Day 257
Last night was my mom’s
meeting. Jenny and I rode over there
together and after we made it back to her driveway, we talked for a bit. So, it was quite late by the time I got on
the road and headed back to my place. As
I drove down (up?) Highway 5, the ¾ moon was absolutely brilliant. A huge beam shone down upon the highway,
piercing the darkness around me. It was
so bright that I had the fanciful thought that I would like to pull over to the
side of the road, park my van, and simply climb that moonbeam straight up to
Heaven.
I don’t think I’m
depressed and I know I’m not suicidal in any way. But I am so done with living. I want to go.
And as time goes on, my yearning is simply not so I can be reunited with
Paul. I understand that our relationship
in Heaven will be different than what we shared on earth. But earth no longer feels like my home. I don’t want to be here. I am divided.
My heart and soul long for my eternal home, but my body holds me to
earth. So if I could have climbed that
moonbeam, I just might have!
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I wrote the above after midnight last
night. My mind was too awake to let me
fall asleep. Now, it’s 9pm tonight and
I’m feeling my lack of sleep from last night!
I’m a little stressed at
the moment. The kids and I are supposed
to be taking a trip this week. I would
prefer to be not home the day of our wedding anniversary. But a blizzard is set to roll in the morning
we were supposed to leave! We either
have to leave earlier and spend an extra night or bump the trip by a day and
come home a day later. I’m fine with
either. It’s just figuring out the best
way to go. I’m waiting to hear back from
the water park. We have tickets for a
specific date and I don’t know if they will be willing to change that because
of the weather circumstances or not.
But I just do not like
having to change my plans – at all! I
like to think that I am this laid-back, super-flexible person, but I’m not as
much as I should be. As I recall, a year
ago when Paul and I were preparing to go to Colorado
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Well, what else is going
on?
Will and
David are at a Blue Man concert tonight.
I’m not cool or hip enough to sense the appeal (they’re middle-aged guys
wearing blue latex masks – good grief!), but the boys seemed to think they were
THE thing to see. Actually, it was more
Will that wanted to see them and he talked David into accompanying him. He needs a girlfriend, I think.
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The other day I saw this
truck in Des Moines
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Debbie and I took our
kids to see the new Lego movie on Sat.
Well, most of them, anyway. Her
oldest didn’t want to go and Debbie volunteered her to watch the girls for me
so I didn’t have to take them. That was
a good thing because the theater was really packed! A bunch of people from church were
there. I figured I was being a good mom
by taking the boys to see the show – one of those sacrificial times. But it was good! I thoroughly enjoyed
the movie. The ending made the whole
thing so perfect. All week long now I’ve
been singing the theme song, “Everything is awesome, everything is
cool!” I think the boys are beginning to wish they
had gone alone.
As we were walking into
the theater I commented to Ben that I really need to shave him again soon. It’s been a couple of weeks. He replied, “I know! Mr. W (one of his sp. Ed teachers) said I’m
growing a beard!” Yeah, ok. If his teachers are noticing, I guess I had
better get him shaved! I suppose he’s getting
old enough now that I’m probably going to have to be doing it more like once or
twice a week. It’s not one of my
favorite chores. But of all the needs he
could have, I should be grateful that this is one of the very few
personal care tasks he can’t do for himself.
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I bought some special
face cream this last week. I’m calling
it “liquid gold” because there had better be something valuable in there for
what it cost! If Paul weren’t dead, I
don’t know that I would have bothered, though.
I’ve noticed that the skin under my chin is not behaving like it used
to. It’s getting lazy and isn’t snapping
back against my bones like it’s supposed to.
It’s just copying the skin around my eyes, I think. Obviously, fighting the signs of aging is
kind of a losing battle. I’ve always
admired those that can glide into their later years with a measure of
grace. That’s kind of why I quit getting
my hair highlighted in the salons and have let more and more gray show. Plus, salon coloring is not cheap! Paul would not have cared one bit about the
skin on my neck and I don’t think I’d be all that worried about it, either, if
he were still alive. More than likely, a
few years from now I’d probably quit touching up my roots too and just let
nature take its gray course on my head.
But, now I’m in a unique
position as a widow. I’m “on the market”
– sort of. Not really. I’m not ready for dating. When I think long term, I know that,
unequivocally, I would like to find another husband someday, if that’s God’s
plan for me (and only if). But short
term, right now – the thought of any other man makes my stomach a bit
queasy. But I still feel a certain
pressure to keep up appearances and to be more careful with my own, so that
when the time comes, I would be more attractive to another man. After all, men are visual creatures. Paul
looked at me and did not see the signs of aging I saw when I looked in the
mirror. I knew him well enough to know that was definitely the case. So I didn’t worry about those signs too
much, as a result. But another man is
not going to be nearly so forgiving because he won’t know me yet. He’ll only see the outside.
Or maybe I
should chuck my face cream out the window and be like Isaac’s servant. If a man started sniffing around someday and
wasn’t turned of by my saggy skin, then I’d know that was a sure sign from God
that he is the one! Instead of a water
test, I’d be doing a skin test. I don’t
know. I have a feeling someday I’ll
re-read this post and be doing a lot of eye-rolling as I do so!
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| Summer 2012 - Paul loved root beer floats and made them frequently. I wonder what he was laughing about here? |
So, Friday was
Valentine’s Day and it went pretty much like I expected. It was fine.
I wasn’t surprised that the only Valentine I received was from
David. The others just don’t think of
things like that.
As it turned out, the
next couple of days did bring me a few Valentines (not that I was looking for
them). A friend of mine who was widowed
a number of years ago, much like I was and at nearly the same age thought of me
and sent me a card, along with money, telling me, “Spend this on YOU!” That made me cry. And then, while it wasn’t a Valentine, my
Word Weavers group sent me a check and card, refunding my year’s membership fee
I had already paid. I was just so
touched by that. I’ve only made it to
one of their meetings because of Amanda the Panda the last couple of months. And then a friend slipped a gift bag in my
diaper bag Sunday with a note reminding me that I am loved.
Of course, this isn’t
what I wanted for Valentines. I want
what I used to have. And Friday night I
was feeling a bit blue about that. But
the thought occurred to me that I have been called to widowhood. Just as with other life circumstances God
allowed (motherhood, special needs parenting, adoption, etc) He has set this
path before me and called me to walk it.
It actually brought me a certain amount of pleasure that night to think
that my disappointment in not having Paul as my Valentine anymore is something
God has asked me to bear. I could offer
up that hurt as an offering to Him.
It may take more than
that this Thursday. I know I’ll be
thinking of the events 21 years ago that day and I know I will feel the grief more keenly that day. Do you suppose Paul will remember the
significance of that day? I hope
so. Only, I know he won’t have the
accompanying grief. I suppose he’ll be
feeling doubly thankful that he got to experience marriage with me and thanking
God for the 20 years we did have. There
may be a lesson for me in that, too!
And I am
thankful. I really am. I wouldn’t trade those years for anything,
even knowing how it all turned out in the end.
I remember when the first batch of boys were small being discouraged about
my marriage. Paul wasn’t perfect and it
irritated me (more than my imperfection irritated him, I know!). I remember sitting in a MOPS meeting and the
pastor’s wife of the church where we met served as the “Titus” woman of our
group. I remember the day she looked at
all us young moms and said, “Your husband is a gift to you from
God.” For some reason, her words struck
deep with me that day. I didn’t always
view Paul as a gift to me and that simple statement that day changed my
thinking at a very deep level. I think I
just needed to hear that at the point I was in my marriage.
He was a gift. Those 20 years of marriage were gift, as was
the life we built together.
Oh, how I miss him! I miss him all the time, but this February, this anniversary anniversary, I miss him with even more passion, deepness, and fervency - and with a greater sense of loss.
Psalm 56:8 Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book?
That picture of Paul is priceless. I imagine he's probably chuckling at something Sam said. That kid is a riot (based on what I read).
ReplyDeleteBlue Man group is EXCELLENT! And if anybody isn't going to like them, it'd be me. We saw them in Orlando. Then we saw them in Las Vegas. We did find out that they NEVER change their show. So, the Las Vegas show was terribly boring (to us). But our first show was incredibly neat! I'm sure the boys loved it!
I'm praying extra for you as you approach your anniversary.