Monday, July 13, 2015

Day 769


July 13, 2015

Day 769

 

I haven't written a lot lately - mainly because I haven't had a lot to say!

 

Today I am staggering through another migraine.  I had one like this last Wed.  I called in a refill on my pills and they have to get an ok from my neurologist first.  I have a fuzzy feeling he's going to make me come in for a visit before giving me another refill, which is not going to make me happy.

 

Fortunately, today is a day with no demands.  I don't have to go anywhere, other than first thing this morning when I had to get David to church so he could head up with the junior highers.  This is his first week of actual work up there.

 

He's been having a harder time lately, which makes for a harder time for me.  He's finally agreed to some counseling and that's scheduled to start next week.  I think he'll be ok, long-term, but it's just getting through right now that's kind of hard when you're 16 and have lost your dad, and have a lot of little siblings, an older brother who's not really "older," care-wise, another super-star older brother, some learning struggles,  and an impatient, stressed-out mom.

 

David did do fantastic with Driver's Ed.  My concern was the academic end of things because that accounted for 75% of the classroom grade.  On his final test he scored a 94%!  He still has two more driving times to do with his instructor, but he's actually quite good at the driving.  Unfortunately, we found out that the state tweaked the driving requirements this last year and now David can't get his license until he's had his permit for a year...which is a bummer because that won't be until mid-November.  I guess that gives me more time to find him a car, though!

 

Driver's Ed lasted for 2 1/2 weeks.  During that time, Sam and Lizzie were also taking swimming lessons.  They passed with flying colors, those little fish of mine.  On the last day, the instructors had the kids jumping off the diving board, just for fun, mostly.  They went feet first and the instructors were in the water to catch them.  There were some kids actually crying and shaking when it was their turn.  Their moms were standing on the other side of the fence yelling encouragements.  I was kind of laughing evilly (internally) at them as my two asked their instructors to "get out of the way so I can really jump far!"  But I've been where those other moms have been, too.  Neither Ben nor David took to the water very easily when they were little. 

 

So, anyway, I'm glad the classes are out of the way.  That was a lot of running around every morning for those couple of weeks.

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A week ago Sam began relating to me something that had happened in Sunday School.  He was seated at the table, another boy was beside him, and on the other side of that classmate was another boy, also named, "Sam."  The middle boy's mom happened to poke her head in the classroom and joked, "Oh, look - it's a 'Samwich'!"  Sam told me this and I smiled in appreciation, seeing the humor.  Sam looked straight at me and continued, "Yeah, I didn't think it was very funny."

 

Oh, Sam...

 

That same morning, we were almost home from church and we always pass the cemetery as we drive into town.  Almost every single time, one of the kids, usually Ellie, asks, "Can we see Daddy?"  She did this and without missing a beat, Lizzie deadpans from the backseat, "I don't think Daddy want to see you, Ellie."

 

It was all I could do to choke on my laughter and not drive into the ditch!  This last week has actually been a lot better for her, behavior-wise...which makes for happier mom!

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The 4th of July was fine this year.  We went to the parade in Pleasantville.  It was good.  The last time we had been to that was 2 years ago, less than a month after Paul's death.  I still remember how numb I felt that morning, going through the motions of what we always did on the 4th, but feeling so utterly empty inside.  I wasn't so empty this year.  We had a good time.

 

That evening we went to our neighbor's annual 4th of July party.  It's free food and I want to keep friendly relations with these people because I like them.  But...it's not my scene.  It's a lot of unsaved people steadily getting drunker and drunker and the only conversation that gets made is very superficial stuff.  I was glad when I could gracefully exit.

 

Then I took the kids down to the Pville fireworks. That hurt my heart a little more.  The last time we had been there, it was with Paul.  We ended up running into some friends who have a 5 year old and they were on the ball enough to stock up on glow sticks and sparklers (I'm not a big fan of the latter.  They scare me.  But Paul always bought them for the kids and I don't recall anyone ever actually getting burned).  So my Littles were delighted.  The fireworks show was, of course, amazing.  There's something about small Iowa towns that know how to do up the 4th right.

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More on Go Fund Me accounts:  Since my last post, I've heard back from a couple of my readers who also detest these things.  I am not alone!  Just last week I had ones come across my feed requesting help with college tuition (for an advanced degree, no less), asking for money to buy a new roof because the family earns under $25K a year and can't afford it, barely having squeezed into the mortgage itself (isn't there a verse in Proverbs about a man who sets out to build a wall, but doesn't see if he has all the needed supplies first, or something like that?), and one for help paying off creditors from a deceased husband's hospitalizations.  The kicker was one I saw requesting money to cremate Grandpa.  I am not kidding.  So is Grandpa on ice while they wait to raise the money?  How does that even work?

 

I'm not trying to be snobby, I'm really not.  The last two years I have been the recipient of many, many financial gifts, for which I am profoundly grateful.  We all have times in our lives when we need help and as Christians, we need to be unselfish and sensitive to God's leading in responding to our brothers and sisters during their times of need.  But I liken these accounts to the people I encounter at stoplights, peering into your vehicle and holding up cardboard signs that read, "Please help - God bless."  That makes me so uncomfortable and so do these sites.

 

In comparison: I have a friend who is having a double mastectomy tomorrow at age 39.  This is her second round of breast cancer in two years.  Things do not look good and this is a last-ditch attempt to give her more time with her family.  A relative set up a GoFundMe account over the weekend and her husband announced on FB last night that he had taken the site down and they were just going to "trust God for our needs."   This is the kind of heart that makes me want to give, not when it's thrust on me while I'm scrolling through FB.

 

Alright, enough on that...

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Last week I got Lizzie's lunch ready, gave it to her and exhorted, "Eat,drink, and be merry!"  She frowned at me and said plaintively, "But I don't want to get married!" 

 

Also, one day, she curiously asked David, "Do you have wires on your nipples yet?"  He looked at her strangely and said slowly, "No-o-o..."  She then explained that "Well, Will has wires and I was just wondering if you do."

 

I really shouldn't laugh, should I?

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I had to deal a small bit with Paul's family again this week.  I didn't realize until I had to handle this just how much I have managed to let them go.  I wouldn't say that's true, entirely.  I do check FB pages from time to time, just to see if anything is being said about me (that's a pretty rare occurrence, thankfully).  I'm still very saddened but I've been making a concentrated effort the past few months to not let this situation overly occupy my thoughts.  It has brought me such relief.  Burdens of the heart are especially heavy.  Fortunately, I have a wonderful pastor who is willing to go before me and handle this.  I am so thankful.  And who knows...maybe reconciliation will happen at some point.  I pray so.

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My parents came down this weekend, which was so nice.  The kids were excited and counting the days.  Dad brought my new hamper, which was awesome.  I put a picture of that on FB last night and got all sorts of comments.  I think we just invented something!  Right now, it's fun throwing dirty clothing in there, even.

 

Will and Arien were home from camp, too.  It had been five or six weeks and it will be another five before Will is home for good.  So Dad made this big lunch and I picked up some Iowa sweet corn (none better) and we had a wonderful time of eating and enjoying one another.

 

Will and Arien spent most of their afternoon on the basement couches looking through the scrapbooks I've made over the years.  That was gratifying - all that work is being enjoyed by someone other than me.  Actually, they came up with the idea of getting to know eachother better by going through family photos.  I remember looking through the Heywoods' photos when Paul and I were dating and appreciating that so much, although Paul and I didn't do it together.

 

And now it's a quiet, hot, Monday afternoon.  Thank you, Lord, for air conditioning!  I don't need to cook supper tonight because I have lots of meatloaf and ham left over from Dad's cooking.  I'm just walking around, slowly, trying to lose this headache, and checking things off my to-do list.  I am so thankful to be in a stage of life where I don't have to go to work every day.  I can stay home with my  kids and move slowly on days like today when I'm not feeling the greatest.

 

David will be home next week, but he's going to be gone, including this week, a total of four weeks.  I've been coming up with some fun things the other kids and I could do during this time as we count down the weeks until the start of school.  It will be fun to surprise them with those.  Best of all - none of them are outdoor activities!  I could seriously live my entire life indoors.

 

Saturday night is Single Parent Provision.  I can't wait!

 

Well, back to my list and puttering around the house, I guess...

 

Seven weeks from today is the first day of school.  That will be a big day!

 

 

 

 

 

What I have learned in two years of widowhood:

• God is good - so, so good
• I am loved far more than I ever knew
• I have amazing, resilient children (I am reaping what Paul sowed into their lives)
• Darkness eventually gives way to light
• Strength and wisdom are mine for the asking
• I don't have to have all the answers
• God delights in carefully and tenderly mending torn-apart hearts

Psalm 73:26: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

ow with a certain amount of anticipation, although there are still moments when I am sick at heart to think that that future will never again include him, other than the quick glimpses I sometimes see in my sons. As much as hope is beginning to seep back into our lives, I am also accepting that, for the rest of our lives, we will be among the walking wounded, forever hurt and altered by Paul's early death. As sad as that sounds, it really isn't, though. Even scarred, life is still pretty beautiful.

What I have learned in two years of widowhood:

• God is good - so, so good
• I am loved far more than I ever knew
• I have amazing, resilient children (I am reaping what Paul sowed into their lives)
• Darkness eventually gives way to light
• Strength and wisdom are mine for the asking
• I don't have to have all the answers
• God delights in carefully and tenderly mending torn-apart hearts

Psalm 73:26: My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 




 

1 comment:

  1. Just a different thought on the GoFundMe's. I like them. I guess my FB friends don't have many as they rarely cross my feed, but when they do -- I pray, and if I think maybe we should contribute I talk to my husband, and if he agrees, we give. It is a much simpler task than reading about someone's situation and thinking "Oh, I'd love to give but now I have to find an address and put a check in an envelope." That is a barrier. A couple of months ago, there was a story out of Texas about a relatively low income family that welcomed triplet girls into their family, 2 of whom are conjoined. I LOOKED for a GoFundMe and there was one, and we gave a little bit. So...I agree some GoFundMe's are annoying, definitely. But I just ignore some, pray for others, give to a few. I guess it doesn't bother me to ignore them if I need to :-).

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