Day 955

January 9, 2016

Day 955

 

It's January - coldest day of winter so far and tomorrow is supposed to be colder.  At least it's white out.  We had some more snow last night. 

 

I've got a to-do list today that is really stressing me out.  I probably need to go rub some calming oils on...or dispose of a few small children.  One or the other ought to work.

 

The whole week has been stressful as I'm anticipating starting classes next week.  I sat down with my laptop one night this week and was nearly in tears as I viewed the syllabus for my class.  It's "Introduction to Literary Theory" which is something supposedly right up my alley.  But I couldn't understand half of what was in the syllabus.  As I read through the expectations and assignments for the class my heart rate began to climb.  How on earth am I going to accomplish this?

 

And then, there is a student training seminar I'm supposed to go through designed to teach me how to operate the computer system through which I'll be participating in class and talking with the professor.  I couldn't figure that out, either!

We are also supposed to introduce ourselves to the professor.  So I managed to do that.  Of course, being me, I couldn't offer a simple, "hi" and be done with it.  I wrote this poor lady a book.  I told her I was sitting on my bed with my brand new laptop, having gotten four of my six kids to bed, and I am  completely lost.  I explained that the last time I was in a college classroom I actually had to attend class and all my papers were typewritten and physically handed in.  I told her I think I'm completely out of my element and am going to fail big time.  I clicked, "send" and thought, "I shouldn't have sent that!"

 

But I got the sweetest reply back from this teacher.  She said she's "already impressed with me" because "you are an excellent writer!" and she assured me that the syllabus is not nearly as hard as one might think by reading it.

 

So, maybe I can do this...

 

My financial aid stuff got done in the nick of time.  They sent me an award package and I'm not understanding that, either.  It kind of looks like that I am being offered more money to go to school than I need, but that can't be right. This is a private school, not DMACC, where that did actually happen to Will.   I'm going to have Will look at it when he comes home from work.

 

So just...ugh.  I keep looking for a sign that I'm NOT supposed to be going back to school but the only thing I'm seeing is fear and I don't think that is a good reason to not do things.

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Oh, and I still have my job as city clerk, which is good, I guess, although there is still a part of me that is convinced it's not going to last.  We had our first council meeting of the year this week with the new mayor and council and I laid out for them my concerns (the fact that I have to hire out a portion of the work I'm supposed to be doing because I just can't do it - things having to do with forms and spreadsheets and the city's bank account.  I'm the first clerk to ever do this and it's costing the city money).  I about fell over when the mayor told me that my duties shouldn't have to include anything having to do with money and he thinks it's a good idea we're hiring this stuff out.  All the other council members sat there nodding their heads and I about melted as all these concerns (that have literally kept me awake some nights) disappated.  So, huh...we'll see what happens, I guess.  In the meantime, the continued income will be appreciated.

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Last Sunday Will and Arien took the Littles sledding, which was nice for me.  I'd be in the chiropractor's office for sure the next day if I did that!  Arien was telling me that Ellie playfully snatched her hat and when she asked for it back, Ellie proceeded to stuff it full of snow first.  That sounds like my evil Ellie...I told Arien it's actually a good thing since apparently Ellie feels comfortable enough with her to be awful to her now, too!

 

Earlier this  week Ellie was in the van with me when the song, "Jesse's Girl" came over the radio.  Pretty soon Ellie piped up, "Why does that boy say he wants, 'Jesse's girl'?"  So I explained that the singer is in love with his friend's girlfriend and is wishing that he was her boyfriend, instead.  Ellie was quiet for a moment and then said, "Oh, because his girlfriend is dead?"  It was one of those moments when I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.  I wanted to laugh because her question was hilarious in a dark way (which is my favorite kind of humor) but cry because I don't think, prior to Paul's death, my kids would just automatically assume the reason a person is missing their other half is due to death.

 

Sigh...

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Marcia and I went to lunch yesterday.  It was a really, really good  time.   I have to say that, while I have never once doubted that God is in this whole thing, after talking to her it is so evident to me that God is moving them away.  Not only that, but two hours later she texted me to let me know their house had just sold.  Who buys a house in January?  God's doing something here.  I don't understand.  I still cried on the way home because I'm going to miss them and I don't like this.  I told Marcia I absolutely do NOT want to go to the good-bye service on Jan. 31.  But I will.  Honestly, though, there is a tiny, tiny part of me that is getting excited to see who we're getting next for a pastor.

 

And it helps that Marcia and I vowed to always be friends.  Now that she's not going to be my pastor's wife anymore maybe we can actually be more equal friends. 

 

But I still wish they weren't moving...at least it's not terribly, terribly far away.  And we decided we'll still get together every so often for lunch.

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Not much else to report, I don't think.  I suppose I'll have more to say in a week or so after I've started my class.  I need to calm this internal upset.

 

And there's plenty of outward upset, too.  Yesterday, Will started building my bookshelves upstairs and just now Ellie deliberately threw  the big level he was using down the stairs.  Every time she does something like this I am reminded of her preschool teacher telling me, "Oh, she's just so perfect!"

Or how this kid can turn on the charm with a bat of her super-long eyelashes...we were in the bank one day this week making the city deposit and Ellie was there, flitting from one teller to the next, getting candy and stickers from each one.  One asked her, "Did you have a good Christmas?"  Ellie assured her that she had and then sweetly asked, "And how was yours?"  I wanted so badly to roll my eyeballs.  Meanwhile the clerk about swooned as she whispered to me, "She is SO stinking cute!"

Wish they could have all seen her just now as she tried to break tools, the door, the wall, and maybe a few heads with that level she hurtled like a javelin down the stairway...

 

My list awaits - back to work.