bella too didn't smell like that at all.  But they were burning a candle that they also were advertising for sale that is supposed to eliminate pet odor.  Apparently, it works.

This next week is going to be busy.  Monday, a couple of the boys have dental appts. I have my mom's group that evening.   Tuesday I have to go the chiropractor and Lizzie's therapist and then the boys have a softball game that night.  Wednesday I am going to spend in town all day, getting everything needed for the party.  Thursday, Ben has a physical in the morning for his application to Genesis and then that afternoon we are going up to Ames for his bocce ball tournament.  Friday I will spend getting ready for my 2 week shopping on Sat.  In between all this I have to be getting the house ready for the party.  I'd like to fit a hair appt. in there somewhere, too.  I really, really need to get up to City Hall and get some work done, too, but I think I am going to have to push that off until after the party.  I am not planning ANY outside appts. for the following week, but we'll see what happens.  I did have a lady at church volunteer to take the Littles for a day or two that week before the party and I definitely plan to take her up on that!

Oh, I think I have time for a rant before I close: it's now warm out (hard to believe that two weeks ago at this time we had snow!).  People are turning on the air and pulling out their summer clothes.  In fact, this week I actually packed away everybody's winter stuff.  Tuesday night I attended Ben's spring concert and it was the same old, same old.  The girls are told to wear dresses but what they show up  in - the vast majority, not all - is appalling.  They've got breasts hanging out, jiggling all over, skirts riding up to just under their buttocks, and all these chubby girls are wearing clothes that do not do anything to enhance their looks (not that skinny girls should be wearing stuff like that either!).  I don't blame the girls.  They're buying what's in the stores, what they see on tv, what their friends are wearing.  But I do blame their parents, who ought to know better.  One thing I have slowly deduced about the Pleasantville community is that it has a definite "trashy" element to it.  Obviously, that's not everybody, but the more I observe, the more I am concluding that it's probably the majority of people that fall into that category.  Of course, this is where pride can creep in, I suppose (thank Heavens I'm not like THEM!) and I have to guard against that.  And then Thurs. night I had to go to Walmart.  I went to the south side store, which, admittedly, is not a bastion of class.  But I just found myself getting crankier and crankier as I was forced, the entire time I was in there,  to look at women wearing super-tight tank tops (often plastered to their rolls of fat), cut off booty-shorts, and tattooed breasts jiggling out of their tops.  Eww - please, people.  If not for yourself, cover up for me!  I suppose I should climb off my self-righteous soap box about now.  But I just find it irritating, this year, more than ever before, for some reason.

Ok, I need to go cut Paul's hair.  I may be up a bit late waiting for that because he's outside working on the house and I definitely don't want to get in the way of progress!

Oh, Will is being promoted at his job, to cashier.  Moving on up!

That's all for now.  Well, I'm sure there's more, but that's all that made it onto my list.  Maybe I'll blog again before Will's party, but don't hold your breath.

Braids, Teeth, Eyes, and Being Thankful

I'm going to write this in between taking out the girls' braids in preparation for their bath/hair washing tonight.  Over the weekend I put in a whole army of little baretted braids in each of their heads.  Hairwashing night was supposed to be Monday, but after doing that much work I decided to let them wear them a little longer!  But then yesterday I noticed that Lizzie's head was stinking, so I guess you can't go too far beyond that 10 day wash period.  Of course, all the kids have been playing outside with the nice weather this week, so their heads have undoubtedly gotten a little sweaty.

Such a contrast in weather we've had in just the last week.  The beginning of last week was like it is now - warm, sunny, and shorts weather.  But Friday morning we woke up to more than 6" of snow and Ben had a snow day - on MAY 3!!!  Prior to that, the latest I ever recall having snow was on April 20.  Just bizarre...

I am in major, unexpected pain right now.  Ok, probably not as much as that bird that just dove into my window beside the computer as I was typing that sentence, but pretty close!  Last Thursday and Friday I noticed some pain in a tooth.  I figured it was just my sinuses acting up, popped a couple of Advil, and didn't think anything of it.  But when I woke up Saturday - oh, my goodness!  I was in agony, with pain radiating all the way up to my ear.  And of course, it was Saturday.  So I self-medicated for two days and then Monday morning I called my dentist and got in.  I was baffled at the tooth pain because two weeks ago I had my check-up and they said I didn't have any cavities at all.  Well, the dentist said he thought a nerve had gone bad (they can do that?).  He was leaning towards sending me to an oral surgeon, but I asked him if he'd do it instead.  I didn't want to wait for another appointment and I knew that it would cost bigger bucks with a surgeon.  We do have dental insurance, but I think we're still responsible for about half of everything.  It was the farthest back tooth on my left side and it was time to get it out.  What an ordeal!  The dentist had to break it out in pieces and I was NOT all the way numb.  He had to cut away part of the bone and then stitch me shut.  I have to go back in to have those removed next week.  On top of that, at one point, the dentist's tool slipped and hit the back of my throat, so that's all raw now.  The side of my tongue feels like hamburger.  So I'm a mess!  I'm living on Vicodin and pudding.  The kids keep trying to make me talk, just so they can hear how funny I sound.

But Paul was sweet.  He picked up my prescription for me on his way home from work Monday and came home with a "Get Well Soon" mylar balloon.  That silly balloon cheered me up so much!

This week I was able to finally get most of my kitchen decorations hung back up after more than a year of having them down.  To me, the decorations are such an important thing.  I know whenever we've moved, I've never felt like we're completely moved in until everything is hanging on the walls.  I'm not sure how it worked out, but now I have more wall space than I did before.  Before we remodeled, I had absolutely no room in that kitchen to hang up anything else.  But now I need to visit some more craft shows!

Things are coming together on the house.  Paul has a little bit of trim work left to hang, the kitchen floor to put down, a patch or two of drywall that needs to be painted and the front porch to be re-built.  We've got 3 1/2 weeks until D-Day - think he can make it?  I need to completely clean out the mud room and paint a few bare spots in there.  I got the invitations out the end of last week and we have a menu figured out.  Now I'm just trying to figure out how to buy for the projected 100-200 guests we've been told to expect.  And I'm not sure how much help to round up, either.  Paul's folks are coming and I'm trying not to worry about that, either, but it's hard when certain people don't know how normal people are supposed to act in public!  But his mom is making up 4 sheet cakes that she swears will feed 200, so that's good, and will save us money.

We visited the eye dr. again this week.  He kept saying that he thinks it's "very wise" of us to have the MRI next week.  He's the one who told us to have it done and scheduled it!  I really doubt there's any inflammation in Sam's brain, but there is some growing concern because his face has not yet gone back to normal.  While we were there, Sam picked out his glasses.  I didn't intend to have him pick his own, but he saw these tortoiseshell, "nerdy" frames and just insisted that THESE were the ones!  He was so disappointed when he found out he couldn't take them home that day and keeps asking me how many more days until he gets his glasses?  Maybe this is a good sign, that I won't have to encourage him to be responsible with them!  They did cost over $200, though, and we had to pay that up front - ouch!  Insurance will reimburse us $100 of that, but I wasn't expecting to pay all that up front like that!

More and more of Sam's personality seems to be emerging these days.  He's so laid back - very much like Will.  One day last week David had been watching all the Littles and was aghast when he discovered that Sam had removed the latch plate on the girls' door with a screwdriver.  He couldn't wait to tell me when I walked in the house just how horrible Sam had been!  Sam very nonchalantly defended himself by saying, "I just needed to know how it worked!"  He had put the plate back on, so I didn't think it was a big deal.  When he saw I wasn't upset, he immediately ran to get his screwdriver.  So I felt it then prudent to suggest to him that he might want to ask before taking apart anything else!  Lately, Sam has been fascinated with how all things work, not just things.  He's wanting detailed explanations of the brain and circulatory systems.  That is so not me!  I'm willing to accept how things work on sheer faith, and I'm having to dig into the recesses of my brain to explain some of these things to him.  We've got some good science books.  Maybe we'll start out his kindergarten year in science by learning about the human body!

One night last week Lizzie was complaining to Sam about something he had said or done that offended her.  Sam just shrugged his shoulders and said, "That's the way God made me!"  Then he launched into a monologue on how God makes everyone different in so many ways.  I think Lizzie was a bit sorry she had said anything by the time he got done!

Tomorrow we are having a meeting at the school to firm up Ben's IEP for next year.  I, along with his case manager and our family advocate, are wanting Ben to have a number of work-related job experiences next year and to be very focused in these three remaining years of school.  At the same time, the school is wanting to do summer school with him because they have recently started using a word-prediction writing program with him and the kid is churning out some amazing pieces of writing!  I nearly cry every week when his teacher emails his pieces to me because it is a wonderful, wonderful thing to be able to finally have a deeper glimpse into Ben's brain and to realize that he has the same thoughts and feelings that we all do.   But I had already begun making arrangements for him to enter a work training facility in Indianola for both job training and recreation.  So, now we have to figure out how to make everything work.  Just scheduling this meeting - finding a day and time that would work for the 6 of us that needed to be there - was a nightmare in and of itself.  Oh, my goodness!  I was nearly in tears before I finally got it all nailed down.

As it is, I'm probably going to kill myself before getting there.  Tomorrow is the Sp. Olympics Unified Sports Day at Drake and both Will and David are going with Ben.  But I need a babysitter for my Littles for the meeting!  So I'm going to drive up to Drake, collect David around lunchtime, and then go to the meeting.  Ugh!

I suppose it all seems extra overwhelming just because I'm in so much pain right now.  Last night I actually vomited up my mac n cheese into the kitchen sink.  I have no idea why.  But I had been feeling clammy off and on all day - probably mediation or mouth related.  But that sure didn't feel good  on my raw throat.  But I felt better afterwards.

Oh, we need to be praying for the girls' three oldest bio brothers.  They've been removed from the home where they were going to be adopted.  It was never a good placement and now something horrible has happened.  They need - so badly - a good mom and dad.  My heart aches for them.

You know, I'm tired and I'm hurting and I'm stressed, but life is still good.  Early last week I was driving and I was suddenly so overcome by thankfulness for all God has given me.  I can recall very few times in my life before where I have felt that degree of gratitude - much to my shame.  I just felt like weeping as I thought about the many, many good things in my life. I don't deserve any of those things, but yet, God has given them.   That's kind of a random thought there, but I didn't want to blog and not include this because I have not been able to forget about this event, if you want to call it that.  May I continue to be so aware and so thankful.

Well, I've got girls with soapy heads sitting in the tub.  I suppose I had better go take care of them.

Beautiful Spring, Crazy Days

It's a beautiful spring day - the kind of day we spent all winter waiting for, I think.  Unfortunately, today and tomorrow are supposed to be it for nice days this week.  Then, it's going to get chilly again.  I really need it to warm up and stay up - not only for my own sanity, but because I'm in the final countdown towards Will's graduation.  Right now I have two seasons of everyone's clothes out and I would really like to get all the winter stuff packed up before the party.  Oh, it will happen - I'm just impatient this year, I guess.

I'm sort of working on Will's party, but I am just having the hardest time getting motivated.  I suppose that's fueled by own unwillingness to admit that he really, truly is graduating and getting ready to leave me forever.  And it's because there are still a few projects remaining on the house before I would even want a burgler to visit, let alone, all my friends!  But it's a month from this Wednesday, so I had better get moving!  I'm almost done with his announcements/invitations and I think we have a menu hammered out now.  I just need to figure out how much of everything I need to buy, how much help to ask for, and clean my house from top to bottom (ugh).

Will and I went up to Faith last week to crunch numbers with the Financial office.  It's actually going to work and with Will having to take on only a small amount of debt.  So that's good!  What's not good is that I totally forgot I had a mammogram scheduled for that morning and blew them off to run up to Ankeny.  Oops.

The house is getting there, thanks to how slow it's been for Paul's work this March and April.  Last week he got the rest of the kitchen ceiling tiles in and drywalled in one of the pantry cabinets, making an extra-long, tall cupboard.  That little bit of drywalling needs to be painted, along with the spot behind the piano in the backroom where the window used to be.  He needs to get the trim up around the backroom door, too.  I noticed that he smoothed out all the dirt where the porch used to be, in anticipation of re-building the porch.  We have to get the new kitchen floor down and clean up the yard and then we'll be ready!  Wonder if we can do it in a month...

We've had a bit of an ordeal with Sam lately, as most of my FB friends are aware.  A week ago I noticed that his face was "off."  We ended up taking him to the ER and discovered that he has Bell's Palsy, which is paralysis of the face (in his case, half his face).  His was presumably caused by his recent bout with the chicken pox.  So, in the space of 4 days, we had to see 4 different drs, including the ER visit.  We saw an infectious disease guy who was quite nice.  He's so interested in Sam's case that he called me back a few days later and is asking that the results of Sam's upcoming MRI be sent to him.  We saw an eye specialist because now Sam's right eye doesn't close all the way.  It's kind of freaky - when he does blink, we can see his eyeball rolling up into his head!  We also found out Sam needs glasses at that visit.  Then, we had to have a pre-op physical done the next day.  They're going to do an MRI of his brain (sedated) on the 15th just to rule out any brain inflammation.  This ought to be fun, since he has had zero experience with needles since he was infant.  Right now he's on a couple of meds and we're really hoping that they do the trick and get his face back to normal.  So far, they're not working, though.  The drs said that his face will probably come back, but they can't guarantee it.  It could be days, they said, or weeks.  I've been doing some research and talking to others and it sounds more like months is more common.  Although, I haven't actually talked to anyone who has experience with children and Bells Palsy.

So, you know - this is just one of "those" things.  It's not the end of the world, Sam isn't in any pain.  He's annoyed when he eats because he can't get it in very fast anymore and his speech is a bit slurred.  He looks a little odd.  But, he's not sick, he doesn't have a disease, he hasn't been injured - things could be worse.

I got a new dining room set last week, which was kind of unexpected.  I've been wanting a new table since we got the girls.  It's been a bit difficult to fit 8 of us around our 6' table.  Paul's actually been more on the look-out for one, though, then I have.  I assumed we were looking at big bucks for something new and it takes work to find something used on Craig's List (which is the exact reason I am still sitting on my very saggy and dilapidated love seat - I don't want to take the time and effort to hunt down something better!).  He ran up to Homemakers one day last week in his truck because they had advertised a little computer desk we were interested in.  We moved our office down to the basement the week before last, but are keeping the computer upstairs and needed something to put it on.  Well, while at Homemakers Paul ran across this table and chair set that had been returned and was marked down 2/3 of the price!  He called and described the table to me and it sounded exactly what I have wanted.  Our last table was ornate and I just don't like that kind of stuff.  I am really a simple kind of girl, when it comes to furniture, anyway.  So I took a leap of faith and told him to go ahead and buy it!  I love the table.  It looks like old planks of wood fastened together.  When you put the leaves in it's a full 8' long and it's 2" wider than our last table was, too.

The chairs I'm not crazy about - I don't hate them, but they don't inspire any fond feelings on my part, either.  I've always wanted old-fashioned ladder back chairs, so someday I'll find what I want.  Actually, the table came with 6 chairs.  We had 2 wooden, simple chairs we were using, too, so I spray painted them black to match the new ones - it works for now!

Bella has an appt. next Friday to get de-clawed, fixed, and to get a rabies shot.  We're going to drop her off first thing in the AM and pick her up at that afternoon, getting her all taken care of at once.  About two weeks ago she started acting really strange and we thought maybe one of the kids had hurt her back.  She was yowling all the time and this cat very rarely ever meows.  She was laying funny, like it hurt her, kept her back legs straight.  I was getting ready to call the vet.  Well, my neighbor was over one day, helping me with my printer (an ordeal when it came to printing Will's invites) and he told me that Bella was in heat!  I was so shocked.  I did not know kittens could do that!  I looked it up on the internet and sure, enough, that's what it was.  Boy, am I glad I didn't call the vet!

I had kind of a nasty experience last Thurs.  Lizzie and I ran errands all day.  It was a nice, mother-daughter type of day.  One thing I had to do was run to Mid-K, which is a black beauty supply store in Des Moines.  Since it is located really close to Methodist Hospital and I had an appt. there, I decided to do those things together.  Bad idea.  I'll try to condense this, but basically what happened was that there was a woman in the store who recognized Lizzie and called her grandmother to tell her we were there.  I also got very bad service there and I'm convinced it had to do with the color of my skin.  We got out of there rapidly, but I just felt like my skin was crawling afterwards.  We are doing everything we can to remove Lizzie from her past.  It's not that I have any problem with her being black (I think she's beautiful) or black people in general,  but being in that kind of not-nice environment was a reminder of where she came from. And it stirred up all kinds of icky feelings in me - jealousy, fears that we won't be able to totally give her a new life, fears that she may choose to go back in adulthood - stuff like that. 

I ended up emailing Jenn (who used to have the girls and adopted their brother) about it the next day and she immediately called me and we talked for quite awhile.  It was nice to just talk to someone who understands, who isn't going to think I'm racist because I'm uncomfortable in that kind of environment.  The thing is that by adopting children who were not given up willingly and by remaining in the same metro area, Jenn and I have sentenced ourselves to a lifetime of looking over our shoulders every time we are out and about with the children.  I do think it will get easier when the kids are older and less recognizable and after the birth mom has moved on with her life.  But for now we have to be more cautious.  It's still worth it, though!

A week ago Paul and I went to a movie event at the Fleur cinema.  Actually it was a documentary.  It's called "Stuck" and it is an amazing account of the plight of the millions of children waiting to be adopted overseas and the hundreds of thousands of parents who want them.  But the red tape of governments, and treaties are standing between them, creating an almost impossible situation at times. And children are left, unadopted in often very pitiful orphanage situations when they had people willing to be t heir parents.   But yet it was so inspiring to see the fight that the profiled parents had for children they had never even held in their arms yet, in some cases.  So awesome!  The theater was nearly sold out.  To my delight, Jenn was there, too!  It was just a one-time viewing.  The guy who made this (an adoptive father of 3 Haitian children) film is on an 80 city tour and we were fortunate enough to be on the list.  Paul happened to hear an interview with him on the radio last week, called me and suggested I listen, and that's how we found out about the movie.

I spent last Saturday in Council Bluffs with Kathy.  It had been six months since we had seen eachother - way too long.  We had such a nice, relaxing day of shopping and catching up.  I need those times!

Well, I have laundry to hang outside (such a nice thing to have to do!), picking up that needs to happen, Camp Coins to work on with Ben, and a hope chest to unload so that it can be moved.  I have to do all while hobbling, too.  I tripped over a board tonight and scraped my ankle and hand, twisted my foot, and wrenched my back.  I'm thinking the two advil I took aren't doing the job, either...I'm getting more and more dangerous as I get older.

The next time I blog we'll be within a couple of weeks of Will's graduation.  I may be certifiably insane by that point. 

Prom, Ben, More Pox, and Widdling Down

Ack - I can't believe how long it's been since I've been on here - just indicative of my life at the moment, I guess!

I got Will and Ben off to Prom Alternative today.  I'm a nervous wreck about Ben.  He's got Will, so I know he'll be ok, but I'm still nervous.  However, I did have fun getting pics of the boys together, all dressed up!  It was just one of those, "Ahh - I'm so glad I decided to be a mom!" moments...They're going up to Minneapolis.  Ben is so, so excited about going to Mall of America.  We were just there 5 years ago - wonder if he remembers that?

Let's see, let me get caught up here:  I mentioned in my last post that Lizzie and I were going to the ballet the day before Easter.  That was really neat!  She was so excited that she was bouncing up and down in her seat before it started.  Afterwards, she couldn't wait to meet Snow White in person!  I realized that I had never been to a ballet myself, either.  I think of myself as being a pretty "low-brow" type of person when it comes to the arts, but I really enjoyed watching the show, even though I do not "get" ballet (to me it's still a bunch of people hopping around on their tip-toes.  How many times and in how many different ways can one do that?).  In fact, I may even be able to wrangle up a Jewels post out of it.  The thing about ballet, I discovered, is that you are forced to think during the performance, unlike any other entertainment that provides speaking and singing for the audience.

Ben had his Special Olympics field day this past Tues.  It was gray and rainy (April in Iowa) but we only got rained on once.  He did well and got 2 red ribbons and one yellow.  I'm so thankful he didn't score any blue ones so we don't have to go to Ames for the championships!  He will have to go up there one afternoon in May for bocce ball, but that's it.  I had one of those "pure joy" moments that always take me surprise because of their rarity.  Ben was finished with his last race and the Olympics were pretty much all over for everyone at that point.  All of sudden, Sam and Lizzie just spontaneously started racing each other on the Simpson track.  It was so fun to watch!  They each made it half the distance before collapsing.

This past Monday I visited a sheltered workshop in Indianola called Genesis.  The school is wanting Ben to start working there a little bit next fall.  I wanted to see just what this place is before agreeing.  I'm ok with it, but if it's going to happen, it's going to be on a limited basis.  Learning to wash and fold laundry (the facility takes care of the laundry needs for several area hospitals) is fine for Ben, but it's not going to be the sum existence of his possible job training.  I really intend to push the school into providing numerous job training/shadowing opportunities for Ben in the next couple of years.  I was able to meet yesterday with the new sp. ed teacher the school hired after Spring Break. I was really impressed with him, even though I am quite sure I am old enough to be his mother!  Well, I know I am.  He told me he just graduated from college in Dec!  Technically, he's just a long-term temp, but I plan to put a bug in the principal's ear, for whatever it's worth, that I would not be opposed in the least to the school choosing to hire him full-time after this year ends.

Paul and I took our permit-to-carry class last night.  It was interesting.  I don't know that I am any more anxious to buy my own gun, but I'm going to.  I definitely see the need to be able to protect myself and the kids.  Losing my fear of firearms is the first step.

Did I mention that David, Sam, and Elli all had the chicken pox?  They got them two weeks after Ben did.  Elli's wasn't too bad of a case, so she might get again later on.  But I'm pretty sure David and Sam are taken care of!

Being sick didn't dampen Elli's mischievousness, though.  In a space of four days, she flooded the kitchen ceiling, tipped over a 7' cabinet and breaking off the door, and furiously scribbling over freshly drywalled and painted kitchen walls with a red crayon (and when I scrubbed the crayon with a magic eraser, the paint came off).  This week she took an ink pen to David's Bible.  He was one very unhappy brother!

They had a nice write-up about Will in the Marion Co.newspaper a few weeks ago.  Actually, it was a terrible write-up, but it still made me proud.  The paper does what they call "senior spotlights" every spring where they publish a senior's picture and the results of a survey they send them.  Will gave a really strong Christian testimony and talked about how his biggest influence was his dad, who lives his life "according to God's Word" and things like that.  In fact, one lady at church told me that reading it made her "proud to know Will"!  Now, if I had about 10 more hours in every day, I would march down to the Knoxville office and demand that they hire me to take over the current editor's job.  I have never seen such poor writing in my life - this woman switches tenses, misspelled my name, wrote in fragments, misspelled words, capitalized things when she should not have, and didn't capitalize when she should have.  I'm still not over it - just shuddering.  It's almost as bad as when my mom recently told me the Waterloo Courier published a sports headline that talked about some team "widdling" down the competition.  Help me - I think I'm going to need medical help soon!

Ok, need to start supper.  I'm caught up - good for a couple of weeks, I think!