I may be better now, but I'm not going to know until October. I went to a regular MD last Friday for antibiotics, which I got. But they made me sick! So I got new ones on Monday. Tuesday, my allergies started kicking in. So I'm going to be stuffy and miserable until October now. Really? I hope not. I really do. I just want to feel better again. The drugs I have to take are probably taking years off my lifespan and they make me so tired which makes me irritable. Sneezing my head off and dealing with a stuffy head and sore throat also makes me irritable, as does not getting enough sleep the night before, thanks to the stuffy head and sore throat.
Paul commented this week that I have been grouchy ever since we got the girls. He went on to clarify that I have not been real pleasant, actually, for the past 2 - 4 years. At first I was offended, but figured that getting grouchy about that would only prove his point. But I'm baffled as to what life event took place that suddenly turned me into a sourpuss. I really want to change. I absolutely do not want to be a grouchy wife and mom. I understand that right now we are going through a real time of testing as we adjust to being the parents of 6. I am having trouble keeping all the plates spinning, that's for sure!. I'm thinking, though, that being a grump has become my fall-back attitude. That is the last thing I want my kids to take from home as they leave - memories of a grouchy mom. So anyway, I need to do some thinking on this. I suspect that the answer may not be so much in eliminating stress as it is in learning how to gracefully handle said stress.
We went to Adventureland yesterday. It was a nice day for it - not too hot, which would have been miserable. We finally got up there and I got the stroller loaded up with everything we would need. We got the girls in their seats, Paul took a picture of all of us. And then it was the classic, "Do you have the tickets? No, I thought you had the tickets!" Argh! We had to unload everything, load the kids back up, and make another 40 min. round trip to fetch the tickets! So, it was about 1 before we actually got into the park, which was fine with me. My allergies were not being kind and I knew the day would be a test of endurance, anyway. Will joined us mid-afternoon, although it was only due to parental coercion. He had football practice in the AM and would have preferred to stay home and sleep. Although, I couldn't help but notice today that he also had practice, but yet, when he found out a bunch of his friends were headed to the state fair, he suddenly had plenty of energy to head that way himself this afternoon!
We did do the water park, too. I knew with 6 kiddos, it would be more of a challenge. I did meet a white mom with an adopted black daughter over in the splash pad area. She approached me when she figured out who my kids were with. We had a nice conversation. Later, I was able to float down the lazy river with Paul and Baby. That was probably the best part of the whole day! A-Land added a wave pool this year and I did want to try that out. It was kind of fun for a little bit. But then, I was on a tube with Baby on my lap, Paul was on another tube and a wave, or another tube rider crashed into me and I completely flipped over, upside down. I banged my head hard on the bottom of the pool and totally scraped up both knees. All I could think about, though, was baby, because she went down with me. Fortunately, she had a life jacket on and was just as happy as could be! I guess it's not a good idea to take little ones into that wave pool. They allowed them, but it's probably best avoided, I'm thinking. My sunglasses got lost in the water and I was very concerned because they are $300 prescription glasses! Fortunately, Paul was able to find them after awhile. I'm still banged up with a big lump on my head. The worst part was that I got my hair all wet and when my hair gets all wet and dries naturally, it looks horrible. I went to both gift stores, looking for some barrettes or a headband but they didn't sell them. I eventually stole a tiny hairband off B's braids and bought a big one from the gift store (that they did sell) and was able to pull my hair back so it didn't look quite so awful. A little bit later I went on a roller coaster and jammed my big toe against a covered bolt on the floor. It broke my nail and began to bleed. And people wonder why I'm so grouchy...
Last weekend was our trip out west. It went fine. It ended up being the same weekend that Paul's great-niece and nephew moved in with his folks - lots happening! I was able to spend some time with the niece, who is 8 years old. She is a really nice child and very mature for her age. When I did B's hair on Saturday night she asked me to do hers the same way. When I did my shopping this week I swung into a couple of a consignment stores and was able to find some church dresses for Elli. She had grown out of what she had and I figured I probably had a better handle on little girls' clothing than Paul's 70 year old mother does! So I bought the dresses, along with matching hair accessories and mailed them to her this week.
Last Wednesday we inadvertently skipped church. Our plan was to eat at Chick-fil-A and then drive over to church. Had we not had to wait in line for 2 hours and 40 minutes, we might have made it. As it was, we were eating our supper at 8:30 pm! It was the Chick-fil-A appreciation day called for by Mike Huckabee and we definitely wanted to stand with other Christians and voice our support for not only traditional, Biblical marriage, but for freedom of speech. It was SO cool to see the lines wrapped around the inside of the mall. You had the knowledge that you weren't standing in line for supper, but for a much greater cause. I just loved being part of the whole experience! A few days later while shopping with Kathy, I stumbled across a Chick-fil-A shirt at Kohls and had to buy it for Ben (because he needed a first-day-of-school shirt).
Probably not coincidentally, the Des Moines Rag - er, Register - ran a story the following Sunday about a man here in central Iowa. It caught my attention because this man is a foster/adoptive parent. He has sacrificed so much for his four children and the story made tears come to my eyes. But yet, the focus of the story was not on the foster care/adoption part of the story. It was on the fact that this man is gay. It bothered me after reading it and I couldn't put my finger on why I was so bothered until a little bit later. It then that I realized that the story had not been about this man's experiences in parenting as much as it was about his lifestyle choice. If the newspaper truly wanted to write an article about foster care and adoption, there are thousands of Iowa families (well, hundreds, at least) who have touching stories to share about their experiences with foster care and adoption. But, no, they chose to write about a gay man and then used the circumstances of his parenting as a reason for the article, when that was not the reason at all. There was a bigger agenda at play. That's why I was bothered!
I got Ben registered for school today and turned in the other boys' CPI forms for homeschooling. Now, if I could just get their schoolwork figured out for next year! I'm starting to panic, since we need to start in two weeks!
Busy week next week, too, which does not bode well for getting schoolwork figured out. Monday morning, I go to the zoo with some friends who are in town, that afternoon I have an appt. for the girls. Tues. evening I have to attend some mtg at school with Ben. That's when he'll be given his laptop and that's when I have to track down the principal again to inform him that I don't want Ben bringing home his laptop - again. Wednesday is our big court day. Thursday I go to the dentist so I can be scolded about my flossing habits. Friday may actually be free at this point. But I'm not holding my breath.
Pray for me, friends, ok? I really need extra strength these days. I'm feeling very sapped, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Yet, at the same time, I know God does not ask us to do things He will not equip us for. That's a very precious promise and one that I am hedging everything on these days!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Monday, July 30, 2012
Lots of Learning
All my boys are back now. Will had Sr. High camp last week and said it was his best week of camp ever. Now he's attending Football Camp, which is actually different from previous years. Rather than literally camping out at the school, he just attends from 5:30 - 8:30 every night this week. Then next week starts actual football practice. His last year...sniff...
I am glad to have all my chicks in the nest again, though. I took Will in for his sports physical this morning. He's 6'1" now and 170 lbs. Paul is 6 foot and weighs 200.
Guess what I've been learning a lot about? It's called Reactive Attachment Disorder. The child with an attachment disorder lives for power - for protection. Because he survived whatever neglect and abuse was meted out before his removal he views everything in life as a battle. It is imperative that he "win" every encounter. He's also all about protecting his heart. If he's been moved around (and by virtue of being a foster child, he has) he has quickly learned that there is no such as thing as permanence. If he builds a barrier between himself and whoever his caregiver is, then it won't be so hurtful when he is moved again. Sometimes, these children can be reached, but sometimes the damage is so great that the new parents spend the rest of their lives trying to heal the hurt within their child and are unsuccessful. I'm reading a recommended book entitled, "Parenting the Hurt Child." I'm learning a lot. You should ask me sometime why I'm reading this. I bet you can guess. We may have taken on a battle we can never win. But I'm going to do my best - which is all God is asking of me.
It sounds like Paul is definitely going to be a big brother again. His dad called last night and said they found out that they can definitely adopt their great-grandkids, who would be Paul's great niece and nephew. Now, technically and legally, they will be his siblings. I've got some mixed feelings about that whole situation. But then I suppose mixed feelings are always going to be part of the bag when you're dealing with an unnatural situation created by sin.
I have been really sick for quite awhile, but am starting to feel better finally. I got what I thought was a cold two weeks ago. It was horrible and I just couldn't get better. I finally went to Urgent Care a week ago (I always forget how incompetent they are at Urg. Care until I go again - imbeciles) thinking I had a sinus infection. After I waited for an hour to be seen they told me I just had a simple cold and there was nothing they could do for me. Grrr....I was gradually getting better, but I had just never had something hang on like this. Last Thurs. we went to Jefferson to see Dr. Miller. Our primary reason for seeing him is for allergy treatment. But I mentioned to him that my immune system seems to be shot lately, which baffles me because I am normally so healthy, thanks to all the Vit D I ingest He did some testing on me and said, "You are really sick!" No kidding. He said I have been sick for months, which doesn't surprise me. I have gotten one thing after another since last Feb. And, he said that he strongly suspected it was an e-coli infection. Eww! But he said he fixed me. And honestly, I am feeling tons better now.
I bought a Kindle today. A year ago at this time I would have laughed at the idea and claimed that nothing could replace the feel of paper in the hands. But, I've been slowly persuaded of the value in recent months. I just bought the basic edition. It's all I wanted. I didn't need all the fancy features of the $200 Fire version. I already had a $25 gift card to Best Buy from a previous promotion a few weeks ago when I bought some virus protection so with tax and everything, I paid under $60 for my kindle. And then I ordered a lighted case for it off Amazon this afternoon for $15. So we'll see how I like it. I think I will like it - a lot!
Here is a link to an article I wrote a few weeks ago for Jewels: http://www.jewelsofencouragement.com/2012/07/no-surgery-needed.html This one surprised me. I wasn't all that excited by it when I wrote it. I wrote it in a hurry because I was already 2 days past my deadline. I didn't really like how it came together. In fact, I didn't even have plans to put a link to it on Facebook because I just didn't care for it. I checked the link at 7:30 the morning it posted just to make sure it posted correctly. To my surprise, I already had 3 comments on it! So, I figured it must be better than I had thought it was! I put the link up on FB and 2 of my friends ended up sharing the link on their page. People seemed to really like this article, for some reason! I wrote about true love and plastic surgery. I figured somewhere along the way I would make someone mad because I didn't even include a line in the article about how I didn't have a problem with plastic surgery, per se, that it was an individual decision, and so on. I thought about putting something like that in but there just was not a good spot for it. But nobody said anything, so I guess I didn't offend!
The girls' case worker is coming over for her first visit this Wednesday, I found out today. I have a feeling that a compulsive urge to clean is about to hit. It had better, anyway, for my sake!
August happens this week. I think August officially means that summer is over, although Ben doesn't go back until the 22nd and I don't plan to start school with the other boys until after then. But I have so much to do between now and then to get ready for everyone's schooling. I'm actually a little concerned about how I'm going to get it all done. It will get done, but I'm just not sure how!
We are headed out west this weekend. Kathy and I are getting together. I have a feeling I am going to appreciate this visit more than any other one I've ever had before! Paul is going to try to get the AC in his mom's van working for her. Next week we are going to Adventureland one day. We have been wanting to get out to Living History Farms in August, too, but I don't know when we can make that work. I know Paul is talking about starting to dig out the basement at the end of the month, too. I'm dreading that - looking forward to more room, but dreading the mess again!
One day at a time...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Joy in the Valley
I'm ba-a-ack! Well, kind of. I used to be so good at blogging but this last month - oh, boy...
We are nearly done with week 3 of having our new additions. I think we're settling in. There have been some definite behavior issues to address, but it's been good because it has forced me to evaluate my own parenting and re-think some things. Overall, I'd say things are great and bonding is happening. I'm tired, but I think that's to be expected. Last week I was definitely feeling drained in all different ways - mentally, physically, emotionally. This week I am doing better and starting to emerge out of the fog, I think. A little bit ago we met (well, I met) with the court-appointed attorney who represents our girls - their guardian ad lit um, I think he's called. He was very helpful to me and helped provide some reassurance I was hoping for. This process is one of a lot of emotional ups and downs because nothing is settled yet. But in the midst of all the uncertainty we have two little girls who need some stability and consistency, regardless of what their foster mama is feeling at the moment. It's definitely one of the tougher things I have ever taken on! God is control and His will will be accomplished, regardless of what the final outcome is.
I did realize this week that I am going to have to change my shopping locales, though. For 8 years I have been using a certain Walmart in Des Moines but Monday, someone who knows our girls approached me. She was perfectly nice, but it kind of freaked me out. I do not want to have encounters like this. So I'm going to have to make some shopping changes. It helped too, that I had this big ordeal that day checking out. I was attempting to purchase some storage tubs and the cashier tried to inform me that she could not sell them to me because they were "not in the system." The whole ordeal probably took about a half hour. I stubbornly insisted that Walmart would sell me the tubs because I had just carted them for an hour and a half throughout the store and I was not leaving without them. In the end, I got what I wanted, but I was more than a little steamed about the whole episode. I'm thinking there are some better Walmarts in the metro area where I could do my shopping!
This week Paul and the older boys are all up at camp. It's been a nice week and it's been a rough week because of that. I enjoy not having to cook and getting to watch movies every night. But it's been hard because I am parenting 3 small children all by myself. The things I normally have the older boys do - taking out the garbage, feeding the dog, taking care of the dishwasher, bringing down laundry, picking up, etc - I have to do myself. And I miss having Paul around. He's just my rock, especially in the churning waters we currently find ourselves wading through. Yesterday, my friend Julie and her little girl came over (we had a 1 yr old, a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old at our house yesterday!). I enjoyed it so much. I think I just have been that deprived of adult conversation! I remember these days when Will, Ben, and David were small. It is one of the toughest seasons of motherhood, I think.
Before they left, David told Sam he would be the "man of the house" this week. Sam took that to heart. Yesterday I went to get the mail and he stopped me and said, "I'm the man of the house and mans get the mail!" Then today he was quite disgusted at his sister who objected to him telling her he was the boss of her. As he told me, "Being a man means being the boss!" Poor kid!
Paul had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago. He got hurt working on a furnace. It was right on his knuckle. He ended up getting the nurse up at camp to take the stitches out for him.
I have lost 10 lbs in just the last couple of months. I realized a couple of weeks ago I was down 6 and then I weighed myself earlier this week and another 4 have gone missing. I had begun to notice that my pants were feeling awfully loose these days. That part of weight loss is annoying. At first I was just baffled because I haven't changed anything - I'm eating the same and I'm not exercising (in fact, I sold my treadmill to make room for a baby crib). But it finally occurred to me that I have been taking a magnesium supplement since the end of April. By doing so, I have been able to quit taking my migraine medication. And one of the side effects of that medications is weight gain. That weight crept on so slowly that I never attributed it to the drug - figured it was just because I was getting older. But when I saw Dr. Miller in Jefferson this April he commented to me that the drug I was on does cause weight gain, although, he admitted, he didn't really think I was being bothered by that. So that would be my guess as to why the pounds have come off. Or else I have cancer and don't know it yet.
My grandma died last week. That's been kind of upsetting to me. It wasn't totally unexpected, but yet, I was surprised. I suppose I would have felt the same even if Grandma had been 110. I'll probably blog about her one of these days. She was a terribly influential person in my life. Now, I have no grandparents at all. I suppose that's not uncommon for being 41 years old. But it's still sad, I think.
The day after Grandma's death, Charlotte called. You may recall from earlier posts that I am close with my neighbors (late 60s), James and Charlotte. In fact, I had just been up to see them a few days earlier. At the time James mentioned that he had been coughing up blood for a few days. He ended up in the hospital the next day and I was able to get up to Mercy last Sat. to visit for awhile. Then, that Friday Charlotte called to let me know that they had just found out James had stage 4 lung cancer. It's not treatable and he doesn't have long. That is also upsetting to me and more than a little sad.
Today I am painting my back door - red. I had forgotten how much I hate working with red paint until I got this thing going. You have to put coat after coat on it before it looks right. My plan this week had been to paint both sides of the door (the other side will be white with blue trim, the kitchen side is white with yellow trim) and to sand and paint Baby's dresser. Yes, well, plans are always nice...Baby may have her dresser by the time she's 12, if I am lucky.
We will get through this time. A year from now, I'm going to be smiling as I look back on how far we have all come. And even though the "getting there" may be a little uncomfortable, it's not without its own joys. I am choosing to embrace life, even in the valley.
We are nearly done with week 3 of having our new additions. I think we're settling in. There have been some definite behavior issues to address, but it's been good because it has forced me to evaluate my own parenting and re-think some things. Overall, I'd say things are great and bonding is happening. I'm tired, but I think that's to be expected. Last week I was definitely feeling drained in all different ways - mentally, physically, emotionally. This week I am doing better and starting to emerge out of the fog, I think. A little bit ago we met (well, I met) with the court-appointed attorney who represents our girls - their guardian ad lit um, I think he's called. He was very helpful to me and helped provide some reassurance I was hoping for. This process is one of a lot of emotional ups and downs because nothing is settled yet. But in the midst of all the uncertainty we have two little girls who need some stability and consistency, regardless of what their foster mama is feeling at the moment. It's definitely one of the tougher things I have ever taken on! God is control and His will will be accomplished, regardless of what the final outcome is.
I did realize this week that I am going to have to change my shopping locales, though. For 8 years I have been using a certain Walmart in Des Moines but Monday, someone who knows our girls approached me. She was perfectly nice, but it kind of freaked me out. I do not want to have encounters like this. So I'm going to have to make some shopping changes. It helped too, that I had this big ordeal that day checking out. I was attempting to purchase some storage tubs and the cashier tried to inform me that she could not sell them to me because they were "not in the system." The whole ordeal probably took about a half hour. I stubbornly insisted that Walmart would sell me the tubs because I had just carted them for an hour and a half throughout the store and I was not leaving without them. In the end, I got what I wanted, but I was more than a little steamed about the whole episode. I'm thinking there are some better Walmarts in the metro area where I could do my shopping!
This week Paul and the older boys are all up at camp. It's been a nice week and it's been a rough week because of that. I enjoy not having to cook and getting to watch movies every night. But it's been hard because I am parenting 3 small children all by myself. The things I normally have the older boys do - taking out the garbage, feeding the dog, taking care of the dishwasher, bringing down laundry, picking up, etc - I have to do myself. And I miss having Paul around. He's just my rock, especially in the churning waters we currently find ourselves wading through. Yesterday, my friend Julie and her little girl came over (we had a 1 yr old, a 2 yr old, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old at our house yesterday!). I enjoyed it so much. I think I just have been that deprived of adult conversation! I remember these days when Will, Ben, and David were small. It is one of the toughest seasons of motherhood, I think.
Before they left, David told Sam he would be the "man of the house" this week. Sam took that to heart. Yesterday I went to get the mail and he stopped me and said, "I'm the man of the house and mans get the mail!" Then today he was quite disgusted at his sister who objected to him telling her he was the boss of her. As he told me, "Being a man means being the boss!" Poor kid!
Paul had to get stitches a couple of weeks ago. He got hurt working on a furnace. It was right on his knuckle. He ended up getting the nurse up at camp to take the stitches out for him.
I have lost 10 lbs in just the last couple of months. I realized a couple of weeks ago I was down 6 and then I weighed myself earlier this week and another 4 have gone missing. I had begun to notice that my pants were feeling awfully loose these days. That part of weight loss is annoying. At first I was just baffled because I haven't changed anything - I'm eating the same and I'm not exercising (in fact, I sold my treadmill to make room for a baby crib). But it finally occurred to me that I have been taking a magnesium supplement since the end of April. By doing so, I have been able to quit taking my migraine medication. And one of the side effects of that medications is weight gain. That weight crept on so slowly that I never attributed it to the drug - figured it was just because I was getting older. But when I saw Dr. Miller in Jefferson this April he commented to me that the drug I was on does cause weight gain, although, he admitted, he didn't really think I was being bothered by that. So that would be my guess as to why the pounds have come off. Or else I have cancer and don't know it yet.
My grandma died last week. That's been kind of upsetting to me. It wasn't totally unexpected, but yet, I was surprised. I suppose I would have felt the same even if Grandma had been 110. I'll probably blog about her one of these days. She was a terribly influential person in my life. Now, I have no grandparents at all. I suppose that's not uncommon for being 41 years old. But it's still sad, I think.
The day after Grandma's death, Charlotte called. You may recall from earlier posts that I am close with my neighbors (late 60s), James and Charlotte. In fact, I had just been up to see them a few days earlier. At the time James mentioned that he had been coughing up blood for a few days. He ended up in the hospital the next day and I was able to get up to Mercy last Sat. to visit for awhile. Then, that Friday Charlotte called to let me know that they had just found out James had stage 4 lung cancer. It's not treatable and he doesn't have long. That is also upsetting to me and more than a little sad.
Today I am painting my back door - red. I had forgotten how much I hate working with red paint until I got this thing going. You have to put coat after coat on it before it looks right. My plan this week had been to paint both sides of the door (the other side will be white with blue trim, the kitchen side is white with yellow trim) and to sand and paint Baby's dresser. Yes, well, plans are always nice...Baby may have her dresser by the time she's 12, if I am lucky.
We will get through this time. A year from now, I'm going to be smiling as I look back on how far we have all come. And even though the "getting there" may be a little uncomfortable, it's not without its own joys. I am choosing to embrace life, even in the valley.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
This is a FaithWriter's story I wrote a couple of months ago. It didn't make it into the top 10, so I'm copying it here. Our subject was "weary." I kind of liked this one!
Coming Apart
“You just don’t understand!” With that anguished cry, sixteen year old feet run up the stairs and the resounding bam! of her bedroom door slamming shakes the house. I start to head up the stairs, intent on scolding my daughter (“We do not
slam doors in this house, young lady!”) but instead, I pause, and then
head the opposite direction. I’m just so tired of arguing with Kasey
these days. Truthfully, I do understand because I was sixteen once, - a long time ago. Before I was so tired all the time.
I hear the raised voices before I reach the family room. It’s the twins, fighting with each other again. I’m tempted to ignore the fracas, but then I see Joe straddling his brother, with his fist in the air, holding a video remote controller. Pinned underneath his brother, Luke is about to have a very close encounter with the controller.
“Joe!” I yell. My nine - year old pauses, mid-swing. Thus ensues a session of “He did, well, he said” and ends with me sending one culprit to his room and the other to go feed the dog. I feel a headache coming on.
I enter the kitchen, intent on finding an aspirin – or the whole bottle. I pass by my desk and suddenly remember that the energy company expects to have a check in their hot little hands by tomorrow. Ugh. I mentally try to subtract this week’s groceries, the boys’ field trip money, and the check I had to write to the vet from last week’s balance. Hmm – wonder how much is in savings? If only Bill was working regular hours like he used to. But his employer has taken a hit with the economy, too. Once again, the idea of maybe having to look for some part-time work runs through my head.
I sigh - I’m tired. But it’s more than that, really. It’s this bone-deep weariness that has crept into my soul. Where’s the rest? Where’s the peace? This chaos and upset is not what I dreamed of when I used to envision my future life. Maybe it’s just called “reality.” Whatever it is, though, sometimes I feel like I’m coming apart.
I see that some child has drunk exactly two-thirds of a can of soda and left the remainder on the counter. I pour the rest into a mug and add some ice. Slipping outside, I sit down on the porch swing. Creak…creak…I am reminded that I need to ask Bill to oil that thing.
Closing my eyes, I drink and attempt to enjoy the last little bit of daylight. I know the kids will find me eventually, but for now I enjoy the quiet. I hear the ducks greeting each other down by the pond and the rustle in the grass of – well, I really don’t want to know what’s rustling in the grass! Maybe I just need to take more moments like these throughout the day – to relax, to de-stress.
“Come unto Me, all ye that are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”
The Scripture learned long-ago pops into my mind. Can it be that easy? I know that when I go back in the house I’ll still have a surly teenager, boys that fight better than they get along, a dog intent on destroying every good piece of furniture we own, and bills we can’t pay. But if there’s some rest along the way for my fatigue, then maybe that’s all I need for now. And if that rest can come from Jesus, then so much the better. I think He probably understood heart - weariness as much as anyone during His time on earth.
Crunching over the gravel, Bill’s truck pulls into the driveway. As he gets out, I can tell by the slump of his shoulders that it’s been another rough day. I scoot over and pat the swing beside me. Bill slowly eases his body down. We don’t say anything, but watch as the brilliant sun disappears over the horizon. Bill’s calloused hand slides under mine and we lace fingers.
I feel my heart begin to lighten. Perhaps life isn’t so terrible after all. Sometimes a weary heart just needs the chance to come apart and rest for a little bit, that’s all.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear a mother duck, quacking to her little ones, calling them close for the night.
It’s time to rest.
I hear the raised voices before I reach the family room. It’s the twins, fighting with each other again. I’m tempted to ignore the fracas, but then I see Joe straddling his brother, with his fist in the air, holding a video remote controller. Pinned underneath his brother, Luke is about to have a very close encounter with the controller.
“Joe!” I yell. My nine - year old pauses, mid-swing. Thus ensues a session of “He did, well, he said” and ends with me sending one culprit to his room and the other to go feed the dog. I feel a headache coming on.
I enter the kitchen, intent on finding an aspirin – or the whole bottle. I pass by my desk and suddenly remember that the energy company expects to have a check in their hot little hands by tomorrow. Ugh. I mentally try to subtract this week’s groceries, the boys’ field trip money, and the check I had to write to the vet from last week’s balance. Hmm – wonder how much is in savings? If only Bill was working regular hours like he used to. But his employer has taken a hit with the economy, too. Once again, the idea of maybe having to look for some part-time work runs through my head.
I sigh - I’m tired. But it’s more than that, really. It’s this bone-deep weariness that has crept into my soul. Where’s the rest? Where’s the peace? This chaos and upset is not what I dreamed of when I used to envision my future life. Maybe it’s just called “reality.” Whatever it is, though, sometimes I feel like I’m coming apart.
I see that some child has drunk exactly two-thirds of a can of soda and left the remainder on the counter. I pour the rest into a mug and add some ice. Slipping outside, I sit down on the porch swing. Creak…creak…I am reminded that I need to ask Bill to oil that thing.
Closing my eyes, I drink and attempt to enjoy the last little bit of daylight. I know the kids will find me eventually, but for now I enjoy the quiet. I hear the ducks greeting each other down by the pond and the rustle in the grass of – well, I really don’t want to know what’s rustling in the grass! Maybe I just need to take more moments like these throughout the day – to relax, to de-stress.
“Come unto Me, all ye that are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.”
The Scripture learned long-ago pops into my mind. Can it be that easy? I know that when I go back in the house I’ll still have a surly teenager, boys that fight better than they get along, a dog intent on destroying every good piece of furniture we own, and bills we can’t pay. But if there’s some rest along the way for my fatigue, then maybe that’s all I need for now. And if that rest can come from Jesus, then so much the better. I think He probably understood heart - weariness as much as anyone during His time on earth.
Crunching over the gravel, Bill’s truck pulls into the driveway. As he gets out, I can tell by the slump of his shoulders that it’s been another rough day. I scoot over and pat the swing beside me. Bill slowly eases his body down. We don’t say anything, but watch as the brilliant sun disappears over the horizon. Bill’s calloused hand slides under mine and we lace fingers.
I feel my heart begin to lighten. Perhaps life isn’t so terrible after all. Sometimes a weary heart just needs the chance to come apart and rest for a little bit, that’s all.
Somewhere in the distance, I hear a mother duck, quacking to her little ones, calling them close for the night.
It’s time to rest.
Monday, July 2, 2012
It's Just Different
All you have to do is view the above picture to know that yes, we got the girls, and ahem...we've been shopping! In my defense, they badly needed shoes. Ok, so technically a person only needs one pair of shoes, but they have all these cute Sunday dresses and I've been waiting to buy little girl shoes a long, LONG time! So, that's why we came home with 12 pairs.
Last week was quite the week. We're into the second week now and still adjusting. I think we will be for some time. There's no major problems, but there is a world of difference between giving birth to a child and training them from the very start to being given a little stranger who already has a world view and set behavior patterns. It's going to take some time...lots of patience...consistency...love...prayer....wisdom.
And we have a baby in the house again, which is fun. She's not quite walking, but is into everything - yeah, that stage! Fortunately, we just went through this a few years ago with Sam so my memory isn't totally rusty. But I'm cleaning up lots of toddler messes these days!
And then, we all got sick last week on top of everything else! The girls came to us with head colds. We didn't get those, but we all got the flu. Fortunately, it was staggered. The boys all woke up vomiting on Thursday, I had it Friday, and Paul succumbed Saturday night. It was just a 24 hour bug so by the time the next person went down, the previous sickie was up and could help out. But I'm still tired and worn out from my bout. Do you know we had not had the flu in this house since November of 2008? And this was still too soon! I'm so used to all of us being healthy most all the time.
We got our new pool up last week. It's one Paul picked up at an auction this winter - actually the very day that we found out we had been approved for both our licenses. Oh, it is nice! I bought the little kids those expensive floaty suits and of course, we're taking all kinds of precautions with them in order to keep them alive. But we've never had anything other than a wading pool. For the first time we have room to actually swim and float - very relaxing! With the extra-warm temperatures we've been having it's even more enjoyable! I was fearful of what it would cost to fill it but I did the city's water bills this evening (and our meter was just read this morning) and our bill was only about $40 higher than normal - not as bad as I had feared. And then I have to take into account all the money we're saving by not going to the public pools as often - good deal!
I don't think I really have anything else to report on right now. My life is pretty much consumed right now with these new additions to our house. Everyone keeps asking me how Sam is doing, which is understandable since he is closest in age to them. He's doing fine. Someday I can really envision him having a close relationship with his sisters. Right now, he's tolerant. The closeness will come later! He's kind of been "king of the castle" his entire life, so this is a huge change for him, but he is handling it well. I think it's hardest on me, to be honest. It's definitely what I wanted and it makes me very happy when they wrap their little arms around my neck. But I'm exhausted, too. Somebody needs me constantly and I continually have things to address with them. I just don't get a break! I think I kind of took the freedom I had with the boys for granted - and now it's gone. But I remember what it was like after Sam was first born and I remember feeling very similarly. I felt nearly panicked by all that needed to be done and all the demands on me. At least this time I don't have sore nipples on top of it!
We'll get through this time. God directed our steps and I know He will equip us to handle the many different things that are being thrown at us right now. It's not all bad - it's just different.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Mourning into Dancing
You have turned my mourning into dancing,
You have loosed my sackcloth
and clothed me with gladness
Psalm 30:11
I am dancing today. After I published yesterday's post, we received the call we have prayed for. Two little girls need a home and we've been chosen. Things look very promising for a future adoption and after we have fostered the little ones for six months we'll have that option.
I can't talk a whole lot on a public blog about our girls while they remain in the system, but I can talk about me. And I am rejoicing! We both are. I am excited and overwhelmed at the same time. I've discovered that the girls will need just about everything, so I am busy composing lists of what to hunt for and buy and what we can wait to get. Normally, one has 9 months to prepare for a new arrival - we have 12 days!
I got very little sleep last night because I could not shut off my brain. It is just whirling. I'm excited and I'm nervous. Preparing for this time was one thing, but there is something about having the reality land on your doorstep. I don't know how it will all work out. I do expect times of great happiness. And I also know there are going to be rough waters ahead as we seek to integrate these little girls into our family. It was 9 months ago I wrote on my blog about how God had lead us to the point where we had decided to step out in complete faith and obedience and pursue adoption. Now, we are actually stepping out of the boat.
I'm scared.
I'm exhilarated.
I'm trusting.
Everything will change for us on June 25. Rejoice with us. And pray, pray, fervently!
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Exhausted, Emotional, and Enduring
I have literally been running non-stop for about the past three weeks. Today is the first day that I don't have anywhere that I absolutely have to be (although I did run to the post office a few minutes ago). While I have plenty to do today, I plan on enjoying this brief respite!
We got back from camping two weeks ago and I immediately had to do my bi-monthly shopping the next day. Then, I spent the next few days getting ready for David's 13th birthday party. You can see him above with his friends. That Friday I took 9 very excited boys (including all my own) to see the new Avengers movie. I suffered through it. Super hero's are just not my kind of thing - no babies and no kissing! I think the party went well. In fact, I heard one of the boys exclaim, "This is the best party I've ever been to!" I had never actually thrown a real party before for any of the boys. Will has had friends come over to hang out for his birthdays but all I have ever had to do then was supply plenty of food and make a trip to Blockbuster. This time I had to actually plan things. After the movie, we grilled hot dogs. Then, I had an ice-cream bar where the kids could make their own sundaes. After that they had a silly string fight in the yard. We went to bed, but the kids all eventually fell asleep in the camper. I think I can call the whole endeavor a success!
The following Monday was the start of VBS. I also got 4 respite kids that day. Two went home the next day. It was an exhausting week. I was so very thankful, though, that this year I was working with the 5th and 6th graders. At first, when I was asked to do this age group I was actually a little disappointed. Normally, I always work with the 4-6 yr olds and I was kind of looking forward to having Sam in my class. But I am a people pleaser and I truly did want to be flexible, so I agreed. After dealing with my toddlers at home all week long, I was SO thankful to work with children in the evenings who could write their own names and go to the bathroom by themselves! VBS is always fun, but always tiring. Maybe I should take a break next year? I don't know. But then I'd feel guilty. Some people never take breaks from VBS and that makes me think that I shouldn't, either.
Ben worked in VBS again and really did not enjoy himself at all. I think he was kind of bored. It's hard to come up with jobs for him to do (he's too old to attend) that he's actually capable of doing. And he's older now and, I suspect, outgrowing VBS altogether. So I've been tossing around some ideas for next year. Unless he matures an awful lot in the next 12 months, I just can't see leaving him home alone every single night while we're at church. I could stay home with him, but that brings me back to the question of is it right for me to not work in VBS? I actually didn't work a couple of years ago because I didn't know what to do with Ben. It suddenly occurred to me a couple of days ago, though, that perhaps Ben could attend Special Camp next year. It's always held the same week as our VBS. He'll be 16 next summer and I would think could handle being away at camp (I hope!). I'm going to talk to the director of the camp, get the particulars, and then maybe we could work towards that next year. I actually ended up talking to Ben's DHS worker yesterday about the possibility of providing him some respite assistance while up at camp - not sure how or if that could work out or not. But I feel a bit better about the whole thing now, knowing we have options.
Last week was very, very difficult for me, emotionally, as well as physically, because of the respite kids I had and because I had such a difficult time, it made me sad and more impatient, knowing that my hopes are still being thwarted for "our" child! I know it's in God's hands, I know His timing is perfect, but I still whine because it's not happening now! Am I ever going to grow up? :)
I am honestly making a real attempt to not complain to Paul. I know he thinks I'm already over-burdened by this respite care. He has put the nix on several respite opportunities that have been presented to us - ones that I might have agreed to (that people-pleaser thing again!) otherwise. I'm not crying in bed at night or sighing plaintively, but he knows when I'm stressed. That's why I came home to these roses on Thursday night! I am a very, very blessed woman - I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.
Friday was the homeschool conference. This was my 10th conference. I didn't get to any classes this year, but that's happening more and more as the years roll on. I must think I already know it all or something. I actually kind of questioned the wisdom of spending $65 for the privilege of wandering around a curriculum hall to buy more stuff, but I did it anyway. I dropped off my respite toddlers at their home and headed to Des Moines. It was so amazing to have a quiet van ride! Kathy was at the conference alone on Friday so we got to have a nice, long lunch together. Then I was able to meet up with my friend, Sara (not that Sara, another Sara!) for awhile. I dashed back home, fed the boys, and headed to the last night of VBS. I got home at 10:00 and cleaned my house (sort of).
The next morning my parents arrived to watch the boys. In the meantime, I was a little concerned because Will was supposed to come home the night before and he never showed up. He was at Water and Work week camp all week long but had to leave on Friday night so he could take his ACT test on Sat. morning. A fellow attendee's parents were supposed to pick up Will and their son and bring them back, whereupon Will was to drive home. Only, he didn't. I assumed he had spent the night with Jake, which is what the case was. Will called me around noon to let me know he was done with the test and when I asked him about his whereabouts the night before, he said, "Didn't I tell you I was spending the night with Jake?" Details, details...
Paul worked Sat. morning and then drove over to the conference. We went to lunch with his co-worker and wife who are new homeschoolers. Then, the two of us walked around the curriculum hall, hand-in-hand, which was SO nice. It had been years since we had done that. I remember the early years of homeschooling with great fondness when we would attend everything together and make all the decisions together for the boys' material. Now I do it all. Paul wanted to find some math facts charts for David and we eventually did. We laughed together at the "EZ Buns" booth (a booth selling some hair thingys for more conservative women who are into long hair and buns, I guess - you would truly think they could come up with a better name. Last year I about died laughing when I ran across their booth the first time! Apparently, there are enough women wanting EZ buns that they came back, though, this year!).
I was able to get a nice, long nap on Sunday afternoon. We drove out to Jordan Creek that afternoon and met up with some friends who had come over from Council Bluffs. We took their son with us so that he could go up to Jr. Boys camp the next day (that's why I was at the post office this AM - he left his goggles in our van). Then, yesterday I did my shopping all over again. I did get two new kitchen rugs, which was kind of fun - thanks to them being on sale and the 30% coupon I had from Kohls! Take that, JC Penneys! (That's another rant for another day)
And that brings me to today, a day that stretches before me, blissfully and unencumbered with places to go and people to see. I'm not even wearing any make-up today!
The week will get a little busier as it goes on. I've got a city council meeting to get ready for. We have 3 respite kids arriving Thurs. night. I'll have them until Sun. evening. Sat. will be a bit crazy, I'm thinking. We'll have to pick our friend's son up from church, David (not my David, Ben's worker David) is coming over to do some SCL and respite with Ben, our friends our driving out to our house to pick up their son, I'll have 7 kids here...yeah, a bit busy!
Sunday morning we were watching a video for Sunday School - the next-to-last installment in the Jim Berg, "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series that we've been viewing since December. He started talking about people who can't stand to do nothing, who constantly have to be moving, and entertained, and so forth. They even go on vacation and have to go, go, go because they can't stand to take time to actually rest. Paul starts jabbing me in the side with his elbow as this guy is talking. I've begun to develop a sneaky suspicion over the past few months that I may fall into that category...but I'll think about that tomorrow when I'm not so busy!
Seriously, I don't know. I can admit that there probably is a part of me that does thrive on continual activity. This speaker called it a "high" which I don't really like because that implies that I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of being continually so, so busy. But couldn't it just be a (long, long) season of life, too? I find it hard to believe that I'll be trying to keep up this frantic pace when I am 75 years old - or that I will have need to. But truthfully, if I don't learn how to slow down, I may not live until I am 75. I'm not sure how one even begins to try to slow down. I think I would need to lose a few children and definitely not gain any more in order for that to happen. So, it something to pray about and ponder...later!!!
The following Monday was the start of VBS. I also got 4 respite kids that day. Two went home the next day. It was an exhausting week. I was so very thankful, though, that this year I was working with the 5th and 6th graders. At first, when I was asked to do this age group I was actually a little disappointed. Normally, I always work with the 4-6 yr olds and I was kind of looking forward to having Sam in my class. But I am a people pleaser and I truly did want to be flexible, so I agreed. After dealing with my toddlers at home all week long, I was SO thankful to work with children in the evenings who could write their own names and go to the bathroom by themselves! VBS is always fun, but always tiring. Maybe I should take a break next year? I don't know. But then I'd feel guilty. Some people never take breaks from VBS and that makes me think that I shouldn't, either.
Ben worked in VBS again and really did not enjoy himself at all. I think he was kind of bored. It's hard to come up with jobs for him to do (he's too old to attend) that he's actually capable of doing. And he's older now and, I suspect, outgrowing VBS altogether. So I've been tossing around some ideas for next year. Unless he matures an awful lot in the next 12 months, I just can't see leaving him home alone every single night while we're at church. I could stay home with him, but that brings me back to the question of is it right for me to not work in VBS? I actually didn't work a couple of years ago because I didn't know what to do with Ben. It suddenly occurred to me a couple of days ago, though, that perhaps Ben could attend Special Camp next year. It's always held the same week as our VBS. He'll be 16 next summer and I would think could handle being away at camp (I hope!). I'm going to talk to the director of the camp, get the particulars, and then maybe we could work towards that next year. I actually ended up talking to Ben's DHS worker yesterday about the possibility of providing him some respite assistance while up at camp - not sure how or if that could work out or not. But I feel a bit better about the whole thing now, knowing we have options.
Last week was very, very difficult for me, emotionally, as well as physically, because of the respite kids I had and because I had such a difficult time, it made me sad and more impatient, knowing that my hopes are still being thwarted for "our" child! I know it's in God's hands, I know His timing is perfect, but I still whine because it's not happening now! Am I ever going to grow up? :)
I am honestly making a real attempt to not complain to Paul. I know he thinks I'm already over-burdened by this respite care. He has put the nix on several respite opportunities that have been presented to us - ones that I might have agreed to (that people-pleaser thing again!) otherwise. I'm not crying in bed at night or sighing plaintively, but he knows when I'm stressed. That's why I came home to these roses on Thursday night! I am a very, very blessed woman - I need to keep reminding myself of that fact.
The next morning my parents arrived to watch the boys. In the meantime, I was a little concerned because Will was supposed to come home the night before and he never showed up. He was at Water and Work week camp all week long but had to leave on Friday night so he could take his ACT test on Sat. morning. A fellow attendee's parents were supposed to pick up Will and their son and bring them back, whereupon Will was to drive home. Only, he didn't. I assumed he had spent the night with Jake, which is what the case was. Will called me around noon to let me know he was done with the test and when I asked him about his whereabouts the night before, he said, "Didn't I tell you I was spending the night with Jake?" Details, details...
Paul worked Sat. morning and then drove over to the conference. We went to lunch with his co-worker and wife who are new homeschoolers. Then, the two of us walked around the curriculum hall, hand-in-hand, which was SO nice. It had been years since we had done that. I remember the early years of homeschooling with great fondness when we would attend everything together and make all the decisions together for the boys' material. Now I do it all. Paul wanted to find some math facts charts for David and we eventually did. We laughed together at the "EZ Buns" booth (a booth selling some hair thingys for more conservative women who are into long hair and buns, I guess - you would truly think they could come up with a better name. Last year I about died laughing when I ran across their booth the first time! Apparently, there are enough women wanting EZ buns that they came back, though, this year!).
I was able to get a nice, long nap on Sunday afternoon. We drove out to Jordan Creek that afternoon and met up with some friends who had come over from Council Bluffs. We took their son with us so that he could go up to Jr. Boys camp the next day (that's why I was at the post office this AM - he left his goggles in our van). Then, yesterday I did my shopping all over again. I did get two new kitchen rugs, which was kind of fun - thanks to them being on sale and the 30% coupon I had from Kohls! Take that, JC Penneys! (That's another rant for another day)
And that brings me to today, a day that stretches before me, blissfully and unencumbered with places to go and people to see. I'm not even wearing any make-up today!
The week will get a little busier as it goes on. I've got a city council meeting to get ready for. We have 3 respite kids arriving Thurs. night. I'll have them until Sun. evening. Sat. will be a bit crazy, I'm thinking. We'll have to pick our friend's son up from church, David (not my David, Ben's worker David) is coming over to do some SCL and respite with Ben, our friends our driving out to our house to pick up their son, I'll have 7 kids here...yeah, a bit busy!
Sunday morning we were watching a video for Sunday School - the next-to-last installment in the Jim Berg, "Quieting a Noisy Soul" series that we've been viewing since December. He started talking about people who can't stand to do nothing, who constantly have to be moving, and entertained, and so forth. They even go on vacation and have to go, go, go because they can't stand to take time to actually rest. Paul starts jabbing me in the side with his elbow as this guy is talking. I've begun to develop a sneaky suspicion over the past few months that I may fall into that category...but I'll think about that tomorrow when I'm not so busy!
Seriously, I don't know. I can admit that there probably is a part of me that does thrive on continual activity. This speaker called it a "high" which I don't really like because that implies that I am addicted to the adrenaline rush of being continually so, so busy. But couldn't it just be a (long, long) season of life, too? I find it hard to believe that I'll be trying to keep up this frantic pace when I am 75 years old - or that I will have need to. But truthfully, if I don't learn how to slow down, I may not live until I am 75. I'm not sure how one even begins to try to slow down. I think I would need to lose a few children and definitely not gain any more in order for that to happen. So, it something to pray about and ponder...later!!!
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