Gifts Galore

Isn't this the greatest picture?  It's my great niece, Elli, with my Ellie, which is kind of funny, in and of itself.  Elli is just "Elli" (although I have a memory of trying to convince her mother to name her "Eleanor" when she was carrying her) and my Ellie is an "Eleanor," of course - because I'm old-fashioned and like traditional names, I guess.  Both girls are in the process of being adopted.  Paul's folks are adopting 8 year old Elli and her younger brother, Zach.  I think I heard they have an adoption date of Feb. 19.  We're still waiting for our adoption date!  But  since the appeals process is finished, I do now have the freedom to post pics of girls on the internet, my adoption worker told me.  So, I am!  This week I made a 111 picture album on Facebook of all the pics of the girls I couldn't share the last 6 months.  That was fun, although time-intensive.

I had a couple of different blessings this week that are related to the girls.  I ended up going to lunch with my new-ish friend, Kerri, on Monday.  She is actually a pastor's wife in W. Des Moines.  We were in PS-MAPP classes together and while we talked briefly in class, it really wasn't until I found her on Facebook that we got to know eachother.  And now, we really know each other!  We sat out at the Jordan Creek food court for 3 1/2 hours talking Monday.  I had no clue that much time had elapsed until we left and I saw that it was almost 5 pm!  She and her husband are going down the same path we are (potential adoption) and she had some questions.  What's really unique is that last spring it looked like her family was going to be adopting our girls, along with some of their siblings.  But then it didn't work out and we got called instead.  I had been "attracted" to Kerri and her husband in class because it didn't take long to figure out that they were fellow Believers.  What a small, small world it is sometimes.  Lizzie still talks about going swimming with "Miss Kerri" - something that happened before we knew her.

I took Lizzie in for a hair consultation yesterday with Sarah.  I'm making lots of progress with figuring out styling, but her hair still needs some help.  Sarah has some ideas and we're going back next week for a cut and some sort of chemical relaxer to make it easier.  I asked Sarah how much this would cost so I could budget it in, but she wants to give it to me.  She has already given us so much for the girls!

And speaking of giving, my friend Julie is starting her own photography business.  She's been taking classes and is quite talented, I think.  She asked me this week if she could do family photos for us - for free because of the adoption.  I would just buy a memory card for her camera and then I could print what I needed.  We're going to do both indoor and outdoor shots.  I've always loved the outdoor family photo shoots I see friends post on FB, but have always assumed something like that would cost way more than going to Portrait Innovations so I've never pursued arranging anything like that for us.  So I think I know what I'm doing for next year's Christmas cards!

I found a new therapist this week for Lizzie.  Actually, Sarah told me about her - she practices just 3 doors down from Sarah's shop in Indianola.  I talked with her yesterday and we're going to give it a shot.  If it's not a good fit she said she wouldn't be offended if I dropped her.  Now I just need to call the old therapist and fire her - ugh.  I also have to track down our adoption worker and get her to sign the paperwork for the therapy.  That may be tricky since she's a pretty busy lady.

I went to the dr. again this week.  He says I have lost more weight since I was there last month (ok, only a pound, but it's still a loss).  He's also concerned because my white blood count is down.  I have no idea what that could mean.  So, I am waiting to hear from his nurse who was supposed to be setting up a sinus x-ray for me.  He promised me that "we'll figure out what's going on!"  I sure hope so.  I had to give more blood this time, too, and this nurse was not very good at it.  Boy, did that one burn.  Two days later and my arm is still throbbing!

Sam is bugging us for a cell phone.  I think that is so funny.  This has been going on for awhile; he renewed his efforts this week.  I have tried to explain to him that his brothers were teens and we only bought their phones out of sheer necessity (just Will and David, though), but he's not buying it.  He needs a cell phone and the sooner, the better, in his opinion!

Will and David went to Winter Melt-Down up at camp last weekend.  I tried to convince Ben to go but when he found out that he'd have to be outside for some of the time, he declined.  That's my boy!  I'm not one for the great outdoors, either.  They had a really good time.  I guess Will gave another guy a concussion while there.  He wasn't a student, but  a youth leader from a Des Moines church, I guess.  I felt so terrible, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of guys playing floor hockey or whatever it was they were doing.  I guess Will chucked him right into the  cement wall and he had to go to the hospital.  But he came back, so I guess all is ok.  If he had been an actual student, I think I would have tried to track him down to check with his parents to make sure he was ok.  Will does tend to be a bit aggressive in his playtime.

Our friend, Jason, is now the activities director up at camp.  He got it in his head to tease Will and a girl from our youth group all weekend long.  Somehow he got ahold of pictures of the two of them, flashed them on the screen in the chapel, and got all the attendees to start teasing them about their "couple" status.  Poor, poor Will...

The kids had to give testimonies on Sun. night about their camp experience.  David was already shaking by lunchtime, he was so nervous.  I suggested to him that he try to imagine the audience in their underwear.  He then wailed, "That'll just make me feel worse, Mom!"  But he did fine.  Will shone - he's the oldest in the entire youth group now since the two other seniors that were there left.  He had a great testimony.  Afterwards, at least two different people said to me, "That's a fine boy you've got there, Sarah!"  Yeah, I know!

Just yesterday I found Will reading a book about abortion and our culture of death.  He's not a huge reader, so I was curious why he was reading.  He explained that he had borrowed the book from a friend because in his Developmental Psych class they are going to be studying the subject of abortion.  He said he wanted to be ready to be able to stand up and "defend the babies."  Ahh - so proud.  If you want to read some other thoughts of his, here is his latest blog post.  I was quite impressed - and I probably would still feel that way, even I hadn't given birth to him!

http://runningtherace-sportsandlife.blogspot.com/2013/01/happiness-for-life-and-eternity.html?spref=fb

But then, there are other moments that make you realize you still have so, so far yet to go with your kids...

 Sunday night I was registering Will for our state's homeschool graduation ceremony (it's June 1 - you're all invited, by the way).  We had to fill in what we'd like on the diploma and how we'd like his name announced.  Well, Will informed me that he wanted just "Will Heywood" on his diploma and for the announcement.  I told him no way.  He has a fine name and we're using the whole thing.  He was not happy about that.  Paul told him he needed to "grow up."  I then felt compelled to remind him about my very painful c-section that allowed him to enter this world.  I thought about telling him about the bloody nipples, too, but decided to save that for next time...There is nothing wrong with the name, "Walter."  I love that name and had specific reasons for choosing it.  And then, we have to choose a name for our homeschool that they'll print on the actual diploma.  We never had a name - we just homeschooled.  Will seriously wanted us to call it the "Heywood School of Awesomeness" and tried cajoling me into using that for the longest time.  He was serious!  I'm still rolling my eyeballs over that one.  You think they are so grown-up and then they suddenly revert back to being about 10 years old again...

Well, I need to keep moving.  We've been watching some friends' 13 yr old son for the past few days while his sisters have surgery in IA city.  He's David's age (actually a couple of months older) but plays better with Sam.  It's been an interesting few days!  I've got a lot to get accomplished today, though, so I need to get off my comfy bed and actually go do it.

Upchucking, Upgrading, and Uplifted

It seems like everyone has been sick lately.  It's even all over the news, how the flu is just sweeping the Midwest and other regions.  Something like 11 states are declaring that they have flu "epidemics."  It makes it sound like it's smallpox or something.  Come on, people, it's just the flu!

It went through our house, although not everyone succumbed.  A few days before Christmas Will and David had 24 hour bugs.  Paul and I went on a date the Sat. after Christmas.  We ended up eating at the Bass Pro restaurant - Uncle Bucks.  I wasn't terribly impressed by the place, anyway, when I was greeted at the entrance by a 4' wooden Uncle Buck holding a voluptuous and scantily-clad mermaid.  Really?

At 4 in the morning the next day we both woke up, sick as all get out.  The older boys went to church.  We put up gates, turned on the tv, and let the Littles have a "Lord of the Flies" type of morning while we fought death, ourselves, in the bedroom.  I was up and moving by the next day.  Paul still isn't quite back to normal.  That first evening he had a massive grand-mal seizure in the bathtub.  I heard him in the other room, so I went in there and he unconscious in the bathtub, foaming at the mouth.  So I turned off the water so he wouldn't drown.  He came out of it a few minutes later, like I knew he would.  But it really affected him, physically.  We figured up that it had probably been close to 10 years since he had had a real grand mal seizure.  His new medication keeps him from seizing now and it used to be that when he would attempt to seize at night, I could interrupt the seizures and his side effects would then be minimal.  But there was no stopping this one.

I have new countertops!  Well, I have new countertops sitting out in the back room.  Paul put one in, but hasn't done the others yet.  I will be SO glad when this kitchen is finished!  I found a dark navy pattern and ordered that; to my surprise, it has bits of pink in it.  It's not terribly noticeable, but I definitely would not have ordered it had I known there was pink in the design.  I can live with it, though.  One section of the countertop is wider than a normal one - it flows out into the kitchen as kind of an island, although it's attached to the other counters.  We're going to get some stools to put around it for an eating area.  The guy asked if we wanted to bevel the edges when we ordered it (for an extra charge) but I didn't want to.  I'm wanting a clean, crisp look, which is why I ordered them without back splashes (which cost more, too).  However, I suspect that all the kids are going to have dented skulls when they are around 6 and reach the height of the counters.  It's a pretty sharp edge that sticks out into the middle of the room!  The nice thing is that even though we ordered the countertops on sale, they went on sale even more the next week.  So Paul took in his receipt and we ended up getting a $140 store credit.  Yay, Menards!

Paul's birthday was last Friday.  He had me make fried chicken for supper, which was his supper request a year ago, too.  I finally figured out the secret to good fried chicken a couple of years ago and now everyone seems to think it is the best food ever and I get requests to make it all the time.  It's rather time-intensive, though.  His parents came the next day.  They arrived an hour earlier than they had said, which threw me.  David said I was rude, but I think he's overly-sensitive.  I mean, my hair was wet, I hadn't made my bed yet - grrr.  I'd rather have someone show up late than too early like that!  They couldn't figure out why I was upset, either, which figures.

We saw the therapist again last week.  This time she told me that children are incapable of discerning truth from non-truth until about the age of 12.  Uh-huh.  I think I need to find a new therapist...one who has a brain.

We did hear from the courts this week.  Well, actually, I heard from Jenn, who heard from the courts.  Nobody actually ever officially tells us anything.  I told Jenn that I feel like we are the stinky 3rd cousins nobody wants to talk to.  She said she feels like she's been dubbed the secretary by the courts!  But anyway, the appeals court did uphold the termination ruling.  So, the birth mom has come to the end of the line, pretty much, for what she can do.  It should only be a matter of time before we're in touch with the attorney and getting an adoption day date.

I want to have the girls picture taken for their adoption - a picture I can use for their adoption announcements.  Thinking it was going to be happening in December, I bought them coordinating outfits the day after Thanksgiving.  They've been hanging on a rod ever since.  I had finally decided that if I did not hear anything about the appeals process by Jan. 15 I was going to go ahead and just put the clothing in the girls' dressers.  We would just have to buy new outfits (sundresses, maybe?) when the adoption actually did finally happen.  But now, it looks like I may get to use those outfits after all!

We are going away for our 20th anniversary next month.  We started looking in earnest a week ago at some travel sites and finally booked airfare and a hotel last night.  It took all night long to figure out what we were doing, trying to get the best deal, etc, but we got it done!  We are flying out of Omaha two days after our actual anniversary to Denver.  I've never been to Colorado before.  We won't come home until 4 days later.    We're actually leaving the night before so we'll have a total of 5 days and 5 nights away.  I'm excited!  We need this time so badly right now.  I kind of look at it as an investment.  Plus, it's going to be really fun!

Perspective is always good, though.  I'm putting some real time and effort into my marriage right now - rooting out things that shouldn't be there, trying to look at myself honestly (ouch), etc.  This week a friend let me know that her husband (this is a Christian couple, even) had recently left her and their two very small children for another woman.  Wow.  There is a potential out there for devastation that doesn't even come close to touching my own life.  I am fortunate.

Ok.  I need to make that phone call now that I referenced in my last blog post.  Time to get yelled at by old, tattooed women living in trailers...the fun never stops!

Christmas Chaos

Saturday morning...and I don't have to go anywhere, today.  What a blissful feeling!  Of course, I do have to make a rather unpleasant phone call soon.  It's city stuff, to a resident who isn't following the rules.  I'm blogging now, so I can put if off for awhile longer.  I don't enjoy getting cursed at by old women in tank tops who don't wear bras.  I'd much rather write!  Or even go to the dentist...

Well, it's the new year and Christmas is over - thankfully.  I can't remember a Christmas where I was just so thankful to have it done!  I don't know if it was the stress of having two more children to buy and prepare for, just the stress of this last year, the fact that I haven't been feeling well for months...I don't know.  I hate that because I normally love Christmas!  Maybe next year will be better!

Paul was working crazy hours Christmas week.  We had intended to do our family Christmas on Christmas Eve.  But he didn't get home until 3 in the morning!  So, instead, we did it around 7 and then hotfooted it over to Council Bluffs for the day.  Paul's family is oblivious.  We had several people ask us that day, "So, who are the girls?"  I don't think anybody actually talks to anybody in that family.

The Christmas Eve service at church was really neat.  Tammy performed the piece I wrote.  I was nervous.  It was the last thing scheduled that night and my heart was just flip-flopping around while I listened to all the other musical things being done.  I had intended to go out into the foyer while she performed, but ended up just sitting and listening.  It was ...amazing.  She became Rachael (my character).  Tammy even went so far as to make up her face to look like she had been burned (you'll have to ask me for a copy of the story to understand).  Afterwards, our pastor gave a final few words and he was fighting tears - I was so touched that he was touched by my story.  But it really wasn't my story, which is why I got more and more uncomfortable the more people told me how much they liked it.  Yes, I wrote it.  But this fall I was coming up against the time Tammy needed it so she could start memorizing and I just had nothing!  So one morning I prayed that God would give me a story and very quickly afterwards, Rachael's story began forming in my mind.  So I really think I was just the fingertips God used to tell a story that He had in mind.

A few days later Tammy gave me a gift.  She had created a clay figuring of Rachael - just beautiful.  I think it was my favorite Christmas gift this year!  I put it on one of my kitchen shelves so I can look at it all the time.

A couple of days later I drove up to Waterloo with the kids.  That was nice, although a lot of people were fighting illnesses, which is understandable.  But it did diminish the fun somewhat.  Even Lizzie had a tummy ache for some of the time up there.  But she was fine.  She seems to have a pretty strong immune system, unlike her mother (me).  I stopped by and saw Sara and then came home. 

And that was our Christmas this year!  I had had thoughts that perhaps this year would be magical.  After all it would be our first Christmas with the girls.  Maybe next year will be magical.  Everything was just a little too new this year, I think.  Maybe I'll be healthier next year and Paul won't be on-call, either. Maybe I'll be in a happier mental place, too.  We'll see!

Largess

You know, if I don't receive a thing this week in the way of Christmas gifts, I've already been given a whole, whole lot.  I'll share about that in this post.

What a week it has been!  Maybe I just need to recount it chronologically, so I don't forget anything.  Last weekend was rough, to say the least.  It was so rough that we once again find ourselves on the receiving end of formal counsel - kind of humiliating to someone who likes to give the appearance of always "having it together."  But I honestly do not, I really don't.  I think God is going to use this time for His glory in the end, but I'm anticipating a rather painful time of soul-evisceration as I attempt to work through some issues with a counselor in the next few months.  Self-denial and cover-up is ever so much more comfortable!

Monday I went to the dr.  I've been sick off and on since late April - mostly "on."  It seems like I catch every single bug that comes along.  I've had 3  head colds since Thanksgiving alone (more than likely, it's the same cold that just subsides for a short time before rearing it's ugly, snotty head once again).  Plus, I'm back to losing weight again.  I thought that had leveled off, but I noticed a couple of weeks ago that my pants were getting saggy again.  I stepped on the scale and I was down an even 20 lbs. since I got the scale in March.  Not good.  I had actually addressed this with the naturopath/allergist/chiropractor Ben and I saw earlier this month.  He told me that it was because I "wanted to be sick" and that he had fixed that and it wouldn't be happening anymore.  Yes, well, telling me I "want" to be sick is NOT helpful at all and the very next week I was sick again after seeing him - so much for "fixing" me!  So, I saw my regular dr. on Monday.  He told me that I've actually lost closer to 25-30 lbs since I had my pre-adoption physical in the fall of '11.  He doesn't know if that is coincidental or related to my seemingly suppressed immune system.  He ran blood work and it all came back normal, which is very frustrating to me.  "What?  You were hoping he'd say you have cancer?" Paul sarcastically asked when I told him.  I see the dr. again in a few weeks - what he thinks he's going to do for me, I have no idea.  It's kind of discouraging.  Not to mention that I have even more clothes to take in, now, and I'm back to shifting around uncomfortably when I lay down or sit for too long (no padding).  I know, I know - half the world would love to have this problem and I think I would probably be more discouraged if I was struggling with being overweight, too.  At least being thin is socially acceptable(thankful this isn't the period of Rubenesque beauties)!  But it is still alarming to me to be losing weight so rapidly and not having a reason to wherewith to credit it.  Mostly, though, I'd just like to quit getting sick!  But, enough about my poor body.  As I get into my older years, I do NOT want to be someone who feels the need to share every ache and pain with my audience.

The next day, I attended a Christmas party for my mom's group.  I came away completely overwhelmed by the generosity of others.  Many, many people had donated gifts for our group.  I guess they feel sorry for us poor mothers of special needs kiddos!  I was given a space heater (that Paul quickly set up in our cold bathroom), a gift certificate to a fancy Jordan Creek steak house, a book, a certificate for an hour-long massage, a gift card to a local pizza joint, a kids' cd,  a decorative plate, some candle holders, lotion, soap, a flame-less candle, and tickets to Des Moines symphony.  I'm still reeling about the sheer amount of gifts I was given! I'm going to have a lot of thank-you notes to write, that's for sure!  It's always such a blessing just to spend an evening with this group of ladies, but to get treated like this on top of that - wow!

Wednesday, Ben's choir performed out at Merle Hay Mall.  That's the group above.  I dragged 4 kiddos with me.  Ben did such a good job, even though he had to stand and sing for an hour.  It was a little harder keeping the 3 Littles occupied while I tried to listen to Ben.  Afterwards, I had to manage lunch at the food court for the kids, plus Ben.  He had a different aide with him who isn't terribly familiar with his needs, so I kind of had to take over.  And David - well, money still presents a problem for him, so I had to go order his food once I had Ben and the Littles all settled and eating.  By the time I ate, my food was stone cold, which is not all that unusual for me.  Maybe that's why I'm losing weight!  I had to do a little bit of mall shopping afterwards and then I got to drive to the McDonald's by the airport and meet up with Matt, Kirsti, and the kids who had just flown in from Arizona for Christmas.  That was neat and fun and the highlight of my day!

That evening the snow started and didn't stop until the next day after we had gotten more than 7 inches.  It was a very wet, heavy snow.  After the last two winters we've had it was so much fun!  It was near blizzard conditions the next day because of the wind.  Paul didn't go to work, Sam and Lizzie were so anxious to play outside, the boys didn't have school - just a really nice, "snowed-in" kind of day!  And now it is assured that we will be having a white Christmas.  I'm not even sure when we last had one of those!  School was canceled again on Friday, which surprised me.  I was a little concerned because I knew Ben had done some shopping for Sam as part of his life skills class - I figured we'd have to buy a replacement gift for him.  But Ben's teacher emailed me and asked if we could meet at the school (even volunteered to drive to my house, but I wasn't about to let her do that) so she could get that to me.

Paul ended up being called into work on Thurs. evening.  He worked past midnight.  Then, his "on call" week started at 8am Friday.  He got home at 2 Sat. morning, got less than 4 hours of sleep, and got home last night (Sat) around 10:30.  He said he had gotten two more calls on the way home, but told the home owners he couldn't come until morning.  He needed to sleep!  He was out the door by 6:30 this morning and it's after 9 now and I'm not sure when I'll see him.

We were discussing this today.  It seems like he is always on call and super busy right around Christmas.  I'm trying to have a thankful heart because I remember how tough last winter was financially.  And the last couple of paychecks have been kind of short because up until this week, we've had a warm, dry start to our winter.  Money troubles always make me pretty antsy and worried and depressed.  But yet - it would be nice to be able to actually enjoy Christmas together.  Tomorrow night my piece is going to be performed by Tammy at our Christmas Eve service.  Will came home from church tonight and said they were "setting up" for it tonight but he wasn't allowed to tell me anything more.  That really has me curious!  And how I wish Paul could see that, too - a lot.  I really, really want him to see my thoughts come to life on the stage!  But I rather imagine he'll still be fixing furnaces then.  We're not even sure when we'll do our family gift exchange because we're taking off bright and early for Council Bluffs on Tuesday.  Sigh...but I just can't complain - too much, anyway.  Paul has a job and he's getting desperately needed hours right now.  When you have a half a dozen kids, you have to expect there to be some sacrifices along the way.

But still, it makes it easy for me to feel sorry for myself.  I think I'm hopeless - I feel sorry for myself when work is scarce and money is tight.  And I feel sorry for myself when Paul is working night and day because he's not around!

I felt the need to watch "Fireproof" again Friday night; Paul had watched it on his own a week ago.  I learn something new every single time I watch that.  This time it was about the importance of forgiveness - ouch, as that is a hard one for me!  Of course, I bawled all the way through the movie, even though I practically have the thing memorized.  I KNOW where the tear-jerker parts are, but I still cry every single time!  And I am not one to re-watch movies; Fireproof is an exception because it is just so amazing.

I have had lots and lots of trouble with Miss Lizzie lately.  I'm not sure what's going on in her little head, but it's translating to lots and lots of discipline issues.  When Paul is not here, that means that I am the one dealing with them.  It's hard - not unexpected, but hard, just the same.  Defiance is a really, really hard thing for me to deal with.  I find myself fighting anger (my own) more than I am used to dealing with.

I spent all day Saturday - yes, the Sat. before Christmas! - doing my normal bi-monthly shopping.  It actually went pretty smoothly, even though Sam and Lizzie insisted on coming.  They were both in an agreeable mood which made my day easier.  I did have to wait in line a really, really long time at Walmart, but fortunately, my kindle is always in my purse these days!  After we got done at Walmart I thought we were going to go home.  It was then that Lizzie realized she had lost her mittens (that were attached by a string in her sleeves).  Argh!  I knew the high was only supposed to be in the teens today, so she had to have mittens.  But I was not about to go traipsing all over Walmart looking for her mittens, esp. with two preschoolers and a loaded-down shopping cart.  So off to Younkers we went...I balked at the notion of paying $15 for a pair of small mittens, so I dragged the tired kids through the mall to the Children's Place and Gymboree, which, of course, did not have the needed mittens.  So I ended up paying $15 after all.

And then, today...today, today....I took the kids to church.  Well, David stayed home since he spent all day yesterday throwing up.  Fortunately, he seems to be doing better and nobody appears to have caught his germs.  I had a few nice conversations with friends at church and then headed home.  I fed the kids, had a horrible time with Lizzie who has recently decided that nap and bed times are her preferred battling grounds.  I picked up the house, did some laundry and present wrapping - just kind of slummed it all afternoon in my sweats.  And then this evening, the doorbell rings.  We don't even have a front porch right now since Paul dismantled it to do the basement.  All we have is a mound of dirt in front of the front door.  We've been using the back door only since late summer.  I opened the door and in traipses the entire youth group of the Pleasantville Church of Christ!  I don't know these teenagers, but most knew Ben.  In fact, quite a few of them are in choir with him.  They got in my house and kept asking, "Where's Ben, where's Ben?"  I found him and he was just thrilled to death to see his schoolmates.  They brought us a laundry basket just full of Christmas stuff - a huge ham, pies, cookies, a wax warmer, a table cloth, a gingerbread house kid, sparkling grape juice (which made the kids giggle since we are teetotalers and the bottles look like wine!).   I have no idea why the youth group chose to bless US, but I am grateful.  It made my evening.  I don't know if they think we are exceptionally poor or if it's because they feel sorry for Ben with his disabilities or maybe it was just because they like Ben, and thus us, by extension.  No matter the instigation, it was nothing short of a huge blessing.



This has turned into a frightfully long post - definitely should have broken it up until several small ones, I think.  I'll leave you with this on this Christmas Eve eve:

This week I was looking at Ellie in her high chair and commented quietly to no one in particular, "Boy, does she look like her mother!"  Will looked at me quizzically and commented, "I thought YOU were her mother!"  Ooh, touche, indeed!  But I am - not of her flesh, but of the heart.

Merry Christmas to all!

Old Boobies and New Names

Christmas is upon us.  I'm doing pretty well this year.  My shopping is all but done and about 2/3 of my cards have made it into my mailbox.  My baking is at a minimum this particular year and I finally figured out how to make my own peanut brittle that tastes really, really yummy!

My favorite Christmas hymn has always been "O, Holy Night."  My favorite version is when my husband sings it - gives me goosebumps!  Josh Groban's version is a close second.  But my all-time favorite secular Christmas song is "All I want for Christmas is You" sung by Mariah Carey.  That song can get me dancing around my kitchen like nothing else!  The other night I was doing Lizzie's hair, which is always a long and painful (for her) process.  You mothers of white children do not know how easy you have it when it comes to hair!  But I'm learning and parts are getting straighter and the hair itself is getting less fuzzy and dried-out looking all the time.  I digress, though.  Since there was a Christmas special on, I parked Miss Lizzie on the stool in front of the tv while I braided.  They announced that Mariah Carey would be singing "All I Want..." in a moment and I got excited.  There was a distinct possibility that Lizzie would end up with some crooked parts because there was no way I'd be able to listen without wiggling around at least a little bit!  Mariah comes on and her dress was cut away - far, far away.  Everybody in America got a bird's eye view of her huge breasts.  I bet half of the viewers (the male half) were thinking, "Yeah, I know what I want for Christmas!"

Lizzie pipes up, "Mommy, that is inappropriate!"  I had to agree with her.  But I had to secretly admit to myself that overriding feeling was not embarrassment at the singer's state of undress, but rather, jealousy.  Mariah Carey is my exact same age.  She was coming into her fame about the time I was in college and getting married so I've always kind of identified with her for age alone.  That's the only thing we have in common!.  I look down at my also-nearly - 42 year old chest and sigh.  Life is so, so not fair.

I was reminded too, of the year my brother, Matt, who was maybe 4 at the time, watched a Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton Christmas special on tv.  He then seriously commented that he felt sorry for Dolly because "her chest must sure be cold out in that snow!"  That still makes me laugh! 

You know, Michael Buble has a really nice, new version of Mariah's famous song.  Maybe I'll start listening to that instead.

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We may be changing the girls' middle names, after all. That has never been the plan.  I never, ever wanted to try to pretend that the girls came to me in the normal way.  I thought that by using their first names as their new middle names it would not only help keep their heritage and past in place, but would be a nod of thanks to their mother who chose life for them.

Well, I'm having second thoughts on that now.  We had an incident this week with Birth Mom that was just stunning and kind of dried up any wells of sympathy I had towards her previously.  Baby is named after Birth Mom and it hit me that if I keep her first name as her middle name then she might always have this warm, fuzzy feeling in her psyche that she shares a name with her birth mother.  This thought came to me as I was drifting off to sleep the night that I received a phone call informing me of Birth Mom's latest stunt.  I woke up Paul to inform him of my stunning revelation.  He muttered something and went back to sleep.  In the morning, I tried to convince myself that these are crazy thoughts and of course, we'll go with the original name plan.

But I just can't shake this feeling that they're supposed to have completely new names, first and middle.  So now, I'm on a name hunt.  For years, I've only ever thought of my favorite first names (Elizabeth, Eleanor, and Annie), but never tried to pair anything with those names in my head.  I am having tremendous difficulty coming up with new middle names!  I had thought of "Hope" but Paul shot that down.  I thought that would be perfect, considering the situation.  And it's a pretty name.   He said he doesn't like it when people use nouns, verbs, and attributes as names. He suggested I see if I can find two female names that mean "hope" but aren't Hope.  I've looked at several baby name sites and I don't know, but "Nadia" and "Tikvah" just aren't doing anything for me (those names mean "hope").  And this is what gets me, too.  When I was pregnant with the boys, I came up with the names.  I would tell them to Paul and each time he would say, "Sounds good to me!"  NOW, he decides to start caring what we actually name our kids?

So, anyway, I've got names galore parading through my head, trying to find the perfect combination.  All the while I'm still wondering if I'm doing the right thing by stripping the girls of their original names entirely.  But if you should come up with some really cool names that sound good with Elizabeth and Eleanor, let me know!

I sure don't want to have to turn to Sam for help.  He informed me yesterday that he has decided to have four kids someday, and that two of them are going to be named, "Spike-erica" and "Shab."  "Spikerica" just happens to also be the moniker he has bestowed on his stuffed triceratops toy, too.  I told him that first he'll need to find a wife.  Sam asked, "How many of those will I need?"  I told him one ought to do it.  He then asked if I thought he would be able to find one someday.  I don't think he'll have a problem!

But he may have to do some artful convincing if he's still stuck on Spikerica and Shab for future children's names...

(There's Gonna Be) Days Like This

The last 7 days have been a bit rough.  Hunting season started last Sat and went through Wed.  That meant that I was up at 5:30 each of those mornings making a decent breakfast for the hunters and then spent the morning in the kitchen making a good noon-time meal for them.  My body is not made to arise that early!  It's just...unnatural.  And for all that effort, the guys (Paul, Will, and two friends) only brought down two button bucks.  They were hoping to fill 7 tags.  This was the worst year, ever.  It was pretty warm, which didn't help.  Both Paul and Will had brand-new hunting gear to wear and it was too warm to even wear them!  We butchered up the little bit we had last night - may feed us for a month or so.  I'll be curious to see how God intends to provide now.

And then, Lizzie has had a really, really, REALLY rough week, behavior-wise.  That means Mom has had a really, really, ROUGH week, too!  A couple of days in there she was just golden, so I know she's capable of choosing good behavior.  Yesterday was awful.  We went to Jefferson for Ben's and my allergy appointments.  I brought along Sam and Lizzie.  Before we went in I warned all 3 what kind of behavior I expected.  By the time I was on the table, being worked on, Lizzie was throwing a raging tantrum, screaming and thrashing.  It was so bad the dr. had to intervene and get her settled.  I could have just died - I was angry and embarrassed.  The dr. assured me afterwards not to worry about it - that she would "only be little for a little while."  That didn't help much.  Why does motherhood have to be so humiliating at times?  I know my personality is such that I expect my kids to be well-behaved at all times.  For the most part they are.  And when they're not -ooh, boy.  Things are not going to be pleasant between Mom and Child!  But I also know that's why I really struggled when Ben went through his rough time a few years ago and why I'm struggling now with Lizzie. I have high expectations of behavior for everyone in my life.  That has caused me lots and lots of disappointments, angst, and grief over the years.

We had another counseling session Tuesday.  I was kind of looking forward to it.  So far, the counselor has offered up some helpful information and I've gained insight into the girls' hurts and brain development.  I'm really looking, though, for more "meat."  I want to do know what to do when certain behaviors raise their ugly heads.  So far, the counselor has spent most of her time explaining to me what has happened to the girls' brains and suggesting bonding activities for us (very helpful).  I used the term "deliberate disobedience" when explaining to her what we were dealing with.  She told me I needed to get that terminology out of my vocabulary because there is no such thing as deliberate disobedience when it comes to young children.  That's because they are not capable of choosing to obey or disobey.  They just do - whatever - I guess.

My jaw about hit the floor.  Paul said if he'd been there he would have walked out.  You know, I don't have an advanced degree.  I don't even have an undergraduate degree, since I decided marriage and motherhood were more important to me than spending more time and money pursuing a career I didn't even want in the first place.  I'm sure this counselor has her master's degree at the minimum.  But I am not an idiot, either.  You cannot tell me that children are incapable of making disobedient choices.  Babies can make these choices.  I noticed with all of mine that somewhere around 10 months they would look me square in the eye and choose to do their own thing, knowing full well what I expected. 

So, wow - this counselor is obviously not going to be that much help.  I'll probably go back, but I'm going to be stretching out the appointments farther and farther apart.  It's disappointing when I have to pick through everything she says (like digging all the vegetables out of beef stew) to try to find something that I can agree with and use.  There are some Christian counseling centers in the area.  I'm not sure if they would take state insurance, but all I can do is check.

Neat Adoption quote I ran across this week by a guy named...well, I can't read my handwriting where I scribbled this down off Facebook, actually.  I think his last name is "Loux."  It doesn't matter since I don't know who he is anyway.

Adoption is redemption.  It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous.  Buying back lives costs so much.  When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him.

I've been thinking a lot about this.  I had never really thought about adoption as redemption, but it is.  It's giving a person a second chance at a good life.  That's exactly what God did for us.  We were all doomed with no chance at all.  But he rescued us through the cross, just as Paul and I are rescuing these little girls.  I kind of hesitate to say it like that, though, because that makes it sound like we are super-heroes and we're not.  We're not saints and we're getting a whole lot of enjoyment out of the deal, too. It has been nothing short of pure joy to add two more children to my brood and to have girls at last just kind of tops it all off!  Of course, there is a certain amount of pain-in-the neck-ness, too about the process.

And adoption is NOT natural.  These kids were not born to me, carry nothing of my gene pool in their little bodies, come from an entirely different culture and race, but yet they're becoming mine, just the same.  How does that happen?  Is love really all it takes?  It truly is an outrageous notion to think that one can graft another person into their family tree, lineage, and heritage for future generations.  But somehow, it works.

Even when they're humiliating their mother at the doctor's office...

Holiday Hoopla

That's me after making my first Thanksgiving turkey this week.  We had Charlotte and James and James Aaron over, which was fun.  Charlotte showed me how to make turkey gravy.  I was tired out, though.  It wasn't so much from making the meal but because I was still getting over a cold.  Paul got a nasty cold over the weekend and he shared his germs.  By Tuesday morning Ben had a terrible head cold and I had it by that night, as did David.  It was a fast-moving thing, thankfully, and we were all much better by Thanksgiving Day, but it kind of zapped any extra reserves of energy.  I am getting frustrated.  For the past 7 months now, I have been sick, off and on, all the time.  I used to have the immune system of an ox, going almost 2 years without getting a cold, even.  And now, every time I turn around, I'm sick.  Now, Sam and Lizzie are "barking" every morning, so I know they have some germs, too.  But they don't have runny noses and the barking cough seems to subside once the day gets going.

We did some Black Friday shopping yesterday.  I'm not one of the crazy ones, waiting in line for hours and then going nuts once the doors are open.  I got to the mall at a stately 9:30 am!  Will, however, was up at 5 am, meeting Nathanael, so they could score some bargains.  He found a black suit for $70 out at Jordan Creek.  He called asking if I thought that was a good price.  He needs a new suit, so I told him to go ahead.  His suits have all come off the rack before and he was so impressed that this store actually measured him and is now tailoring his new suit!  I was talking to Paul later and asked him, "I wonder how many other parents have 18 yr old sons who actually get excited by new suits?!" 

Will got his acceptance letter to Faith yesterday.  I'm not sure that's actually an accomplishment.  I know when I went there, if you had a pulse, you got in.  I don't know if that has changed or not.  But he'll be needing a suit or two for there.  Although, from what I hear, the dress standards have really relaxed (while the dating standards have gotten tighter - go figure) in the 20+ years since I was a student.

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes - shopping.  I had Will meet us at Penneys.  They are the only place I have been able to find overcoats for men, which I do not get at all.  But I discovered that their in-store prices were $30 cheaper than what they wanted on-line for the same coat.  I was hoping that they would have even better pricing for Black Friday and they did - 30% off.  It made me forget that I am boycotting Penneys for their pro-homosexual ads and stupid new pricing (although I did send them a letter, which helped somewhat)!  I also found adoption picture outfits for the girls.  And then I waited in line forever.  I did the same thing again at the Children's Place for an $8 pair of pink yoga pants for Lizzie.  That was dumb.  But we were home by lunchtime.  If I had been alone, I probably would have stayed out all day.  But with 5 kids, the pleasure factor of shopping was definitely diminished.  They were good, but it was just hard to get around with all them in the crowds.

Paul met Will and Nathanael for a gun show last night.  When they got home Will had to show me all his new stuff from shopping (no, he didn't buy a gun), which wasn't a lot, but it was kind of fun.  He said, "Boy, Mom - money sure goes fast when you're spending it!"  Umm, yeah - usually works that way.  He was so tickled about some slippers he found at Kohls for himself.  With the sale prices and then a $10 coupon they had sent me that I had given to him, he got them for $8.  Of course, it probably cost China $3.50 to make them, but I didn't tell him that.  He was even more tickled when I paid him back for what he had spent.

I guess he really is grown up - picking out and buying suits and slippers all by himself!

Ok, what else is new?  The last of the birthdays is out of the way.  Ben turned 16 last Sat.  We did his bowling championship thing.  What a crush!  Imagine 50 wheelchairs in a typical bowling alley, along with 3-400 upright adults.  Ugh is right!  Very warm, very noisy...But Ben got to carry the American flag for the opening ceremonies and they announced that it was his birthday, which was special.  Afterwards, we swung by the Habitat for Humanity store and found some wood (real) flooring for the kitchen.  Paul decided to return the stuff he had bought at Menards since this was cheaper and better quality.  My preference would have been for wide planks for a more old-fashioned look, but the ones they had weren't real wood.  So, I think I can live with narrow pieces instead.  We then went to the Machine Shed for supper.  I love their food!  $80.77 later, we staggered out to the van...

We went to Jordan Creek for a little bit.  Paul and Will were looking at rifles at Scheels and I needed tights for Ellie.  So I took the girls with me to Gymboree and I heard a lady, who had the same color of skin as my girls, point and exclaim to her husband, "Oh look - she has two of them!"  I suppose I had better get used to that!  It's funny.  I used to always think that when I adopted someday I wanted it to be obvious that we had done this - having children that very obviously were not born to us.  But now that it's a reality, I find myself a little more self-conscious about the whole white/black thing, wondering what people are thinking about me!  I suppose that will subside in time, too.  It's just still kind of new.

David was commenting the other day about my homemade vanilla that I make from organic vanilla beans and vodka.  He said something about, "Yeah, if only people knew you were drunking us, Mom!"  "Drunking" them?  Oh, my goodness...I have SO much work to do before this child graduates from high school!

Speaking of graduation, I found out yesterday that the association's homeschool graduation will be on June 1 next year, which is later than it has been.  I'm kind of glad.  Maybe I will do his open house that same day since it's not going to be the same weekend as all the area high schools, too.  That gives us a couple of more weeks to get the kitchen done, too, before his open house!

Ellie's vocabulary has really expanded in the last couple of weeks.  My favorite word of all the ones she has now, though, is "Momm-eeee!"  I actually hear that quite a bit from her.  One day this week, Lizzie asked, out of the blue, "Mama, do you love me?"  She does that every so often, just needing the reassurance, I guess.  Well, I had just cleaned out the upstairs bookshelf on Wed. and remembered that we have a children's book with that exact title.  I told her that and suggested we could read that before she went to bed.  She loved the book and insisted that we read it again last night, too.  This may turn into "The Snow People" before we're done!  That book is one that Ben had to have read to him every single night when he was around 3 or 4.  He would not, could not, go to bed without hearing the story of Jacob and the snow children!  I was so sick of that story and had it memorized before too long.  But Ben's little autistic brain insisted on hearing the story before it would shut down for the night.  A few weeks ago Sam picked that book off the shelf for me to read and boy, did that bring back memories!

Our neighbor boy has been coming to church with us for the past two weeks.  A couple of Saturdays ago he asked me if he could start coming with us on Sundays.  He assured me it was ok with his mom.  While I've had pleasant conversations with his mother over city stuff, I get the impression that this boy is kind of on his own most of the time.  Mom has a new, non-English-speaking,  boyfriend and two small children with him, she works a lot, and I don't think that leaves a lot of time for her 4th grader.  It would mean we'd have to take two vehicles to church, but I couldn't see turning him down over that.  The very next day he showed up at the house at 8 am, dressed nicely in a polo shirt and khakis.  I was still staggering around, bleary-eyed and barely dressed.  I've noticed that in church, he wants to read the Bibles they have on the back of the pew.  So, who knows?  If nothing else, he's having something planted in him that hopefully, he'll remember and want to come back to as an adult.  Of course, I have to admit to having dreams of him getting saved and ultimately becoming this pastor who tells the story of his conversion starting with, "There was this nice neighbor family who always took me to church..."!

It's after 10 - time to rouse my eldest.  I'm going to try to persuade him to get down the Christmas tree in the garage.  I'd like to get a jump start on getting the Christmas stuff up.  I haven't quite figured out just how we're doing Christmas this year since Paul will be on call until 8am Christmas morning and again at 8am on the 26th.  We're supposed to scoot over to Council Bluffs during that 24 hour period when he's not on call.  I'm just not going to worry about it - whatever happens, happens.

And today, what happens is hopefully a lot of stuff getting marked off on my to-do list - better get moving!