Mothering Men (to be), Marriage, and Miscellany

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Day 916

Dec. 1, 2015

Day 916

Thanksgiving was last week and I began to feel a bit panicky - like I always do. Christmas was only 4 weeks away and I hadn't done a thing yet! I'd like to be one of those people who is ready by Nov. 1, but I don't think that will ever happen.

But, I'm feeling a lot better now. I spent a lot of yesterday on the computer, running up charges on my credit card (all budgeted for - don't worry) and those brown UPS trucks ought to start chugging up my street any time now. The tree is up and so are a lot of the decorations. I've got this!

Emotionally, I'm hanging in there. It's harder, I can tell. I started noticing a weighed feeling in my spirit about a week and a half ago or so. But so far it isn't as hard as it was the last two years at this time. I don't know. Maybe it's going to get worse. But so far, I'm hanging on.

Thanksgiving was good this year. We went to see my folks and both brothers and families made it from out of state. That always makes it more fun. I love it when my kids can see their cousins. It helps alleviate my guilt for taking them away from their cousins on the other side of the family!

It took me 5 hours to get back home Friday. But that was because we stopped and saw Sara on the way back, hit a drive through for lunch (which is never a quick process when you have 6 people in the van) and then David wanted to brave the crowds and run into a couple of stores in W. Des Moines. He especially wanted to go to Barnes and Noble so he could get the issue of Sports Illustrated featuring the Iowa Hawkeyes (undefeated this season - man, how I wish Paul was alive to see this. He was so down on the Hawkeyes the last few years because they weren't doing so well then. If he could only see them now!) That's out at Jordan Creek Mall and I literally could not find a parking place because it was Black Friday. I had to just keep driving around while he went in the store.

I eventually made it home and got my entire house cleaned before bed, which made me feel much more peaceful inside.

But then I got the mail and I was so sad. We've known for a few weeks that it was a distinct possibility but the letter that arrived confirmed it: Pastor and Marcia are leaving.

I do not doubt this is God's will for their lives and for our church. But I don't understand. They've been here for almost 20 years. They have been so wonderful. Marcia has been mentoring/counseling me since before Paul's death. Since his death, they've been my "go to" people for my many questions.

And now God is moving them.

I told the Littles that night because I didn't want them to hear it from any other kids and wonder. I was so shocked when Ellie's eyes immediately began to well and she started crying. Then, I looked at Lizzie, whose head was bent over, and within moments, two big, fat tears plopped onto the table. I never dreamed the kids would be upset over this!

So I quickly told them the things I've been telling myself. God knows. God has a plan. Someday we might even understand it. We're not leaving our church. In time, God will give us a new pastor.

I didn't tell them this, but I've had the thought that as much as this has to do with Pastor and Marcia and our church as a whole, I think God can and will use this to help nudge me into a little more independence. It's been 2 1/2 years now and I've been feeling for some time that it's time to step out and start living again. It's time to figure out what that life is going to look like. I suspect that God is going to use this separation as one of the methods of getting me to move.

But, oh, I don't like it. I'm going to miss them so much!

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Last night I had parent-teacher conferences for Ellie. I was about dumbfounded when her teacher expressed to me that "Ellie is just perfect!" She said that Ellie is one the most helpful, mature, obedient, and kind students in her class. I wanted to interject, "You're sure you're talking about MY Ellie?" but I just smiled and nodded. The teacher said Ellie is the first to help the younger students and whenever anything gets spilled, Ellie is right there cleaning it up, even if she didn't make the mess. She showed me Ellie's work binder in which the kids practice writing their letters. Every single page was carefully filled with her writing. The teacher said she figures she's doing good if she can get the kids to trace and write maybe three of the letters before losing interest. But Ellie consistently fills up the entire page with her letters.

Wow. I began to think that maybe I've misjudged this girl of mine.

But then before bed, during her bath, she took dixie cups and deliberately threw them full of water all over the bathroom floor and hamper, completely saturating everything. That's the Ellie I know!

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I don't have anything else to write about.

Now, I'll think of a few things, I'm sure.

Oh, I got my official acceptance letter from BVU on Saturday. I guess I'm in. I emailed my adviser this morning asking about filling out loan applications. I need to buy another laptop. And whatever books I need for this first class. And I think that's it. I'm good to go.

Last night, my friend, Deb, was here working with Ben. She said, "Sam tells me you're going back to school?" So I explained everything to her and she told me she really thought this was a fantastic thing. She said it's a step forward and those steps are what I need to be taking right now. She reminded me that a good portion of college work is writing papers and "Those will be a breeze for you!" I hope she's right. I've been helping Will write them for the past two years (including last night - he has this neat application where we can both be writing on the same paper at the same time on different computers. I'm going to have to have him download that for me. Not that I'll be getting any help writing my papers, though) so I guess I'm in practice, anyway!

Well, the kiddos will be home soon so I suppose I had better wrap this up. Plus, I really don't have anything else to write about!

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Day 905

Nov. 20, 2015

Day 905

Well, today didn't start out as planned. Lizzie bought herself a kindle this week and since it came we've had all kinds of trouble with the content from Sam's kindle getting onto hers and stuff like that. I really hate electronics... so, I called Kindle today and was on the phone with them for TWO hours while my kids went crazy and started bleeding and yelling at each other. Argh...

But I do think the problem is resolved. And the people at Amazon/Kindle are super nice on the phone, even if they have hard-to-understand Indian accents.

We have snow! Lots of snow! Not as much as some parts of the state, but I think we have a good 5-6" outdoors. The kids are beyond excited. It started snowing in earnest around 5 last night and when we got home Sam and Lizzie were outside playing in it and then requesting hot chocolate at 8:30 pm (which ended up being buggy, a fact they didn't discover until they had drank most of it - I may have just scarred them, as well as given them some intestinal parasites).

Actually, I wasn't too thrilled about the snow last night. For months, David has been planning on attending the Back on Track conference which is something they started doing for the teens in the area this time every year. I think it's designed to kind of renew the camp fever that they come home with every July and August. This year's theme has to do with God in the midst of suffering. So, David was especially interested in attending. By the time I got halfway to church the snow was really coming down. I got him there and turned around and went home and it was the most harrowing drive I've had in a long time. I had a great deal of difficulty seeing because the snow was coming right at me. The roads were slick and I had a couple of instances were I began to spin - one time on the hill leading into Swan, which has steep ditches on either side of it. Fortunately, God kept us on the road and I did make it home.

But I knew I couldn't go back out at 10 and retrieve him. It's a two day conference. They were coming back last night and going back this morning. So I did some quick texting and found a place for him to spend the night with one of the other youth group guys that went. I'll have to get him this afternoon but the roads have been plowed now and it's sunny out. Of course, last night I couldn't help but lament the fact that if Paul was still alive he could go retrieve David late at night in the snow. He never minded driving in it. Sigh...

And next week we're supposed to have some days in the 50s, so I think we'll probably lose most of the snow. I'm not complaining. The older I get, the less I like the snow - because of things like last night.

But it sure is pretty.

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The last of my fall birthdays was Tuesday, with Ben's 19th. I'm always relieved once his arrives. It is work to get through 4 birthdays and Halloween, all within 3 1/2 weeks!

He had his very last IEP meeting on his birthday, too. So I brought cupcakes. We didn't have a ton of stuff to discuss, mostly because it's his senior year. He's not doing a whole lot of academics because he's doing so much work experience. But, they did tell me is reading at an 11th grade level now, which blows my mind. When he started 9th grade, he was barely at a 5th grade level. His teachers and principal all made the comment that what you see on the surface with Ben is not all there is. They said he knows so much more than he lets on or that anyone would dream, just meeting him. I know that - my mom's been telling me that since he was two years old!

We left the meeting and there were a group of girls, maybe a dozen or so, sitting in the hallway for some reason (school was out - they must have been part of an after-school group) and when they saw Ben they burst into, "Happy birthday to You!" and serenaded him. Sweet. The white board in his classroom was covered in birthday messages and the lunch room ladies made him a sign and taped all kinds of candy to it. He is well loved.

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I had an interview Wed. at Buena Vista. I'm going to try to condense this. Short story: finishing my bachelors is going to take more than I had originally hoped. Shorter story: I'm still going to do it.

The rep I spoke with a couple weeks ago told me that I could totally do an English degree on-line. She was only partially right. I am going to have to travel to Newton (40 min away) for a few classes - unless by the time I need them they are offered on-line, which is a possibility. And when I was thinking on-line, I was thinking, do-on-my-time type of classes. Well, some of the classes are like that. But most are what they call "blackboard collaboratives" which means I have to be in front of my computer at certain times participating in class and listening to the instructor.

Also, it's going to take 4 years doing this part-time. And they're going to be 4 intense years, even with only one class per 8 week term.

When I left that day, my head was whirling and I felt sick at heart. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I hate the thought of taking away more time from the kids. I don't know HOW I will add attending class 5 hours a week, plus doing schoolwork on top of everything else I don't have time to do. I don't know how that last year of school will work out when I really need to get to work in 3 years.

I don't know.

But, then I had to go to Walmart. And the employees I dealt with were all middle aged and older women. And they were grumpy. And I knew with an absolute certainty that I do not want that for my future. I have to provide for my kids. There's no way around that fact. I will be losing Social Security for Ben and David in the next few years which doesn't leave me a lot of income. I've got my investments and some in savings - but not enough to live off of very long. I have to find a way to generate a decent income! I don't want to do it by working an $8 an hour a job, working twice as many hours to make up for the low pay and having to find a sitter for my kids during the evenings and summers.

I was talking to Will later and he said, "Do you really have any other choice? (about attending school)" No, I suppose not.

But how will I do this? The class I am signed up for in January (Intro to Literary Theory) meets every Mon. and Thurs. nights. My moms group and my writing group meet on Mondays. I hate the thought of giving up those relationships for 4 years (other than the occasional term when I don't have to be in class on a Monday).

I want to write! How does going to school fit in with writing? It would be one thing, I guess, if I could parlay my writing abilities into a $60,000 annual income. But I'm not quite sure that's a reasonable goal, esp. with the way the publishing world has changed.

And will the kids be ok? I am going to have to give up Wed. night church and teaching Patch Club. Will they become spiritually bankrupt with the combination of attending public school, having a stressed, too busy mom, and only being in church one day a week? Although, as sweet Arien reminded me this week, our spiritual lives are not dependent on how often we are in church...

And if I do this, I'll be almost 49 when I finish. That's old! But I guess I'll turn 49 regardless of whether or not I go back to school.

So, there's that. But then I remember how I have diligently prayed for career direction for about 15 months now.

And then there's the possibility of remarriage. I mean, there's not. Nobody's asked me out, I'm not looking, and if someone did, I'd probably tell them I am not ready. But, this week I went to lunch with a friend who had a not-so-good second marriage after being widowed after 50 yrs of marriage. So, granted, she's going to be more cautious than the average remarried person. But she asked me what I'm thinking regarding marrying again. And then she strongly cautioned me to wait until the kids are older. And those are kind of my thoughts, anyway, as much as I miss being married. Ever since the girls arrived our household has been in a constant state of change. They need some stable years before introducing new people into the mix.

If I am financially independent then I will be less likely to fall into a bad marriage because I need to be taken care of.

So...the short of it (after a very long explanation). I do not know how this is going to work. But I'm going to do my best to make it happen.

After going to Walmart Wed. I got in the van, turned on my mp3 player (which is permanently on "shuffle") and told God, "Ok, I need you to send me a song here to tell me what to do!" And Steven Curtis Chapman's "Take Another Step" began to play.

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Last weekend Will started experiencing jaw pain and bad headaches. He tried everything - oils, drugs. He was convinced it was a sinus infection, but I was dubious because he hadn't been sick. I suggested maybe he had a bad tooth. No, no, no - it was definitely a sinus infection. He got sicker and sicker as the week went on and asked me to call the dr. I did but couldn't get an appointment. Wed. morning he texted me and told me he was lightheaded. I told him to go to Urgent Care. They tested him for the flu and told him he didn't have it. He came home, his body shaking and went straight to bed. Thursday morning he actually felt a little better but still had terrible jaw pain. He asked me to call the dentist. Didn't I suggest it could be a tooth problem?...

He went and I was right. Unfortunately, being right comes with a price tag for me. The dentist cleaned out the tooth which he said is "dead." Will said when he took the filling out a stench just poured out of his mouth. Yuck. It's packed right now but he's scheduled for a root canal and crown around Christmas.

**********************************

The other night Sam was taking a shower and I realized he'd been in there for quite some time. I went into the bathroom and didn't hear a thing in the tub, other than the water running. I pulled back the curtain and he was laying in the tub, the spray pummeling his body - sound asleep!

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And here's another one for the "ugh" file. I recently arranged with the city's CPA to start reconciling our books every month. I'm doing it because 1) I can't balance those things but also because 2) I want a second set of eyes on the city's checkbook. It seems like every month I hear of some small town Iowa clerk who has been arrested for embezzlement. I know I've written about this before. I don't ever want accusations like that leveled my direction.

This week the news hit the wires of the clerk in Casey who is accused of using the city's credit card (I have one of those, too) for personal expenses to the tune of $300,000. The night before the state auditors were to come in and go through the city's financial records, she burned down City Hall! Now she's headed for federal court and prison.

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Well, that's all I know this week. I have to be up a little early tomorrow morning. The water guy called me and needs to stop by my house at seven AM (!) to re-test our water. He did it Friday and the results were a little funky so now he has to get a new sample in. And since his work shift starts I don't know - sometime- he has to be here at 7. I suppose I really should be dressed before I let a man into my house. I need to get my sink cleaned out too.

I'm going to do my two week shopping on Monday and then Tuesday will be super busy. I have to get a filling done that day, too. And then it's time for Thanksgiving. And after that the Christmas rush begins. I'm not sure when I'll get to breathe again, actually.

Maybe in 4 years.

Monday, November 16, 2015

Day 900

Nov. 15, 16, 2015

Sunday Evening

This won't be a long post. I only have a few things to write about. But I just got the girls to bed and I find that, like always, I am reluctant to get started on the nightly routine which involves getting everything out and ready for school so it's not too rushed and panicked before the bus comes in the morning. So, what better way to put off doing what I don't really want to do than to write? Besides, I've already been on Facebook two dozen times tonight and really don't want to go back there...tired of reading posts from my liberal friends reminding the world that the difference between the KKK and Westboro church and Christians is the same difference between ISIS and Muslims. I'm tired of reading posts with the F word in them and I'm even tired of friends who feel the need to remind me exactly how many Saturdays I have left until Christmas...

Of course, I don't like reading that last one because then I get panicked. I don't even start thinking about Christmas until after Ben's birthday (which is in two days). I can't handle all that mental pressure - one celebration at a time!

***********************************

I got a little bit of writing done this past week. I was somewhere towards the end of the week when the ending for my book came to me - out of the blue. I quickly scribbled some notes and then yesterday I did the actual writing. It's just a few paragraphs, but it sort of gives me goose bumps.

And then I started the City Clerk manual this week, too. I am not planning to quit my job up there but I have a feeling - an unexplainable certainty - that my days doing that job are numbered somehow. Maybe I'm going to get fired with the new mayor and council coming in. I don't know! But I want to leave behind what I didn't have - a training manual on how to do the work.

************************************

I found out Ellie has preschool conferences in a couple of weeks. Really? Conferences for preschool? What are they going to talk about - how well my child does at fingerpainting or refraining from biting her classmates? The only value I could possibly see would be to get the teachers' input on kindergarten readiness. Although, as a parent, I feel more than capable of assessing that myself. Besides, she'll have pre-school testing to determine that in the spring, anyway. So it's one more thing I have to find time to do.

Today, one of Ellie's preschool classmates was at church (a family in our church has babysat him since he was born) and so she was enthusiastically waving and calling good-bye to him. Lizzie began to tease her saying, "Jacob's your boyfriend!" Of course, Ellie immediately protested this and I attempted to diffuse the situation by saying I was sure Jacob was only Ellie's friend (while mentally rolling my eyes - does the boyfriend stuff have to start this young?). Ellie agreed, but then added, "It's ok, Mom. Jacob's a Christian." Yep - that totally makes dating at four ok.

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We had a nasty storm last Wed. I guess I mentioned in my last post about the possibility of that that they were forecasting at the time. It came, just like the weathermen said it would. Of course, I had no intention of being out in it, but like a lot of good intentions...

A little bit after 3 I got a text from the school saying they were keeping the kids because of the weather. But parents could pick them up if they wanted. Darn tootin'...I wasn't going to leave my kids for who knows how long at the school, possibly scared to death. If it was a truly dangerous situation, I wouldn't have gone, but I really felt like I would be ok. The sky was darkening and it was beginning to rain, but it didn't seem super ominous, either.

So, David and I rushed down to the schools. It was pouring by then. He went into the high school to get Ben and I went into the elementary school to get the others. I was absolutely drenched by the time I got in. It didn't help that the zipper on my trench coat broke a few weeks ago. I found my kids and Sam's teacher commented, "I thought I'd probably see you!" I think she's getting to know my overly-involved self by now!

We should have just waited in the school building for the storm to pass but I didn't know how long it was going to rage. And I didn't want Ben and David sitting in the van all alone. So, the kids and I ventured out into the blinding rain and wind. It was awful and seemed to take forever to get across the street to the van. We were all soaked to our underpants, but finally we were in the van. Then, I knew I needed to scoot and get to higher ground in case it began to flood.

As I drove out of the parking lot, the rain began to lessen. Are you kidding me?! I just risked life and limb for these kids thinking this would be a long, protracted scary time, and it was already over? On the plus side, I now didn't need to worry about driving into flood waters or being swept off the road by a tornado. So there was that.

We got some hail at the house, but no real damage. I lost half the leaves on my burning bush and I found a huge limb from the willow tree nestled inside it. A lot of the willow branches ended up on the opposite side of the house. All the deck furniture was blown to one corner of the deck. And a few days later I discovered my metal pumpkin garage door decoration became a fatality. The wind ripped that thing right apart.

Later, we found out that an EF 1 tornado did hit Knoxville (10 min, south of Pville). It tore off part of the roof of the Walmart. I guess one of Sam's classmates was in there at the time...

But all's well that ends well. I have a particular horror of tornados that probably has a lot to do with growing up in the Midwest. But I also have vivid memories of the aftermath of the tornado that hit my grandparents' home in Nov. 1975 when I was only 4 years old. You don't forget things like that. I have a Facebook friend who was a real-life friend of Paul's. His home was destroyed by an Omaha tornado when he was 5 years old. He, his mom, and his siblings cowered in the basement. When it passed, all that was left was the basement. He references that event frequently in his FB posts to this day, 40 years later.

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Onto war...

Every year the school hosts a Veterans Day program and Sam came home, deeply moved by the event. I have noticed his growing interest in American history over the last few months, anyway. Well, they told the kids the story of how our national anthem was written. I am pretty familiar with this story, myself. Sam related it to me and I explained to him the part of the story they left out.

The reason our flag was still standing that quiet morning after being fired upon all night long at Fort Henry was because the bodies of the dead soldiers and patriots held it up. Because of those noble sacrifices Francis Scott Key received an affirmative answer when he asked that morning if the flag still flew.

Sam was in awe when I told him that part of the story.

This afternoon he and Lizzie were working on a Thanksgiving placemat project my friend Deb brought them today. I happened to look at Sam's and under the pre-printed, "I'm thankful For:" he had carefully printed

I'm thankful for the revulonshune woor. We the U.S.A. We world be stuck. It world be bad. I'm so happy. that we live in ir U.S.A. I'm happy.

Actually, he had first written he was thankful for the "sivill" war which confused me until I realized what he was talking about. I couldn't imagine why we'd be thankful for the Civil War, but then I realized he was referencing our conversation earlier in the week about the Revolutionary War. Anyway, Sam stood there with actual tears in his eyes and explained that if it wasn't for those brave soldiers we wouldn't have our country today and things would be very, very bad.

I really like the person this kid is growing into.

Monday Morning

I ended up needing to help Will with a paper last night so I wasn't able to finish this. He's writing on the expectations of fatherhood and how sitcoms influence fatherhood. I think it's for his Comp class. He's in a lot of pain right now. It might be sinus related. It's in his teeth. It was so bad he spent the night sleeping upright in the recliner. I tried to convince him to let me make him a doctor's appt today but he doesn't want to miss work. But that goes until 9 tonight. So I hope the Advil is enough to hold it off until he can get to the dr which probably won't happen until Wed.

Today I am going to lunch with a couple of older widow friends. Technically, I guess they're elderly. One of them anyway. She's in her 80s. But I don't see either one as elderly. I suppose the older I get the more that happen. The word, "elderly" will be something I only reference to centurians before too long!

Then I need to run some errands. I am on the hunt for a short trench coat and I thought of a couple more stores that might carry them. It would be great if I could find one today because the zipper on mine is completely broken and I really need to replace the coat. Today would be a great day to do that because it's cold and raining! Tonight I have my mom's group.

Tomorrow is Ben's last IEP meeting. It's also his birthday. I think I might bring cupcakes to that to celebrate that it's his last meeting, along with his birthday. Wednesday will be super busy. I have to take Ellie to preschool, run up to DMACC and get my FAFSA filed, run back down and pick up Ellie, and then drive over to Newton for a pre-admissions interview at Buena Vista. Thursday is open. Friday night my scrapbooking ladies are coming over. Saturday David will be at a teen conference up at Faith.

And like that, another week will be wrapped up.

Mothering Men (to be), Marriage, and Miscellany

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Day 916

Saturday, November 21, 2015

Day 905

Monday, November 16, 2015

Day 900

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