DIARY OF AN UNWILLING WIDOW
Dec. 28, 2014
Day 572
And...it's over.
And...I survived. And...I'm
relieved.
Actually, Christmas Day wasn't so difficult. Christmas Eve was slightly so. My folks arrived mid-afternoon, which was
nice. All the Littles wanted to stay
with Grandma and Grandpa and the Bigs wanted to go to the Christmas Eve service
so we went. But I couldn't
concentrate. As much as I wanted to be
there, I also didn't want to be there.
As soon as the service was over, I bolted. I just really didn't want to talk to
anyone. Plus, I had forgotten my make-up
bag and didn't have my pik or lipstick and I'm kind of vain like that and felt
less-than-perfect in my appearance and didn't want to be seen in that
condition. The boys stayed inside the
church for awhile, which was fine. I sat
out in my van and watched the light snow falling and listened to Christmas
music on the radio. That was actually
quite peaceful.
I had a visitor at 3:30 in the morning on Christmas. Sam bounded into my room and declared,
"I can't sleep!" So I let him
crawl into bed with me. Only, when I
rolled over to do that, a jagged edge on my toenail (it's winter - I let them
go during this season) caught on my sheet and ripped off. I still have a band-aid on it! My bed did not make for instant dreams of
sugar plums for Sam, either. He was
rather chatty.
"Nighttime is 8 hours, right, Mom? So, I've slept about 4 hours which means I
only have 4 more to go!"
And then,
"I think I need some more melatonin, Mom? Can I get some?"
Please...take the whole bottle while you're at it...
He eventually drifted off but one of the effects of the
peri-menopausal symptoms I am experiencing these days is an inability to fall
back to sleep easily once awakened. So
around 5 I was taking an Advil PM which then, of course, made it very hard to
wake up when I had a little brown face breathing heavily into mine two hours
later!
But, despite being a little foggy in the head, Christmas
was nice. It was relaxing like last
year, which is what I needed. I'm not so
sure I could have handled some of my Christmases I've had in the past,
surrounded by all sorts of people (which normally, I have always enjoyed). I needed this.
David surprised me with a cookbook he had purchased in
August when he went to the state fair.
Every couple of years they compile a book from the blue ribbon food
entries. I was so touched by his
thoughtfulness. And wrapped in pink
camouflage wrapping paper, was my gift from Will - a 32" flat screen
tv! I'll never tell him, but Ben
accidentally let part of the cat out of the bag last month. He felt so terrible about it and he didn't
tell me enough for me to know for sure, so I was still pretty shocked that Will
had done this. The tv in my bedroom has
been giving me problems for a few months now and I would have had to have
replaced it sometime soon. It's an old
tube tv. Will is going to take it to his
dorm room for video games, which will save me $25 and the time and energy to have it recycled.
I ordered a couple of things off Etsy for myself from Mom
and Dad. My favorite one is a 20X30 calligraphy
print of the first two verses of Psalm 91.
The morning of Paul's death Marcia and I sat on my couch, thumbing
through the Psalms. We found this one
and I just latched onto it and even had the psalm printed on the back of Paul's
funeral program. When I read it, even
today, I am instantly calmed and
comforted. Dad said I should memorize
it. He's right. This summer I looked on Etsy for wall
hangings of that Psalm and found a lady in North Carolina who does calligraphy
of verses. I didn't think I should spend
the money then but promised myself if I still wanted it in Dec. then it could
be my Christmas present. I finally
ordered a week ago tonight. I told the
artist that I was in no hurry and for her to take her time. I also told her, line by line, the colors I
wanted. I heard from her the very next
day and she told me she was already working on it. By that afternoon she was done and sent me a
picture for approval. I assured her
again there was absolutely no hurry to get it to me and I did not want this
interfering in her Christmas week.
It was on my doorstep Christmas Eve! The mailman had apparently fried her brain
with all the extra work required this time of year. It came in a huge box, big enough to cushion
the nearly 2 foot by 3 foot dimensions.
The mailman leaned it up against the door! Tell me how I'm supposed to open my door
without knocking the thing over? I
eventually got it, but it was not without effort. Give me a break...
I ordered a frame off Amazon that is supposed to be here
Tuesday. I'm looking forward to getting
it up.
I also ordered a little red 12X12 sign for my hallway off
Etsy that reads, "Because someone we love is in Heaven, there's a little
bit of Heaven in our home." That
hasn't shipped yet. That's fine because
I'm planning on painting the hallway really soon and all my pictures will have
to come down for that project.
I dreamed about Paul today and Christmas gifts. The kids and I went out to eat and while we
waited Will was sharing what he was learning in his SS class about Heaven. So I suppose that was on my mind. I had eaten a big meal (well, I ordered a big
meal, but the kids got most of it - my appetite is still down. I have lost 9 pounds since Thanksgiving. I can't complain) and fell into a deep sleep
almost immediately once I laid down when we got home.
In my dream it was Christmas time. A lot of different things were happening,
with a number of different people I know and different Christmas
celebrations. Throughout my dream I kept
wondering when I was going to get my Christmas present from Paul. We always exchanged gifts for Christmas, as
well as Valentines, our anniversary, birthdays, and Mothers/Father's Days. Not all couples do that, but I guess I just
like stuff, so we did! It always felt good
to do that. So, in my dream, I had this
delicious sense of increasing
anticipation of when he was going to give me the gift and what it just might
be.
And then, still dreaming, I suddenly realized that oh,
Paul is now dead and I won't ever, ever receive another gift from him. Sadness enveloped me. But before I could give into the emotion,
still dreaming, I heard a very clear voice.
I'm not sure who was speaking, but I'm almost wondering if it was
God. And since I still remember this so
clearly, awake, I wonder if the dream was another message from Him. The voice said, "But Paul gave you six
gifts."
And then I woke up, the voice still ringing in my
ears. Six gifts?
And then I knew. I
have six children. Each one, a gift from God, certainly, but
also a gift from their father. If it was
not for Paul, I would not have any of them, not even the girls. And these gifts will last the rest of my life
and give me much more joy and satisfaction than anything wrapped under the tree
ever will.
******************
As I mentioned, we went out to eat, today. A couple of weeks ago a friend gave me some
money, instructing me to take the kids out.
Yesterday, I ended up shopping for most of the day. It was fun, kidless shopping. Although, I'm probably getting old. Being in crowded stores two days after
Christmas wasn't as fun as it used to be.
After walking awhile my knee and my shoulder hurt and I needed ibuprofen
but I hadn't brought my water bottle into the mall because my purse is already
so heavy. So I had to wait until it was
convenient to get some lunch. And then
the food court was so crowded that it was hard to find a place to sit
down. I felt like the new kid on the first
day of school, facing a lunch room full of hostile faces, while trying to balance
my tray. I eventually found a table and
gratefully sat down, popped my Advil, and read my kindle (ironically, I'm
currently reading a funny book about growing old) while eating my taco. I managed to finish the taco, but could not
eat all my potato oles. It used to be
the other way around.
So anyway, all that to say that I decided that we would
go out to lunch today because I didn't have time yesterday to get today's lunch
prepared which is usually what I do on Saturdays. I wanted to take the kids to the Cozy Cafe on
the south side. This is like their 6th
or 7th location. I had never been there
until a couple of weeks ago when some friends from church took me. I really like their food - comfort
type of stuff.
This particular location has been two other restaurants
in the time I've lived here and I went to both of them. When it was called "The Robin's
Nest" Paul and I went there one Sunday when Sam was only a couple of weeks
old. Friends had volunteered to take the
big boys so we could have some alone time.
I'll never forget how Paul gallantly opened up my door so I could get
out and then proceeded to walk towards the restaurant. I kind of hung back, wondering how long it
would be until he figured out he had just left a baby in the van. After awhile he turned around and sheepishly
started back to the van! That memory
still makes me laugh! And then it became
the "Black Angus." They hired
Loziers to do some work so one night Paul was doing that and they told him
they'd be happy to give him a discount on the food. I can't remember exactly how that all worked
out but I just remember sitting in the parking lot of the Black Angus for quite
awhile, reading, while I waited for him to get done working so we could start
our date night.
And we were back today - great food, good service. They play the local Christian radio station
in this restaurant - maybe in all their locations, I don't know. But, their greeter had a nose ring. And I'm not talking about a discreetly
placed, winking stud (although I don't care for those either - I always think
of a dried booger when I see them). This
was a half ring with balls on both ends.
The balls hung over the nostrils.
Blech - talk about an appetite reducer!
I know it's not just me showing my middle age. Almost all my kids commented on it, too.
*******************************
Will got his grades this week. He got straight As in all his classes this
semester. I'm impressed. No wonder he made the Dean's List! He was slightly bothered, though, that his
GPA is not a 4.0. It's a 3.87. I may have slightly rolled my eyeballs when
he mentioned that. But as a
homeschooling mom, I do have to admit to feeling a certain sense of
satisfaction. I didn't ruin him! When you're homeschooling your kids you never
know for sure how good of a job you're doing.
At least I didn't. And in the
back of my mind I have always wondered a bit if I was totally screwing my kids
over, educationally, because I am so aware of my own shortcomings when it comes
to educating them. At least I did ok
with this one!
**************************************
David found Sam's glasses Monday or Tuesday. They were in front of the downstairs tv. I looked all over down there and I don't know
how I missed them. Last night he had
them on, rolled over onto his side on the couch...and snapped the bow off.
I cannot win.
************************************
This morning before Sunday School started Ellie and I
were in the bathroom. She asked for some
"wipstick" and I let her have my gloss. She smeared it on while I combed my
hair. She smacked her lips together,
looking in the mirror, and then I heard her exclaim,
"I am so boo-oo-tiful!"
Yes, yes, you are, Little one...and more than a little
self-centered, diva-ish, and all-together girly.
But, fortunately, we have time to work on that!
Along with a host of other things. Happy New Year, everyone. May it be one of rest and growth.
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