PS - I Love You

A postscript to my last post: 2 1/2 yrs ago I was privileged to watch my first (and maybe only) home birth. It was when my friend Tammy gave birth to her daughter, Lariah. Sam was only 6 months old then so he came along. Later on, I joked to Ray and Tammy that maybe I had just witnessed the birth of my future daughter-in-law. Well, it's funny, because by the time Sam was more cognizant and getting around on his own, it was evident that he just adores Lariah. He's always looking for her at church and generally, when you see one, you'll see the other. He is such a busy boy, but he will sit quietly by Lariah out in the church foyer. On Sunday mornings he'll generally make a comment about how we're going to church and he's going to see "Riah." Now that he's getting older, I've noticed he is starting to tease her more. In fact, a couple of weeks ago he was making faces at her in Children's Church so I had him move and that just broke his heart. He cried and cried so I finally ended up letting him sit by her again.

Well, today in Children's Church I was talking to the kids about love and I asked each of the children to name someone who loves them. So I asked Sam, "Who is somebody who loves you?" and without missing a beat, he replied, "Riah." The room just exploded with laughter -not from the kids, but from Paul and me and from the helpers. Interestingly enough, today's teen helpers were Will and Lariah's 18 yr old brother, Nathanael. So, those two were really cracking up!

It makes me curious to see what the future will bring, that's for sure!

Healthy Me, Good Drugs, and Vehicles

It's a Sunday night and I'm not at church -- mostly because I just didn't feel like getting out of my sweats and getting dressed up again! Pathetic, I know. I am fighting a cold, too, but it's not too bad. I do need to go take some more coconut oil soon, though.

Yes, coconut oil. I only recently learned about the powerful anti-viral properties of this product. What you do, when you are feeling ill is to take a spoonful of the oil and spread it on some toast and then coat that with honey to disguise the taste. It knocks whatever you've got right out. I woke up Friday feeling really icky so I bought some of this that day. It's almost instantaneous in how quickly you feel better. I had a piece of toast when I came home from church this morning and I have felt fine ever since. But I'm going to take another one after I get done writing this.

Paul had to get his tooth pulled the day before Thanksgiving. The day before a huge piece of it broke off and left a really sharp edge that kept cutting his tongue. So he got that yanked out. I noticed he got a prescription for Vicodan. I had to have c-sections to get prescriptions for that good stuff! I've had plenty of teeth pulled and I never got anything like that! I think I'm going to go to his dentist from now on! Although, I'm not planning to lose any more teeth.

Our Thanksgiving was quiet. I made a nice dinner, but it was meatballs instead of turkey. The boys were not impressed - and they don't even like turkey! Ben kept pawing through my grocery bags, asking, "Where's the turkey?" and David had plenty of choice comments for me. This was actually Paul's idea. He suggested we just have frozen pizza, but I thought of doing things a step up from frozen pizza. At one point David turned to me and said, "You know, I don't know why they call it 'Turkey Day' when some people serve MEATBALLS!" Sheesh...

Oh, I went to that Norwex party last week. I have to say I was really impressed. They do sell some actual cleaning products but their big thing is their microfiber cloths. They have silver in them and, as a result, you clean only with water. I'm looking forward to getting mine. Later, I read through their catalog and I was bothered to see that their big emphasis is saving the planet (which is a total crock) but the demonstrator didn't mention anything about that. She just showed us the products. I'm half tempted to have my own party and I don't have parties. I got talked into one when Will was a baby and it stressed me out so much I swore I'd never have another one. And I haven't. But if I do agree to host a Norwex party, it'll have to be after my house gets more in order.

Will dragged me out shopping on Black Friday. I didn't stumble across any great deals, but I did get some Christmas shopping done. I almost lost Sam, too. The crowds out at Jordan Creek were unreal. He got separated from me and I was panicking because there were so many people that I couldn't find him. It was only about a minute later that I spotted him standing in the throng, looking around. I don't even think he realized he was lost yet. But, oh, my heart was pounding hard!

I visited our new Trader Joe's for the first time. I LOVE that store! They have so many natural and good-for-you products. And they're not super-pricey. I bought some natural potato chips (not made with saturated fats), some pure mango juice, a bag of almonds (for a granola recipe I want to try) and some yummy all-natural crackers and I only spent a total of $13! I'm going back tomorrow. I didn't realize that good-for-you food could actually taste good, too. But even if it didn't, I'd still eat it, I think. I've been reading up on corn syrup and trans fats and what they do to your body. I have to change my eating habits as much as possible!

We loaded up on bullets and insulated socks and gloves at Scheels for hunting this next week. Oh, my goodness - these guys had better shoot a LOT of deer! Will's special insulated gloves with the rubberized trigger thumb cost $25! And the two pairs of insulated socks I got for him and Paul were $15 each!

Speaking of hunting: figuring out just how we're going to get out to Council Bluffs has been a bit of an ordeal. I've already made plans with Kathy to shop on Sat. But then last night Will said that Paul said he was just going to drive his truck (which he just got running). But we can't all fit in there! So we talked and talked about what to do and finally we decided that we'd just have to pay somebody this week to fix my silver van because Paul does not have the time and won't until probably after Christmas. I hate to pay somebody to do something that Paul can probably do on his own, but time is a commodity too.

But then this morning Paul says to me, "Why don't we just let Will buy a car?" I hadn't thought of that. It was going to happen sooner or later, so it might as well be now. He has the money and since we'd be using it, we can help him out or at least definitely pay for the licensing, insurance, gas, and any repairs. Then, we could take out the red van (that is making a dreadful whining noise) and if something happened on the way, we at least wouldn't be totally stranded because we'd have the car. So, Paul spent the afternoon perusing Craig's List and making some phone calls. He and Will will go look at several tomorrow night. Will is excited! Our use of it would be temporary - just until Paul gets the silver van fixed. I hope that's ok as parents - to have your child buy something and then to turn around and use it yourself!

When Paul gets home tonight we're going to watch the Hallmark movie and then grind up some deer meat that was given to us. We cut it up last night. A guy at church gave us a huge section of a deer he got bowhunting. I am so thankful because now I won't need to buy any hamburger tomorrow! And deer meat is much more healthy for you, too. I also started buying our eggs from the neighbor at the bottom of the hill who has a farm. They're a tad more expensive, but they're organic and free range! I sound sick, I know - what happened to the Dorito Queen?

So that's what I know for now. Off to go spread some coconut oil on toast (and I have always detested the taste and texture of coconut, by the way)...

Monday Musings

Today Sam was going to the bathroom and he told me, "My wiener is raining!" He thought that was hilarious...toddler humor!

Not a whole lot to catch up on today. I need to start dinner soon because I'm leaving early tonight to go to my first Norwex party. I'd never heard of them until about a month ago. Should be interesting - they sell cleaning cloths and stuff, I guess. And you know how much I LOVE cleaning!

Ben had his birthday last week. He got his long-coveted Wheel of Fortune Wii game, so he's been a happy boy. He's been coming down at 6:30 every morning to play. I always send him back to bed until 7am!

Oh - I'm getting published again! I was kind of bummed when I saw that my latest FW piece didn't place in my division. I'm so used to losing anymore that I didn't even think to check the Editor's Choices until my friend Kristi emailed me, saying, "Congrats!" I got 9th place! Here's the link to my story if you want to read it: http://www.faithwriters.com/wc-article-level4-previous.php?id=37506 I wrote about miscarriage this time. I think because so many women have been through it, it touched many at that level. My mom said it's a "three-hanky plus" piece! I have a great idea for this week's topic; I just need to find the time to write it!

So, anyway, that's 5 stories now that are going to be published in FW anthologies - I'm excited!

Paul cut a hole yesterday in the mud room and hung the new door. He bought this gorgeous Victorian door for $10 at an auction this summer. For some reason, I thought it was going to face the kitchen -not our ugly mud room. I really don't like that. The mud room is just that - uninsulated, storage, dirty...and now with a beautiful door! Whatever, I guess!

We still do not have an operating furnace and we're limping along with the one van...stressful times, to say the least. And Paul ended up having 2 seizures over the weekend. But he logged 70 hours of work last week, so I wasn't too surprised.

Well, I need to keep moving. Hard to believe it's Thanksgiving week, already...

New Maturity

Here I am, the NEW me! It's amazing what a haircut can do. I'd been mulling over the thought for awhile of cutting off all my hair. I didn't know if I would do it, but I did, as you can see. My reasons were multiple. I was tired of dealing with frizzy long hair. It takes a long time to do. And, 40 is looming large on the horizon, which doesn't bother me a bit. But there is something about that age that speaks of a new maturity and a shorter hairstyle seems more "adult" in my mind. Never mind that there are plenty of 40+ Hollywood actresses who still wear their hair long!

And not least of all, there comes an age for all women when long hair ceases to speak of youth and does the opposite - ages the woman. Obviously that's different for all and I'm not sure I was to that point yet, but why risk it? I need all the youth points I can get on my side! I was surprised to see today while doing the back that I've got gray hair creeping down the back of my head. I thought it was confined to the rootline. Apparently not. My stylist says she has a "plan" to let my gray grow in naturally, but at $68 a pop, I may need to come up with my own plan!

Maybe it's not just my hair that is maturing, either. Tuesday was our co-op pick-up. I ordered our first ever bag of evaporated cane juice (non-processed sugar) - expensive stuff! But I knew several of the other women in the group had ordered it in the past and I had only recently learned of the benefits of it. Anyway, while we waited for the truck, I ended up getting into some interesting conversations with the women on health and nutrition. There is SO much I don't know.

And then that very night was my Sp. Needs Moms group. I had no idea we were having a special speaker, via skype. Guess what her topic was - organic and whole eating! She has a blog that I've been studying all week since. I've also been peppering another member of the group with my questions.

The truth is, I don't want to change our eating habits. But I am becoming convinced that our general health would improve if our diets did. I don't want to get to 65 and be on tons of meds that eat up the budget, like some good friends/neighbors of ours have to be. I see Ben and lately David, really struggling with nasal allergies and I wonder - could it be what they eat? Last night Paul had two seizures and kneed me in the eyeball during one. Could he be helped? What about my neurological issues, my daily headaches?

But yet, I don't know how to do this. My new friend, Vicky, an expert out of necessity, is urging me to take it slow. Even, Carrie, on Skype, said it's important to not change to much at once - could send your body into shock or something, I guess. They suggest changing one thing a week or so. And then the expense of it concerns me greatly. It's hard enough to buy regular, additive and corn syrup filled food for 6 people and stay within budget. How on earth am I going to buy organic which costs a lot more?

And I LIKE junk food! My taste buds are very cultured towards sweets and junky stuff. They don't like vegetables and most fruits. And the boys - ! I've ruined them, raising them on white flour and sugar. They're NOT going to be open to changes in their diets!

But I'm praying for wisdom. We just got a Trader Joe's grocery store. I've never been in one, but I guess they carry quite a few organics. So I thought maybe I'd take the first $10-15 of our grocery budget and buy from there. Apparently, Costco carries a lot, too, but I'm not too excited about paying a membership fee and then having to buy in bulk. We just couldn't afford that. So, I'm going to take baby steps. This week I've been reading labels of all our food. I copied down a list of the "Dirty Dozen" fruits and veggies you should always buy organic because these, in particular, tend to absorb pesticides more so than others. I can do that.

So, I've gotten more mature looking on the outside. I have a feeling the inside is next.

Children are a Gift from the Lord

I have had writing this post on my to-do list for about 3 months now. It's kind of interesting that it's today, of all days, that I'm finally getting to it.

Today is Ben's birthday, which is day that often makes me a bit melancholy, since I can't help but remember the traumatic events of that day. What should have been a happy day instead almost ended up being the day that both Ben and I died. It also signaled a whole new direction for our family. But I always struggle with feeling that I should feel happy (and I do) because Ben is still here and very much alive. I'm actually doing pretty well on this birthday - those sad feelings are lurking around my heart, but they're pretty squashed down.

This spring in my special needs moms group we had a speaker by the name of Jolene Philo. She wrote a book entitled, "A Different Dream for my Child." She actually ended up interviewing me about Ben for her second book. I bought the book in May, but didn't read it until August. It's excellent - devotionals for parents dealing with any type of a-typical situations with their children. She had one chapter that really grabbed me by the throat and I have not gotten it out of my mind.

She wrote about how the Bible tells us that children are a "gift from the Lord." Period.

Wow.

I guess it got to me because while there has never been any doubt that I love Ben, I have often thought, though, that I got the "short end" of the stick when he was born. I look around and I see that my friends got these beautiful, healthy, well-behaved children - great gifts. And I got the broken one.

But that's not what the Bible teaches. It simply tells us that children are a gift. If I was on the ball this morning I'd go hunt up the reference for the verse, but I'm not. But it's in there. So that means that ALL children are considered to be a special gift from the Lord, even those that are not whole in body or mind.

Like I said, it really struck me. It was not new information, but for the first time, I really absorbed it. It's so easy to say, "Oh yes, my child is a gift!" But he doesn't feel like a gift when I've had to go to 13 doctors and therapy appointments in one week. He doesn't feel like a gift when he's arguing and yelling at me. I definitely don't feel like he's a gift when he's throwing a tantrum, jumping and screaming, because he didn't' get his way. It doesn't feel like a gift when I am combing his hair - and having to reach up to do it because he's taller than me. I don't feel blessed when I am putting his deodorant on him or explaining for the umpteenth time why it's important to check before leaving the bathroom to make sure our underwear is tucked inside our pants. It doesn't feel like a gift when I worry that I may and probably will die before him and not knowing who will be there to take care of him in his latter years. What kind of gift is that?

But yet, he is a child. And he was given to me. And, so, he is my gift.

Happy Birthday, Ben!

Lullaby of Love

Here's a FW piece I wrote a couple of weeks ago. We were supposed to write about hand-written letters. This was one where I was really never struck by a blinding bolt of inspiration. I sat down at the computer the night I needed to get it in, not really knowing what I was going to write. I struggled with the ending and changed it several times. It's not one of my favorites. But I did get some nice comments on it and I ended up placing something like 21st or 25th overall with it, which surprised me. I didn't think it was that good.


Lullaby of Love


It is my mother’s weeping that awakens me. She quietly sniffles as the teardrops roll down her face.


Mom is in the corner of my hospital room, holding my two-day old daughter. Today is the day that I go home. And my little girl will go to another home. Soon, her adoptive parents will come and I will release her. And so, my mom is saying good-bye as well, her hurt intensified by knowing how my heart must ache, as well as having to bid her first grandchild good-bye.


My pregnancy wasn’t a huge surprise. I had been remorseful as soon as the deed was done and had begged God to forgive me. Of course He had. But actions always have consequences and that was how I found myself pregnant my senior year of high school.


I had gone to Mom as soon as I mustered up the courage to tell her. She looked at me for a long moment and then swept me into her arms.


“Oh, Kayla,” she murmured. She stepped back and placed her forehead against mine. “We’re going to get through this, ok?” she promised me. And I believed her.


My boyfriend broke up with me as soon as I told him the news. Mom consoled me by pointing out that that choice revealed his character. I just wish it hadn’t hurt so badly.


I spent the first few months trying to act like a normal high schooler in-between bouts of vomiting and attempting to hide my expanding shape under baggy clothes. I finally shared my secret with my cousin, Mandy. I figured my mom had probably already told her mom and Mandy might be mad if I didn’t tell her sooner than later.


Mandy had a little boy last year when she was only sixteen years old. Logan is the cutest toddler with his blond curls! We sat together on the floor, watching him play.


“Ooh!” Mandy squealed, “This is so neat, Kayla! Our babies will be cousins! We can have play dates and if you have a boy I’ve got all kinds of stuff you can use.” She bubbled with enthusiasm.


I was a little stunned. I hadn’t thought of my pregnancy yet as being good news. The way Mandy talked reminded me of when we were little and used to play dolls together. Except, our babies now weren’t just dolls.
Responding to my silence, Mandy asked, “Well, you’re not thinking about giving it away, are you?” The truth was I hadn’t thought about adoption yet. I hadn’t thought about keeping it, either. I didn’t know what I was going to do.


“There’s all kinds of help you can get,” Mandy offered, “Being a single mother you can get food stamps and other stuff. I can give you the name of my caseworker, if you want.”


I left Mandy’s, mulling over her words. The thought of keeping my baby was really appealing. Every day that passed I grew more and more comfortable with the idea of this child. If I kept the baby, it would never lack for any love. I knew Mom would help me raise it. I could do it, especially with the help Mandy said was available to me.


But yet, my baby wouldn’t have a father. And I knew that was unfair. My own left when I was tiny and I knew all too well the hole that kind of loss leaves in the heart. My mom was wonderful and she did everything she could to compensate for my father‘s absence. But some vacancies just can’t be filled.


It was that night that I wrote the first letter to my baby. I told her about the dilemma I faced, how my heart was beginning to war against my conscience. I told her that I loved her and how I prayed God would help me make the right decision for both of us.

**********

“Kayla?” The social worker knocks on my door as she walks in, followed by a nurse. “Are you ready?” Although I know I will never be ready for this moment, I nod. It’s time to go.

*********

That day I said good-bye, my heart silently shattering as I placed my baby in her new mother’s grateful arms. I kissed my sweet girl one final time and then I handed her new daddy a manila envelope full of letters -- a lullaby from me that explained a decision and told of a love big enough to say good-bye.

Thursday Thoughts

Tonight may be date night - or it may not. Paul's been working kind of odd hours this week - home at 4 one day, not 'til 7 the next. So, we made tentative plans to go out, but if he doesn't get home soon, I'm guessing we're going to have postpone our plans.

Our thinking was to go up to Des Moines. The bunk bed mattresses really need to be replaced. David has been having horrendous allergy problems every night and morning, so much so that he has recently started sleeping under Will's loft instead (and is doing much better, allergy-wise). I really hate to spend the money right now, but I can't have the boys suffering, either. But it looks like David will be sleeping with Will a little bit longer.

Paul goes on call tomorrow and it is supposed to be getting quite cold, starting tomorrow. So I doubt we'll see much of him this next week. That's always good, though, money-wise.

But it will add to his stress load. He's trying so hard to get this house closed in. And now his truck exploded the other night. It backfired, but it was a strange backfire so Paul doesn't know what is going on. And he doesn't have time to figure it out. And this affects our Thanksgiving plans, too. Neither of us is too fond of the idea of driving that rickety red van out to Council Bluffs. But we don't know how soon he'll get the silver van up and going - if it can be gotten going. ARgh!

Last night at church Paul was sharing some of our current struggles with his small men's group. One of the older men very seriously turned to him and said, "Well, why don't you just take your vehicles in and have someone work on them?" Paul said he didn't even know what to say.

I always like to read the wedding announcements in the Sunday paper, which we always get. Sometimes they have homosexual partners getting married, so those always catch my eye in kind of a icky way. But they had a normal couple and this is what caught my attention: The cool and classic looking bride is the daughter of a Dr. Greg Ganske. He used to be in the House of Representatives. He's also a well known plastic surgeon and runs these irritating ads about how he can do a "mommy makeover" and fix all the damage that bearing children does to one's body. So, anyway, the wedding announcement listed all the bride and groom's schooling and experiences and it was lengthy and lofty - Ivy League schools, training abroad, prestigious positions. And then it listed all the accomplishments of all four parents, which I thought was a bit much. It was just a like a big bragging advertisement. Who lists the jobs of the parents in wedding announcements, anyway?

And then right next to this large wedding announcement was a smaller one. This couple looked very Iowan (read: plump and ordinary looking!) and the announcement stated simply that they both worked for a Hy-Vee bakery. As I mentally contrasted the two couples in my mind I started wondering - is couple #1 guaranteed a happy marriage because they come from a family of high achievers and have buckets of money? Now, granted, a couple that works in a bakery is probably going to have more financial struggles than a couple of Harvard graduates. But will they be less happy? I really don't think so.

My article will be in church bulletins across the nation on March 6th, I found out. I don't think I can wait that long! They had me email them some personal family photos. But then the graphics guy thought that it would be better to have pictures of our church ministering to sp. needs children instead. So, I had to tell my pastor what was going on and he emailed them some pictures for me, for which I'm grateful. So, anyway, I had pulled these photos of Ben out of the scrapbook and they are now sitting on the steps, waiting to be glued back into the books. Sam looked at this one photo we have of Ben. It's one of my favorites. He's about two days old and has his eyes wide open. But there are wires running every which way over his body. His entire head is wrapped in gauze, as is a foot (holding in an IV). He looks pretty pathetic. Sam looked at that and said, "Ben head is broken!" I guess it would look that way to someone who didn't know better. And, truly, his head was broken, but just not on the outside.

We got my grandma's candy making supplies this week. Wow, she had SO much stuff! David and I have been going through it and figuring out what we're going to attempt for Christmas. I think I'm going to decorate Ben's birthday cake next week with some candy, too. I remember the fun of making candy with Grandma and now I will get to do that with David - and the other boys, if they're interested, but I don't think they will be. It kind of adds to my stress level, though, because now I need to find the time to do this, as well as learn how to do it. But I'll get there. And it will be worth it.

Paul called and as soon as he gets here, we're headed down to the Checkerboard. I can already taste those onion rings - best I've ever had. They even beat the Iowa Machine Shed and that's saying a lot!