Day 41
It’s been
a pretty good day today, aside from the perpetual weight in my chest. I wonder
if that weight will be a constant companion for the rest of my days. Guess that depends on how long I end up
living.
Speaking
of which, I received a call from my insurance agent. I’ve been approved for life insurance! What a relief! I have no idea yet how much this is going to
cost me, but I almost do not care. I have
been SO concerned about this. I was only
approved for $100,000; my agent is going to push for more, so I don’t have
final figures yet. Five years ago when
we bought Paul’s life insurance policy we attempted to buy some for me but were
turned down because of my stroke history. I guess enough time has passed now that that
is no longer as much of a concern to the underwriters. Since Paul’s death I have been very concerned
about what will happen to the kids in the event of my early death. Now that this is nearly taken care of I can
start the process of figuring out guardianship for the kids. I just want to have all this stuff together
and ready to go so that if something happens to me, transitions can be made as easily
as possible. I now have my grave
purchased and one of these days I’m even going to write my own obituary and
have it ready in my lock box. I would
rather imagine some of this is fueled, too, by my great desire to join Paul
right now in Heaven. I want to
die in the worst way (figure of speech – I don’t want to die in the worst
way because that might hurt and I try to avoid pain as much as possible). Of course, I want to live for my
children. I know God still has a purpose
for keeping me on earth – the kids may very well be that reason. But if I had my druthers, I’d already be
Home.
I ordered
our stone this week. It was one of the
odder experiences of my life. I just
felt so empty inside after placing the order and writing the check. Normally, shopping makes me happy! To spend this much money at one time ought to
make me really happy. But of
course, it didn’t. The lady at the
monument place was really kind and spent quite a bit of time with me, helping me
design the stone. While we were doing
this, two other ladies came in to the place and waited in the waiting area,
chatting loudly to each other the entire time.
I found myself really irritated.
How could they be blathering on about such unimportant things when I’m
in the next room, designing a stone for my 42 year old husband who died way
before I thought he should, leaving me all alone and with kids still to raise
to adulthood? It wasn’t their fault and
there is no way they could have known. But they just seemed too happy to me in light
of the reason I was there. I don’t
know – should anyone ever be happy when they are in a gravestone monument
establishment? Ugh. But anyway, the stone should be up this
fall. I bought my plot, now my name will
be on the stone. All that remains is for
me to die and my body to be plopped next to Paul’s…in forty or fifty years…ugh,
again. That long, Lord?
Last Sat.
when the men were working at our place I spent time cleaning out our shed. The thing needs to be burned and the next
time the guys come out that’s going to be on the agenda. The termites have had a field day in there
and boards are broken out of the walls.
It’s a mess. I was pretty
ruthless. I threw away all kinds of
stuff – old craft supplies, books, homeschool stuff from past years. I just wanted it gone. As I sorted and pitched I began to feel like
I was throwing away a huge chunk of my previous life. I threw out Bridal magazines from 1992 that I
had hung onto. I threw away marriage books. I threw away Paul’s college books. Actually, I threw away a lot of Paul’s
stuff. He doesn’t need it anymore and
neither do we. I burned toys and
journals. I did save some things. I found my wedding shoes. They’ve never turned yellow – still as white
and satiny as the one day I wore them. I
saved some things from my senior year of high school. I saved the boys’ baby memorabilia. I felt like I was kind of drawing a line down
that shed – old life and new life. My
old life is gone now and most of what was in there pertained to that life. A few things will follow me into my new life,
but not much. It was emotional, to say
the least. Eventually, I will have to do
that here in the house when I finally sort through all of Paul’s things.
I was
looking at my left hand this week. I’m
still wearing my wedding ring and I think I will for quite awhile. I will know when it’s time to take it
off. Right now, I can’t bear that
thought. But in thinking about the day I
do take it off for good I find myself dreading the thought of having such a
bare hand. My ring finger will look
especially odd. My wedding set is wide
and the skin underneath is paler than the rest of my white, white skin – hard to
believe, but it is possible to be paler than pale! And my finger itself is now oddly shaped from
years of being compressed into the ring.
But I had the thought that I could get a mother’s ring to wear on that
hand when the day comes I do remove my wedding ring. That would make my hand less bare. I’ll probably need a big ring to fit all my
kids on there. Maybe there would be a
way to fit Paul’s stone on there, as well.
I’ve got plenty of time for this, but I was glad I thought of it. It makes the thought of what I will
eventually do less painful.
My friend
Sara sent us a care package last weekend – full of goodies for all of us. I think most of the sympathy cards have
finished arriving, but now I have friends that are sending, “thinking of you”
cards just to let me know that we are still in their thoughts and prayers. It makes me feel grateful. Today I did receive an anonymous sympathy
card from Minnesota Minnesota
I’m still
not thankful Paul died. I don’t know if
I ever will be thankful for losing my husband.
But I am finding more things to be thankful about in this
situation. I’ve thought numerous times
and shared before with others and on this blog how thankful I am that he did
die and was not left brain-injured instead.
God would have provided and given grace in that terrible kind of situation,
but, just the same, I’m glad that was not the path He chose for us.
I am
thankful that Paul will never experience the pain of losing a spouse. Since one of us had to experience this, I’m
glad it was me and not him. That would have
been so painful for him if I had died.
Paul will
never know what it is like to grow old and to have a body that falters with age.
Paul will
never have to worry about providing for us after his working years are over.
For
years, he prayed about, read about, toyed with the idea of starting his own
business. Now he never has to worry
about that kind of decision again.
He will
never experience the pain of having a child or grandchild that walks away from
the Lord.
He’ll not
have to mess with old houses and shoddy construction ever, ever again.
No more
getting up in the middle of the night to keep a fire stoked so the children
(and wife) stay warm…
No more
worries, no more pain, no more seizures, no more drugs, no more work, no more
frustration, no more 100 hour work weeks, no more remodeling, no more cranky
vehicles, no more messy garage, no more dry eyes, no more laying blocks, no
more boring vocal concerts, no more IEP meetings, no more difficult children,
no more leaky faucets and flooded ceilings, no more PMSing wife, no more
drywall dust and marauding termites, no more pinching pennies…
No more…only
Jesus. And, now, he wants for no
more.
My sorrow
is not for Paul. It’s for me and for
what our family has lost and how my life has permanently changed. But there is nothing to cry about where Paul
is concerned. He escaped this sin-shackled
world and his human body long before we thought he would. He’s the fortunate one!
I am
reading a fantastic book right now called, From One Widow to Another by
Miriam Neff. It’s one my mom ordered for
me. There’s just so much in here. I will probably have to re-read it before too
long. Today I read the following
paragraph and I thought it was so excellent as I ponder the why of Paul’s
death. As I’ve written about before, I
don’t spend too much time thinking about that; it’s not for me to know. If anything, I’d be tickled someday to be
able to find some good things that have come from Paul’s death, but I honestly
do not expect God to lay out for me exactly why He decided to take Paul Home
It would be unfair of me to call Him my God and then
require Him to think and reason like I do.
I would have to live a lie to accept his sovereignty and then require
that His acts compute with my human brain.
It would be hypocritical to call Him Lord, and expect Him to run His
plans through my grid of influence and advice before He, Creator and God of the
universe, could act.
I ran
across this verse today: Isaiah 61:3, “To
console those who mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy
for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness, that they may
be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be
glorified.”
That He
may be glorified…isn’t that supposed to be the chief aim in everything? I remember when Ben was little finding such
comfort in the story of the blind man in John 9. The disciples asked Jesus which of the man’s
parents had sinned that would have caused him to be born with such an
affliction. I can’t imagine living in
such a time period like that when parents, already saddled with the difficulty
and grief of having a child with special needs (and zero social services to
assist), would also bear the condemnation and blame of society for producing
such a child in the first place! But
Jesus informed the disciples and those around that the man’s parents had done
nothing. The man was blind so that “the
works of the Father may be glorified.”
That phrase has always felt like a comforting blanket around my
shoulders. The ultimate reason for Ben’s
disabilities is so that God can be glorified.
And then reading this verse today I see that God’s comfort in our time
of mourning is also so that He can be glorified.
Paul’s
death is not in vain. He didn’t die
because he had seizure and suffocated to death. He died so that God could be glorified.
Wow…
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