Day 114
I’m tired today. I thought
I was going to get to bed earlier last night, but didn’t. And when I did go, I did not fall asleep
until 12:30 or so. I have not had more
than 6 hours of sleep a night for the past couple of weeks. I’m not sure why. Initially, sleeplessness was only a problem
for me for the first 10 days or so of widowhood. Now it seems to have returned. As a result, I’m dragging a bit during the day.
Tuesday night was a good night.
Will, Ben, David, and I went to see Kirk Cameron’s new movie, “Unstoppable.” It was just really good. He dealt with the subject of why horrible,
tragic things sometimes happen to God’s people – which is a question mankind
has wondered about since the beginning of time.
In the movie, which is more of a documentary than anything, Kirk does a
really good job of taking the viewer back to Creation and showing how God’s
mercy has been so evident throughout Biblical history – and today, too, of
course. Before the presentation started,
there was a live stream event from Liberty University
An older couple from church watched the Littles for me. I was very impressed by their
willingness. They are in their early
seventies and have a super, super nice home, but they were willing to risk
their nice things and expend the energy by keeping up with my little wild ones. And as we left they were thanking me for
letting them do it!
One of Paul’s friends was putting up a deer stand this week and
fell 17’, injuring himself quite badly.
He’s going to be ok, but will be out of commission for awhile. When I read this on Facebook, I actually began
to rise from my seat, intent on grabbing my phone so I could call Paul and let
him know. Why does my mind do this? How long will it happen, I wonder?
Will ended up getting a job this week, but it didn’t last
long. We thought he was just being asked
to fill in on a roofing crew for a day or two.
But after Will got there, he discovered that he was now considered an
employee. Unfortunately, it was not
a good work situation. That first day
Will came home in tears and told me he had started crying as soon as he got in
his car to leave. The reason was
two-fold: the job was really, really hard and he was not treated well by the
other workers, but also, all his other previous working experience had been
with Paul and that was hard for him. It
also kind of dawned on both Will and I that if he works full time he is not
going to be able to get the house done before he leaves for college next
fall. In my way of thinking, that’s the
most important thing. Will already works
part-time for the state, providing respite care for Ben and we can get those
hours increased, so he’ll be bringing in some money. He’s got a good chunk saved already, too. Will went back the next day because he had
given his word, but that was the last day.
It was a hard situation for both of us.
I understand that it is sometimes necessary for young people to work
unpleasant jobs. It’s pretty naïve of
them to think that they are going to enjoy every single work situation they
find themselves in. But I don’t think
the kids should have to be miserable, either.
Or work in a smoke-filled environment with co-workers and supervisors
who abuse you! He’s home and we
are both quite relieved. It was one of
those situations, though, where I sure wished I had Paul to talk to.
Yesterday, Sam burst into the house and said, “Mom, I need a
hammer!” Call me nosy, but I thought it
prudent to ask him just why he needed a hammer (this is the child who
has driven nails in brand new drywall and into my dining room chairs as a
toddler). Exasperated, he exclaimed, “Um,
I just need one, ok?!” Yeah, I don’t
think so…As it turned out, he and Lizzie were breaking up dirt clods outside,
which was ok. But then I found out that
when I failed to produce the requested hammer for Sam, he found himself a
crowbar to use instead. I’m not so
confident where that child is concerned when it comes to hand tools.
I’m back to writing for Jewels of Encouragement. My first post published yesterday - http://www.jewelsofencouragement.com/2013/09/held.html. That actually felt good. I had not produced anything for them since
April, I think. I wrote about Paul, of
course. I was so humbled by the amount
of encouragement I received from writing that post. I rather imagine I’ve got at least a year’s
worth of devotionals now on grief, God, and widowhood. And here’s something kind of neat about my
writing: I find it difficult to write at all where our computer is, out in the
open. It’s out there for a good reason,
so I can keep an eye on what the kids are accessing on the computer. But when I am sitting at it, every single
child decides that I must need their company.
It’s so frustrating because I cannot be talked to and write at the same
time. I’m going to be getting a new
bedroom sometime this next year and I had already determined that I’m putting a
desk in there with a desktop computer of my own. Well, today, Will and I were visiting with
one of Paul’s friends and he asked me if I could use a nearly new
computer. He had used it in his
business, which he is no longer running and has no use for the computer. He’s going to have it wiped clean for me and
then it’s all mine! And it's a nice computer!
And another piece of happiness: I get to go back to scrapbooking
in a couple of weeks! I have not done
this in well over a year – probably a year and a half. I got so busy when the girls arrived last
summer and wasn’t legally allowed to leave them with the boys. So I was a little bit constrained by
that. And then football started for Will
and that tied up every Friday night last fall.
I just never got back to it once we got into winter. But I had decided that this month would be a
good month to go. I tentatively asked
Will about it because it would mean that he would have to miss attending his
old team’s football game (he’s been going nearly every Friday this season) in
order to babysit. David will be at a
youth activity that night. At first Will
wasn’t sure. Even if he didn’t go to the
game, there was a possibility of him attending some other event, he mused out
loud. Then he suddenly stopped and said,
“No – you go, Mom. I’ll stay home with
Ben and the Littles.” I asked him if he
was sure, but he insisted, mentioning that he knew it had been a long, long
time since I had scrapbooked. What a
thoughtful young man I have raised! I can’t
believe how giddy I feel about actually getting back to my scrapbooking
group! Maybe I’ll get caught up one of
these days - ?!?
Last night I got the kids’ pictures taken for our Christmas cards,
along with a formal adoption picture of the girls. I had a big discount on a product that was
going to expire soon, so I thought it best to haul them all in to Penneys to take
advantage of that. Surprisingly, it went
very, very well. Not a single one of
them was drippy nosed and they all cooperated amazingly with each other and the
photographer! This is no small feat when
you have a half dozen to work with!
Afterwards we went to Chick-fil-A and used some coupons the kiddos had
been given at VBS this summer (the same week Paul died). That part was a little difficult for David
because the last time he had been in the new Chick-fil-A had been with Paul
last spring. It was the same for me, but
I didn’t tell him that. We just have to
power through these kind of things, I think.
David continues to struggle, especially. I’m looking into some Amanda the Panda group
sessions for us after the first of the year.
I’m a little dubious about starting up with them because they are not
faith-based and I struggle to believe that it is possible to find true healing
apart from God. But, there may be some
advantage to a group setting where one could talk with others who have
experienced deep loss. A couple of my
widowed friends have told me that Amanda the Panda was really helpful for their
families. I figure that if it’s not a
good thing, we never have to go back after the first session. Will told me that he has his church and that’s
all he needs. I understand what he’s
saying and I told him my main reason for considering this is for David’s sake
and Will said that he would go for him.
I did stumble across something earlier this week that I am hoping
to share with David as a reminder. It
was in my Bible study book that I am currently going through with my pastor’s
wife. There were four statements that
caught my attention; I starred them in my book.
- A world where God does not love us does not exist
- A world where God is
not in control of all things for our good and His glory does not exist
- A world where God is
not with me or does not hear my cry does not exist
- A world where God is
heavy-handed and mean-spirited does not exist
-
These worlds are fantasy worlds of our imaginations and to live in
a fantasy world is to hasten our own disintegration (Jim Berg – Quieting a
Noisy Soul)
This morning I was reading Psalm 92 and
the last verse reminded me of the above statements:
To declare
that the Lord is upright; He is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in Him.
I still hurt, of course. It’s
been nearly four months and there are times that my heart feels as splintered
as it did that first week. I miss Paul
tremendously. He is still constantly in
my thoughts and I would give anything to have him back. Even with the busyness and chaos of a
household of six children, I am lonely.
I still cry frequently. But I am
so encouraged to remember that God is good. He cannot be anything but good. And that means that Paul’s death is for our
good.
Even when it feels really, really bad.
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